Xmastime Update

Earlier HERE while wishing Happy Birfday to guitar legend Bob Craver, I mistakenly embedded the same song twice in stead of two different songs. It's been corrected. Here's The Show, which was left out by accident. You're welcome, Earth.

The United States

In order of their contribution to American music. Minnesota wins!

Don't Forget This Gem From Last Year!

I can't stop laughing at the kid who merely throws his head on the bed in despair; you can practically see "Good Grief!" in an air balloon floating above him.

Frozen Pizza Slize

The folks at Serious Eats are asking what great frozen pizza is. To me, there is only one answer: Jeno's!

There are no small roles in social protest, and I took my place along with the other angry people horrified at the Jena 6 debacle by buying 6 frozen Jeno’s pizzas on the way home tonite. I’m telling you, I’m not even kidding, I’ve been obsessed with these things for about a month. And I don’t really know why; I’m looking at one right now and I see no cheese, the sausage looks like pencil shavings and the crust is apparently made out of crackers. But something about when you bite in....it’s like the first time you’re about to munch on a girl’s twat, you look in and are like “oh, HELL no!” and then next thing you know you’re out in her father’s boat in the middle of the river with her sitting on your face and not even her family dog licking your newly infected big toe can make you stop, know what I mean? Makes no sense when looking at it, but there you go. Life in a frozen box.

And another thing I love is no matter what or how many toppings you get, it’s the same price. Real pizza, you gotta pay extra for each topping. Not Jenos. “Whaddya want, the plain cheese, nothing on it? Great, that ‘ll be 99 cents....the pepperoni? 99 cents...hey, this one has truffles sorbet and once touched Princess Di’s nipple...tell you what, gimme 99 cents for it....”

Fucking Jenos. Slice. Of. Slices.

This is Pretty Freakin' Cool

Horrorgami. Yikes!

Halloween

Halloween 2012!

My favorite Halloweens of all time were the ones in Brooklyn with my little friends.

And, of course, Halloween means Count Jackula!!

Here's Count Jackula working his minions up into a lather before a nighttime cruising, looking for blood.


The Count loads up on carbs before all that blood-sucking. "Causing famine and destruction is a quick energy thing," he explains.

XMAS: Count, thanks so much for sitting down with me today.
COUNT JACKULA: Gooot EEEEEEVAHn- (starts choking on cookie, regains composure) ah jeez-
XMAS: ohmygod, are you okay?
COUNT JACKULA: WHO THE F*&%%$#! put raisins in my cookie??!?!
XMAS: you know, you seem a tad young to be a Count
COUNT JACKULA: yeah? well you seem...is that a sandwich?
XMAS: wha?
COUNT JACKULA: in your pocket...did I see a sandwich in your pocket?
XMAS: why would I have a sandwich in my pocket?
COUNT JACKULA: you've never heard of hot pockets? hiyoooooooo!!! hey, I keed, I keed!....but seriously, I'm an undead beast that should be feared.
XMAS: obviously
COUNT JACKULA: hey, did you know Brazillian vampires are thought to have furry feet?
XMAS: no, I didn't know that
COUNT JACKULA: not my kind of Brazillian, know what I mean Xmas? hahahaha! hey relax, I keed, I keed, relax...lighten up!
XMAS: I'm trying to, I just-
COUNT JACKULA: I mean what am I doing here, desperately clawing at the top of my coffin with my thickened, elongated fingernails? Hey, is this thing on? Hahahahaa!...but seriously, I can possess the malevolent spirit of any corpse I want, so if I was you I'd be pretty frightened.
XMAS: Hmm.
COUNT JACKULA: And I can squat 450lbs.
XMAS: what's a myth about...your kind...that bothers you?
COUNT JACKULA: The "we're scared of garlic" nonsense. I, for one, love garlic - a nice chicken adobo, with some soy sauce and maybe sliced almonds, who doesn't love that? You know what DOES scare me?
XMAS: What?
COUNT JACKULA: People who put garlic in mashed potatoes. Ugh
XMAS: Yes!
COUNT JACKULA: And also vrykolakas, which just by the sound of it should be scaring the hell out of you right now.
XMAS: It is. I guess it's time for me to go now.
COUNT JACKULA: Oh too bad, I was going to show you how I turn into a bat.
XMAS: Really??
COUNT JACKULA: No. What am I, on Jack Benny here? But before you leave if you could reach up into the freezer for me, I've got a case of taquitos that've been burning a hole in my mind for the last hour.
XMAS: Count, it's been a pleasure. Thank you.
COUNT JACKULA: That's VON taquito! TWO taquito! THR- (choking on red velvet cupcake) ah, godd^&^!%$!%$!it!!!


The Count with his undead, evil blood-sucking crew. Hmm. Frightening. Nyuk nyuk nyuk, indeed.


The Count: "I need a new gang..you call these dudes porphyriac? Maybe if we were making cupcakes for kittens instead of sucking the life out of the living..."


When the conversation turns from increasing the size of their undead army by inhabiting corpses and sucking blood of hapless victims to how much Lil Bat likes his new boots, The Count knows it's time to call it a night and wonders if Palace Fried Chicken is still open.

2008-2012

Xmastime sayeth in May 2011:

I'm to lazy to look it up, but I've bitched about this on Xmastime ad nauseum.  There's an entire bloc of voters who voted for Obama, and then got frustrated when he didn't deliver them puppies and rainbows on January 20, 2009.  But instead of staying the course and insisting on pushing for a progressive agenda no matter how incremental, they said "oh, fuck it", which opened the door for watered-down, mildly effective compromises, allowing opponents to pounce "see, it failed!"   This ushered in the austerity-loving governors who, after about 4 seconds in office, voters realized "oh, shit."

It's like demanding to fuck Angelina Jolie, and being told you'd hafta fuck Scarlett Johannsson for now while they worked on getting you up in Angelina's guts, and instead of fucking Scarlett's sweet tang you say “forget it, asshole!” and instead opt for being ass-raped by that monster Kardashian girl. 

Today Sully wholeheartedly agrees with Jonathon Chait that these people are fucking idiots.
Chait:

For anybody who voted for Obama in 2008 and had even the vaguest sense of his platform, the notion that he has fallen short of some plausible performance threshold seems to me unfathomable.

Sully:

I couldn't agree more. I have no idea what standard people are using to declare Obama's first term a failure. To save us from a Great Depression, rescue the auto industry, re-regulate Wall Street, decimate al Qaeda, kill bin Laden and Qaddafi and provide universal healthcare? That's failure? 

I Gotta Say Something Nice About this Asshole Now? Grrrr.

Over at Sully they're wondering why Christ Christie is being such a sweetie pie about Obama while telling Mitt to go eff himself. Over the years I've accused  Rex Ryan  Chris Christie of being a wanna-be YouTubehero blowhard assclown, but I feel this guy may be right:

The first, most benign theory: Christie, in my experience, is a deeply emotional and highly sentimental man, and he is torn-up about the devastation along the Jersey Shore. The support he's received from President Obama -- the support he receives from anyone -- at such a wrenching moment, makes him inordinately grateful. And President Obama has been extremely attentive.

Halloween Hitz

I'm always surprised at the paucity of classic Halloween songs. Monster Mash is, after all, the only true one.

Boo!

Apparently, watching horror films can burn calories. Between The Shining and Jaws, I should be about 99lbs. But I'm not. Hmm.

In the study, the top 10 calorie-burning horror films were the following:

1.  The Shining - 184 calories
2. Jaws - 161 calories
3. The Exorcist - 158 calories
4. Alien - 152 calories
5. Saw - 133 calories
6. A Nightmare on Elm Street - 118 calories
7. Paranormal Activity - 111 calories
8. The Blair Witch Project - 105 calories
9. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre - 107 calories
10. [Rec] - 101 calories

Why the fuck is The Omen not on this list?

Happy Birfday

...to Bob Craver, the Keef of our generation (guitar-wise, not otherwise) Bob love HERE.

I've mentioned my Grammy-winning debut Happy Scene ep several times. The biggest #1 selling hit was The Show (available on the right, click on "The Happy Scene", dumbass.)

Before the ep came out, the song accidentally found itself in the hands of Bob Craver, as in Bob Craver of DT and the Shakes, and he took it upon himself to add some guitar to the song. which, to me at the time, would be like God actually coming down and adding a chapter to the Bible. As I'm (sort of) transcribing some old tapes finally I just came across it.  Enjoy.


Also - a song from those sessions called The Kid Can't Help It. Ironically, on my way up to NYC to record I remember thinking well, if we get nothing else done, let's at least record The Kid Can't Help It. It was the first song we did (over-obviously partly why my singing is beyond more awful than it usually is - you can hear me say "I just start singing?" as if I actually thought there was another way to do it.)

Of course, that ended up being the only song that DIDN'T make it on to the ep. For obvious reasons. It's fairly unlistenable. But fuck it, will always have a special place in encrusted heart.

Slice du Jour

Niall Ferguson

Niall Ferguson preemptively adds fuel to the "if Obama wins the election it's only because he stole it" fire by writing an article with a title in the third person claiming that Obama has some tricky "Middle East surprise" up his sleeve, all while thoughtfully being condescending:

For slower readers, the paper spelled out how an announcement would affect the race for the White House: “The prospect of one-on-one negotiations could put Mr. Romney in an awkward spot ... The danger of opposing such a diplomatic initiative is that it could make him look as if he is willing to risk another American war in the Middle East without exhausting alternatives.”

Everyone's all in a tizzy about the "wag the dog" scenario, but a throwaway paragraph caught my eye:

Right now, Barack Obama certainly needs one [a surprise.]

Well, it is not going to come from the economy (unless you want to factor in the risk of a 1987-style stock-market plunge, which would hardly help the president). And it is not going to come from Donald Trump. And even if the Democrats dig up two more barking-mad Republican candidates for the Senate, both of whom believe that rapes are part of God’s plan to make babies, no one is going to be very surprised.

Ferguson is right. That would be no surprise at all, since for all of the heat Akin and Murdoch have gotten for their rape comments, as I wrote months ago these comments are perfectly in line with their own party, and Paul Ryan in particular. Ferguson probably didn't even notice the line as he wrote it, but he's correct re: we should no longer be surprised by the GOP's comments on rape, as they're simply toeing the party line.

Oh God, I Hate Myself

My spidey senses told me that Kelly from The Office's new show would suck, and from what I've read it has. My spidey senses also told me to run like hell from Dwight Schrute's spinoff, which NBC isn't even gonna let happen now.

So I am squeamish to present to you that I already fucking know that without a doubt I'll get hooked on The Wedding Band like a fucking idiot, even though it features the incomparably horrific David Silver. Fucking hell.

Interesting

Richmond's jobless rate drops to 6.2%, and the Richmond Times-Dispatch promptly endorses Romney. Of course.

Pizza Crawl

The folks over at Serious Eats are discussing a Brooklyn Pizza Crawl, which is a snoozefest since it it's made up of the same fucking pizzerias you read about everytime some fucker writes about pizza. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I suggest you visit Tinsel & Rot's Inaugural Staten Island Pizza Tour instead. Enjoy!

Give MIttney a Break Here

The ability to record video and audio has existed since at least before 201, so we know for a fact that Mitt Romney claimed that FEMA should be eliminated. Of course Hurricane Sandy has given Mittney an opportunity to run around acting like he gives a shit about people in need ("I'm making it rain soup cans, beeyotches!!!"), but that didn't stop him from completely ignoring reporters repeatedly asking him about his FEMA comment.

In Mittney's defense, maybe he just assumed the crowd of reporters following him around the country every day for months were asking somebody ELSE the question over and over, much like this video of The Short Bus years ago, in which one of my favorite comments in the comments sections said "Maybe the kid's name isn't Gil." Ha!

Rumble Suggestion

The staff of Championship Vinyl vs. the staff of Empire Records.

I give the edge to Championship Vinyl. Even though the movie sucked, Jack Black is not only the singular mildly entertaining character in either movie but is also in the Xmastime Steals a Movie in Five Minutes Hall of Fame, which also includes the Coach from Teen Wolf (duh), Oliver Platt in A Time to Kill, Pig Vomit in Prvate Parts and, the King of them All, Bob Uecker in Major League (cap doffed here.) So. Oh, and those Empire Records kids are fucking pussies.

Xmastime Sayeth

Empire Records is an oddly re-watchable movie. Also, the last time Renee Zellweger was in any way even remotely fuckable.

Why Do I Find This So Funny?

and by "funny" of course I mean a-DOR-able!!!!

Football Heroes.

Xmastime memories:

Watching all the Super Bowl hoopla, I was just reminded of my high school days. Unlike pro qbs, the signal calling at our level was "down! set! go!" and we're off. The one "go" being called in the huddle as "on one", ie soon as you hear "go" start moving your ass. Now, if you wanted to be fancy and keep the defense on their toes, you'd go on two: "ready! set! go! go!" But. Our line being so fucking stupid, my brother could never call a play on two, cause we'd fucking jump offsides. Like clockwork. Once a year, first game of the season he'd try to call a play on two, but of course "down! set! go-" bam! we're running into each other while he has his hands on his hip, shaking his head in disgust. So from then on, always on one. Which I'm sure opposing defenses caught onto, which of course helped lead us to all those 48-6 (not as close as the score indicates) bludgeonings. Christ. 

Looks like NFL teams are better at this than we were:

Audio coverage of sports keeps getting better, and if you listen closely during NFL games, you may have noticed that starting the play on hut one, hut two or hut three has gone out of style. Since last season, Aaron Rodgers has started plays with the command "green 18!" This season, Joe Flacco and RG3 have been snapping the ball on "set!" Tom Brady starts plays with "alpha alpha!" or saying nothing, just lifting his knee. Eli Manning starts plays with "Omaha, hike!" What's going on is that with so many NFL teams embracing the no-huddle, there is no moment in which to communicate the snap count to players.

How 'bout that?

Use the Force...to Get a Fucking Life

If you're a grownup and are upset that they're making a 7th Star Wars movie, you really need to get a fucking life. I didn't get upset when Anal Encounters V came out, did I? No. Shit goes on. Let it go.

Perspective

Trump has graciously extended his offer to give $5M if Barry can prove he can read and write to Thursday morning. These events really do reveal the heroes amongst us, don't they? (choking up & grabbing kleenex, oh don't look at me I'm a blubbering mess!!!!)

Maybe Everything That Dies, Someday Comes Back

Something tells me Bruce The Boss Springsteen will be opening tomorrow night's show with a solo acoustic Atlantic City. Just like he did on a certain night back in March of 2003. A night during which a certain coupla fellows met him afterwards. No big deal. And if you think I'm gonna even come close to revealing who those gentlemen were and therein compromise their respect for privacy, then I'm sorry but you don't know the first thing about me.

Bruce dedicated The Beatles' "Tell Me Why" to his mom, who brought him down to Atlantic City when he was a kid to see Chubby Checker, and to "all the bands that played in this room that inspired us." High energy throughout, a strong setlist within the Rising framework, a killer show. 

If you think I'm gonna reveal who those gentlemen were that also met his mother after that show, how fucking dare you...how dare you think I'd do such a thing. How dare y-oh, GODDAMM!!!! I hit "post" before realizing I'd put this picture in OHMYGOSH I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!

Booce!

Due to Sandy fucking things up, Rocherster is getting the first Halloween Bruce The Boss Springsteen show in 20 years. This one came close:

October 30, 2007 – Los Angeles Sports Arena
No special song this time, but back at the Sports Arena (this time, the night before Halloween), Bruce is again carried on stage in a coffin. Steve presents him a guitar and he asks, "Is there anybody alive out there?" as he starts the standard "Radio Nowhere" opener.  

This one seems interesting too:

October 31, 1980 – Los Angeles Sports Arena
Bruce is carried on stage in a coffin and starts this River tour show with a cover of "Jumpin'" Gene Simmons' "Haunted House." YouTube (audio) link is here. Lesser known about this night is that Bruce also did a special cover to start the show’s second set: the instrumental "Out of Limits" (a takeoff on the Outer Limits television show theme), originally done by the Marketts in 1964.

Xmastime Likes This

Mallard Cove Resort, Lake Sutherland, Port Angeles, Washington, August 27, 1973

Crystal Clear

Hypocrisy can't get any clearer than this:

Republican governors order hurricane evacuations so we won’t have to bail you out. Then why do they defend your right to skip health insurance?

Boom.

Oh, Sandy

One of the weirder things about presidential campaigns is that when something like a natural catastrophe happens, we're supposed to sit back and judge how the two candidates handle the situation as if they're equals, which is absurd. One of them can actually affect change and help (or, like a certain president, I won't name names, hurt.) The other has about as much to do with anything as me. As Dave Weigel says:

Mitt Romney doesn't run anything. He cannot direct government resources anywhere.

Seems Legit

Reveal yourself, Mrs. Xmastime!!! You know who you are!!

E-Card Content:

Hey,

This is hard for me because I have never done anything like this.. but I have a huge crush on you. I have never been able to tell you for reasons which you would quickly identify as obvious if you knew who this was.

I'm really attracted to you and I think you would be wanting to get with *Read FULL Card Here*

http://citysexlocal2.ru

Swing the Fucking Bat!

I've always cackled with glee about Carlos Beltran's pitiful strikeout looking set in motion the utter and pathetically laughable downfall of the Mets, because fuck the fucking Mets, and now Miguel Cabrera has become the first batter to end a World Series looking at strike three in 87 years.

Quite a different taste in the mouth than his also being the first Triple Crown winner in 45 years, I'd say.

Xmastime Confessions

I really have no idea what this whole Gangham Style stuff is. At all.

(You Can't) Kill Rock City

Via Sully we see this article about the heartbreak of seeing NYC submerged under water:

New York is the city I love best, and I'm trying to imagine it from a distance tonight. The lurid, flash-lit instagram images of floating cars in Alphabet City or water pouring out of the East River into Dumbo, the reports of bridges to the Howard Beach submerging and facades falling off apartment houses – it all stings. It's as horrible in its very different way as watching 9/11.

I'm glad all my friends up there are okay, but I will admit to a touch of, I dunno, sadness? envy? as their texts came in all night, excitedly going through the shit together (ie, drunk) while I was hundreds of miles away, on the outside. One think about New York City I'll always remember is that people in New York City love going through extraordinary shit together. Of course the two best examples of my years there would be the blackout and 9/11. Maybe this is because everybody knows that in the end, nothing can actually break the city.

Happy Birfday

To my favorite writer, Eric Kraft!

Enjoy previous Xmastime blatherings HERE.

Hurricane Memory Lane! You're Welcome, Earth!

Did You REALLY think you'd get through Hurricane Sandy without me dragging out the old "hits"?!??!
From 2007:

I see now that hurricane season is a 'comin, and will be a "special" one. Great. More 3-hour segments of watching Anderson Cooper standing in the rain. When the fuck did this start? Might've been kinda cool the first time years ago. "Oh wow, dude's gettin blown around. Cool." Now it's like hey, I fucking get it....it's a lot of rain and very windy. Got it. You can come inside now, dipshit. Do we need to see hours and hours of this shit? Is a shark gonna come flying by? At least make it interesting, have him sit there at a card table trying to play Monopoly. That's better than "...so yeah, I'm standing here...it's wet...ooohh, windy!....ahhh..." Or a contest with Death Row inmates - first one who can stand in the hurricane and wrap a Christmas present, you're free to go.

And don't get me started on these names they give these things...just saw a list of the names in the que for 2009....Ana? Bill? DANNY? We don't even call it "Daniel", we go for the boyish nickname, "Danny"? Why not "Poptop"?...GRACE??? Is "Serene" unavailable?...Larry. We're actually calling a hurricane Larry. Unreal. Oh, and Rose. Cause if there's a freakish hell-storm about to land on a city and demolish buildings and kill people, you wanna name it after a flower. Christ. Not really names that make me think "maybe I should get outta town for a while." Can we do someting about this? How bout instead of "Hurricane Claudette", we use "Hurricane Your ex-Wife Is Back in Town, Has Lost the 50lbs and Is Looking to Fuck the Phonebook", or "Hurricane What the...Which One of You called Me N---er?" Wouldn't these be a bit more intimidating? Camon.

But seriously, enough with the fucking footage. We know what a hurricane looks like. And we don't care.

Well. There are exceptions of course.

Here's me finally validated in 2012:

Some dude HERE on hurricane names.

The perceived toughness of a name really reflects nothing about the hurricane itself. 

Then he goes on to say some stupid shit, who the fuck knows what.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't you write the book on riffs about hurricane names?"

Sigh. Of COURSE I did!!!!

Here's Theodore laying it down in 2008:

So three years ago President Bush caught a lot of shit for responding so slowly to Hurricane Katrina. I guess nobody cares to remember that HELLO!!! He was ON VACATION!!!!!!

But this time he's doing the right thing, so can all you pussy crybaby liberals quit with your fucking crying already? Hey, so he fucked up last time. With this one he'll be 1 for 2 on devestating hurricane responses for his career...hey, guess what happens if you hit .500 in baseball? THEY PUT YOU IN THE HALL OF FAME!

In your FACE!!!!!

Rocking You Like a Hurricane,
THEODORE

More from 2007:

While down in Cape Hatteras this past week I noticed a high school whole team name was "The Hurricanes." Glib irreverance or taunting? Like a school in Kansas called "The Twisters", or an inner-city black school called "The White Voters." If there is a God, I would think eventually he'd notice this school and be like 'oh yeah? eff you!" and send in Hurricane....hurricane whatever; didn't I have a riff months back about hurricane names? Anyways. And yes, I now await the inevitable Catholic school sex abuse names. 

And Hurricane Irene, which never fucking happened:

I'm Just Saying...

...Tuesday we had an earthquake, and now we're about to have a hurricane of historical proportions.  I really don't know what else God has to do to get people to notice my new jeans.  I mean, what the fuck, people? 

MORE about how awesome I am:

They're Finally Naming Hurricane Correctly

Okay, "Earl" has some heft to it in the scary department.

Of course it's no Ike, but still affective.

And, of course, the poor Short Bus

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Short Bus Has to Try to Survive Hurricane Irene in a Tent Only a Few Miles from the Ocean; Even Worse, Apparently is Being Forced to Wear Socks with Crocs.

Speaking of Bullshit...

...Sully points out the hypocrisy of Romney as a "bipartisan" governor.

Pro-BS

I've long wondered why those who claim to be "pro-life" are also the most vociferous supporters of the death penalty, and Tom Friedman brings it all home in the New York Times today (or, as I call it, The Times):

In my world, you don’t get to call yourself “pro-life” and be against common-sense gun control — like banning public access to the kind of semiautomatic assault rifle, designed for warfare, that was used recently in a Colorado theater. You don’t get to call yourself “pro-life” and want to shut down the Environmental Protection Agency, which ensures clean air and clean water, prevents childhood asthma, preserves biodiversity and combats climate change that could disrupt every life on the planet. You don’t get to call yourself “pro-life” and oppose programs like Head Start that provide basic education, health and nutrition for the most disadvantaged children. You can call yourself a “pro-conception-to-birth, indifferent-to-life conservative.” I will never refer to someone who pickets Planned Parenthood but lobbies against common-sense gun laws as “pro-life.”

“Pro-life” can mean only one thing: “respect for the sanctity of life.” And there is no way that respect for the sanctity of life can mean we are obligated to protect every fertilized egg in a woman’s body, no matter how that egg got fertilized, but we are not obligated to protect every living person from being shot with a concealed automatic weapon. I have no respect for someone who relies on voodoo science to declare that a woman’s body can distinguish a “legitimate” rape, but then declares — when 99 percent of all climate scientists conclude that climate change poses a danger to the sanctity of all life on the planet — that global warming is just a hoax.

Halloween Bullshit

And does anyone know anyone who knows anyone who actually got the 'ol razor in the apple? Seems like if anyone pulled that on a kid he'd get busted - seriously, if some asshole tried to pass an apple off on you during trick or treating, you'd fucking remember who it was, no? And what kid came home, dumped out his bag of candy on the table and immediately reached over the piles of Snickers and candy corn to shove an APPLE into his mouth? Who's this Poindexter? I would think you'd eventually SEE a razor since by the time you had gorged on your loot the damn thing woulda rotted away. "Oh look, there's a razor in this apple."  - XMASTIME

Turns out nobody knows of any shit actually happening to kids trick or treating.

It’s easy to see how these urban legends have taken hold because they’re so terrifying. After all, parents spend 364 days of every year telling their kids not to take candy from strangers precisely because it might be poisoned, then give the thumbs-up to taking snacks from every house in the neighborhood on Halloween. It’s only natural that parents would get a little nervous. Plus, after the terrifyingly random Tylenol murders of 1982 where seven Chicagoland people died after taking randomly poisoned pain medication, many people have been more than a little nervous about crazed poisoners.

Of course, the scares get a real boost every few years when someone, often a parent, dies while eating Halloween candy or immediately afterwards. Statistically, you’d expect just as many people to randomly drop dead on Halloween as any other day of the year, but any time a parent has a fatal heart attack after eating a miniature Butterfinger, the poison candy scourge gets the blame until the autopsy results come back. Everything from heart failure to fatal bacterial infections have been initially blamed on poisoned candy.

Pumpkinz

Someone in my office did this for our pumpkin contest. I did not win, presumably due to PBBS (Pretty Boy Backlash Syndrome.)  Fuck 'em! 

ps - yes, the glasses were photoshopped, dammit

Hold Up. Hold the Fuck Up.

There's a KFC with an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Wonder if it includes the surprisingly good Double Down.

Announcement

IllWill has asked me to spread the word re: this kid, a guy from New Kent who's been missing in NYC for almost a year. Hope they find him.

Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Mariano is considering...not coming back?

New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said closer Mariano Rivera informed him earlier this week that he is unsure if he will play again or retire.

Cashman told ESPN New York that on Tuesday he and Rivera had a conversation in which Rivera said he does not know yet if he will return for a 19th season.

Surprise: The Knicks Fucking Suck

I'm not a poetry slam guy, but I hafta agree with my buddy Ada Limon on this one:

I keep trying not to post something about this. It's so dumb, but it's so offensive to us poets. I love sports. I'm watching the World Series right now. But NY Knicks, if your bad marketing campaign is really asking if I'd rather see poets speak about the real big ticket life or death shit that may inspire me, change my outlook, or help me recommit to the world when life is terrible and hard, than watch an overpaid athlete put an orange ball in a basket like it matters...than yes, I will choose poets. I will choose poets and baseball. So there. 

Sigh. YES, assholes, she has always been a Mrs. Xmastime!!!!!

Electoral Community College

The other day on Facebook I wrote:

I see the preemptive "if Obama wins its only because he stole the election" stuff is making the FB rounds. Imma flip the script and suggest that if Romney wins it's only because he stole...the hearts of America!!!!!! 

I'm starting to hear a lot re: Obama might lose the popular vote but still win the Electoral College. That's good news for people who have been clamoring for the Electoral College to go away, since it will disappear about three seconds after the GOP howls with indignant, screeching, outrage over Obama "stealing" the election. Ha!  And of course they won't have a thing to say about Bush in 2000, of course (twice!)

I'm in a Marley Mood Today, Watch Out!

Election Day approaching means I have an excuse to repost my favorite email of all time, sent by Marley on Election Day four years ago:

"I can't wish you luck (it appears you won't need it), but I do wish you and the new president well.

I hope the lines are not too long for tomorrow's voting."

Still dying!  :)

Giving Donald Trump a Minute of Thought Sucks the Air OUt of the Goddam Planet

I can't believe these idiots saying "Hey, why doesn't Obama just show the documents? I mean, if there's nothing to hide, why not just show them?"

I guess these people like their president to be somehow bound by the whims of the only person who's more of a publicity whore than the Kardashians.

But what's next? What if Trump decides he needs proof that Obama has a penis and is therein a male? You know, "for charity."   "Gee, if Obama's got nothing to hide, why wouldn't he just show us his dick?"

Greatest Song of All Time Candidate

Nerds

"What happened to being cool?" - David Bielanko

As you already know Bill Burr is my favorite contemporary comedian, and starting at the 3:00 point in this clip, he asks the same question as my buddy Dave did, culminating in calling bullshit on Steve Jobs. Awesome.

Light Bulb Update

Here we are two months later, and this fucking light bulb is still blazing. 24/7. Wtf?

To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With

Although my superslice of superslices The Chicken Heart wasn't on it, Mr. Russell played this one for us too, and it's included in Mental Floss' 1001 Masterpieces:

January 27, 1968, wasn’t the best night for a performance. Cleveland was in the thick of a serious ice storm, making travel near impossible. The 30-year-old was about to record the most important show of his career, and no one was there to laugh. With no other options, Cosby delayed the set until it seemed the last of the stragglers had arrived. The scene that followed is a staple of comedy lore. As he took the stage, a lone woman entered the hall and walked the length of the aisle, the click-click of each step reverberating through the room. Cosby stepped up to the mike, cupped his hands around it, and boomed, “You’re late.” It brought the house down.

List of the 101 Masterpieces (so far) HERE.

Oh, Shuck This Shit

"Whhhaaaaaaat? It's funny!!"

Sniffy Wiffy gets in hot water for accusing Obama of doing some "shucking 'n jiving," then of course doubles down and demands that there's absolutely nothing racist about doing so because she says the same thing to her kids, and then she says something about some Eskimos I mean really for fucking rerals who can read this shit.

I think I'll surprise longtime Xmastime fans when I come out on Sniffy's side on this one - besides the obvious fact that this is of course the Blamestream Media using her words to continue its assault on freedom by suppressing the free speech that Jesus founded this great country on, I must give her props for staying away from the tried and true "there is no one less racist than me!!!" line. Kudos, Les Sniffs!

Now of course, we sit back and await the inevitable indignation re: SHE'S the victim, since, as we already know, the only thing worse than being racist is being accused of being racist. Of course.

I've written about a million times on these pages the absurdity in the recent phenomenon wherein CALLING someone a racist is worse than actually BEING a racist, and I must say, it's hard to crystallize this more than good ol' Dubyanuts hisself here.

He's still more upset about being called a racist than he is about Katrina itself. Of course.

George had plenty of black friends - hey, here's one now! Howdy friend!

Election Day

I see the preemptive "if Obama wins its only because he stole the election" stuff is making the FB rounds. Imma flip the script and suggest that if Romney wins it's only because he stole...the hearts of America!!!!!!

Meet Me in the Land of Hope and Dreams

MLB is using the studio version of Land of Hope and Dreams, ie the crappy version, to promote its playoffs.  Okay. - XMASTIME

Article HERE re: Bruce and baseball:

In other words, the song has nothing whatsoever to do with baseball -- certainly the words don't. But I think Caryn is right, I don't think it's the words that make the song good. It's the music. It's the hopeful backbeat. It's the choir singing. It's the saxophone. I'm sure a lot of people at this point DESPISE the song. I understand that. But I love it. I hear baseball in it.

Here We Go Again

A little while ago I asked:

Who was the last GOP presidential nominee who didn't have serious Daddy issues? 

And right on schedule, Tagg Romney is having to apologize for wanting to take a swing at Obama. Of course.

Tagg Romney in 2032!

Ouch.

Sully asks if the subject might come up were it Obama that was committed to a racist religion instead of Romney.

HAPPY BIRFDAY

Watty! 

Sigh....shit never gets old, does it?  :)

sniff snifff...memories!

It's Official: The Salt Lake Tribune Hates Freedom

Of all places, the Salt Lake Tribune has endorsed...Obama?

"As the party's shape-shifting nominee," the Tribune says, "Romney has raised the most frequently asked question of the campaign: 'Who is this guy, really, and what in the world does he truly believe?' "

The endorsement praises Obama as "a competent leader who, against tough odds, has guided the country through catastrophe and set a course that, while rocky, is pointing toward a brighter day."

How much of a shitbag does the King of All Mormons who "singlehandedly saved!" the Salt Lake City Olympics need to be for these people to turn on him? What's next, any newspaper in Atlanta  JET endorsing Mittney?

Zingah!

This is pretty funny:

OBAMA: Now, I’m not a medical doctor but I do want to go over some of the symptoms with you because I want to make sure nobody else catches it.
If you say you’re for equal pay for equal work, but you keep refusing to say whether or not you’d sign a bill that protects equal pay for equal work – you might have Romnesia. If you say women should have access to contraceptive care, but you support legislation that would let your employer deny you contraceptive care – you might have a case of Romnesia. If you say you’ll protect a woman’s right to choose, but you stand up at a primary debate and said that you’d be “delighted” to sign a law outlawing that right to choose in all cases – man, you’ve definitely got Romnesia

And if you come down with a case of Romnesia, and you can’t seem to remember the policies that are still on your website, or the promises you’ve made over the six years you’ve been running for President, here’s the good news: Obamacare covers pre-existing conditions.

We can fix you up. We’ve got a cure. We can make you well, Virginia. This is a curable disease.

Quote du Jour

Via Grantland:

Rodriguez was hardly alone in his struggles as the Tigers swept the Yankees out of the playoffs, joining Robinson Cano, Curtis Granderson, and Nick Swisher to form a Voltron of playoff incompetence.

Ha! Voltron!

Like Labeling the Libya Attack, What Took So Long Mr. President?

Is Obama holding onto his Honey Boo Boo endorsement for the very end? Very savvy. Hey, does Modern English open with I Melt with You? Heck no.  - XMASTIME

Fucking finally:

"And we're getting to that time when folks are making up their minds. The other day, Honey Boo-Boo endorsed me," he said, referring to the child star of a new TLC reality show.

"So that's a big relief."

Value Meal

Nobody has any money, nobody has a job, yet McDonald's profits went up 80%!!!! In other words, why the fuck aren't these people in charge of getting our economy back on track? Wtf?  - XMASTIME

That was back in 2009, and due to McDonald's being fans of Xmastime and heeding my words, Sully points out the steps they've taken (ie, selling shit Americans wouldn't eat if you paid them) to ta-DA!...beat the Great Recession.

The 2012 New York Yankees

For years, Joe Girardi has driven fans bananas by micro-managing the lineup, vis-a-vis lefty/righty or this guy hits that guy or so and so hit great in the rain, no matter whose place he was taking in the lineup. Ironically, I think the worst thing to happen to the Yankees looking back on it is the Raul Ibanez pinch-hit home run against the Orioles, which gave Girardi license to become even MORE overly-precious with the lineup, trying to tweak together a World Series run with machinations instead of the studs that got them there in the first place.  Thanks, Joe. You're fucking awesome.

Ryan BS

The president of the soup kitchen where Paul Ran put on his little performance last week has exposed the photo-op as being complete bullshit, which has apparently led to donors pulling their donations from the soup kitchen and heaping abuse on the guy:

Ryan supporters have now targeted Antal and his soup kitchen, Antal said, including making hundreds of angry phone calls. Some members of Antal's volunteer staff have had to endure the barrage as well, he said.  Antal said doesn't understand why donors would take out their frustration over the incident on those who can't afford to pay for their own meals. "I'm a volunteer,' he said. "I receive zero compensation. Withholding donations is only going to hurt the over 100,000 we serve annually."

Hey, this asshole bruised Eddie Munster's feelings, and now totally innocent people hafta pay the price. It's not complicated. The only real question is why Ryan thought such a photo-op was necessary in the first place, since obviously anyone desperate enough to go to a soup kitchen is a scum of the Earth loser who isn't one of our noble job creators, so.

Word You Don't Hear Every Day in Rock du Jour

Circumlocution

On a side note, I've almost forgotten how incredible this album was.

Self-Awareness. It's Important.

Funny line from Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen:

But I came here today because I'm thankful for universal health care, the lack of which was for so long an embarrassment to our country. I'm thankful for a more regulated Wall Street. I'm thankful GM is still making cars. What else would I write about?! I'd have no job without that!

Then he played No Surrender / The Promised Land / Forward / Youngstown / We Take Care of Our Own / This Land is Your Land / Thunder Road. See the entire stream HERE.

Bruce Springsteen Hates Freedom and Jesus; Jesus' Scrappy, Loveable Sidekick Baby Jesus is Crazed with Anger and Burning All His Albums "Including Human Touch, Which Fucking Sucked Anyway"

Bruce officially comes out for Obama:

Right now, we need a President who has a vision that includes all of our citizens, not just some, whether they are our devastated poor, our pressured middle class, and yes, the wealthy too; whether they are male or female, black, white, brown, or yellow, straight or gay, civilian or military.

Fucking commie.

"You're gonna play Bobby Jean, and you're gonna fucking like it."

Fall is Coming...

...which means it's time for The Irish R.M.

It's tuff to think what I got from my father - he was a sober, serious man whom I saw laugh out loud exactly once, while I'm a fucking ass-clown.  - XMASTIME

I've mentioned several times throughout this site my memories of watching the Masterpiece Theatre presentation of The Irish RM as a little kid, during which I'd get maybe 5% of the humor but would laugh along, bewildered, while my dad laughed uproariously. - XMASTIME

One thing about Downton Abbey is that in looking at it today I'd have no problem believing it was produced in 1983, the same year The Irish RM was on; now here I am, only slightly younger than my dad was at the time, and I'm laughing/crying uproariously at it.  I guess Downton Abbey, after all these years, is MY Irish RM.

"They were 'Black Protestants', all of them, in virtue of their descent from a godly soldier of Cromwell, and all were prepared at any moment of the day or night to sell a horse."

Fuck Nike

On one hand, it'd be nice if one of the thousands of people whose lives had been saved or bettered by Armstrong's half a billion dollars raised for cancer would speak up for him. On the other hand, I guess you could say well if someone else was winning all those gold jerseys, who knows what'd THEY'D have done in the saving lives department? On the other hand, I'm guessing the odds of everyone else doping too is about 100%. On the fourth hand who gives a shit, it's fucking cycling.

On the fifth hand, fuck Nike:

But seriously, fuck Nike. Real fucking brave of Nike to dump a retired athlete well after they'd squeezed every last useful promotional drop out of him, in his doping prime. It's not exactly a huge sacrifice for Nike to cut Armstrong loose today. There are no more Tour de France wins to capitalize on, and now they get a cheap way to stake out the moral high ground, where Nike never, ever belongs.

The false naivete is almost blinding. WHOA HEY NOW THERE'S INSURMOUNTABLE EVIDENCE! WE CAN'T STAND FOR THIS HARRUMPH HARRUMPH HARRUMPH. Like Nike didn't know ages ago that Lance rode up the Pyrenees with four million cc's of oxygenated dinosaur plasma stuffed into his veins. (Meanwhile, according to Greg LeMond's wife, Nike once paid a former UCI president $500,000 to cover up positive drug test.)

Poor, innocent little Nike! They feel so BETRAYED by Lance!

Yankees

Three years ago, I wrote this on the last day of the Yankees' season:

The Old Guard contributed the winning pitcher of the World Series clincher, the pitcher that closed the game, the catcher that caught it and the Captain that had three hits and two runs. The new big-money guys folded into the team seamlessly - one the ace, another an MVP candidate, and two who taught the team that it's not against the law to relax and have some fun. Youth and speed were allowed to contribute for the first time in a long time. A-Rod will never be called a loser or choke artist again. Girardi learned a goofy pool tournament and letting the team play loud music in the clubhouse can be more effective than being high-strung and keeping secrets from the media. And as stupid as it sounds, the team really, really liked each other, and it showed in how they fought and scrapped and busted their asses every day. I'm so happy they won. But I'm bummed out they're not playing tomorrow. I miss this team like hell already. 

Tonight might be the last day of this Yankee team's season. I'm doubtful I'll feel the same way as I did three years ago.

Email Anxiety. I've Had It.

Thanks to Sully, we see this article about the anxiety of checking email constantly:

...think of a time you didn't check your email for a week. If you're like me, you probably opened your email expecting lots of exciting news – a sum of all the excitement you experience with each individual email. But actually, a week's worth of email isn't very exciting. The interest that email generates as you see it arriving in your inbox is an illusion generated by hyperbolic discounting. 

This of course reminds you of my own pathetic ass from several years ago. Ugh. What a fucking pansy.

More Shit for You to Worry About

From HERE a coupla years ago:

This guy HERE talks about the absurdity of us caring how much a movie or song costs to make as well as the stupidity of us caring how much it sells.

 Information about artists' deals and sales are irrelevant to the consumer. Why is it important to know these things? Too many times I hear people say "the record only sold [insert low number] so it can't be good." Why should sales affect whether or not you'll buy an album or see a movie? How much a movie cost to make doesn't make it a good movie.

Which I wrote about a few years ago HERE, although, to be honest, my "fancy food restaurant" riff was even funnier.

6) Speaking of movies, do I constantly need to be barraged with articles about how good or bad the movie business is doing? Every day, all I see in the papers are charts with how much $$$$ each movie is making. Unless my name is Steven Speilburg, why do I give a fuck? When did this start happening, when did we start demanding to know how much each movie was raking in? But even better than that is how every other fucking week we gotta read through some sob story where the movie industry wants us to feel bad cause they’re not making as much money during this quarter, please please run out and spend all your money at the movies!!! Cause even though I’m returning all my Krasdale Coconut Grape Drink aluminum cans to Key Food for a nickel so I can buy a pound of “ground meat” for 99 cents, how can I live with myself if Jeffrey Katzenberg doesn’t make enough scratch this week to buy Trinidad AND Tobago????? Fuckwads. Save these fucking reports for the 6 people in Hollywood whom it affects, and in the meantime maybe, hell, just for shits and giggles, actually try to make a fresh, new movie that doesn’t COMPLETELY fucking suck.

As I wrote probably brilliantly HERE:

Nobody gives a shit how much a movie costs to make. Whether a movie was made for $100 or $100M, if I thought it was a great movie I never questioned if the $12 ticket was worth it or not. And the same is true if the movie sucks - I never think well, that movie sucked but it was worth it cause I only paid $4 for it. And my liking or disliking the movie, therein establishing it's value to myself, may influence whether or not I decide to pay to see another movie.

And now Splitsider has a post excitedly telling us that NBC has had it's best opening week in 10 years.

Shew!! Thank god, I was worried they'd be down to their last $10B if the week didn't go well!

I mean for fucks sake, why on Earth would anybody think anyone not in the industry would really give a shit?

Oh No. What Happened?

Hmm. I Think I've Spotted the Problem.

Memory Lane

The 10-most mourned NYC Bars

I've only been to three, although there was a few years in the beginning of my years in NYC that I was rambling* the LES with Keith to a million different bars, none of which I knew the names of. Including, of course, my first foray into a gay bar, where Keith patiently waited out my questions until the answer finally dawned on me: "How come nobody's wearing a shirt?" "How come everybody kisses the bartender before they leave?" "On the lips?" "This is a lot of leather pants in one place, isn't it?" "What were you doing in the bathroom for 20 minutes?"

*Op^®

Warning

I think I just downloaded some live-blogging software. You fuckers are in trouble now. In the queue Boy Meets World marathon!!!!!

Question

Via a Sully reader:

Romney said "Government does not create jobs, government does not create jobs" ... but also says, "I am going to create 12 million new jobs as president." Is it just me or is there a huge disconnect here?

Also disconnect: if it took Romney 5+ years to finally convince Republicans to like like him, why would we assume he'd suddenly turn into a hyper-competent President whom everybody in Congress would be so eager to work with?

Debate, The Next Morning

If I've heard my right-wing radio correctly this morning, and I believe I have, Romney won the debate, but only slightly due to a liberal moderator who was the tool of a left-wing media desperate to prop up Obama, who may or may not have even been at the debate. So.

"You said you'd call! You said you liked me!!!"

Debate Wrap-Up

For all the snark Romney's "binder full of women" remark is getting, isn't it even worse for him that this would connote that he's for affirmative action?

Debate, 14

China responds to Romney accusing them of becoming currency manipulators: "Yeah. No sh*t, Sherlock."

Debate, 13

The Blamestream Media will claim Obama won, but in Mitt's defense, was having Roseanne Barr as moderator really fair?

Debate, 12

On a more serious note, this is the unsexiest studio audience since Gallagher was on Hee-Haw. ugh.

Debate, 11

"Gov. Romney, if you're gonna try to tell me Rihanna should take Chris Brown back then I'm gonna hafta stop you right here..."

Debate, 9

Did Romney just discredit the job that Governors do? I'm guessing he just lost 50 votes. Well, 49 - Alaska won't see this footage for a coupla weeks.

Debate, 8

Speaking of China, Romney looks about as comfortable as I do whenever someone says "why don't we just order family style, and share?" Grrrr.

Debate, 7

"Romney making the case that women can't work the same hours as men. Brilliant!" - some dude from 1955, probably called 'The Gooch'

Debate, 6

Is Obama holding onto his Honey Boo Boo endorsement for the very end? Very savvy. Hey, does Modern English open with I Melt with You? Heck no.

Debate, 5

If Obama's not gonna ask Romney "will the rest of the Fantastic Four be in your Cabinet?", then I really don't know what I can do to help him at this point.

Debate, 4

Obama didn't mention this is his and Michelle's 20th wedding anniversary, "plus another two weeks." He's dead in the water.

Debate, 3

No female moderator since 1992, until tonight. Gee, I wonder what happened back then?

Debate, 2

Whichever candidate uses the Joe Pesci defense tonight will get my vote.