Linus Van Pelt is One Lazy, Cynical Motherucker

Have I Actually Been Living Life Correctly This Whole Time? 🤔

The Only Sexy Thing Ever About Larry Bird

The first Sports Illustrated feature story on Larry Bird came out in February of his senior season at Indiana State, when they were 18-0 and about to take over the #1 spot in the country. So sayeth the article:

Though Boston failed to sign Bird last summer, his talks with the Celtics dragged on so long that NBC's schedule of national games-of-the-week was announced before anyone knew if he would return to school this year. Indiana State was not on NBC's list, because the network felt that the Sycamores with—or, especially, without—Bird did not have a big enough reputation or sufficiently enticing opponents to draw a big audience. The result is that, unless NBC suddenly revises its schedule, Indiana State will appear on nationwide television only if it makes the NCAA tournament semifinals next month. "Should we ever get on national TV," says Sycamore Coach Bill Hodges, "I imagine the first thing that would surprise a lot of people is that Larry Bird is a white guy."

Yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah we've heard it all before but more importantly? The person on the cover of the first SI issue with a feature story on Larry Bird was...

....Christie freaking Brinkley!!!

God Bless The Beatles

Years ago when I was arguing the usual Beatles vs. Stones nonsense with some friends I remarked that The Beatles were like not even real, that we should be grateful they even deigned to allow us to witness their greatness. And while I've never been a fan of Daniel Johnston - I think I watched some documentary about him, all about his severe bipolar disorder and weird childlike life - I stumbled onto this song and see he agrees with me. Congrats, Daniel Johnston! (RIP)

Like a magical fairy tale that's hard to believe
But it really did happen
Four lads who shook the world
God bless them for what they done.

New Word Announcement!

Some people are enablers; I wanna have a talent wherein any time I'm around someone they become completely undone & unable to complete even the simplest of tasks no matter how great their talents are. I will call myself: The Unabler!

Important Questions. I Have Them.

The word "stability" is about things staying relatively the same, staying on-course rather than going off the rails. So why is it pronounced "STUHbility" and not "STAYbility"? 🤔

Celebs & Me

I saw this online game going around so I thought I'd do it myself. I'll give you the answer tomrrow...enjoy!

LIST 10 FAMOUS PEOPLE YOU'VE EVER MET OR BEEN VERY CLOSE TO, BUT ONE IS A LIE. GUESS WHICH ONE YOU THINK IS A LIE.

Gordon Ramsay

Ralph Sampson

Stephen King

Bruce Springsteen

Joey Ramone

Posh Spice

Nick Hornby

Uma Thurman

Denny McLain 

Dave Pirner

Lamp & Moi

As you huge fans know, I've spent years bitching about the fact that Jeff Lamp is the least-represented All-American on the Internet, you practically need goddam Magnum P.I. to find any mention of him online. And knowing as I am about such things ("know thyself" - XMASTIME), I'm kinda shocked that I didn't make a bigger deal about this after meeting him:

Then I moved on to my whole thing about not being able to find him online and suddenly he says oh yeah, someone found and passed that along to him and he’d seen it.

JEFF. LAMP. HAS. SEEN. XMASTIME. YA’LL!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I kinda forgot about it? ME??!?! Wtf?

"That makes me sad bro let's go for some Arby's on me."

Lamp!

When I was a young buck I had a book about the history of UVa basketball, and there was an awesome photo from the end of this game of a scramble for the ball, and tucked in Lee Raker's shorts as he dove was the pair of scissors they would use seconds later to cut down the nets. I can't find that photo online, since legislation has of course been passed to keep Raker and Jeff Lamp off the internet, so. Sigh.- XMASTIME

Thanks to the miracle of Amazon I got the book a coupla years ago. Looking through it, I remembered every single photo. Except I had remembered the photo wrong - Raker had the scissors in his shorts as Lamp came off the floor, not during actual play. Oh well. Sue me! 

Now enjoy the world's most awkward man hug:

Yep, Today's Gonna Be a LOT About Jeff Lamp, People

My first hero and all-time favorite college basketball player Jeff Lamp played his final game at Virginia, a win against LSU in what would be the final consolation game ever played. (Oh yeah, and President Reagan was shot earlier in the day because of Jodie Foster.)

Pretty much forgotten on the internet, grrrrrr, here's an article about him being a forgotten living legend.  Incredibly, Lamp was just one of four teammates at Ballard High that year who would be selected in the NBA draft (only one of whom I've ever heard of, Lee Raker, plus back then the NBA draft had like 200 rounds. I think I got picked once.)

3/30/1981

You many, many, MANY fans know that over the years I've blathered on and on about Jeff Lamp being my first basketball hero, and today marks 40 years since he played his last college game for UVa. It was in what was to be the final consolation game in the NCAA tournament, making that team the last one to win their last game and NOT be champs.

My post about when I met him (no big whoop for me):

Jeff Lamp was my first hero as a kid, a smooth-shooting All-American forward who hit clutch shots like most people breathe air. I'd watch Virginia play on Raycom Sports and then sprint outside and pretend I was Jeff Lamp, falling out of bounds from the corner and hitting yet another big shot to send the Cavaliers to the Final Four. I probably dreamed of him and me and Lee Raker rooming together and going out for pizza after big games, which of course is to say that I absolutely dreamed of him and me and Lee Raker rooming together and going out for pizza after big games and generally shooting the shit about what great friends we all were.

As you most hardcore, dedicated to the point at which your family is beginning to worry about you fans of Xmastime know, I've spent the past few years wondering where in the hell on the Internet Jeff Lamp is. Yes, he graduated from college in 1981, way before the Internet (so was WWII but there's plenty of photos/info on that!) but for a guy who led UVa in scoring 4 times, was all-ACC 2 years and an All-American while playing alongside Ralph Sampson, I've always been surprised at how little stuff on him I could find online. It's not like he was a damn scrub, he was one of the ACC's all-time great players. Yet he's always remained a bit of an enigma, an enigma draining yet another 17-footer in his Adidas.

Incredibly, a coupla weeks ago longtime Xmastime buddy The Gnat let me know that the 1981 Final Four team was being honored as part of a scholarship program in Richmond. This was my all-time favorite college basketball team. It's hard to imagine now, but back in those days UVa was the biggest team in the country, veritable rock stars like teams like Duke et al would become later on. Well, in my eyes anyway. It was the prefect storm of their being a great team, me being a 9 year old boy living in the sticks with nothing else to do and the time being what many people still consider to be the ACC's Golden Age.

I was of course absolutely thrilled when I saw Jeff Lamp's name on the "expected to appear" list for the event. Now, as great of a college player as he was, and he had a cup of coffee in the NBA, it's not like anyone really knows where he is, or what he's doing. His is not exactly a universal name. It's not like he's popping up on ESPN every week - you have to be a pretty hardcore fan of that era to know who he is. As years (decades, ugh) have passed a sort of mythology has built up in my mind, my childhood idol worship of him intertwined with his lack of presence on the Internet. I mean hell, of course Ralph was a bigger, more famous player but if you REALLY wanted to meet him you probably could, at any of the events he participates in throughout the basketball season. Or just go to Harrisonburg and sit around for a while. Lamp, meanwhile, seemed like a character dreamed from a past life, fantastical unicorn out there never to be seen or heard from again.

I was thrilled, but also skeptical...what if I went to the event and he didn't show up? Don't get me wrong - it'd still be a thrill meeting the other guys: Sampson. Gates. Othell. Ricky. Jeff Jones. Terry Gates. But the dream meeting, my white whale so to speak, would be Jeff Lamp.

So the Gnat and I walk into the Virginia Historical Society lobby in Richmond, and there’s a spread of appetizers along with a small and surprisingly open bar, and before we could really adjust ourselves to the setting we practically bumped into "The Blitz Brothers," "The Smurfs", Othell Wilson and Ricky Stokes. We were like wow, Othell & Ricky! And they couldn’t have been more welcoming; it was as if they spent all their days greeting complete strangers to gawk at people who hadn’t touched a basketball court in decades. Boom – right away, it was arms around shoulders and pictures being taken and The Gnat & I talking about going to school in a neighboring country from the high school his brother Bobby had starred at before going on to be a part of the first (and only until 2 years ago) Virginia team to win the ACC Tournament. And of course as we’re talking to them you couldn’t help but notice a particular 7’4” guy lurking within a few feet of us, greeting and taking pictures with anyone who came up to him. We waited our time to see Ralph with Othell & Ricky, and Othell mentioned “yeah, plenty of the guys are here, there’s Jeff, and…” and I looked in the direction where he was waving a hand at and even with his back turned, I knew I was looking at the great Jeff Lamp.

HE HAD SHOWN UP!!!!  HE WAS THERE!!! I WAS GOING TO MEET HIM!!!!

Playing it super cool, natch, we got our turn to talk to Ralph, and he was cool too. I told him about my brother going to his basketball camp and how pleased he’d been with the experience re: how hands-on Ralph was throughout it, which Ralph seemed to appreciate. More so, he got a kick out of me telling him that my brother had attended the camp under false pretenses by claiming to be me, what with my not being allowed to go thanks to my shitty grades.

So then it was finally time. Jeff Lamp was kind of standing there by himself in a small sea of moving bodies, and I moved in (with the Gnat guiding my ass which was in a bit off a stupor – were it not for him I’m pretty sure I woulda just stood around commenting on the cheese plates all night.) Jeff Lamp happily shook my hand, and I told him how much he was my favorite player as a kid, he was my hero blah blah blah. He laughed and said something like “gee, don’t tell me you were like in third grade or something!” which I laughed off as in oh don’t be ridiculous of course I wasn’t that young when OMG IN 1980-81 I WAS EXACTLY IN 3RD GRADE!!!!! Then I moved on to my whole thing about not being able to find him online and suddenly he says oh yeah, someone found and passed that along to him and he’d seen it.

JEFF. LAMP. HAS. SEEN. XMASTIME. YA’LL!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Long story short, I did not hold back on the gushing. What the fuck, I know I’ll never see him again, and I wanted him to know how much he'd meant to me as a kid. He didn’t seem like the type who was really used to strangers coming up to him and telling him how awesome he is, but he was nothing but incredibly friendly and polite.

Meeting Jeff Lamp is something I’ll never, ever forget.

The rest of the night was great – there was a panel where the players told stories and answered questions, and then The Gnat and I met Terry Gates and Jeff Jones as well. The event was only half-filled so there was total access to the players, all of whom happily received anyone who wanted to talk to them.

Then somehow we all found ourselves next door at the bar, where I quickly decided not to stalk my hero. I played it cool, casually hanging out talking to Jeff Jones and Terry Gates while Jeff Lamp spent most of the time talking to the woman who’d coordinated the event. He was the first to leave, after about 20 minutes. He had to catch a flight back to LA in the morning. I didn’t try some last-ditch “let’s be BFF!!!” thing; I simply watched him walk out of the bar into the parking lot and then into the night, and I was fully satisfied with the friendly encounter we’d had earlier that would be burned in my mind forever.

Once my hero was gone I exhaled and just had a blast over the next couple of hours with Othell, Ricky, Ralph  & Terry Gates, who let me look at his 1980 NIT ring. I didn’t even ask to hold it, I simply asked if that’s what the ring was and before I even realized it he was giving it to me to hold and look at. Very cool.

Although I’ve blathered away for a few thousand words here, none of them could actually convey what it meant for me to meet Jeff Lamp. I don’t even feel silly at all for being a man in his 40s acting like a schoolgirl meeting Taylor Swift. After all, if you ever had a hero as a kid, a part of them never truly goes away. If you’re lucky.

These two teamed up to score 2,317 points in college!

What Was the Question?

So...He DOES Speak Portugese? 🤔

 

Fry Advice du Jour

As I so sayeth back in 2010:

You always wanna be the person who takes the bag from the driver and accepts the "chore" of passing everybody else their food. Why?

Cause then YOU get the fries at the bottom of the bag.

BOOM!

Joey Ramone

Joey Ramone died 20 years ago this coming April 15, so I'm no sure why the Howard Stern channel is replaying their announcing of his death today instead of just waiting two weeks...but this is an early reminder that a large chunk of mid-April will be spent by me blubbering on and on here about Joey.

Emily Lloyd

Obviously I've been a huge fan of the late, great Roger Lloyd-Pack since discovering Only Fools and Horses in 2015. Not only did he play the much-beloved Trigger in it, but he also starred as the (literally and figuratively) gross Owen in The Vicar of Dibley. And while I'm sure I knew from his Wikipage that he had a daughter who acted, I never realized until just now that she TURNED DOWN!! the lead in Pretty Woman! Sadly, she's had a career that's been derailed several times due to severe mental health/depression issues (she got fired from Mermaids from the role that eventually went to Winona "Sticky Fingers" Rider). She's been called the unluckiest actress in Hollywood history, and almost married the guy from Yellowstone who's John Huston's son.

One role I did see her in the million times I re-watched it was as Norman Maclean's love interest in A River Runs Through It, and of course there's no chance it occurred to me she might be from British acting royalty!

"If you're lying to me where Brad Pitt's trailer is I'll chop your balls off."

Back Then in the USSR

Apparently on this day in 1986 it became legal in the Soviet Union to buy a Beatles record. That factoid reminds me of the absolute bananas PBS doc I watched 12 years ago, How the Beatles Rocked the Kremlin. Learning the lengths people had to go to in order to listen to Beatles recordings as rightfully flabbergasted me:

9:14pm: the bit about bootlegs being made by recording Beatles songs off Radio Luxemburg and then cutting the recording onto a used x-ray, rolling it up a coat sleeve and selling it is pretty amazing. Brilliant.

I mean these days if it take more than zero seconds to have every single song by every single artist I want then I flip my goddam laptop over in a frenzy of anger.

Tripy Insta du Jour (thanks ok_spok!)

Perfect Storm

I love this video because it combines four of my favorite things: James Corden, Gordon Ramsay, food, and shitting on little kids. 

Old Work Notebook Note

Creative work is like trying to have a baby….you only need one sperm to get through to get pregnant...but In the meantime, you like fucking

🤔

Sounds AMAZing!!!!!

Strummer/Jones

John Lennon & Paul McCartney's talents famously complemented each other but theirs was vis-a-vis musical style and not necessarily a gap or disparity in talents; this bit about how Joe Strummer & Mick Jones complemented each other rings very true in terms of each being (somewhat) totally lost without the other:

Among the great songwriting teams of the second half of the 20th century, perhaps none suffered more self-evidently from their cleaving than the Clash’s Joe Strummer and Mick Jones. They were two powerhouse talents whose skill sets uncannily complimented one another. Strummer was an idea factory whose burning intellectual curiosity and far-flung travels as a diplomat’s son gave the Clash a panoramic sweep that set them apart from their more provincial peers in early British punk. The glam-loving Jones was a natural studio technician with a masterful ear for melody and arrangement, and a knack for streamlining Strummer’s peripatetic concerns into something palatable to a large audience.

Following the unfortunate dissolution of the Clash, Strummer’s erratic tendencies became further ingrained without the organizing principle of the band. He globe-hopped relentlessly, indulging both his curiosity and his appetites, a culture-shifting punk icon turned genuine nowhere man. Creatively, he remained as fertile as ever, but without Jones to challenge him, his sundry projects with backing bands the Mescaleros and Latino Rockabilly War varied wildly in quality. The groundbreaking dub and electronic interludes that populated later Clash records Sandinista! and Combat Rock frequently drifted into inchoate sketches, while Strummer’s well-honed ear for hooks clearly needed Jones’ singular ability to bring them to the fore.

"That the Dominos guy?"

"Nope."

"Goddammit."

Book Paragraph du Jour

You’ll get better, dear.
How will I get better?
It gets better. Everything gets better.
How?
You forget after a while. You start paying attention to your aches and pains. You think about hip replacement. You start thinking about death. You live more narrowly. You stop thinking about next month. You hope you don’t have to linger.

My Beloved Yankees are Coming Along Riiiiiiiight on Schedule

Reigning AL Home Run champion Luke Voit now needs knee surgery and will be out until at least May, which means that as soon as Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton go down with injuries we can finally start the regular season. Great!

Beverly Cleary

Beverly Clearly has died at age 104. TBH I’m not sure if I read her books, but when she wrote her first one it was so long ago that England had a king. Impressive. 

Welsh, Baseball, Etc

I love this scene from Staged GET YOUR ASSES OVER TO HULU RIGHT NOW AND WATCH STAGED YALL!!!!! but when two Welsh actors talk about playing catch with their dads as kids, what are they talking about? Surely they don't play baseball over there, right? So wtf? 🤔

White People

Last night illWill, Brothatime!! and I went down memory lane enjoying the classic Stuff White People Like, and we wondered what an updated COVID-era version would look like. Among other things it occurred to me that white people posting videos and social media posts pleading with people to support their local restaurants. They're well-intentioned and it's a good thing to do and I do it too but because they're white people you know that as they say it they're patting themselves on the back for being SOOOOOO wonderful!

And this morning its occurred to me that the original "I'm supporting my local establishment, aren't I SUCH a great person!" was Seinfeld himself, in the episode The Cafe. Of course his being so "supportive" led to a disastrous end of Baboo's restaurant, but still.

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Look guys the point is I'm electric toothbrush people now, so that's just something you're gonna hafta deal with for yourself.

Oh HELL No!

Yeah nice try Charles M. Schulz Museum but there’s only one Rerun we all give a damn about and he loves Rob’s burgers, failing gymf and dancing his heart out. #WhatsHappening!

I Don't like This Shit

Okay guys, I don't like this shit: they've ranked the Muppets but Fozzie Bear is only goddam #4:

If you’re lucky, you have a friend in your life like Fozzie Bear. Sure, it’s hard to watch him fail so spectacularly at the one thing he loves more than anything else on earth. But it’s worth it when you realize that his real talent is believing in his friends just as much as he believes in himself. No one does sentimentality better than the Foz, while keeping the self-pity to a minimum (cough, cough KERMIT cough, cough). And say what you will about his jokes, but no other Muppet can pull off scarves AND polka dots with this bear’s flair.

Fozzie Bear is a comedy genius who busted his furry ass while delightfully changing the game for all of us out here desperately trying to get a few laughs. So yeah, I don't like this shit.

Now THAT's Impressive

While in Guns & Roses (ugh I don't wanna talk about it thanks) Tommy Stinson lived in L.A. for 17 years without learning how to drive a car.

If You “Get” This Then We Can Be Friends!!

Oh FFS du Jour

Only a fucking psychopath like Linus could be unhappy when a dog comes up to him. Asshole.

Book Line du Jour

"...they heated up canned soup...and afterward set the dishes to soak"? What the fuck was in this soup?

Reminds me of when I was living in Oxford, Mississippi and borrowed my roommate's pot to boil water in to make spaghetti. Before I got a chance to throw in the pasta he came into the kitchen and bitched about my using his pot, to which I pointed out that not only did I do him a favor by cleaning the pot, I had actually sterilized it for him. Harrumpf!

More Hannah Montana Celebration!

Who amongst us can forget the time she pretended to be dude to meet the Jo Bros? Not me!

The Beeeeeeeest of Both Worlds!

One reason I love Hannah Montana so much is that rarely does an episode go by that a fart joke isn't made. After all, as Jackson says, "sometimes you gotta let the dogs out to run." - XMASTIME

Apparently yesterday was the 15th anniversary of the debut of The Hannah Montana Show and I'll repeat what I've said for years to many scoffs and snobby derision: it was a legit funny show, owing mostly to Billy Ray Cyrus who just killed every line he had (and good enough for Larry fucking David!) And the movie was funny (starring Mrs. Xmastime Jan Levison-Gould nom nom nom!!!)

Now This is Fantastic.

1,000 times better than Jim Carrey's Biden. https://t.co/AKq2RLsEzt

— Jen Chaney (@chaneyj) March 24, 2021

Is...

...is there something you think I already DO know about the man behind the shrimp cereal saga?

Hmm.

Shouldn't this be on the other hand? 🤔

Goals. I Have Them.

Need to find a way to weasel into conversation, "Oh, you have a plan do you?...am I jumping the gun, __________, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"

(Non) Anarchy in...Huddersfield?

I've loved the Sex Pistols for about 35 years and after a while there's not a lot left to discover - they only made one album and played a couple dozen shows before imploding - so you feel like you kinda know everything about them. So imagine my surprise when last night I stumbled upon this short doc about a matinee they played for kids of struggling firefighters who were on strike on Christmas Day 1977, which ended up being their final show in England before breaking up in America:

As well as documenting what would be the last home stand of one of Britain's most influential groups, Never Mind the Baubles captures a different side of the band. Here are Britain's most notorious punk band putting on daft hats and being kind to children.

As Temple remembers, they arrived in Huddersfield at the height of a moral panic and tabloid frenzy. "To most people they were monsters in the news. But seeing them playing to seven- and eight-year-olds is beautiful. They were a radical band, but there was a lot more heart to that group than people know."

100% of any other Pistols footage from the time and you see Johnny Rotten sullen and absolutely miserable, but at this show he was beaming. Serving cake to kids, letting them smear his head with it while singing; he was, as Steve Jones commented while watching the footage, a pig in shit. Even the faux-hard cartoon buffoon Sid Vicious couldn't help but smile. I AM NOT MADE OF STONE, PEOPLE! How the hell was this story so hidden??!?! Or was it just me?

Enjoy! And viva lá Pistols!

Yes I Still Do This.

 

The Office at 16

The Office debuted 16 years ago today. Obviously I've posted about a kazillion times about the show over the years so you can just do a search if you wanna go down a rabbit-hole of Xmastime Office delightfulness, but I will say that a year later I have no problem staying with these picks. You're welcome!

PS - Tho maybe I can see swapping out Secret Santa for The Injury, maybe....

Four Years Ago Today...

...I received the most overly-dramatic email ever from a food delivery service. Thank you, Shelbee - your story will never be forgotten.

Sorry, Bird!

I know this makes me a terrible person but this has become one of my favorite anniversaries; it's gotten to the point where if I see that "Randy Johnson" is trending on Twitter I can hardly contain my glee as I click on his name. Enjoy!

20 years ago today, Randy Johnson vaporized a bird. pic.twitter.com/bGLfde1ia4

— SB Nation (@SBNation) March 24, 2021

Awful Human Culture

I try to stay away from shit like this nowadays but this bit about how the NRA way of life is needlessly destroying lives is just too spot on:

The right-wing belief that "freedom" depends on others having to die for pointless reasons now manifests in all sorts of ways. It can be seen in the resistance to even the most reasonable efforts to fight climate change because heaven forbid you have to get a slightly different kind of light bulb so that your grandchildren can enjoy living on a planet that isn't beset by biblical levels of natural disasters. Or the temper tantrum over Obamacare, which was largely fueled by a willingness to let other people die rather than run even the smallest risk that your doctor's appointment might have to be scheduled a week later. And lately, it has manifested in the right-wing whining over wearing masks in grocery stores or being asked to vaccinate, because the idea that others must die to spare themselves the slightest inconvenience is a bedrock belief of modern conservatism.

The frustrating thing is that, as that 90% support for background checks shows, even most Republican voters aren't completely disdainful for the concepts of the common good or the notion that others have a right to live. Many of them wear masks without much complaint, recycle their trash, and stopped whining about seatbelt laws decades ago. But the Republican Party is controlled by its most extreme elements, in no small part because huge swaths of white America have decided that it's better to let utterly sociopathic politicians be their leaders than to even consider voting for a Democrat. So, whatever their personal preferences on gun control or public health might be, Republican voters end up participating in a system where human life is treated as less valuable than some yahoo's right to own as many boom boom machines as he feels is necessary to distract him from the lingering fear that he'll never be a real man.

Garfield du Jour

 

I am Shook, People

I've thought of little else after stumbling into this video of Drew Barrymore trying spaghetti with ranch dressing. I have no problem trying ranch on anything, but it's driving me crazy that 1) they glop on like the entire bottle and 2) after they pour the ranch on, they don't mix it evenly into the noodles or anything they just poke a fork in and start eating and I haven't been the same since seeing it. 😬

Stifle, Dingbat!

Xmastime superslice of superslices All in the Family premiered 50 years ago this year, so I guess a new article about how it changed television isn't totally random, and I don't really need an excuse to post about it anyways. Here's a little taste inside an unusually thorough write-up:

Throughout his childhood in Connecticut and Brooklyn, Lear’s parents immersed him in an environment of barely controlled chaos. The two of them, Lear would often say, “lived at the ends of their nerves and the tops of their lungs.” At the peak of argument, the veins in his neck bulging, Lear’s father would beat his fists against his chest and bellow at Lear’s mother, “Jeanette, stifle yourself.”

CBS’s ambivalence crystallized into a single choice: which episode to air first. Lear wanted to start with the third version of the pilot, which he had taped with the new cast. Viewed even decades later, the episode is explosive. Summoning painful memories, viscerally connected to his characters, Lear, then in his mid-40s, found in his script a passionate and urgent voice he had never before tapped. Within minutes, Archie is raging against “your spics and your spades”; complaining about “Hebes” and “Black beauties”; calling Edith a “silly dingbat” and telling her to “stifle” herself; and describing Mike as a “dumb Polack” and “the laziest white man I’ve ever seen”—the latter a reprise of an insult that Herman Lear used to direct at his son. Mike, just as heatedly, is blaming crime on poverty and insisting that he and Gloria see no evidence that God exists. In the opening scene, Archie and Edith arrive home early from church and catch Mike kissing Gloria amorously as he carries her toward the bedroom. Archie is scandalized: “11:10 on a Sunday morning,” he grumbles in his thick Queens patois.

This was all a bit much for CBS, especially the “Sunday morning” line—which clearly suggested that the young couple was on their way to have sex (during daylight, no less). The network insisted that Lear take it out; he refused. Wood offered a compromise: The line could stay in if Lear agreed to push the pilot episode back to the second week and run the projected second show first. Lear refused again. He believed the pilot episode presented “Archie in full,” with all his prejudices and animosities on open display. Airing it was like jumping into the deep end of a pool; CBS and Lear together would “get fully wet the first time out,” as Lear later described it. In what would become a common occurrence, Lear told Wood he would quit if CBS started with the second episode.

Here's the first episode. You're welcome, Earth!

Staged Season 2, Ya'll!

I've blathered several times already about the delightful Michael Sheen & David Tennant Covid sitcom Staged and assumed it'd be another few months before Season 2, so you can imagine my delight at being surprised by it popping up on Hulu last night.

One way to tell how good a show is to see how many guest stars want to appear on it, so let's see the difference here:

Impressive! It was amazing to see Sheen/Tennant onscreen with other British icons such as Pegg/Frost, and as an American who doesn't know anybody else who watches so much British comedy it was also wonderful to see American actors in the mix. Jim Parsons in particular was great but BEN. SCHWARTZ. AKA. JEAN. RALPHIO. SAPERSTEIN. FOR. THE. GODDAM. WIN!!!!!!!

And of course it was awesome to see Michael Palin, famous for being the nicest guy in England and who Sheen & Tennant obviously worship (naturally), shit on them to their great horror.

The entire season was just fantastic, and of course now I'm totally depressed because I burned though it one night and don't have it to look forward to. My one nit would be that for some reason they had a lot of scenes with Sheen & Tennant's significant others, along with Simon the director's sister. Not that they weren't fun or anything, but in the end you just want to see as much Sheen & Tennant as possible. Tennant's grouchy hangdog straight man was fantastic but Sheen's cartoonish version of himself should win every award out there, remarkably funny.

Can't wait for Season 3!!!!!!!!

(Sorry for the subtitles below, couldn't find a video without them. fucking maddening.)

I’ll be honest guys. This one hurts.

Questions. I Have Them.

Does anybody ever say picnic basket without doing it like Yogi Bear?

I Mean FFS Already

Fascinating how a year ago America decided to ask itself "yeah we've got a lot of assholes out there, but how do we kick things up a notch by creating a whole new kind of asshole?" 

The Irony is Thick with This One

The voice of Tar Heel basketball for 47 years was named “Durham”. 

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Someone saying, "Look, one death is too many" followed by urging us to open everything back up in the middle of a pandemic is the newest version of, "look, I'm not racist but..." followed by saying something racist.

Elgin Baylor

Elgin Baylor just died. A curiously overlooked player now, possibly because he was retired by the time the NBA really became the NBA, he is of course best-known for being asked by a certain favorite blogger of everybody's to solve the Drug War, which he (presumably) respectfully resigned.

Thanks anyway Elgin!

PS - "Mount Suckmore" got a legit LOL. GOD I used to be funny!!

Insta Mind Blown du Jour

#OTD2012

This was a great moment. And one more reason to miss living in Brooklyn. 🤣

This Is Rather Intoxicating

One thousand sheep and one dog pic.twitter.com/nFVC9BxrIG

— Joaquim Campa (@JoaquimCampa) March 21, 2021

OFAH du Jour

Someone created this video showing the layout of the Trotters' flat - sorry, apartment for you rubes Americans out there.

Thanks, Someone!

In America

This is batshit insane. And, not coincidentally, fueled by the very people who publicly squeeze out tears proclaiming their love for American "democracy". Nuts.

It's Called Respect, People!

I never heard of the actor Sam Lloyd (RIP) before hearing Christopher Lloyd on Maron this morning but, after bitching about Beatles tribute bands not bothering to get a left-handed bass player, I gotta say I really respect this:

He also played the bass guitar in a Beatles tribute group called the Butties; although right-handed, he learned to play bass left-handed like Beatles bassist Paul McCartney to maintain authenticity.

In America

One of the KardashianJennerWhatevers is getting shredded on social media:

Earlier this week, 23-year-old Jenner had taken to her Instagram Stories to ask her fans to donate to Rauda's GoFundMe page.

However, many on Twitter have pointed out that Jenner—as 2020's highest-paid celebrity with earnings of $590 million, according to Forbes magazine—could easily afford to cover the cost of Rauda's medical bills herself.


I'm not interested in dunking on Jenner here, but it's yet another instance that flies in the face of how Republicans continue to fool stupid people into fighting against taxes for things such as healthcare under the guise of "gee, we only need to get out of the way and let rich people unleash their spirited generosity!" Absurd and literally kills people every day. 

 

Okay I'll dunk a LITTLE bit here.

Kylie Jenner can literally buy the hospital where the surgery finna be at, why she askin for ppl stimmys... pic.twitter.com/kN7U9yNwTO

— Angie🌻 (@angieseyy) March 21, 2021

Here We Go Again

Once a year or so I go down a YouTube rabbithole of Steve Jones' radio show, Jonesy's Jukebox. Partly because him being Steve Jones means he can get amazing guests, and partly because he's just naturally funny, oftentimes cutting off people in mid-story with a random thought like "what kind of foods do you like", or "do you think the guy from Kid & Play still has that haircut?" Also it cracks me up that every time he pantomimes playing guitar while talking about a song he does it left-handed when in reality he's a right-handed guitar player. Whack! Oh and he was illiterate until his 40s.

And of course you can't help but think of the Sex Pistol's classic of classics, Never Mind the Bollocks. Set up to fail and imploding after delivering the album, they are the basis for a philosophical argument for artists along the lines of would you rather make one album that doesn't really sell (as of 2016, after 40 years the album had finally wheezed over the 1 million sold mark) yet totally changes not only music but culture itself and will be revisited and lauded by every generation until the Earth flies into the Sun, or record ten albums that are fine, nothing to be embarrassed of and sell millions but are pretty much forgotten immediately by the conscience of the masses?

I don't know what most answers would be; personally, I think you'd wanna do whatever you can to just ensure you get to keep making music for a living, whether or not anybody likes it. But Noel Gallagher, who sells about the same number of Oasis records in a day as the Pistols have since 1977, seems pretty clear what he'd prefer:

"I made 10 albums and in my mind they don't match up to that, and I'm an arrogant bastard. I'd give them all up to have written that, I truly would."

That's someone speaking while sitting on their already-made pot of gold so it may be easy to say, but I believe he thinks he really means it. And I think a lot of bands would trade their discography for the Pistols - CERTAINLY other bands with only one album to their name.

I will now personally rank the songs off the album:

Anarchy in the UK

EMI

Holidays in the Sun

Seventeen

Bodies

God Save the Queen

Pretty Vacant

No Feelings

Liar

Problems

New York  

Submission 

On a side note, while in San Antonio in 1992 I stumbled upon some bootleg "Sex Pistols" cassette without a lot of info on it; it was clearly just Steve Jones and Paul Cook from the Pistols but even years later with the internet nobody seems to really know who played on it and under what band name it was recorded. But I've always LOVED the song, Here We Go Again should've been a huge hit, and makes it clear Jones should've sung more. But we're talking about some 20 year-olds who while in the Pistols decided they should fire the guy writing all the songs and replace him with Sid Vicious, so they were obviously still just a total mess. Here's the song, enjoy! And you're welcome, Earth!

Ideas. I Have Them.

Sitcom about an aging rocker who just can't make his mind up about anything who is called "Iffy Pop".

Now accepting venture capital.

"THIS ONE'S CALLED RAW POWER....NO NO, LET'S DO NO FUN - NO YEAH, LET'S DO RAW POWER WAIT NO I MEAN NO FUN WILL SOMEONE ANSWER THAT GODDAM PHONE??!?!?!?"

Thoughts On The Real World Homecoming

🤔

OH FFS du Jour

Me, watching the latest episode of The Real World Homecoming:

Kevin: "Andre & I have had some beautiful connections"

Me: Wow that's great!

Kevin: "I mean, we really have a lot in common"

Me: Awesome!

Kevin: "His new music is really fantastic"

Me: aaaaaaaaaaaaand now you've ruined it

Lennon. Linus. Lost!

John Lennon once famously said (why do I feel the need to say "famously", wouldn't anyone assume that if I've heard it myself then it's a famous quote? Would anybody say "now wait a minute - is this something Lennon said privately to Xmastime?):

When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."

Meanwhile, I've noted several times in the last weeks that Linus is a goddam monster, but according to this strip he may have been attuned to the same sensibilities about life as John Lennon. Soooooooo....now I hafta rethink everything. Dammit. DAMMIT LINUS VAN PELT DAMMIT!!!!

UPDATE: turns out our best hopes of being reassured that Linus is the raging lunatic we know him to be from realizing that maybe Lennon never actually said the quote:

The first thing to raise the alarm for a Beatle fan when analysing the quote is the mention of Lennon’s mother. One of the most important facts about the life of John Lennon is the sad story of his parents. Lennon was born on 9 October 1940 to Freddie Lennon and Julia Stanley. Lennon senior was away at sea during World War II and went AWOL in February 1944.

By the time Freddie he returned to Liverpool in the summer, Julia had met another man. When John was five, Freddie attempted to take the boy to New Zealand, but in a tragic scene forced the child to choose between his father and his mother. John chose his mother - who then left him in the care of his Aunt Mimi. John then grew up in the home of Mimi and his Uncle George, but over the years, Julia came back into his life until she was killed in a road accident when the future Beatle was just 17.

This harrowing upbringing makes it quite unlikely that Lennon would fondly recall words his mother gave him aged five - when she was in the process of abandoning him.

Nice try Linus but you're not about to Jedi mindfuck me into believing you don't have a bunch of dead puppies piled up in a basement somewhere.

Something I Learned Today

Nobody got themselves better nicknames than the old blues players, but it turns out that Blind Lemon Jefferson was actually blind. Hey, who knew?

"I did."

Sunday Books

I just cracked this open and immediately read:

It is the true story of the year I spent reading some of the greatest and most famous books in the world, and two by Dan Brown.

As a wanna-be literary snob I'm thrilled to see somebody else shit on this Da Vinci Code dumbshit nonsense; partly because it's a dumbshit book and partly because I remember it at the time opening the door to the idea that the world was secretly run by a handful of evil super-geniuses, a notion which even someone as intellectually feeble as myself couldn't bring myself to entertain.

Unless he said this ironically, like a million years ago when I would begin mass emails with "Dear People Whom I Love (and Op!)"

Will keep you posted people of Earth!

OFAH du Jour

According to John Challis, aka Boycie, tells us that the BBC is turning its nose up at celebrating this September being the 40th year anniversary of the first episode of Only Fools and Horses:

Only Fools And Horses legend John Challis, who played car dealer Boycie, says the BBC has made no plans to mark the sitcom’s 40th anniversary later this year.

“I spoke to David just a couple of days ago, actually, on the phone. He had rung up about something.

“With the 40th anniversary of Only Fools And Horses coming up, there’s a lot going on and a lot of people throwing stuff our way, asking us to do stuff. So we’ve had discussions about what would be a good thing to do.”

I'm doubtful - #1 it's still only March, and #2 David Jason is 81 years old and let's not pretend we feel great about his chances of being around for the big 5-0 anniversary.

 

Meanwhile I'm still trying to get my American paws on the 2019 doc with no success yet grrrrrrr.

Questions. I Have Them.

How does the whole "telling everybody to fuck themselves and storming off!" thing work if you then hafta wait for an Uber? Do you just walk until you're far enough away & call for one, or do it where you are while making it super-awkward for everybody? 🤔🤷‍♂️

 

Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

Photoshop Phun!

Every coupla months this guy James Fridman pops up in my social media feeds and I always get a kick out of his work: people send him photos and request he tweak them, and he sends back a funny, absurd Photoshop job. 

Here's a good, fairly standard example of what he does:

 

But this one is by far my favorite, truly funny. Cap doffed!

I'll Be Honest with You People

 I had no idea "sublime" was a verb? 🤔🤷

Bafflingly Good BAFTA

This is from 2019, and is a hella good group. Each one of these shows is an A+. Hell, Fleabag is probably the most popular, but would be last on this list for me. Well done Europe tv people!

Scrabble!

 Apparently, you can play "TITS"

And in a year when Zoom has been so important to us all, this was in fact my greatest moment with it: