I Hope Snakes Can't Fucking Read

If you're a brown tree snake, those dead rodents that will soon be falling from the sky over Guam's Andersen Air Force Base could be your last meal. That's because the U.S. Department of Agriculture is planning to pack each one with acetaminophen, the genetic equivalent of Tylenol, which can kill a snake in 72 hours. - CNN

I'm curious to hear what a certain someone has to say about this....

Listz

I just stumbled upon this list for some reason, and remembered I'd posted about it years ago (of course) - Xmastime


TIME Magazine has released it's list of "The 50 Worst Inventions" HERE.

Umm...I don't wanna come off as a stick in the mud here, but it's hard to really give such a list any cred if "whacky anthropomorphic papar clip that helps you with Microsoft Office" or "re-configured soft drink" or "moving vehicle for people too lazy and rich to pedal" make the list ahead of "an herbicide and defoliant used by the U.S. military  during the Vietnam War resulting in 400,000 deaths and disabilities, and 500,000 children born with birth defects," isn't it?

I mean, really? Wtf?

And even if we say well, there's no real ORDER to the list, shouldn't these things be on COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LISTS??!?!?  I mean, talk about a game of "which one doesn't belong," right?

Clippy, New Coke, and Crocs should be on one list; Agent Orange, slavery and Holocaust on another, right? Wtf?

ALSO.

Seriously? The car alarm isn't on the list? How shitty is this fucking list? Haven't we already been over this?

4) Car Alarms. Like everyone else I wanna jump off a bridge whenever one of these things go off, but they are fun to think about when you consider has there been a single piece of widespread technology developed over the last 15 years that is as completely worthless as these things? What are the numbers on how many cars have been “saved” because of these things? Number of Times I’ve Seen/Heard One of These Things Going Off: 22,943 Number of Times I Have Ever Seen Anyone React in Such a Way So as to Stop a Crime: 0. You never hear one of these go off, and then see some dude sprinting down the hallway “My car! Someone’s breaking in, I can hear it!! I’ll kill him!!!!” It’s always car alarm goes off, and you see some guy “...and so, summarize, I-...oh crap. Is that mine? Is that me? Jimbo, that your car or mine? Mine? You sure? Crap. I gotta go down and turn it off. Dammit!”

Williamsburg Duh du Jour

Like anybody I guess, I assumed New York City began the second I walked in, and would disappear the moment I left. Just now I walked by my freight elevator, where a kid in his early 20's wearing a Yeah Yeah Yeahs t-shirt was excitedly loading in boxes from what looked like his parents' minivan. - XMASTIME

Finally,. a documentary about the gentrification of Williamsburg:

With a winning combination of wit, anger, and political savvy, filmmaker Su Friedrich and co-writer Cathy Quinlan record how the neighborhood has changed from when they arrived in 1989 to the rich-hipster haven it has become. Friedrich casts a jaundiced eye on the sleek granite kitchen counters featured at the condo openings she attends; she paints graffiti on construction fences (“Artists Used To Live Here”) and comments wryly on her new neighbors (“What’s with all the fancy dogs?”).

My leaving Williamsburg. 

Sigh. The World, Trying to Catch Up.

Someone over at The Awl has come up with the revolutionary idea that there should be awards for actors who appear briefly in movies but leave a huge mark.

And by "revolutionary" I mean they're only about a decade behind my idea for a gotdam "Steals a Movie in Only Five Minutes" Hall of Fame.

JESUS, people - do you simply REFUSE to reach my level???!!!?

Jack Black is not only the singular mildly entertaining character in either movie (HIGH FIDELITY) but is also in the Xmastime Steals a Movie in Five Minutes Hall of Fame, which also includes the COACH from Teen Wolf (duh), Oliver Platt in A Time to Kill, Pig Vomit in PrIvate Parts and, the King of them All, Bob Uecker in Major League(cap doffed here.) - XMASTIME

AND DON'T FORGET SACK LODGE! And Bentley in Cocktail!

The Oscars

I thought Seth MacFarlane was pretty great on the Oscars last night. Funny when he wanted to be, smooth when the duties called for it, and a young man who relished the old-timey showtunes that people of my generation generally turn our noses up at.  And I see he's gotten roughed up online - basically, hosting the Oscars is a lose-lose thing unless you're Billy Crystal, for which you'll still lose anyways.

But I find this tale from Rush Limbaugh disappointing, IF it's true:

I sent him an attaboy note yesterday morning. I sent him a wish-you-well kind of note. He wrote back and said, "You know what? I kind of understand how you conservatives feel about the media now."

I don't know if he was desperate for some warm arms of comfort, or was drunk, or whatever....but other than "fuck you", his response should have been the exact same as Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen's upon hearing that Oliver North's secretary et al Fawn Hall wanted to meet him after a concert:

When Springsteen played near Washington, D.C., in 1988, Oliver North's secretary Fawn Hall sent a note backstage saying she'd like to meet him. Reports say his written reply read, "I don't like you. I don't like your boss. I don't like what you did. Thank you."

LOS JANKEES, TIME TO FUCKING PANIC OF COURSE

Hey, it's a long fucking season. Just yesterday, A-Rod was apologizing to his teammates for taking 'roids and was going into surgery. Next thing you know, he hits the first pitch he sees for a 3-run bomb in Baltimore and the 13-15 Yankees start to warm up.  Then the Yankees slump and play like crap until Girardi gets thrown out of the game in Atlanta, and next thing you know the Jeter Lifetime Award Season has begun, A-Rod is going for 7  rbis in a single inning for the season finale, and the Yankees are up 2-0 in the ALCS. Then Girardi spends 24 hours being the goat of the city and is about to be run outta town until CC Sabathia suddenly makes him a genius again. And now here we are. Let the shit unfold. At exactly NO point during the season if you had asked anyone "how'd you like to be one win away from the World Series?", from Game 1 to game 162,  would they not JUMP at the fucking chance. Camon. Nobody remembers it took the Yankees 6 games to win the ALCS in 1998 and 2000, they just remember they won the World Series. - XMASTIME

Because we're Yankees fans we're supposed to already be hurling ourselves off the planet and into the axis of panic on February 25, according to an article asking "Is this the worst Yankees Opening Day lineup in 20 years?", which is indeed terrifying to read until you actually, you know, look at the lineups, to say nothing of the fact that that the season doesn't begin and end on Opening Day (the 1998 Yankees started out 1-4 start and then, if memory serves, and I believe it does, they had a pretty good year.)

Remember, people: IT'S A LONG FUCKING SEASON!!

The CCC

While I've read a coupla books on the WPA, I'm embarrassed at how little I knew about the Civilian Conservation Corps; particularly when my love for Skyline Drive is included. Great short doc via American Experience on it.

A sample of what they accomplished:

Number of Trees Planted: Between 2 and 3 billion
State Parks Developed: 800
Public Campground Development: 52,000 acres
Miles of Roads Built: 125,000
Miles of Telephone Lines Strung: 89,000
Miles of Foot Trails Built: 13,100
Farmlands Benefited from Erosion Control Projects: 40 million acres
Stream and Lake Bank Protection: 154 million square yards
Range Re-vegetation: 814,000 acres
Fire fighting Days: More than 8 million

 Oh oh:

The end of the Civilian Conservation Corp in 1941 would not be the end of its benefits to the nation. The 3 million men who participated would be among the most ready to join in the 16.1 million strong American force that would fight the Axis powers. Already versed in teamwork and discipline and inured to the strain of hard work, CCC men found the transition to military life to be an easy one.

Of course we thanked them for their troubles by sending them off to WWII.

Happy Birfday

To George Harrison, the Tea Partier of The Beatles, who woulda been 70 today.

Besides having the best Beatles solo record with All Things Must Pass, which includes superslices What is Life?, Apple Scruffs,Waiting on You All and the title track, my top 5 George songs with the Beatles are:

Here Comes the Sun
Something
I Want to Tell You
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Piggies

The single most UPLIFTING moment in any Beatles song might have actually come from the Dark Horse himself, ie coming out of the middle 8 of Here Comes the Sun. Kills me every time. Beat that.

The Best of Frasier Crane

SATURDAY, APRIL 07, 2012

Undercover Boss

From the few episodes I've watched, Undercover Boss sticks pretty closely to a formula wieach th episode: out-of-touch corporate bigwig/owner anonymously slips into the lowest ranks of his own company to work amongst his minions, during which he discovers several of them busting their asses working, and taking an almost laughably absurd amount of pride in their minimum wage, no-hope-of-rising-high-in-the-ranks job. There's always some kid working 7 days a week putting himself through law school and medical school and clown college while raising his 17 siblings since their parents got eaten alive by wolves, some woman who has AIDS mixed with the Ebola virus, leukemia, and has lost three limbs but can't afford to go to the doctor, but still takes great pride in showing up every day to snake the toilet, and then the warehouse foreman who has 7 kids but can never go to their Little League games because he's so dedicated to the warehouse, which needs him all the time, and oh, whaddya know, they got no Little League because the town can't afford to keep the field.

Overwhelmed by the stories of his minions, at the end of the show the owner reveals who he is and, choking back tears, gives a scholarship to the kid going to school and declares the company will give a yearly scholarship in the kid's name, as well as introducing free daycare so the company can take care of the siblings while he goes to school. Now, really letting the waterworks flow, he gives a $400K check to the sick woman for her healthcare and demands she stay for treatment, that her job will be there when she gets back, and they're naming a wing of the local hospital after her. Finally, he's asked the foreman to meet him at the Little League ballfield; the foreman is baffled by this until he shows up and there's the greatest, flashiest Little League park in the world, and the owner falls to the ground heaving with sobs when the foreman's seven kids come running up in their PIZZA HUT uniforms hugging the foreman, who is then told he has the summer off, paid, to be with his kids. All of this because the owner is blown away by their pride and dedication to their jobs.

I'd like to do the show a different way. I'd like to drop in as the owner and be completely unimpressed by my workers - this one's a lazy ass, this one's an idiot, and this one needs to shut up about all her kids cause I don't wanna fucking hear about it. During the big finale I invite each one in so I can fire them in front of their families, and I won't be satisfied until I've made each each of them cry. My encore will be announcing that I'm replacing all my dumbass, worthless employees with monkeys and puppies, whom I unleash from a large crate to the sounds of Flashdance (What a Feeling), and over the end credits they spin around in circles and mayhem and flying feces.

Wreckless Eric du Jour

I've loved this song since it came out almost 20 years ago,, and always I thought the chorus was "I used to be in love, now I'm just attracted." Turns out it's "I used to be a nerd, now I'm just a turkey."

Fuck it, I like mine better  :)

But what a super-slice!

Also: the whole album is great.

 

Whites Only

THIS GUY HERE is showcasing 700 first-edition copies of The White Album:

“Each album has aged uniquely and become an artifact of the last half-century,” Chang explained. “Having an all-white cover, the wear of the albums is especially apparent. In addition to maturing from natural causes, people tend to personalize the albums with writings, drawings, and all kinds of things I could never imagine. The original pressings were also serialized, implying that they are part of a set of over 3 million that are out there somewhere.”

Seems normal.

I bought my copy on the Square in Oxford in 1995, so prolly not a first edition...what the fuck was the name of that record store? Sold enough Happy Scene records to buy the VU box set, h8rz!!!

Food Netjerk

1) I went to Yankee Stadium the other night with Rrthur (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur). Is there anything better than going to a baseball game? Nyet. The food, the open air, the bright colors of the field, everything's perfect. EXCEPT. What the fuck is up with the between-innings ROARING sound system - I wanna kick back, relax, talk to my buddy while the teams switch on the field and I'm barraged with this sound system that is apparently powered by jet engines. Are they scared that if there's not constant action on the field, I'll leave? christ. IT'S BASEBALL - nothing EVER happens on the field!!!!! And then during big moments I've got the scoreboard screaming at me to get up and MAKE SOME NOISE!! GET EXCITED!!!!!! Jesus. Dude, I'm fucking excited already; Im at the damn game! I know the bases are loaded and Jeter's up, I'm not fucking reading "The Bridges of Madison County" in the goddam stands. I know you're trying to distract me from the fact that I just paid $9 for a fucking hot dog, but enough. - XMASTIME

Like a lot of people, 15 years ago I fell in love  with the Food Network and their real brand of chefs: Emeril, who even as a bit of a cartoon was an amazing chef and the Babe Ruth of modern celebrity-chefing, Mario Batali, who looked like he smelled like anyone's favorite fat Italian chef, and Sara Moulton, whose live show never went a night without her burning something but was wonderfully "real." Real chefs making shit you probably couldn't, but entertaining while still remaining somewhat low-key. I really miss those fucking days; thank God The Cooking Channel basically just shows repeats of the old stuff from the Food Network. Meanwhile, The Food Network has gone the way of ballparks, once-pastoral bastions of calmness to absurdly loud flashes of distracting lights. Ugh.

HERE'S AN ARTICLE about the sad demise/MTV-ization of the Food Network, the selling out of Anthony Bourdain, and the rebirth of Emeril.

I stand by what I wrote years ago, they blew it when they decided we were more interested in titties than cooking, as if you couldn't randomly pick any channel and land on some tasty chest fat.

And let me take this mount to remember my first cooking show: Cookin' Cheap! 

Superslice du Jour

Right Here!

Over the last few weeks I've been thrilled to find out a buddy of mine at work grew up loving Bill Crystal's Mahvelous album like I did - in 8/9th grade I'd inhale lunch so I could go out in the hallway and recite the damn thing over and over.  Certainly my second-fave comedy album next to Cobsy's Himself (or the Chicken Heart.) Here's Crystals' Howard Cosell. Dying.

Comedy Bookz

Splitsider offers up The Ultimate Comedy Library.

I'm sure it' a great list, but to me the list is a single book: Without Feathers.

Well, and the collected plays of Neil Simon, in particular The Star-Spangled Girl, of course.

State du Moi

Portrait of the Artist as an Od Man Through the Years:

I'm also cold all the time, which is a new phenomenon. I used to be able to fall asleep in the street in a puddle of freezing water on a winter night, no problem. Wouldn’t even notice. Now I spend about 95% of my day whining “Is the heat on? Really? Are you guys cold? No? Really? And the heats on?” I used to walk around in the January wearing a t-shirt, MAYBE a thin jacket if it was a blizzard. Now I find myself doing the ol tshirt – shirt – sweater – thick heavy coat – thick knit cap routine. And I will bitch the whole time about how cold it is. I’m checking the weather, I’m looking outside, I’m sleeping under three comforters every night. What the fuck. It’s only a matter of time before I turn into everyone’s grandmother, meaning whoever comes to visit me eventually drifts off the sleep cause the thermostat is set to 190 degrees. - XMASTIME

And now I find myself getting up abut 44000 times a night to piss. Grrrr.

Wait, What?

Tiger Eyes is now a movie, leading you to surely wonder why just about every one of Judy Blume's novels haven't been made into movies.  - XMASTIME

That was a year ago; after 974 years and 31,003 young adult novels, the first film adaptation of a Judy Blume novel is finally being made.

I mean, wtf?

Mine Blume slices HERE.

HOW DID THESE PEOPLE NOT SELL ANY GODDAM RECORDS!?!?!??

Mukluks: Rrthur  (YES, ladies, THAT Rrthur!)

The Ramones filling up theaters in Minnesota in 1978:

Ferocious live footage of the Ramones at the State Theatre in Minneapolis from Wylde Rice, a super-hip Minnesota PBS show of the time. Backstage, the boys discuss the punk scene in England, dismiss the notion of punk “politics” and the reporting of violence at punk gigs as overblown.

Happy Birfday Sir Charles!!!

The world stopped spinning all last week to celebrate Michael Jordan's 50th birthday, but here at Xmastime we wanna take a moment to say Happy 50th Birfday to an Xmastime Hall of Famer, Charles Barkley!

"Colonel Sanders is the greatest white man that ever lived." 
click for more great Chuck quotes

Ah, Memory Road!

Nobody could even remotely pretend to give a shit   A lot of fans are wondeing how I let February 17 go by without my annual post about kissing my high school girlfifned, so enjoy. You're welcome, Earth.

REPRINTED FROM FEB 17, 2006 

February 17 is a funny day for me. First time I kissed my high school girlfriend was Feb 17, and the day I met my college girlfriend was Feb. 17. My first high school girlfriend kiss took place at a party after a basketball game – matter of fact the party was at Troy Allen’s, whose name later was legally changed to Troy “Circling Over Your Relationship Like a Buzzard, waiting for it to Die So I Can Swoop in and Fuck Your Girlfriend” Allen. You know those guys. 8 seconds after you break up he pops up outta nowhere and is all in her grill. Douchebag. ANYways, I mustered up the gumption to ask her outside, to sit in will Acree’s car to “talk.” So we get in the back seat and I…well, I start talking. And talking. And talking. I’m actually blathering on and on about the stupid game as she stares at me wondering if I dig dudes. Finally in the middle of one of my cleverly crafted anecdotes about the game I just lean in and POW! plant one on her. I lean back, thrilled outta my mind, awash in new teenage love and…well. Start talking again. Right in mid-sentence from where I had left off. Blah blah fucking blah “…and then Coach he leans over and says blah blah blah blah” Christ. Anyways I guess we made out some more, then went back in to the party. Me abuzz in my case of love, her…well, she probably had a buzz on. Also, Febuaury 17 here is ironic, since that's the day Michael Jordan was born. He of course played in Chicago, which is where the last girl I was in love with moved to. Ah yes. The sweet, horrible cycle of life.

Now This is Pretty Cool

Two of the Earth's moons in one shot:

Hartnett was in Houston, Texas—at NASA’s Johnson Space Center, appropriately enough—on Jan. 4, 2012 when she snapped this. It shows the Moon, just a few days past half full, with the International Space Station sailing past it to the upper left. The station is in low-Earth orbit, so it's much closer than the Moon; it's just a little perspective and orbital mechanics that made them look so close together.

Royal BS

OVER HERE Sully's all a-tizzy about some speech about how rough it must be to be a monarch.

… a recent Hilary Mantel speech that contemplated what monarchy and public institutions like it do to actual human beings. …And she points out something very obvious, though usually forgotten: the constant public viewing of a royal has to be a dehumanizing, even depleting, experience from the other side of the looking glass. It becomes both the most extreme form of celebrity, but still has to be scandal-free to survive. Those dead eyes in the new and genuinely awful portrait of Middleton (see above) are dead for a reason: self-protection.

Meh. I'm sure being royally has its own set of fucked-up shit. And in the spirt of "no matter how hot a chick is, some guy, somewhere, is sick of her shit", it's all a matter of perspective. But I'm pretty sure there's more than a few people who would trade their own problems for those of royalty.

AND, of course, it gives me an excuse to direct you to the single greatest day of blogging ever. You're welcome, Earth.

Pizza du Jour

This poll HERE asks if, among other styles, pizza cones are pizza.

Hmm. I say no...even tho I bullshitted "yes!" in this video for Fashion Herald.

Someone Has a Crush

Soundtrax

Apparently tv shows in the 90's had soundtracks...Friends wins since it has 2 Paul Westerberg songs to Melrose Place's one.  For some reason.

"What...the hell have I done..."

Abyssinia, DA

The high-on-grease-pencils-chained-to-the-radiator interns at guerreotype, however the fuck you spell it, are saying sayonora to Downton Abbey.

I'll always be addicted to it so I'll still watch, but I can't say I'm popping a hamstring to defend it anymore. It is what it is. Tho I wonder if hit fell victim to being "Americanized." Surely they figured they'd have a very British-y 12-episode run, max, but then all hell broke loose so of course shit goes off the rails.and gets too soap-opery.

Finally, The World Is Starting to Get Me.

Some guy from some band called High on Fire tells is like it is: Aerosmith fucking sucks. Some choice quotes:

"I don’t even care what people say about their old shit. I think they’re the crappiest, most overrated shit band of all time." 

"…all I could think about was their vast career of bad fucking choices. The simpletons of society have just eaten it up and made them as big as they are. They’re just encouraging them to make bad music over and over again." 

"That band hasn’t done anything since the ’70s. And in the ’70s, which was their most redeeming era, they still fucking sucked. Two good tracks that just won everybody over, and the rest of their career has been a hot, heaping pile of dog shit." 

"They’re a polished turd. You dress them up in clothes, but they’re still a piece of shit."

Of course, this whole thing is an exercise in picking out MY favorite quotes about Aerosmith over the years:

"Nobody hates Aerosmith more than me. They're one of the shitttiest bands ever, and no, I don't wanna hear it from you old-timers how "awesome!' they were back in the 70's." 

"It’s not enough that we can’t turn on the tv without hearing “CryingAmazingCrazy” or VH1 shutting down for a fucking week whenever these dipshits decide to unload another steaming pile of 'classics' on us, now we can’t even escape these fuckers in theme parks??? And why is Disney associating with Aerosmith anyways – isn’t this a band that lost about 12-15 years to massive drug use, the band whose lead singer didn’t claim his daughter until she turned into a hot chick? Why don’t they just go all the way and have a ride where at the end Ron Jeremy jizzes on your face? Fucking Disney. They're the fucking devil's oven mitt's." 

"Yesterday GodIHateYourBand was saying that the song Living on the Edge by Aerosmith was a great song. "You gotta really listen to it!" he screeched. This, of course, makes him a giant fucking fag - or, worse, an Aerosmith fan." 

"Joe Perry's favorite Beatles song: Tomorrow Never Knows. A stunningly innovative, culture-changing song of which my love for it now needs to be questioned since it's championed by this fucking jerk off." 

"The Foo Fighters have officially become this generation's Aerosmith, thanks to some..."rocking!" (cough) album they once put out that now allows them to put out decades and decades of absolute shit, and then us having to endure a full-on media blitz "omg!  new Foos album!!  Shut down television, it's all Foos!!!  Ooooh, Dave's rocking!  He's chewing gum and flopping his long hair all over the place!  This is incredible!""

"Interesting fact: Of all the people in human history who ever reached the age of 65, half are alive now.
Yes. They're called "Aerosmith" ZZZZZINGAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

"The other day I won $15 on a scratch ticket. Today I walked out of my loft and found a twenty-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Obviously now I am looking up at the sky for a grand piano laced with vegetables and Aerosmith albums to land on my head." 

"Christ. Wasting precious minutes talking about my mother with a stripper who critiques my speech. Great. And to add insult to blue balls, our "song" was a fucking Aerosmith song. There is no justice in this world. Sigh." 

"A few minutes ago I got another friend request. Aerosmith. As usual, I did not hesitate at all to click my answer.
DENY.
Worthless douchebags."

And then there's the unthinkable:

In his desperate bid to be the guy that drives the GOP party bus completely off a cliff, Eric Cantor has finally done something both impressive and previously unimaginable:
embarrassed Aerosmith.Wow. Would love to be in the meeting with these two jagoffs, right?
Joe Perry: Steve, it looks like this guy is using one of our songs.Steven Tyler: zippity-bop-ba-doawawaawa-bizzop!!! Yoooooow!Joe Perry: Should we let him?Steven Perry: zeeeeeowwwawawow! You know, I'm really a drummer! Pah-POW!!!Joe Perry: Are we getting paid for this?Steven Perry: Yowza-yowza-zappo, Ja-ja-ja-ja-jaded!!!Joe Perry: (mumbles)Steven Perry: Zappity-zap-zap! You know, I'm really a drummer!!!!!Joe Perry: do you think I look like Meadow's fiance on The Sopranos?Steven Perry: wowza-poppin, slappity-doo!!!! Don't wanna close my eyes, cause I'd miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thingPA-DITTY-ZZZZIT, I'm really a drummer!!!

Xmastime Schadenfreude

The only thing that compares to getting ready to go on vacation is when some other poor chump is just coming back from vacation, isn't it?

Downton Abbey Finale

Fine, I'll be the first to say it: do we actually know that Matthew is in fact dead?

Shall I now consider your mind blown, little ones?

GOP Comes Out Against Fatherhood

If Obama owned a funeral home, Republicans would stop dying. - XMASTIME

The Office

On one hand you eye-roll "here's another recycled plot/character", but Bob Odenkirk's Michael Scott impression was off the charts.

Happy Friggin' Whatever Day

4) I really love it when I hear someone calls it “ValentiMe’s Day.” Cracks me up, like black folks down home saying that as kids they had “chicken pops.” I used to give physicals in the Air Guard and that was one of the questions I’d ask, and without fail I’d get “well, I had the chicken pops” and it never failed to crack me up. Awesome. “Chicken pops”, sounds like a cereal. And no, that doesn’t make me a racist since I also don’t give a fuck what happened to Nathalie Holloway.  - XMASTIME

(link also worth checking out for my "sex with Jerry Seinfeld" riff)

Valentine's Day Scoreboard (UPDATED)

What with my over the top, bordering on the dangerous luck with the ladies, Valentines Day has always been a big deal for me. Let's take a walk through the years and, starting with 8th grade, see how each Valentine's Day went for our guy Xmastime.

1986: nothing
1987: nothing
1988: nothing
1989: bought rose for girl I was into and later dated. of course by the time it got to her, it had died and shriveled up. Just like her promise later on to always love me. Hmm.
1990: I think I got a keychain shaped like a heart from her. Ring-a-ding fucking ding.
1991: nothing
1992: nothing
1993: nothing
1994: nothing
1995: broke up with my college girlfriend on actual V-Day. It’s called timing.
1996: nothing
1997: nothing
1998: nothing
1999: nothing
2000: nothing
2001: nothing
2002: nothing
2003: nothing
2004: nothing
2005: nothing
2006: nothing
2007: nothing
2008: nothing
2009: nothing
2010: nothing
2011: nothing
2012: nothing
2013: nothing as of 2:54pm

Downton Abbey...

....if it took place on Facebook. "Thomas has updated his resume on Monster.com." Dying!

Valentine's Day Memories: 2010

I can kinda take or leave chocolate, but I understand that Valentine's Day is all about the chocolate (tho it drives me fucking nuts.)  Either way, I can say without a doubt that my single favorite memory involving chocolate is THIS FROM April 2010   :)

BIG BEAR ALREADY UNDERSTANDS HOW THE WORLD WORKS

Xmastime: you want some more chocolate milk?
Big Bear: yeah, but I wanna make it all by myself.
Xmastime: oh, okay.
Big Bear: you can be my assistant.
Xmastime: okay, cool.
Big Bear: now Mr. Assistant, would you please, open the milk (waves hand dramatically as if he were a magician)
Xmastime: Sure.
Big Bear: ....and, now would you please, pour the milk into the cup (waves hand dramatically as if he were a magician)
Xmastime: Yup.
Big Bear: Okay, and now Assistant would you please, take the top off of this (waves hand dramatically as if he were a magician, pushes can of Ovaltine to me)
Xmastime: Okay.
Big Bear: ...aaaaaaaaaaaand dump some of it in the milk (waves hand dramatically as if he were a magician)
Xmastime: You know, it seems like I'm the one doing all the work.
Big Bear: Well, that's because you're my assistant.
Xmastime: Ah. Gotcha.
Big Bear: And you'll tell my mom and dad I did it all myself, right?
Xmastime: Yes sir.

Valentine's Day Memories: 2006

I did not wake up alone on this Valentine’s Day. My eyes opened to find your ebony skin pressed against me, your head laying on my chest rising and falling with my calm breathing. I smiled as I remembered our cavorting from the night before – your loud, ceaseless panting as I dominated you. You were so eager to please me, so anxious to submit and serve. I can still feel your wet tongue as it covered every inch of my body. I can’t wait to be with you in bed again tonight. But right now, you just took a huge dump on the sidewalk and I gotta pick it up. I love you!!!


 

This is MY Big Day!

Nobody could even remotely pretend to give a shit  Someone asked for my classic, amazing, shoulda-won-a-BLOGGY* Award Peanuts Valentine's Day post from  christ, who can even remember?  a few years ago, so here it is. Enjoy! :) Oh, and ladies...it's 8:34am, Valentine's Day...I'm waiting for your call...do not be scared...


 *Mamalizza copyright 2008

Superslice

The GOP SOTU Response Dream Team Through the Years

Jindal, Rubio, Bachmann and Paul, oh my!

I mean, for fuck's sake...can Obama do it next year?

State of the Union Live-Blog

9:08pm - he's late. Of course.
9:09pm - they cant get the "Llllllllllllllets get ready to rumble!!!!!" guy to introduce?
9:12pm - Eric Cantor looks like every college basketball player from the 1930s
9:14pm - Biden just got busted showing Boehner 2 Girls, 1 Cup on his iPhone.
9:16pm - the Speaker's over-sized mallet never gets old...but just once, can't he smash a watermelon with it? (note - yes, being a Gallagher fan makes me worse than being a racist)
9:19pm - wouldn't it be more American if the Harbaugh brothers were sitting behind him?
9:20pm - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz this is a snoozefest already. Is Joe Wilson in the house?
9:22pm - are Biden/Boehner wearing purple and pink ties? Is this sponsored by the fucking Teletubbies? I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK!!!!!!
9:26pm - when is Beyonce coming out?
9:28pm - i like him trying to suppress a laugh while saying "manufactured crisis."
9:30pm - Republicans stay seated and moping after the "we don't need a bigger government, we need a smarter one" line. They're determined to be the guy that stays at home while his friends go off to college.
9:36pm - 25 minutes in, no mention that sexy's back. Wtf?
9:42pm - talking about poor kids now. Hey dummy: POOR KIDS CANT VOTE!!!!!
9:45pm - he just used "education" and "Georgia" in the same sentence. I'm officially viewing this as his open mic night at The Chuckle Hut. (Chuckle Hut copyright Rrthur, YES ladies, that Rrthur...)
9:46pm - I finally found out what the green ribbon on Biden's lapel is for.
9:50pm - that shot of two GOP Congressman scowling at the mention that women should earn the same money as men will be a meme within about 6 minutes, I promise.
9:54pm - "By next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over" - wtf? I've already printed 10,000 "AMERICA: 2015 MIDDLE EAST CHAMPS!" t-shirts.  grrr.
10:02pm - "America must be a Beacon" ... true story, hand to god: first restaurant I ate at after moving to Oxford was named The Beacon. I know, right? Freaking out, little one - IS YOUR MIND FUCKING BLOWN?!?!!??!?
10:09pm - New Town, CT? What happened?
10:12pm - Must say, that was the most exciting moment in recent SOTU history. Shame it took slaughtering a bunch of kids to make it happen, but hey. Guns rule, gun victims drool - amirite? I mean, amirite? Amirite? Yes, you need to be saying this in the Ned Ryerson voice from Groundhog Day and if you're not, you hate America, freedom, Jesus, and Jesus' scrappy, loveable sidekick, Baby Jesus.
10:16pm - that's it?

Hold Up.

What's next, Taco Bell: tittays, tittays, or tittays? Nom nom fuckity nom!!

State of the Union Wishlist

If Obama  asks Lena Dunham to keep her clothes on during GIRLS, I will stand up and applaud.

Ted's Only Crime is His Music is an Embarrassment

Much is being made of Ted Nugent, he who soeth decreeth that all Americans should be armed to the gills with flamethrowers and, of yeah, made a crack about killing Obama or some shit, will be in attendance at the State of the Union tonight. I'm just saying, if Obama has any sense of humor at all he'll come walking into the hall with Wang Dang Sweet Poontang blasting.

Xmastime State of the Union Classixxx, III

Tonight we get The State of the Union, and while Republicans want you to believe we pussy liberal pinko commies will all be spellbound by Obama's performance like he's preaching in a tent, hypnotizing us with his voodoo and his huge African cock, he's actually a fairly dull speaker when it comes to delivering a speech itself (be cool if he had the balls to pull a TJ.)  This will  of course make Charles "Dumb" Krauthammer's inevitable "there was plenty of style, but no substance" comment to Sean Hannity four seconds after the speech has ended that much more ironcially stupid and, of course, stupid.

Mostly, watching an Obama speech makes me pine for the one thing great about Bush: him speaking. Sigh.

Watching Obama right now reminds me what the best thing about George W. Bush as president was: putting him in front of a live camera. Right? He was like whenever Eric Dickerson got the ball handed to him, there's no WAY you're tearing your eyes from the screen, cause you know at any second he's gonna go all the way - mangle words in ways you didn't think possible, then light off a string of "what the fuck is he saying?" sentences before trying to make a joke that feels like someone cut one in church. Seriously, if Bush had become the first president to drop the n-word on live tv during a presser, can you honestly say you'd be S H O C K E D? He made blithering oblivion fun to watch. And it was FUN. Oh, everything he said was absolute bullshit, but you also know that if you took 60 seconds to walk to the fridge, there was at least a small chance that you'd find him onscreen doing shadow puppets, having said "aw, fuck it" with a broken bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 over his own head.

Sigh. We miss ya, Dubyanuts.

26 Ways Obama Has Ruined the Country

via.

18. By giving you all the bad letters in Scrabble.

VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING...

Dating advice from...the Bronx Zoo Cobra!!

THE COURTSHIP:Now that you have established compatibility, spend some time together. In the snake kingdom, the female snake plays hard to get for a while. I highly recommend this. You don't want to wind up with someone just interested in getting some tail. And we're mostly tail. Nobody wants the snake who gives her venom for free. So, take your time and get to know each other. It's not mating day; it's mating season.

FUCKING DYING :)

Xmastime State of the Union Classixxx, II

My Shit I Want Obama To Bring Up in Tomorrow Night's SOTU Classic Series:

"Why the fuck does Xmastime's high school girlfriend still have his letter jacket?" 

"Seriously, can we knock it off with all this faggot-ass sexy vampires shit already?" 

"Get Jim out of this 'dual manager' crap and get him back playing pranks on Dwight. And seriously, how many fucking times can we do the ol' "oh no, we're downsizing/the branch is closing!' routine? What's next; the Professor having a plan to get off the island that is scuttled by Gilligan being a clumsy idiot?" 

"And Mr. Springsteen: at each show, you can either do Mary's Place OR Waiting on a Sunny Day, but not both. For fuck's sake, people have jobs to get to in the morning, wrap the shit up already. Actually, they probably don't, so they for damn sure don't need TWO 'isn't life a big ol' party???!!!' songs in the show. Play Darkness tracks, remind them how bad shit can really be, and leave the "party!" cuts to Jimmy fucking Buffet for chrissake."

Xmastime State of the Union Classixxx, I

What I Liked Most About the State of the Union

If I glance at the acronym SOTU quickly enough, it looks like STFU.

Lena Dunham on Girls

The problem is she seems to not understand that there's such a thing as recordable devices out there. Once she does the "non-hot women can be comfortable and proud of their bodies too!" a coupla times, it's on the record. Forever. So you don't need to do it every single time you're onscreen. We get it. She's become 2008 John McCain, for fuckssake.

Also, she seems to be spending a lot of time answering to her critics from last year. I still like the show, but it's become the tv equivalent of the angry reactionary "ill pretend Im not angry you're just so jelly" Tweet.

Please Please Me

Mark Lewisohn, writing in The Complete Beatles Chronicle, said: "There can scarcely have been 585 more productive minutes in the history of recorded music."

Fifty years later, they're trying to recreate those magical 585 minutes:

On Monday 11th February 1963 the Beatles’ debut album was recorded in just one day. On the 50th anniversary of that 12-hour session at Abbey Road, leading artists attempt the same feat, in the same timescale, in the same studio. Acclaimed guitarist Graham Coxon, Glenn Tilbrook and Chris Difford from Squeeze and Manchester’s I Am Kloot join soul sensation Joss Stone, The Stereophonics, Gabrielle Aplin and Mick Hucknall for the event. The results are broadcast live in exact recording order and timing, as Abbey Road links up with Western House throughout the day on Radio 2, on Monday 11th February 2013. The event will then be broadcast on BBC Four at the end of that week in an hour long special.

Keep track in real time HERE.

Good luck to the fucker who's signed up for Twist and Shout:

The final track of the day Twist And Shout, held back to the end because of fears that John Lennon's already ailing voice could be wrecked if it was played any earlier, was captured in one take. Once it was recorded, the singers voice was so wrecked it was decided the record must stand. ''Trying for a second take, Lennon found he had nothing left and the session stopped there and then - but the atmosphere was still crackling,'' wrote Ian MacDonald, the late chronicler of Beatles recordings. ''Nothing of that intensity had ever been recorded in a British pop studio.''

Follow Slate's other "Beatles 50 years ago today" bits HERE.

The Pope's a Quitter

Pope Benedict is resigning as Pope, presumably because he's fucking frightening looking, which means my streak of havin seen the Pope in person will stop at 1, with Pope John Paul George Ringo in 1979.

Curt Schilling Fucking Sucks

Uber-fucking dickhead Curt Schilling is worried nobody's paid attention to him for more than 30 seconds, so he he's jumping into the news by throwing the Red Sox under the fucking bus. Of course.

Previous Curt Schilling Fucking Sucks HERE.

Bruuuuuuuuce, It's Been Awhile

Bruce "The Boss' Springsteen in an interview HERE is asked the question he's been answering for years now, the ol' how do you continue to be a cowering class hero when you're a rich motherucker, shouldn't you be writing songs about your yachts (a la Brothatime a few years back):

People always ask that question like there's some trick to it [laughs]. Really, that was something that came very natural to me from the beginning. I could look back and see that there were a lot of my heroes who came before me that got distracted or lost in the confusing life that came with their success. So, I had a deep sense of where my power source was coming from, you know. It came from memory and experience, rooted in geography, locality, a sense of place, a certain people. These are the things that are at the heart of the engine on a nightly basis. Maintaining a connection to those things, to me, was always a survival instinct. It was necessary. The things that pulled you away from that, I viewed with some suspicion. I've certainly enjoyed the life and privilege that I've had because of my success. But there's been a fundamental focus on those things that we carried over the years with the E Street Band. I'm lucky I've had the band I've had, one that was surrounded by those things and believed in those things as well.

Of course he answered the question much more succinctly and better years and years before:

You ride in a limousine the first time, it’s a big thrill but after that it’s just a stupid car.

"GET the fuckouddahere with that shit already!"

So, This Exists

Sesame Street does Downton Abbey...upside down.

TV Bosom Buddies

Sometimes I'm embarrased that I'm a faithful viewer of GIRLS, which is curious since I'm very open about pretty much having the worst tv-watching resumé of all time, so I don't know where this sudden pride comes from (side note: "Sudden Pride" = me & Op's 14th side band project). I usually explain why I'm watching a show about 25 year-old girls with it taking place in my old neighborhood. So I take some assuagement in another fan of the show being a 65 year-old black guy best known for being moody and dragging&nbsp Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes every night.

Ashley Judd for Senate

Ashley Judd is considering a Senate run against Mitch Turkeyneck McConnell, which means we al hafta brace ourselves for the "elitist, Hollywood liberal" screeches of outrage from the  Wrong  Right. But the fact is, she covers her "real folks!" bases pretty well by rather famously being a fanatic about UK basketball, she was married to a racecar driver so no one can touch her NASCAR bona fides, and she has a degree from Harvard in...public policy.

The only thing she really has to fear about her Hollywood experience is that other than staring as "hot chick who sweats more than Norm from Cheers that time he took his coat off and showed his pits" in A Time to Kill, she's had a rather incredible run of shitty movies. She's not some Hollywood elitist, she's just terrible at picking movies to be in (although she has some way to go to catch the king, Chris Rock.)

Happy 201st Birfday

Charles Dickens!

XMASTIME on July 22, 2010:

TCM'S LINEUP TODAY
A Christmas Carol
Great Expectations
Nicholas Nickleby
Oliver Twist
A Tale of Two Cities

I'm scrambling over to CNN - did Dickens die today?

Meanwhile, here we are on Dicken's 200th birthday, and TCM is showing nary a Dicken's flick today.  Wtf?

Does Dickens still matter HERE.

I'm calling bullshit on myself for only having read Great Expectations and A Tale of Two Cities so far.  More importantly...was Dickens the 6th Beatle?

Groundhog Day

Here's Jonathon Ross with the sisters from Downton Abbey. Must say - my pity crush on Edith is in danger of being upgraded to an actual crush. Hmm.  Of course I'd run over her with a fucking tank to get my snout all up in Lady Sybil's rim.

Mostly, Xmastime so sayeth and so decree-eth: Jonathon Ross has to do a show with Mad Dog:

1:27 Dog just tried to say "Colorado." After three fly-bys, finally just plowed thru it "Carararro." Sounds like a Chinese guy ordering Sammy Hagar’s tequila. Ugly. 

3:01 I get a kick outta the fact that at every break Dog has to say “Sports Radio 66.” And you know Mike makes him be the one to say it, just to be a dick. When I first started listening, I was amazed that someone with Doggie’s speech um, “patterns” could get a job on radio. I decided that this guy must be amazing, must REALLY know what he’s doing to get a gig on radio. It’s like going to the track and betting on the three-legged dog: why else would he be running? 

4:18 Just occurred to me - I hope they brought this guy in just to make Dawg hafta say Colorado again. Poor bastard, he can’t even fall back on “Rockies” and sound like an adult.

My Next Downton-esque Addiction

Mr. Selfridge, which appears to be Downton Abbey with Jeremy Piven in it.

Set in 1909 London during a time period where women are enjoying an ever increasing amount of freedom,^[1] it tells the story of Harry Gordon Selfridge, the founder of Selfridgesdepartment store.

On Writing

Some of you may know that I am finishing up my first book, a romance novel set in present-day Brooklyn.  Thought I'd focus-group an excerpt with you guys:

Their lips slowly pulled apart as they regained their breath, her eyes finally opening as she came to.
"I...I've never felt like this before - I want to love you forever," she said.
He slowly nodded, looking into her eyes and sliding a hand through her long hair before finally answering.
"I can't wait to hit it, I bet your snapper is tight as fucking shit."

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.