Besides waking up next to strange chicks, the coolest thing about blacking out drunk is waking up to discover that the night before you had not only "recorded" a "cover" of a song you're currently in love with, but had been thoughtful enough to email the mp3 to the band, thus ensuring complete strangers hear it and think "wow, this dude's a fucking freak." Yes!
Like any normal person, when I heard this earlier today I was horrified and immediately went to throw it away so that nobody ever, ever hears it, including myself.
But then I stumbled upon this little gem, which I guess I recorded at the same time. Just like OK Go song I don't remember recording it, but, just to kick things up a notch, I don't even remember writing it either. Actually, judging from my performance I in fact HAVEN'T "written" it yet. And, apparently, I wanna have sex with teenagers. Great. I am for some reason reminded of Peter Buck's liner notes from Dead Letter Office, in which for some song he writes "Sometimes you write a song without even trying to. Sometimes those songs are the very best ones. That's not quite the case with this one."
So with my night being upgraded from "fail" to "oh my fucking god fail", I feel it is staying within the spirit of Xmastime to offer them to you, reminding you that if nothing else, remember, please, that no matter how bad shit gets in your life on any given day, it could be worse: you could be me.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Slip of the Facebook Tongue?
At her Facebook thingee, Sniffy compares something that happened to her that nobody really gives two shits about with a historic event that caused the president to reign, a seismic shift in Congress, campaign financing reform, amending of the Freedom of information Act, an investigation into the president's legal powers, the enactment of the National Emergencies Act, and a suffix that decades later is still synonymous with the public's general distrust of governmental powers. Of course. Six in one hand, half dozen in the other, hopefully one of them titties in another.
As Watergate taught us, we rightfully reject illegally breaking into candidates’ private communications for political intrigue in an attempt to derail an election.Hmm. Did she say "candidate"?
What's the...
...German word for knocking about 6 people over while scrambling on the subway platform to get directly behind a smoking hot chick so that you can be right behind her as she goes up the stairs and really get your snout up in there to enjoy the view, only to be cut off about 2 steps from the stairs by some little fucking vest-wearing shithead?
Grrr.
Sigh. There are way too many beautiful women in this city.
Grrr.
Sigh. There are way too many beautiful women in this city.
Mines
Apparently the higher-ups at the mining accident in West Virginia are offering the families of the deceased $3M each. Even though this is their opening offer, I'd snatch that money up toute suite in exchange for keeping my mouth shut. I mean, Massey's mines only had 515 safety citations in 2009, and the mine that killed 2 miners in Kentucky yesterday had 40 orders to close in 2009, so I don't really see how a case could possibly be built against the mines. I don't really know where you'd start - "sometimes the bosses yelled at us?" The lawyer would hafta be Stormy Weathers plus Atticus Finch pulling a rabbit outta your hat, shouting "look! It's Batman!" and pointing wildly out the window to win a case like that. Take the money and STFU!!!!
"Take the miners case? Are you fucking crazy?"
"Take the miners case? Are you fucking crazy?"
It's On!!!!!!!
ps - as you might remember, Theodore HATES this chick.
Chicks
Finally allowed to serve on subs. I guess they've been clamoring to be trapped in phallic tubes with horny young men away from their wives?
But wait - women have been serving on subs with Frasier Crane since 1996, dumbass!!!
side note: lookit them titties
But wait - women have been serving on subs with Frasier Crane since 1996, dumbass!!!
side note: lookit them titties
Men and Women Have Somewhat Different Ideas of What's "Sexy" and What's "Slutty."
Also, apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt is a fucking idiot.
Bruffast
They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and that a healthy one can help with a diet. I never eat breakfast, so by lunchtime I'm ready to eat a bear that's been deep-fried and rolled in a tub of Country Crock. But there's no excuse for me to not have a big breakfast every morning. I only go to an office two days a week. Even when I do, I don't leave my house before 10. So it's not like I'm grabbing a cup of joe while running out the door to get to the office by 7am and "crack that dang Pinsky case!!"
Impressed.
Having once met a certain working-man's troubador hero from New Jersey, who shall remain nameless because I'm just not into name-dropping and shit, it's very hard to impress me with any celebrity meetings you might have had. I really don't give a shit, and it's certainly not a reason I'd wanna hang out with you.
But.
When Xmastime buddy Serge gets a tweet from Bill Cosby, I think to myself "you know, I should spend more time with Serge."
But.
When Xmastime buddy Serge gets a tweet from Bill Cosby, I think to myself "you know, I should spend more time with Serge."
Immigration
The thing about immigration reform is I don't understand how it's somehow become the #1 priority for our federal government to be working on. You hear people screaming that before we deal with financial reform or global warming, we need to "put up a wall!!!" Authorities have been dealing with people trying to come in here illegally for a long time. Some of it's good, some of it's bad. Feel free to tinker and make changes with any of the border policing ideas. But some sort of hysterical governmental over-reach can only be a waste of time and money. But then, I thought the same thing about how to deal with terrorism, and of course that's worked out incredibly amazing for us, so I guess I'm an idiot. Cough.
It's strange that John Q. Public is so outraged about "fixing" immigration when in fact, we're basically told exactly two things about the people who come in illegally:
1) they're doing the jobs nobody else wants to do
2) if they vanished tomorrow it would cripple the economy
Hmm. Yes, obviously we need to eschew all other legislation and figure out a way to launch these people into outer space.
Of course someone could list reasons why it needs to be overhauled, but camon.
Of course, it might help if Bill O'Reilly could go more than 10 minutes without suggesting that the reason people are at the borders crouched in a sprinters position is to grab the first car they see, pound a gallon of tequila and then plow over all your kids.
It's strange that John Q. Public is so outraged about "fixing" immigration when in fact, we're basically told exactly two things about the people who come in illegally:
1) they're doing the jobs nobody else wants to do
2) if they vanished tomorrow it would cripple the economy
Hmm. Yes, obviously we need to eschew all other legislation and figure out a way to launch these people into outer space.
Of course someone could list reasons why it needs to be overhauled, but camon.
Of course, it might help if Bill O'Reilly could go more than 10 minutes without suggesting that the reason people are at the borders crouched in a sprinters position is to grab the first car they see, pound a gallon of tequila and then plow over all your kids.
Evolution.
Looks like Halliburton might be responsible for the oil fuck-up.
As a young buck I would've said "oh no, the poor ducks!" As a young man I would've ranted about the evils of oil and it's evil, globe-killing corporations. Now I see this and all I can think is "I wish I had bought Halliburton stock 2 weeks ago. Somehow, some way, Halliburton's gonna make a ton of dough outta this."
As a young buck I would've said "oh no, the poor ducks!" As a young man I would've ranted about the evils of oil and it's evil, globe-killing corporations. Now I see this and all I can think is "I wish I had bought Halliburton stock 2 weeks ago. Somehow, some way, Halliburton's gonna make a ton of dough outta this."
State of My Balls
My balls are fucking reeking. It's like there's a dumpster down there, funking up the whole office. And yeah, of course all the women are salivating over it, I'm sure all the fellas are like "dude. Please."
ARARA
I bitched and moaned that the stimulus needed to be a lot bigger, not smaller. And since I went to the Harvard on the Appomattox, anyone who went to Harvard would probably agree with me.
The point here is that contrary to the impression fostered by the right of a grasping federal government crushing everything, all increases in federal spending have been doing lately is partially offsetting recession-induced declines in state and local government spending. Those declines are very economically damaging. If you ignore the large element of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act that was dedicated to cutting taxes, the largest spending element was aid to state and local governments to prevent tax hikes and these kind of spending cuts. In an ideal world, Congress would have appropriated even more funds for these purposes than was in the initial problem. Instead, the Senators from Maine teamed up with some moderate Democrats to scale it back. It’s been a huge mistake and we’re likely to continue paying the price for it in terms of sub-trend output for years to come.Look, it's not complicated: if you wanna rub one out to the newly single Halle Berry, go to smackthemtitties.com; if you want expert critiquing on macroeconomics, you come to Xmastime. Period.
Going Gaga
AZ
As easy as it is for someone like me to laugh about Arizona being a state full of racists, the bottom line is that maybe not-so-smart people, including this jackass governor, didn't think things through enough. Yes, it's fun to get white people riled up in the hopes they run to the polls for you, but if anyone had thought for about 5 seconds they would have come to "well, best-case scenario is it gets overturned and forgotten about immediately; worst-case scenario our state loses billions of dollars and look like complete racists, passing Texas and Florida in the State Douchebag Olympics. Hmm." To really decide that something like this would come off well is pretty astounding.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Decisions.
But the one thing I've gotten right is to put a poster of Big Bear on my door. No matter how fucking angry I get about everything - oh I hate this, I hate that, I hate you, why does the world suck etc etc - what separates me from the world is this ridiculous poster of Big Bear as Dragon Boy. It is LITERALLY impossible to open the door without seeing it and cracking up. Hell, I'll be honest, sometimes I give his fist a pound. By the time I'm on the other side of the door I've forgotten why I was so angry or depressed, and am just laughing, thinking about Big Bear and cracking up.
Hey, one good decision in 37 years. That's normal, right?
But on a more serious note, seriously...don't fuck with The Skunk Bandits. Period. Just don't.
"How do you ask a man to be the last man to die in Vietnam?"
Obviously I'm chomping at the bit to make a "who was the last to die in the Cola wars?" or a KISS Army joke, but I know that 30 years from now we'll see the same article about Iraq/Afghanistan (maybe THEN finally on our personal jetpacks/hovercrafts?)
Mostly I'm grateful to not personally know anyone who has been killed there. And that instead of being there myself, I get to sit at a computer and make pithy comments about the whole thing being stupid. Some aren't that lucky. Which, as Jefferson is want to say, completely sucks.
AZ Again
Yesterday I wondered how Arizona would be affected by sports leagues HERE.
And already we're seeing a push to move the 2011 All-Star Game out of Arizona.
Of course, it'd be better if MLB had any Latin players in the league. I mean, once the NHL starts dropping the hammer on this one, peeps will start paying attention.
And already we're seeing a push to move the 2011 All-Star Game out of Arizona.
Arizona's passage of a controversial anti-immigration law could cost the state Major League Baseball's All-Star Game, potentially depriving an already battered economy of millions of dollars.
A New York congressman who called for the league to move the 2011 game from Phoenix is the latest person to push for an economic boycott against the state in protest of the new law. Companies have been pulling conferences out of Arizona resorts while others have suggested consumers shun companies, such as US Airways, that are based in the state and have yet to condemn the the law.
Of course, it'd be better if MLB had any Latin players in the league. I mean, once the NHL starts dropping the hammer on this one, peeps will start paying attention.
WSJ on the NYY is Total BS
The Wall Street Journal has a list of the 10 greatest Yankees.
The Wall Street Journal developed a comprehensive set of criteria to determine which 10 Yankee position players were the greatest of all-time. The categories included postseason batting, fielding range, on-base plus slugging percentage and wins above replacement player. We also included the player's impact on team attendance and his effect on the value of the franchise. To give a more rounded portrait, we scored each candidate by their relevance in popular culture, upstandingness and earning power in the collectibles market.The Mick only number 6? Fuck. YEEEEEEW!!!!
Despite his many accomplishments, Mantle also benefitted from dumb luck. The kid from Oklahoma joined the Yankees in 1951, the same year major-league games were first broadcast in color and nationally. The telegenic Mantle became the face of a loaded team that reached 12 World Series in 14 years. His smile came to symbolize "post-war American optimism," said Jane Leavy, author of a coming biography. At the start of his career, Topps launched the first modern-day trading cards, and Mantle's 1952 card came to embody the hobby. By the early 1980s, when the sports collectibles market began to soar, the boys who grew up idolizing Mantle were running corporations and spending huge sums on anything associated with the Mick.
O's/Yankees
Nice to see the Orioles pitcher from yesterday come out and say he didnt mean to drill Posada, and was sorry it happened. It drives me crazy when pitchers unintentionally hit somebody but still stand there looking like an asshole, which only stokes a fire that doesn't exist. I know there's a code of toughness that players follow, but 90% of hit batters are unintentional. You're throwing a ball from 60 feet away at 90 mph and demanding that it move in several different directions by the time it hits the plate - the odds of it hitting someone who's standing there should be such that it's okay for the pitcher to wave at the batter "sorry, that was an accident."
I Love Ken Singleton
Last night they showed a clip from the Oakland game, and it happened to be Dallas Breeden, the pitcher who bitched at A-Rod last week for walking across the mound, and he was getting lit up in the clip they were showing.
Michael Kay: boy, I hope nobody crosses his mound.
Singleton: looks like he needs to worry about people crossing home plate.
And just now Kay was joking that he'd go online to get ordained as a minister.
Singleton: you can do that?
Kaye: sure you can.
Singleton: what's that, The Church of "What's Happening?!"?
dying!!! :)
Plans I Make
I want a girlfriend. Not for the companionship, or sex or whatever, but so that we can have a huge argument and when she tries to walk away from me I can yell "GIT that fine ass back here, goddammit!!!"
Idea.
I think I've mentioned it before, but I think that if we REALLY want to break terrorists down and get them to tell us everything they know, make them sit across the table from an old woman eating a fried egg. Ugh.
Get Out and Vote, Alaskans!!!
Sniffy Wiffy wants you to vote for Tom Emmer because he is a patriot, fiscally conservative, and apparently can put his children into a car, drive them to hockey practice, drop them off at hockey practice, pick them up when hockey practice is over, and drive them home without them getting eaten by bears. Sounds like the man for the job, for sure.
Hey, he also played for the University of Alaska-Fairbanks Nanooks. Sounds like one of those fake Seinfeld Broadway shows, no? "No No, Nanooks!"
Hey, he also played for the University of Alaska-Fairbanks Nanooks. Sounds like one of those fake Seinfeld Broadway shows, no? "No No, Nanooks!"
Xmastime Movie Review
Revolutionary Road is packed with great acting. Also, Leo banging some ugly office trash while he's got Kate Winslet at home is the biggest "are you shitting me?" case of adultery since Michael Douglas banged the poodle woman while he had Anne Archer at home ironing his boxers. The reverse of course would be the neighbor stepping out on his fugly wife to hit some skins with Winslet. Also, I spent half the movie thinking the crazy dude and the neighbor were the same guy.
Also, someone has to explain to me why Dylan "oh, I've seen that guy" Baker isn't in Mad Men.
Also, someone has to explain to me why Dylan "oh, I've seen that guy" Baker isn't in Mad Men.
Beatle Flicks
Movie makers seem to be very interested in John Lennon's life BEFORE The Beatles, as it looks like there's another movie coming out about that period.
I wonder when the definitive 1963-1969 Beatles movie is gonna be made. I mean I know those years are incredibly well-documented already, but, as I mentioned HERE, there's so much there that you should be able to make an incredibly compelling 2 1/2 hour flick. It would have everything in it.
There is exciting news for American fans about "Nowhere Boy," the new movie about John's teenage years and the formation and early days of the Beatles.
Beatles News can now confirm, it is official, the film is to be released in the USA on Friday October 8th, to coincide with the big celebrations that weekend of the 70th anniversary of John's birth, October 9th.
I wonder when the definitive 1963-1969 Beatles movie is gonna be made. I mean I know those years are incredibly well-documented already, but, as I mentioned HERE, there's so much there that you should be able to make an incredibly compelling 2 1/2 hour flick. It would have everything in it.
Entrepreneur
I just discovered that Harvard has a Business Plan Contest, and since as you all know I went to the Harvard on the Appomattox I feel I should involve myself in the contest, so I came up with a 3-point business plan.
MY BUSINESS PLAN:
1) Write a bunch of posts on a daily basis about Sniffy-Wiffy, my big fat hog balls and my blocked extra point against Lancaster in 1988.
2) In return, you peolple send me money.
3) Did I mention my hog balls?
I'm gonna win!!!!!!!!
MY BUSINESS PLAN:
1) Write a bunch of posts on a daily basis about Sniffy-Wiffy, my big fat hog balls and my blocked extra point against Lancaster in 1988.
2) In return, you peolple send me money.
3) Did I mention my hog balls?
I'm gonna win!!!!!!!!
Hold the Fuck Up.
A while ago HERE I mentioned my demographic for female companionship changing from "cougar" to "young stank."
All throughout 2009 I yammered about how great France is, including HERE.
And as you know, The Short Bus has always called me "Rats."
And now, all of a sudden, there is a book out.
About a girl.
From France.
Named Rat.
?!!!!!!!!??
All throughout 2009 I yammered about how great France is, including HERE.
And as you know, The Short Bus has always called me "Rats."
And now, all of a sudden, there is a book out.
About a girl.
From France.
Named Rat.
?!!!!!!!!??
Revolution.
I am combining the Tea Party along with the axiom that like sausage, nobody likes to see how politics is made and founding a new political party: The Sausage Party. All dudes. By dudes, for dudes. Dudes.
We're here. We hate queers. Where's the beer?
We're here. We hate queers. Where's the beer?
Baseball
I'm the worst kind of Yankees fan in how Yankee-centric I am. I mean, I don't even know the other teams in the AL East that well. I got friends who are, say, Cubs fans, and they can talk about any player in the National League. Meanwhile it'll be September, we're playing against the Sox for the 17th time and I'm like "who's he?" Hell, I live in new York and the Mets just won 12 out of 13 games, and I didn't even notice. But seriously, fuck the Mets.
Also, MLB is still searching for solutions to a problem that doesn't exist by tinkering with the All-Star Game. Wow! Awesome! It's almost perfect guys, don't give up!! Well, except for the fact that nobody fucking gives two shits about it, and the idea that the winner determines the home field advantage in the World Series is beyond asinine. The only people who care about this game are Bud Selig and the company that prints up all the fucking ballots.
Quit trying to make the All-Star game "mean something," and just get fucking rid of it. Have three days of those sausage races, that would be less destructive to the game.
Also, MLB is still searching for solutions to a problem that doesn't exist by tinkering with the All-Star Game. Wow! Awesome! It's almost perfect guys, don't give up!! Well, except for the fact that nobody fucking gives two shits about it, and the idea that the winner determines the home field advantage in the World Series is beyond asinine. The only people who care about this game are Bud Selig and the company that prints up all the fucking ballots.
Quit trying to make the All-Star game "mean something," and just get fucking rid of it. Have three days of those sausage races, that would be less destructive to the game.
Pretty Persuasion
Yglesias mentions the left's baffling inability to persuade the public that their ideas are good ones. I was screaming at someone the other day that a perfect example is the current attempt at financial reform. I mean, if you're a politician and you can't convince someone that maybe it's a good idea to make it harder for the people that made you lose your house ruin your life again, then you're probably a terrible politician who is just wasting good ideas. The paradox of the left having good ideas and being unable to sell them and the right's ability to sell their own stunningly bad ideas is so tragic it's comical.
Years
I can't explain how, but for some reason in a lot of cases I can look at somebody and instantly know what year they were born in. I don't don't mean I study them and say "he's 42." I mean sometimes I can look at someone and instantly know they were born in, say, 1968. Some people just look like they were born in a certain year.
Hey, I'm a deep cat. Remember - life's a garden, dig it.
Hey, I'm a deep cat. Remember - life's a garden, dig it.
Miley Cyrus Gets It, Should Be President of Earth
via HERE:
The multi-talented star's transition from a teen idol looks inevitable and she even told Newsbeat she wouldn't rule out doing nude scenes if the role was right. "It depends what the film is," she said.
"If it's something that's classy - it just depends on the circumstances."
People Need to Calm the Fuck Down.
Buried deep within things like the Tea Party and the Arizona immigration bill that is now being considered for adoption by at least three other states is the feeling of sheer panic in a threatened, the shit's going down so we gotta circle the wagons and protect ourselves kind of way. It's my feeling that such a thing is fueled by the 24/7 barrage of media screaming at every moment that every little thing is about to tilt the planet off it's own axis along with people's incredibly self-centered belief that if there is going to be Armageddon, of course it will be during their own lifetime.
I read somewhere once, probably via Jim Davis, perhaps during one of Nermal's yearly visits, that civilization is 24 hours and three missed meals away from chaos.
The world's gonna be a here a looooooong time,. Inhabited by people living their lives. So calm the fuck down.
I read somewhere once, probably via Jim Davis, perhaps during one of Nermal's yearly visits, that civilization is 24 hours and three missed meals away from chaos.
The world's gonna be a here a looooooong time,. Inhabited by people living their lives. So calm the fuck down.
More Mental Floss
Here's 4 great American sitcoms that were originally British. To me, 3 are off the charts amazing, and one is Three's Company.
I also realize that as much as I love All in the Family, I've never watched a second of the original, Til Death Do Us Part. Watching the clip in the article it's easy to see that it's probably hysterical, but I'm not really gonna get a lot of the sensibilities or references of late 1960's/early 1970's England. Also, I find it theoretically impossible that a character exists that is funnier than Archie Bunker. Sorry, but it's just not gonna happen.
I also realize that as much as I love All in the Family, I've never watched a second of the original, Til Death Do Us Part. Watching the clip in the article it's easy to see that it's probably hysterical, but I'm not really gonna get a lot of the sensibilities or references of late 1960's/early 1970's England. Also, I find it theoretically impossible that a character exists that is funnier than Archie Bunker. Sorry, but it's just not gonna happen.
Encyclopedia Brown
When I was a young buck I read me the shit outta some Encyclopedia Brown. Here's some cool shizzle about the joint.
Also this flow chart is pretty funny.
Also this flow chart is pretty funny.
Hold Up. Hooooooold the Fuck Up.
The fast food chain's new offerings include a $2.99 ciabatta breakfast sandwich made with eggs, cheese, tomato, ham, bacon and a smoky tomato sauce. They will also begin selling their trademark burger, the Whopper, during morning hours.
Sniffin' Dez
The more I hear about the whole Dez Bryant being asked by the Dolphins if his mother was a prostitute thing, the more annoyed I get. If you're considering handing me tens of millions of dollars, you can ask me if my father wore panties and diddled my nuts as a boy.
And now I come to realize that Dez Bryant was so horrified and embarrassed by the question that he...say it with me...told the story to Yahoo! Sports so the entire planet would know. Of course. Which of course catapults him to what is now the greatest of American heights, that of Professional Victim. The only question left is which channel will win what I'm sure by now is a raging battle for the rights to film his inevitable reality show on tv.
And now I come to realize that Dez Bryant was so horrified and embarrassed by the question that he...say it with me...told the story to Yahoo! Sports so the entire planet would know. Of course. Which of course catapults him to what is now the greatest of American heights, that of Professional Victim. The only question left is which channel will win what I'm sure by now is a raging battle for the rights to film his inevitable reality show on tv.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Paper Scraps of Memories
I don't keep momentos or have a scrapbook, and I've never really gone to "concerts" or anything you get tickets to get into, but I just stumbled on a little batch of tickets in a pile in a desk drawer, so I thought I'd take a look at them, in the order they are stacked.
1. NY Yankees vs. Boston Red Sox, May 31, 1998 - it was like 200 degrees, and I had just moved into 100 Metro. One of the dudes I went with was so hung over complete strangers were offering water/aspirin. Got our asses beat like 13-3, I think it was Pettitte vs Pedro. Tho now that I think about it, I'm not even sure Pedro was in Boston yet.
2. Soul Asylum, at Tramps May 15, 1998 - their album had just come out and it was pretty awful even though I can remember desperately wanting it to be awesome. I also almost dropped in on the train tracks at Union Square on the way home. Show was great, since they're still the greatest live band in the world, but a few too many new cuts that kinda stunk. I remember Dave Pirner tripping on something and rolling onto the stage as they walked on, and then accidentally hitting Dan Murphy with something and Murphy looking hurt while calmly saying "hey man."
3. Red Sox/Mets at Fenway, June 6, 1998 - first Greyhound bus ride from NYC in my now prestigious bus-riding career. I remember there were about three other people on the bus, I was like "this is awesome!!" Definetely the last time that thought entered my head on the bus. We rolled up after the first inning, got a coupla tickets about 15 rows behind Mo Vaughn at first base for only $16 each. Don't remember much of the game itself, but I do remember heckling some Mets fans not even being the best team in their own city.
4. Bruce at the Meadowlands, July 18, 2003 - Raining so he kicked it off with Who'll Stop the Rain. Was an Xmastime-heavy set, with My Love Will Not Let You Down and Ties That Bind in the beginning, Bobby Jean and Land of Hope and Dreams near the end. Op and I would spend hours every day carefully calculating what that night's set would be, and I feel like I got one of the audibles right this night, tho I can't remember what. I don't have a ticket from the first time I saw Bruce, but that's cause when you're a personal guest of Mr. Springsteen and join him backstage, there is no need to buy a ticket, especially if you meet his mom and sister and uncle and wife as well. But you'll never find out about that anyways, so don't even bother asking, cause that ain't something I care to tell people about.
5. NY Yankees vs. SF Giants, June 8, 2002 - out in the bleachers, roasting. I remember being within yards of Mariano for a stretch. I don't know if Bonds hit one out that day, but Op and I saw him hit one out at Shea the year before.
6. Marah at the Stone Pony, Dec 12, 2001 - oh my. This one started with some chicks in a car, a bottle of bourbon, ended with me on a train back to NY thanks to the men in blue at Asbury Park, and in the middle had me trying to sneak in as a member of Steve Earles band after having been kicked out about 4 seconds into Marah's show. This should probably get it's own post.
7. Marah at the Khyber, November 11 2000 - if there ever was a "golden moment" of my being a fan of Marah, this weekend would be it. They were at the absolute peak of the Kids in Philly tour, and blew the fucking roof off the place three straight nights. During the day we'd walk around Philly, it was a PERFECT fall weekend. Rylo, me, the Gnat. I can't remember if Op came? Maybe? I bought the Beatles Anthology book and ate about 40 cheesesteaks at Pats (I'd eat one of those crappy Geno's ones while in line for Pats.) I remember Serge calling me up to sing Amazing Grace with them when the show ended, and while onstage Serge asked me if I was single, so I thought "I'm getting laid tonight!!" Next thing I knew I was still standing there as the janitor was sweeping up, house lights on full blast. A great weekend. Top 3 or so "rock times" of my life.
8. NY Yankees vs. Seattle Mariners, April 30, 1998 - the day I fell in love with the Yankees. I've blathered on and on about on Xmastime many times before. Also, the day I've met my roommate, which wouldn't normally be that important except for the fact that we've lasted longer than most marriages. And entire school careers. And all American wars combined.
9. Soul Asylum, Tramps September 11, 1999 - fucking AMAZING show. I guess they were still pushing that last record, but by this point they had stopped bothering to play it and it was a like a greatest hits night, and they fucking cranked. I remember meeting Pirner and being surprised how tall he was.
10. NY Yankees vs. Atlanta Braves July 16, 1999 - I think this was right around when John John disappeared, I seem to remember that being announced or something. Chipper hit one out. Went with the crew from West Group, a company I did not work at but was The Mayor of, as I'd breeze in every day at 4 and go around the office yammering to folks. Great facilities too. Don't recall much of the game.
11. Marah at the TLA March 24, 2000 - first ever Marah show, I'm sure I've blathered about it plenty already, including HERE.
12. Marah opening for Steve Earle at the Roxy July 19, 2000 - quick set, followed by Steve-O, most of which I vaguely ignored. I do remember meeting Dave after his set, and immediately launching into my Tim is a better album than Let it Be rant. I'm sure he was thrilled. Op mute beside me at parade rest, just like when we met Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen (don't even ask, beeyotch.)
1. NY Yankees vs. Boston Red Sox, May 31, 1998 - it was like 200 degrees, and I had just moved into 100 Metro. One of the dudes I went with was so hung over complete strangers were offering water/aspirin. Got our asses beat like 13-3, I think it was Pettitte vs Pedro. Tho now that I think about it, I'm not even sure Pedro was in Boston yet.
2. Soul Asylum, at Tramps May 15, 1998 - their album had just come out and it was pretty awful even though I can remember desperately wanting it to be awesome. I also almost dropped in on the train tracks at Union Square on the way home. Show was great, since they're still the greatest live band in the world, but a few too many new cuts that kinda stunk. I remember Dave Pirner tripping on something and rolling onto the stage as they walked on, and then accidentally hitting Dan Murphy with something and Murphy looking hurt while calmly saying "hey man."
3. Red Sox/Mets at Fenway, June 6, 1998 - first Greyhound bus ride from NYC in my now prestigious bus-riding career. I remember there were about three other people on the bus, I was like "this is awesome!!" Definetely the last time that thought entered my head on the bus. We rolled up after the first inning, got a coupla tickets about 15 rows behind Mo Vaughn at first base for only $16 each. Don't remember much of the game itself, but I do remember heckling some Mets fans not even being the best team in their own city.
4. Bruce at the Meadowlands, July 18, 2003 - Raining so he kicked it off with Who'll Stop the Rain. Was an Xmastime-heavy set, with My Love Will Not Let You Down and Ties That Bind in the beginning, Bobby Jean and Land of Hope and Dreams near the end. Op and I would spend hours every day carefully calculating what that night's set would be, and I feel like I got one of the audibles right this night, tho I can't remember what. I don't have a ticket from the first time I saw Bruce, but that's cause when you're a personal guest of Mr. Springsteen and join him backstage, there is no need to buy a ticket, especially if you meet his mom and sister and uncle and wife as well. But you'll never find out about that anyways, so don't even bother asking, cause that ain't something I care to tell people about.
5. NY Yankees vs. SF Giants, June 8, 2002 - out in the bleachers, roasting. I remember being within yards of Mariano for a stretch. I don't know if Bonds hit one out that day, but Op and I saw him hit one out at Shea the year before.
6. Marah at the Stone Pony, Dec 12, 2001 - oh my. This one started with some chicks in a car, a bottle of bourbon, ended with me on a train back to NY thanks to the men in blue at Asbury Park, and in the middle had me trying to sneak in as a member of Steve Earles band after having been kicked out about 4 seconds into Marah's show. This should probably get it's own post.
7. Marah at the Khyber, November 11 2000 - if there ever was a "golden moment" of my being a fan of Marah, this weekend would be it. They were at the absolute peak of the Kids in Philly tour, and blew the fucking roof off the place three straight nights. During the day we'd walk around Philly, it was a PERFECT fall weekend. Rylo, me, the Gnat. I can't remember if Op came? Maybe? I bought the Beatles Anthology book and ate about 40 cheesesteaks at Pats (I'd eat one of those crappy Geno's ones while in line for Pats.) I remember Serge calling me up to sing Amazing Grace with them when the show ended, and while onstage Serge asked me if I was single, so I thought "I'm getting laid tonight!!" Next thing I knew I was still standing there as the janitor was sweeping up, house lights on full blast. A great weekend. Top 3 or so "rock times" of my life.
8. NY Yankees vs. Seattle Mariners, April 30, 1998 - the day I fell in love with the Yankees. I've blathered on and on about on Xmastime many times before. Also, the day I've met my roommate, which wouldn't normally be that important except for the fact that we've lasted longer than most marriages. And entire school careers. And all American wars combined.
9. Soul Asylum, Tramps September 11, 1999 - fucking AMAZING show. I guess they were still pushing that last record, but by this point they had stopped bothering to play it and it was a like a greatest hits night, and they fucking cranked. I remember meeting Pirner and being surprised how tall he was.
10. NY Yankees vs. Atlanta Braves July 16, 1999 - I think this was right around when John John disappeared, I seem to remember that being announced or something. Chipper hit one out. Went with the crew from West Group, a company I did not work at but was The Mayor of, as I'd breeze in every day at 4 and go around the office yammering to folks. Great facilities too. Don't recall much of the game.
11. Marah at the TLA March 24, 2000 - first ever Marah show, I'm sure I've blathered about it plenty already, including HERE.
12. Marah opening for Steve Earle at the Roxy July 19, 2000 - quick set, followed by Steve-O, most of which I vaguely ignored. I do remember meeting Dave after his set, and immediately launching into my Tim is a better album than Let it Be rant. I'm sure he was thrilled. Op mute beside me at parade rest, just like when we met Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen (don't even ask, beeyotch.)
Xmastime Movie Review
Way To Go, You Little Fat Shits
A report released by a group called Mission: Readiness says that 75 percent of all Americans ages 18 to 24 cannot join the military because they are overweight or have other disqualifying issues, such as a criminal record or inadequate education.For fuck's sake. Have the decency to serve, THEN get fat as shit like the rest of us, asshole.
Under the Radar
But now I see that she is full-on campaigning for a slot on that most coveted of lists, Mrs. Xmastime, both by having the respect to wear what makes me super-horny and being savvy enough to have some huge fucking tits.
Mrs. Connelly, your application is officially under review.
And, if I might add: huzzah.
That's What He Said
Michael Scott leaving The Office after next season? :(
Note: it's always driven me crazy that whoever put this awesome video together cut the second clip so that we don't hear Michael announce that he's retiring "that's waht she said," which sets up the entire joke. Sure if you've seen it on tv you know it, and you'll figure it out eventually, but that's poor judgement.
And Packer's "go ahead" nod is fucking genius.
Note: it's always driven me crazy that whoever put this awesome video together cut the second clip so that we don't hear Michael announce that he's retiring "that's waht she said," which sets up the entire joke. Sure if you've seen it on tv you know it, and you'll figure it out eventually, but that's poor judgement.
And Packer's "go ahead" nod is fucking genius.
The Slippery Slope
The term "slippery slope" has completely different uses for different political ideologies. For instance, when I see the newest immigration law in Arizona I think "gee, that might make for a slippery slope towards more civil rights being taken away without reason." My counterpart to the right is not concerned with such things; his own version of "slippery slope" is him thinking "gee, letting guys marry each other might make for a slippery slope towards my being forced to marry a duck."
Hey, six in one hand, half-dozen i the other, I suppose.
Hey, six in one hand, half-dozen i the other, I suppose.
Guaranteed Laugh
It always catches me off-guard and gets a chuckle from me whenever anyone derisively calls President Obama "Barry." I don't know why, just cracks me up.
Jinks
But in looking at the picture, I can't help but think "this looks familiar. where have I see this before?"
And then it hit me. Ha ha!!!!!!!
Priorites. They Can Be a Motherfucker, eh?
Not only will Arizona’s legislation cost the state in terms of litigation fees, if the law succeeds in reaching its goal of ridding the state of undocumented immigrants, it’s estimated that Arizona will lose $26.4 billion in economic activity, $11.7 billion in gross state product, and approximately 140,324 jobs.
Laura Bush
Writes in her inexplicably existing memoirs about the time some dumb motherfucker was asshole enough to be on the road the same time she was, probably a Muslim (or, as they're called in West Texas, a "Chicano.")
Side note - where else have I heard that, "Please, God. Please, God. Please, God,’ over and over and over again?
Heh heh heh. I'm naughty!
Side note to side note - you know I mean while fucking, right?
“In those awful seconds, the car door must have been flung open by the impact and my body rose in the air until gravity took over and I was pulled, hard and fast, back to earth,” she says. “The whole time,” she adds later, “I was praying that the person in the other car was alive. In my mind, I was calling ‘Please, God. Please, God. Please, God,’ over and over and over again.”That's SO like a Bush, isn't it? Even in their worst moments, all they can think about is other people's welfare. When people wonder "Why come America rocks so hard?", all you gotta do is point to this family and say "thank you."
Side note - where else have I heard that, "Please, God. Please, God. Please, God,’ over and over and over again?
Heh heh heh. I'm naughty!
Side note to side note - you know I mean while fucking, right?
McTitties Chimes in on the AZ "Isn't Being White AWESOME??!?!?!" Law:
Hate the game, not the playah.
Gee. If only she knew anyone of influence in Arizona. But I guess she doesn't. That makes Xmastime sad :(
Oh look, a barrel filled with cake. Nom nom nom!!!!!!!!!
Gee. If only she knew anyone of influence in Arizona. But I guess she doesn't. That makes Xmastime sad :(
Oh look, a barrel filled with cake. Nom nom nom!!!!!!!!!
Tell You What Though
Andrew: What do you need a fake I.D. for?
Brian: So I can vote.
If I was smart, I'm moving my fake id business to Arizona. ka-ching!
Thoughts.
I think I'd much rather my wife leave me for another woman than another man. If she says "well, his dick is bigger than yours," you'd be like "goddammit, get the fuck outta here, I don't wanna hear this shit!" But if she says "she's got the wettest, hottest pussy in the world" you're like "hey, sit down, relax, talk to me...slowly."
I've Struck Gold
Body dysmorphic disorder is a (psychological) Somatoform disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features.I've stumbled upon the Body Dysmorphic Disorder episode of True Life on MTV, and I gotta say, I think I've found a winner in the "Low Self-Esteem Mrs. Xmastime Olympics." I mean, these chicks are all smoking hot, but have the self esteem of my cripples and stutterers and would be just as grateful that I would even give them the time of day. And the best part is that BY DEFINITION they're hot - after all, if they're ugly and bitching about how ugly they are it's like yeah, well, you're ugly, what do you want me to say.
I feel like these girls have been sent to me from God. Where might I find one?
"You are an ugly bitch, but I still love you, baby."
BH Niner. Always Amazing.
Beverly Hills 90210 always astounds, as I reviewed with Drunken Dater a few weeks ago. Though I think it might have topped even itself with this line just now:
(Chinese waiter comes to table with Rush Sanders, Steve Sanders, and whats her face, Steve's wife.)
Rush: I'll have a water and chopsticks, please.
Gotdam. Dude must be the single greatest chopsticks user in the world.
Sigh. MEMORIES!
(Chinese waiter comes to table with Rush Sanders, Steve Sanders, and whats her face, Steve's wife.)
Rush: I'll have a water and chopsticks, please.
Gotdam. Dude must be the single greatest chopsticks user in the world.
Sigh. MEMORIES!
Dez Bryant
But it would never have occurred to me to ask such a question. Where did it even come from? I'm not saying where there's smoke there's fire. But I am saying that's some mighty strange smoke.
AZ
There are calls to boycott Arizona over it's newest desire to be more racist than any other state. From what I can tell Arizona's biggest export seems to be fucking assholes, so I will personally take a stand and not purchase any fucking assholes.
But just little ol' me doing such is just spitting in the wind. But what if the NFL did what it did about MLK Day, and says no more Super Bowls in AZ as long as this shit's still happening? What if all sports leagues did? And if you're not a lily-white Tim Tebow-ish dude, are you really gonna be popping a hammy to play sports at AU or ASU?
If Arizona wants to cleanse itself of brown people, it's probably off to a good start. And that way, this fucking asshole can do all the fruit-picking.
But just little ol' me doing such is just spitting in the wind. But what if the NFL did what it did about MLK Day, and says no more Super Bowls in AZ as long as this shit's still happening? What if all sports leagues did? And if you're not a lily-white Tim Tebow-ish dude, are you really gonna be popping a hammy to play sports at AU or ASU?
If Arizona wants to cleanse itself of brown people, it's probably off to a good start. And that way, this fucking asshole can do all the fruit-picking.
You Can Keep Trying
Keep shooting for freedom, brave patriots!!!!
Fucking Hell.
Blogger has somehow now made it possible for me to post any photo I have posted in the history of Xmastime, but not one I have just dragged to my desktop. My fucking head is about to explode into bits and pieces.
When Movie Lines Come to Real Life
I literally just asked a woman if the laws of physics cease to exist on her stove. I mean, 25 minutes for a shitty, tiny cheeseburger? Are you shitting me?
Some Dipshits
Some motherfuckers HERE think they can top the world's greatest science fair winner of all time. Keep trying, assholes!!
I reckon I topped out in the sciences the year before, when for my “science project” I flipped a coin 500 times to determine if the theory of probability was true. Answer? “YES.” I got a single piece of posterboard; on one side I wrote “HEADS: 249” and the other side was “TAILS: 251.” Hey, I didn’t wanna make it too obvious that I hadn’t bothered actually flipping the coin by putting 250 on each side, so I mixed it up a bit. Clever. I should’ve won an Oscar the next day when Mr. Young tried to insinuate that I hadn’t worked very hard on the project with the cleverly disguised critique of “It looks as if you did almost zero work on this.” To which of course I flipped out, indignation raging. “what?!?!? I flipped a coin 500 TIMES!!!!” I guess after that experience, I ...CONTINUE READING
Blech.
Ugh. I must still be drunk, I just heard Matthew Modine say something on my least favorite West Wing episode of all time and I was like "oh man, that's SO me!!!!!"
Sigh. I need a girlfriend.
"Oh, but Xmastime," you say in that Craig "Ironhead" Heyward voice from those soap commercials, "you just had one 15 years ago!!!!"
Sigh. I need a girlfriend.
"Oh, but Xmastime," you say in that Craig "Ironhead" Heyward voice from those soap commercials, "you just had one 15 years ago!!!!"
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Banjo
As most of you know, my total domination of the electric guitar is by now complete. There is nothing left to shred - no heads to cut, no faces to melt. I am bored by it as an instrument; unless I can now teach it to make me breakfast after I ride it as hard as I do, it's pretty much worthless to me me now.
So thanks to Favorite Playah (hiya FP!) I now have a banjo, and picked it up for the first time ever tonight to see how long it's gonna take for me to whip this into my bitch as well. Here's a recording of just now, the first time I've ever played a banjo - you be the judge.
So thanks to Favorite Playah (hiya FP!) I now have a banjo, and picked it up for the first time ever tonight to see how long it's gonna take for me to whip this into my bitch as well. Here's a recording of just now, the first time I've ever played a banjo - you be the judge.
I'm Confused.
Archie Comics introduces first gay character.
For the last 71 years Archie has had two ridiculously hot chicks throw themselves at him, but he's never been "able to decide." And...just NOW the strip is getting it's first gay character? Really?
For the last 71 years Archie has had two ridiculously hot chicks throw themselves at him, but he's never been "able to decide." And...just NOW the strip is getting it's first gay character? Really?
Commercials.
I like those commercials for the Army on tv where some mid-to-upper class kid comes to the dinner table and announces to his parents that instead of going to college, he's going into the Army to "do his duty," and of course the dad wells up with pride at his son becoming a man right in front of him. The reason I like them is, of course, not only are they incredibly faggy, but probably not very close to anything that ever really happens, at least not with members of the human race that live on Earth. I think in real life, it might go like this:
(Dinner table. Mom, Pop. In walks Junior.)
JUNIOR: Mom, Dad. I've made a decision. I'm not going to college. I'm joining the Army, to do my duty and protect America's freedom.
FATHER: Excuse me, but are you out of your fucking mind?
JUNIOR: Dad, I wanna do my part.
FATHER: You wanna "do your part"? Did you hear this Mother, your son wants to "do his part." (Mother pretends not to hear anything.) Listen, shitforbrains, I spend 20 fucking years working around the clock so you can go to fucking college, and now you're telling me you're gonna stand around in a desert hoping to get shot at? Are you fucking shitting me?
JUNIOR: you served, Dad. I just wanna be like you.
FATHER: yes, I served - I was a fucking idiot!!!! I couldn't haven't gotten into a college with a fucking key!!
JUNIOR: well, I-
FATHER : (to mother) Do you hear you son? Are you listening to this? (Mother pretends not to hear anything.) Listen to me, you little shit - you're going to college. I didn't work two jobs for years so that you could be a fucking idiot. For fuck's sake, I could've bought a goddam boat instead!!!!
JUNIOR: Dad, I just -
FATHER: Sit down, shut the fuck up and I don't wanna hear this bullshit again. A fucking boat!!!!! (son crying now.)
END SCENE
(Dinner table. Mom, Pop. In walks Junior.)
JUNIOR: Mom, Dad. I've made a decision. I'm not going to college. I'm joining the Army, to do my duty and protect America's freedom.
FATHER: Excuse me, but are you out of your fucking mind?
JUNIOR: Dad, I wanna do my part.
FATHER: You wanna "do your part"? Did you hear this Mother, your son wants to "do his part." (Mother pretends not to hear anything.) Listen, shitforbrains, I spend 20 fucking years working around the clock so you can go to fucking college, and now you're telling me you're gonna stand around in a desert hoping to get shot at? Are you fucking shitting me?
JUNIOR: you served, Dad. I just wanna be like you.
FATHER: yes, I served - I was a fucking idiot!!!! I couldn't haven't gotten into a college with a fucking key!!
JUNIOR: well, I-
FATHER : (to mother) Do you hear you son? Are you listening to this? (Mother pretends not to hear anything.) Listen to me, you little shit - you're going to college. I didn't work two jobs for years so that you could be a fucking idiot. For fuck's sake, I could've bought a goddam boat instead!!!!
JUNIOR: Dad, I just -
FATHER: Sit down, shut the fuck up and I don't wanna hear this bullshit again. A fucking boat!!!!! (son crying now.)
END SCENE
A Tea Party Dilemma
Oh what to do, what to do!??!!
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