THINGS ARE GOOD, Part V

1) Haven’t we all been leaving messages on people’s phones long enough now that we don’t need instructions? I mean jesus fucking christ. I’m trying to leave a quick message for someone but I gotta sit through 60 seconds of “instructions” in case I’ve lived underneath a rock on Mars for the last 20 fucking years. I especially love it when they say “After you’ve left your message you may hang up.” Oh really. Thanks! Otherwise I woulda been standing here with the phone to my ear for days wondering what the fuck to do. We all know what to do, assholes. Just give us a beep and shut the fuck up.

2) Let’s clear up a long-time riff about porn: it’s not that there’s funky 70s music going on, or screeching 80s hair metal wailing during the scenes that kills me. It’s that THERE’S ANY MUSIC AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! Who’s the fucking wizard that came up with this? “Okay, now that they’re doing it, let’s throw in some music to cover up any noises.” Isn’t hearing people fucking part of enjoying it? Maybe I’m missing something, but not once in all my days of having sex have I thought “boy, this is awesome…but man, if only there was some incredibly loud music to drown out her moans and her telling me how great I’m fucking her. Geez.” If I wanna listen to music, I’ll turn on the radio. I don’t pop in “Anal Encounters VIII” to hear some Steve Vai wannabe wailing on his Sears & Roebuck guitar.

3) While we’re on the subject of porn, I’d like to send a note out to all you “directors” out there: knock it off with these prolonged shots of dudes faces! What the fuck?!?!? I’m cruising along, watching a girl getting rammed from behind, enjoying myself, when BAM!! the camera cuts to a close-up of the guy’s face. Who is this for? And then they LEAVE IT THERE for like 20 seconds!!!!!!!!! Baffling. Do these people even understand the reason guys watch these flicks in the first place? It’s bad enough I’ve got my dick in my hand while another guy is even on the screen naked, but these facial close-ups? “OOOoh, look – Ted is enjoying himself! Great!” And there’s nothing worse than investing all that time and energy into it, and you’re about ready for the big payoff and then right as you have liftoff….close up to the guys face. Great. And yes, in case you’re wondering, that does in fact make you gay.

4) I also believe we’re all ready for a moratorium on the age-old slapstick sitcom scene that follows: dude gets on treadmill. Dude’s cruising along, then something catches his attention, he stops running, VOILA! He’s thrown off the treadmill. Yes, Hollywood, we’ve fucking seen this enough already. Please move on to the next great “gag.”

5) With apologies to Bill Maher, I have a New Rule: any reality show where regular people are teamed up with “celebrities”, said “celebrity” has to be marked with some sort of blue halo. “Dancing with the Stars”, for example. Unless your name is Jerry Rice, I have no idea which one is supposed to be the celebrity for each team. Maybe it should be called “Dancing with People Who You Might Vaguely Remember if They are Accompanied with a Name Tag and a Clip From Whatever Show/Movie/Song They are Famous For”

6) I like how all of his supporters were barking like seals last week when Bush pulled off speaking to a bunch of college kids for an hour without sounding like a complete retard. Wow!!!! Good for him! Seems to me that if you’re a fan of Bush, listening to him speak must be like when you’re watching a game with a friend of yours who might be SLIGHTLY racist, and after the game they interview a black guy and you find yourself thinking “Please…please don’t say something stupid…” cause you know your buddy will jump on him for sounding like a “dumb fucking n---er.” Don’t tell me all you Bushies won’t be blowing a huge sigh of relief tonite if he gets through the speech without mangling the language TOO badly or whipping out an 8-ball and telling Heath Ledger to “kiss my God-loving non man-kissing ass!!!”

7) And no more talk from chicks about how oh, they’re not looking for some guy that’s great-looking and rich, they just want someone that’s funny, someone that “makes me laugh.” Awww, that’s so cozy and sweet! Girls, quit being so full of shit. At least guys are honest: we want a chick that’s hot. We don’t blather about her being nice, or funny, or having career goals yada yada yada. We want someone that’s hot. But unless you’re great-looking yourself, you’re not gonna be getting these chicks. You can be Mr. funny, you can be Mr. Personality, but you’ll always get the same speech: “wow, I wish I was with someone just like you!” Which is chick for “I wish you were hot and I wanted to fuck you casue you’re so great, unlike my Neanderthal idiot boyfriend who can’t string together 3 sentences and has the soul of a loaf of Wonder Bread, but guess what? I’m going home with him, not you – maybe tomorrow night you can buy me more cosmos while I bitch about what an asshole he is and talk about how GREAT! you are before I go home and let him jizz on my eyeballs some more.” Or, you know, something like that. I mean seriously, have you ever heard Brad Pitt say anything funny? No. And there he is dumping Jennifer Aniston to jump into bed with Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, Woody Allen ends up having to marry his own daughter. camon.

8) For you few romantics out there. Cause nothing says Valentine’s Day Romance like “Buy ‘em by the sack!”

9) My All-Time Desert Island Slices, not that you asked (in no order)

a. Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan
b. River Deep , Mountain High - Ike & Tina Turner
c. Can’t Hardly Wait (unreleased Tim version) – The Replacements
d. Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen
e. Sugar Sugar – The Archies
f. Higher & Higher – Jackie Wilson
g. It’s the Same Old Song – The Four Tops
h. Death or Glory – The Clash
i. Left in the Dark – The Vertebrats
j. Bad (live) – U2

10) “Whoa, whoa (sniff)…who did that?”

Things are Good, Part IV

1) Why do criminals, when handcuffed and dragged through the parking lot of the 7-11 parking lot, insist on covering their faces with their hands? They just got arrested for selling angel dust to 3-year olds, and NOW they act like they’re ashamed of themselves? Who do they think is watching that they need to not embarrass? “Oh shit…I hope Kathy Hilton isn’t watching! ” Camon. You KNOW all of his friends are screaming at the tv screen “Hey, it’s Tony!! Tony! Move your fucking hands, come on, you’re on tv buddy! Let’s see you!! Yeeeee-haw!” Especially in this day and age of people doing anything to embarrass themselves to get on tv, lets not play coy, shall we? even in prison, I’m sure the biggest compliment you can give to someone these days is “hey, I saw you on tv!!!”

2) I’ve noticed that if you start flipping around the dial at about 4am, you’ll land on an infomercial for EXTENZE, the amazing pill that makes a man larger “down there.” Apparently, people are buying these since the company does have the $$$ to advertise on four channels at a time. But the real kicker is, part of it is hosted by Ron Jeremy. I’m sorry, but isn’t this taunting? “I’ve got a little dick, I’m thinking about buying pills to help me and…oh goody. It’s Ron Jeremy. I feel much better about myself.” And can’t they pay Ron a little more to stop from actually laughing out loud? Ronny, I’ve got actual footage of you from decades before these pills were made. Camon.

3) I’m watching “Frontier House” last night, the show where it sticks modern families into 1880s Montana. Struggle to survive, build a cabin yada yada. Then they all hafta go get supplies, and we’re greeted by the grocer, a Korean named…I can’t remember. We’ll call him Sang. Sang tells us that about 15% of Montana was Asians, and they, you know, set up laundry business and small grocery stores. What? Did I hear correctly? Why not just send up a black guy to say that in 1880 Montana the blacks, you know, sold crack and ran hip-hop labels out of their mother’s basements. Unreal. Oh, PBS, you!!!

4) Remember when you were a kid and loved wrestling? The jumping off of ropes, the hitting with folding chairs, the outrageous costumes and babes? Then you get to junior high gym class, where the teach you “real” wrestling: getting into tight gym shorts and mounting another boy from behind while holding hands. Great. Thanks, Greeks & Romans!

5) Was walking down the street this morning, chick was walking towards me with her boyfriend. As we were approaching I glanced her way, of course receiving the obligatory “What the fuck are you looking at asshole?” look from boyfriend. Didn’t have the heart to tell him I was actually learing at the sausage n cheese biscuit he was eating. Mmmmm.

6) Speaking of which, in the “Maybe Now I’ll Start to Believe There’s a God” Department, McDonalds is including 6-piece McNuggets on their dollar menu thru January 31. Please, whoever writes my obit the following week, mention my blocked extra point against Lancaster in 1988. Something about losing 47-0 just FEELS better than 48-0.

7) I’ve gotten a lot of grief from ladies left off the Mrs. Xmastime List below. Lotta ladies vying for a little slice of love pie from Xmastime, as it turns out. Ladies: calm down. Be smoking hot and available to my wishes, and you’ll get your chance!

8) Of course, I’m fucking lying. Sigh.

9) This Sunday is my buddy Op’s 34th birthday. Happy Birthday, Op! Op has had quite a “Jesus Year”, as we call the year people are the age Jesus died – we tell people we expect great things that year. I don’t know why we do this; seems to me that if you end your 33rd year without being nailed alive to a piece of wood, your year was better than Jesus.’ Ah well.

10)
“That’s right, $10 for me, or $25 for all three of us. No kissing on the mouth.”

The First Mrs. Xmastime List of 2006 (but prolly not the last....)

In no particular order:

AMY HOYBACH
(best friend of girlfriend in college)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 681
PROS: over the top, beautiful beautiful face - the prototype Mrs. Wilson "Horse Face" (that’s a compliment from me, people). Wonderful, sweet person. Tall. Looooved Neil Diamond.
CONS: I have no idea where she is, or if she's dead or alive. Knows I wasn't a good boyfriend in college. Was there the night I drunk-pissed on my girl in bed (sorry baby!).
ODDS OF US HAPPENING: 5%. Probably happily married out west somewhere, skiing all damn day. If it didn't happen in clllege when I was a 195-lb wonderstud with hopes & dreams, it's probably not gonna happen now that I'm a 250-lb old guy that's hooked on that dude from O-Town's reality show after only 1 episode.

JUDITH LIGHT
(actress, best known as Angela Bower on “Who’s the Boss”)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 1,016
PROS: Beautiful, successful, rich. Appeared bald on Broadway….and if the curtains match the carpet….
CONS: has no idea I'm alive. Married to some chucklehead for the last 600 years. Will hafta take a lot of heat for dating someone in her 50s. Might be cold in the beginning, thinking I'm using her to get to Sam or Mona.
ODDS: 10%. I say 10 because hey, isn’t the new thing in Hollywood older women dating younger men? And once I start quoting “Who’s The Boss”, camon.

PHYLICIA RASHAD
(Claire Huxtable!!)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 967
PROS: beautiful, rich, successful. Will probably open the door to me hanging out with Bill Cosby (and Lisa Bonet???!?!?!?). Always wears tight, silk blouses (at least on “The Cosby Show.”) Her sister Debbie can teach me how to dance. Also, she just got a divorce from Ahmad Rashad, so she’s probably had enough of rich, successful handsome men.
CONS: I’m pretty sure she’s almost 80. One of her THREE ex-husbands was one of the Village People. OJ was best man at her last wedding, which means there’s a good chance he will, you know, …kill me.
ODDS: 0%. zilch. waaaaay too classy for me. Would not cross the street to kick me in the nuts, and I wouldn’t blame her. Feel ashamed I used the phrase "my nuts" in the very presence of her name.

TRACY CROXTON
(high school girlfriend)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 832
PROS: have a history together. (many. many. MANY years ago.) Possibly remembers me as a strapping, 190-lb football stud from the late 80s. Once gave me a keychain with a picture of us at Kings Dominion. MIGHT still have my letter jacket, would be great gettin that back.
CONS: married. Knows that if you break up with me I turn into a crying, whining squirrel with no testicles.
ODDS: 100%. Haven't you been reading this blog all along, asshole? WE'RE BUILDING A LIFE TOGETHER!!

LACEY KANE
(friend from Williamsburg)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 176
PROS: smoking hot, and has no idea how hot she is. Legs go on for days. Went to Duke! Crazed football fan, has family ties to the Pittsburgh Steelers AND Joe Paterno!
CONS: smarter than me. Not that I have a problem with that usually, but we’re talking a difference of about 300 IQ points here. There’s a good chance she thinks I’m retarded. Also has a mega-serious boyfriend. And if we ever did hook up, it would coincide with her realizing she’s super-hot, the standard “Librarian Takes off Glasses and Turns into Carmen Elektra” routine, thus leaving me a broke-down mess with nobody but Theodore to comfort me. And you can probably guess how that would go.
ODDS: 95%. I’ve got some new shoes, a new belt and an olive sportcoat. Look for us to be registered at Food Lion.

DENISE RICH
(ex-wife of Mark rich, dude pardoned by Clinton)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 198
PROS: Another horse-face, and with over-tanned orange skin that gives her a slutty, fake look. Always seems to wear silky sexy clothes. RICH. Can hook me up with Bill Clinton. Has that “happy-dumb-fuck-bunny” look, so I might be able to fool her into hooking up with me.
CONS: Appears to live on another planet. Also she’s a “songwriter”, so I’ll be forced to sit there while she plays me her dreadful Lilith Fair-esque cuts. Ugh. Also, looks to be too dumb even for me. Would drive Theodore insane with her comments during "Entertainment Tonight"
ODDS: 20%. Might be the only girl on this list I’d hafta dump after a few weeks. “Denise! Shut up! You’re an idiot!! And your songs SUCK!!”

JENNIFER RISKO
(girl I met in college)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 792
PROS: again, beautiful equine-styled face. Was a world traveler, as I recall. Made my heart leap outta my chest when I saw her in some freshman history class. Spurred me on to show my “romantic” side by simply walking up to her and saying “Hi I’m Greg. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.”
CONS: followed up my big speech by telling me she was dating All-SEC qb Eric Zeir. hmm. blew me off on our one big “date” by GOING TO A DIVISION 2 BASKETBALL GAME WITH HER FRIENDS!!! Haven’t seen her in 15 years. If you showed her my name & face would have no idea who I was.
ODDS: 1%. Probably not even that high; I just don’t wanna give anyone else the unanimous “Fuck you, Greg” reserved for Phylicia Rashad.

JESSICA SIMPSON
(you know)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 22
PROS: super-hot, with SMOKING hot body. Loaded with dough. Would be easy for her to get my reality show on MTV. Probably personally knows Catherine Bach, the inspiration for my first manage-a-mois experience. Coming outta her marriage, having only been with one dude prolly all set to spend a few years learning how to be a raging fuck machine.
CONS: woulda hafta spend Thanksgivings with that atrocious toad of a sister. Would have to act nonplussed when her creepy dad feels her up while talking about how “dynamite!!!” she looks in a two-piece.
ODDS: 50%. Might wanna be with someone “normal”, might be dumb enough to fall for me when I convince her I invented the riff wherein right when someone’s about to get in the passenger side door, you pull the car up a coupla feet and repeat over & over.

CINDY PRICE
(neighborhood friend)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 114
PROS: great looking, face that beams, athletic. Looooooves food – eating food, talking about food, thinking about food. Only girl I know that would fight me over the last McNugget. Writes for NY Times. Loves Garfield, and has made a Mrs. Xmastime t-shirt.
CONS: has a serious boyfriend. BF is a vegetarian, I’m not sure how that carries over to other relationships. Better softball player than me – what I DON’T need from people: more crap. Only girl I know that would fight me over the last McNugget.
ODDS: 33%. If I realize my dreams of owning a Mickey D’s franchise, she’s in. If not, it’s me & Theodore and a dog named Boo.

ELIZABETH COCHET
(friend from Oxford, MS)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 561
PROS: ridiculously, over the top smoking hot. Horse faced like I dream about. Southern preacher’s daughter, so probably crazier in the sack than Lori Singer from Footloose. Well, before that dude slapped her around “I was bout done with you anyways!!”
CONS: no idea where she is. probably only thinks of me as “my friend Jen’s nice, ugly, jovial friend who’s like a brother to me!” so hot she probably hasn’t had to move between the sheets ever. What am I saying? Get her in the damn sheets, I’ll do all the moving. What’s my credo? If it moves, fuck it. If it don’t move, fuck it till it does.
ODDS: 2%. Probably have a better chance of getting hit by lightning while being eaten by a shark that has the words to “How Much for that Doggie in the Window?” printed on its stomach.

VETERAN’S COMMITTEE WRITE-IN:
KATE OPALACK-WATTS (retired)
Was the #1 vote-getter throughout the late 90s. Let’s take this opportunity to thank Kate for her wonderful service in this field. She did a lot to get off this list – sister to my best friend, got married to a guy I like (grrr!) and now has even gotten pregnant. Bringing another human being into the world so that you get removed from the Mrs. Wilson list – stand up, gentlemen, and show a little respect: Mrs. Wilson is leaving the room!

Look who's back!!

NAME: Theodore ("If you call me 'Theo' I will do some major dancing on your face!")
OCCUPATION: Ultra-conservative right-wing stuffed bear
LIKES: Tucker Carlson, George W. Bush, tax cuts, explaining to left-wing idiots why they're idiots
DISLIKES: left-wing idiots, taxes, Al Franken
QUOTE: "Oh, calm down - all I said was I'd sure like to taste your honey!"

Hey hey!!
Xmastime is taking a break, doing what he does best (pushups, chasing trim, cuttin up) so he let me drop in and give you my football picks for this weekend.

THEODORE'S PICKS:
Seahawks 20, Redskins 13
I'm picking the Seahawks cause they have Shaun Alexander, the league MVP, who went to Alabama - which, I believe, didn't allow blacks to play football until 1998. A nice, juicy red state who knows where people belong, if you know what I mean. Also, their qb is Matt Hasselback, who sucks as a quarterback but is great as a Bush donor. His smoking hot wife on "The View" shares his fanatical right-wing ideals too, which means that's two foxy ladies on our side: her and Laura Ingraham. Ann Coulter, I hope you notice I didn't include you. Cell phone broken? Fucking bitch. And no, I didn't forget Alabama was once ruled by Paul "Bear" Bryant.


Panthers 24 Bears 14
I know, I know - "But Theodore, you're a bear, how could you pick against the Bears?" Hey - grow up!! When you have $5,000 riding on a game, you don't let your heart pick the winners. Remember on "Whats Happening!" when Dwayne went on a tear in the football pool at Rob's, then it turns out he chose the winners based on their helmets and it ended up costing Rerun's brother in law ("Ike") his Hawaii vacation with Rerun's sister? Hahahaha! First of all, how the fuck did was Ike able to afford a vacation to Hawaii? I mean, how much belief can we be expected to suspend here? Dirt poor couple in Watts in the 70s "saving up" for a Hawaii vacation. Right. And I'm gonna get up from this computer, get into a car and drive it down the street while masturbating with my stuffed bear paws. camon. And we wonder why God killed Fred Berry. "Hi! I'm 500lbs and like dancing! I wear suspenders and a French beret and probably am gay!!" I'm sure his feet HAVE to dance where he's at now.


Indy 41 Steelers 21
No-brainer here. Colts were 13-0 before their coach's kid "committed suicide." By "committed suicide" I mean "was involved in a gang/drug killing." Remember kids: just say no. Though if you can't, at least stop on your 40th birthday so you can run for president. It's not complicated. Plus, the Manning family is the closest thing we have in sports to the Bush Dynasty, so I'm rooting for Peyton to have a big game. Wouldn't it be cool if he could change his jersey to #43? Ah, sweet Eli - stuck in the Jeb character, a la Prince Harry!!


Patriots 26 Broncos 21
Let's be honest here: Tom Brady is the Golden Boy, Everybody's All-American. So a win for Tom Brady means a win against the terrorists. I'm dedicating this upcoming Patriots win to the troops. You may not have all the armor you need over there, you may be sitting ducks in wifebeaters for Islamic fanatics, but I know a Brady win will make things easier for you. If only that fucking John Kerry hadn’t voted against giving you guys enough money for armor!!! Xmastime likes to whine "hold up - $87 billion, and there's not enough armor for them? how is this possible - how could something like Kevlar jackets not make the cut at $87B? what the fuck else goes in front of something so basic as ARMOR FOR THE TROOPS? Gee, if only we had another billion, we coulda you know, gotten armor...and bullets, and stuff. If something like armor isn't included in $87B, what the fuck is? How many volleyball nets can we fucking buy?" But Xmastime is a liberal wuss, so what can you do. Troops: this W is for you!!!

Those are my picks for the weekend. If my thumbs aren't broken next Friday, you'll have my AFC/NFC Championship Game picks.

Things Are Good, Part III

1) I don’t understand "mutually exclusive" or "your lips to God's ears." When people say these things, I nod my head but have no idea what they actually mean. Makes no sense to me. "Mutually exclusive" just sounds contradictory, like they cancel each other out. And if I tell you something and you say "hey, from your lips to God's ears" does that mean you're saying you're God? Seems a little arrogant, no?

2) I just stumbled upon the fact that CS Lewis died on November 22, 1963. Seems like that would be a bad day to die. Here he is a pretty famous dude, and I'm sure with JFK dying that day you could find some press about Lewis' death hidden in the fucking JUMBLE the next day. Reminds me of Darby Crash, the singer for the Germs, who decided he was gonna kill himself, thinking it'd get a ton of press. Of course he happens to do it the day John Lennon gets shot. Boy. There's bad timing, then there's BAD timing. I perversely like to make it worse by thinking that just as he was about to kill himself, he glanced at the tv and thought "hey...why are they talking about John Lennon? oh well" BLAM!! But hey. That’s me.

3) The race is on to buy a 2-headed snake. Cause let's face it, what's the use of getting a snake that can bite you once when you can get one that can really dig in with TWO sets of fangs? Christ. I will now officially kick off my campaign for communism: if you've got $150,000 to blow on a fucking snake, you've got too much money and need to fucking spread it around. I'm trying to cash in discarded Coinstar vouchers at Key Food, and you're spending the equivalent of a Harvard education on a snake because it has two heads. You are an asshole, and fuck you.

4) I see someone finally figured out the largest prime number. I didn’t think it was possible, but there it is: some dude's getting laid less than me.

5) Do you think you'll go to hell for watching Michael J. Fox being interviewed and finally blurting out "Oh for the love of Christ, sit the fuck still!!"

6) After not responding to my calls/pleas on this site etc, I saw my high school girlfriend over Xmas. To her credit, she kept things cool, as her husband was there, and did not let on at all that we're about to start our lives together. I could not help but smile when she climbed in his lap and made out for a while and told him how much she loved him. "Well played," I chuckled, "no one here suspects a THING." I did think her taking him upstairs and then coming back with her hair messed up and her sweater missing was laying it on a bit thick, though. "Easy," I thought. "We're not looking for a goddam Oscar here."

7) Is there another case of someone famous dying and being overshadowed by someone even more famous dying? I'd like to think that I'd be the most famous/loved etc guy that dies the day I do. Of course, to do that you have to be famous or loved. Hmm. My siblings and I were born on big days. December 8 will always be known as the day Lennon got shot, no matter what my brother does. July 14 will always be Bastille Day, no matter how much I hate the French. September 11 will always be of course 9/11. And April 22, no matter what my sister does, will always be 38 days before the day I had my first 3-flush dump . Big days, all.

8) "I Cant Drive 55" by Sammy Hagar is on the radio right now. Genius. Songs about love, hate, life, death - no thanks, said Sammy. I'm gonna write a song about driving a car really, really fast. Well, at least faster than the posted speed limit. Well, until I get pulled over. Wouldn't it have been fucking GENIUS for Sammy to release an updated version when the speed limit got upped to 65mph years ago? "Fuck you pigs, I'm STILL speeding!" I would hope people wouldn't think that Sammy would still be driving just over 55mph now. I just looked up the words to the chorus:

"Gonna write me up a 125
Post my face wanted dead or alive
Take my license, all that jive
I can't drive 55! Oh No!
Uh!"

Holy shit - you KNOW they looked up the citation number for speeding; can you imagine how fucking THRILLED they were when they realized it was "125", so that it rhymes perfectly with "jive" and "alive"? That must've been a pretty big day at the Hagar house. Well, that and the day they invented the male perm. And calm down, Sammy - I don't think they post your face all over like a wanted criminal for speeding. You're not Black Bart. Tho I think Black Bart coulda done better than "Oh no! Uh!"

9) Sorry. I'm still laughing about the fucking Hagar song. Unbelievable.

10) Is it weird to catch penguins discussing the size of your cock? Oh well.

Guess Today is Barber Day...

Speaking of The Barber, this just popped up on CNN.com, an article about my friends Marah. Best band in the world - BUY THEIR ALBUMS!!!!!

Paddy Mac!!!!!!!!

Are you kidding me??! Look at this lil guy! PADDY MAC!!, sidling up to the bar "Hiya fellas!" I don't think I've ever seen a 14 week-old dude look that happy. Well, I've prolly never seen a 14 week-old dude, but anyways. Bad news for you, Patrick. At that age, I was ridiculously cute, too. Now I'm extending Prell shampoo with water and boiling potatoes for THIS guy:


So enjoy your time in the sun, little man!

The Gospel According to Xmastime

My last "real" Christmas came when I was 12 - my little brother had just been born, and the fact that he was 0 and my sister was 7 meant that the days of expecting a bunch of presents sitting under the tree for my older brother and I were over. As a matter of fact, I remember my mother getting me out of bed to help her put the younger kids' gifts together and under the tree. Once you're on the Put-the-Goddam-Presents-Under-the-Tree Team, the magic and mystery of Santa Claus is pretty much dead, I'd say. The honeymoon is over. Not that I believed in Santa until then, but becoming an age where your parents actually put you to work in that field is a real milestone. What the fuck, I remember thinking, am I a kid has-been? What's next - I gotta go get a job in the morning? Should I join the fucking Lion's Club? Part of "growing up", I reckon. I do remember the last two gifts I got from "Santa" before I got completely cut off: a hairbrush and a bottle of English Leather cologne. Great. Nothing like waking up on Christmas morning with a message from your parents: "Your hair sucks, and you fucking reek." Nice.


I probably tried to drag my Santa-years out as long as possible; even after finding out I remember trying to still believe. Which is tough with an older brother who figured out the whole Santa bit when he was, oh, 4 days old and couldn't wait for me to learn how to understand English so he could drop the bomb on me himself. Tis how it works with older brothers, I'm sure. I never cared to even learn the machinations of grown-up things when I was a kid; my brother however loved to listen in on adult things like "mortgages" and "tax rates" and "swinging." Okay, the last one I made up. My point is I was happy to be blissfully unaware of anything "adult." So I had quite a time trying to convince myself there is a Santa. As a child I never let myself fall for that old trick by parents, who are always yelling "Grow up! you gotta grow up!! grow up, be a man!!! quit being an idiot and grow up!!!" I was not a bright kid, but I did figure out early on the ridiculousness of this. Oh, I'm 7 years old, but I gotta "grow up!!" Great!!! Drop me off at the Army Recruitment Center, Pops!! Now that I've stopped pissing my Star Wars bedsheets, it's time for me to hunt down Charlie!! I figured out that if you're a kid from, lets say 5 to 18, that’s 13 years. Meanwhile, if you live to be, say, 76, that means you get to be "grown up!!" for 58 years. 58 FUCKING YEARS!!! I figured fuck you, I've got 58 years to not be an idiot, to grind it out for the Man 8 hours a day, to do grown up things like banking, painting my own house and saying things like "He's so lucky - I hope I go in my sleep too." Parents need to drop this act of wanting their kids to be "little grown ups", and just be honest with them: "Please get big enough to be able to cut the fucking grass. It's too hot for my old ass out there. Cut the grass!!" That was pretty much my job as a child anyways. "Don’t get killed, don’t embarrass me in front of other parents, and cut the goddam grass." That's it. And of course getting myself killed would intertwine with embarrassing them in front of other parents. "He did what?...walked into the road, got hit by a truck?...jesus christ...I'm gonna look like an idiot...maybe it was a suicide?...no, he was just wandering around in the road like an idiot, huh...greeeeaat...f&*&ing kid!!"

So kids: stay young!! Parents: cut your own fucking grass!!!!!! Readers: I did not piss the bed till I was 7, I was only making a point!!!!!!!