On a Roll

Was in line this afternoon and an old man in a wheelchair pulled up behind me. Was about to offer to let him ahead of me but thought "eff that, he's the one that gets to sit down." #Iamgoingtohell

RIP Yeah U No Me

The Rankin half of the incredible Rankin/Bass team that did all those holiday shows you loved in the early 70s has died, making him the latest member of the "oh my god that guy still alive?!!?!?" club.

"Hi kids! Ever seen a penis?"

The Mystery That Is Me

I eat Cheerios every day. But I don't take a bite until each Cheerio has been submerged in the milk.

Here Hear

CNN's British Invasion special right now played the clip of Marsha Albert, who introduced America to The Beatles.

Here's a picture of Marsha with Carroll James in 1984.

It Was 45 Years Ago Today

A lot of focus has been on the 50th anniversary of The Beatles coming to America (rightfully so), but don't forget that 45 years ago today they gave their last public performance, on the Apple Records rooftop.

Finally.

Football footage older than my own. Didn't think such a thing existed.

Makes No sense du Jour

Lance Berkman announced his retirement today and on a whim I discovered this fact: he had more (6 to 4) 100+ RBI seasons as Mickey Mantle.

We may all kill ourselves now.

Sure. Why Not.

Via.

The Beatles at 50 (Well, in America Anyhoo)

Anyone who's read extensively about the recordings of The Beatles know that their incredible success enabled them the hours and hours they took to get every song perfect, be it dozens and dozens of takes. Still, Penn Jillette's take on how it affected his life is refreshing:

When I first heard The Beatles, as a child, I thought they walked into the recording studio with a genius idea and they executed that idea perfectly.

Every note, every word, every la da da dadada was planned and just had to be laid down on wax. The recordings were perfect. The Beatles were geniuses and that's how geniuses created works of art.

Then I bought my first bootleg record.  As I turned up my mom's record player loud what I heard changed my life. I heard The Beatles making mistakes. I heard them fumbling around to find their genius.  It had versions of the songs that were different. It had The Beatles trying different tempos, different lyrics and different ideas. It had The Beatles fighting. I heard The Beatles failing. I heard The Beatles working.

I still believe The Beatles started with ideas. They had feelings in their hearts and thoughts in their minds they wanted to express. But learning that they didn't have perfect blueprints from their genius was a revelation. It inspired me to start to practice and rehearse the stupid ideas that I had.

My Genius Tweets from Last Night (You're welcome)

SOTU Response

This response to the SOTU is the most reasonable in years (granted, this is of course being the tallest of the midgets), but her having a kid with Downs Syndrome must have a certain governor from Alaska shaking in her boots, no?

SULLIED!

Yes, this DOES make me better than you!  ;)

Downton Abbey Episode 4

- Oh GOODY, we may get "Bates Goes to Jail Part II: The Quickening." YAY! 

When he threatened Mrs. Hughes that he’d walk out and leave Downton Abbey before Anna even got home, why didn’t she just say “Really? You’d up and leave Anna, never to see her again? Because you can’t wait a little while until she cracks and tells you? Fine, go eat a bag of dicks. What the fuck do I care, see ya – don’t let the door hit you in your old crippled bloated ass.”

Can’t Anna just say “It was so and so and if you do anything that will jeopardize this marriage then no, I will not spend the rest of my days trying to get you out of jail; I will divorce your crippled old bloated ass and fuck young Jimmy ‘til my uterus falls out from the pounding”? 

At first I thought the "a stranger came from outta nowhere”story was good until I realized wait a minute, they live in a tiny village. If Bates can think he'll find out who did it just by wandering about town for a bit, can't we assume he'd think that Anna would recognize whoever it was that assaulted herOH PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST MAKE THIS PLOT LINE GO AWAY ALREADY!!!

- Lord Grantham saying the dead tenant's forebears had been there "since the reign of George III" sounds impressive until you remember that George III died in 1820. Yes, 102 years is a long time but if you're gonna make some dramatic statement like there the shit better go back at least 500 years. It's like some shop bragging "Open since 2011" today.

- Can we get MORE "times are changing!" quotes? Wtf - these are the most self-aware people in the history of the world. It's like they're just standing around waiting for the personal computer to be invented. There's no more modern moment than the one you're in; people riding horses didn't think "gee I can't wait for the car to be invented", they sat around thinking "can you believe we have these big animals that carry us around anywhere we want?!?!!? We're never gonna top that!" It's just like we thought about TecmoBowl back in 1992: "Science has peaked."

- What's with the overconfidence from everybody in Alfred just popping into London and being whisked away to become the next Chef Boyardee?  What has he done to deserve this? "Well, he's tall and mopey and can carry a tray of food cooked by someone else to a table up a flight of stairs without puking in it...my god, that's the perfect recipe for being a hotshot chef in London!"

- I refuse to comment on the Edith situation. These writers just hate her. 

- For being such a stick in the mud, Mary always seems to know when to announce that the house needs cheering up - this time using her father's birthday as an excuse.  I'd love to see Julian Fellowes' copy/paste clipboard; this is definitely on it.

- I'm pissed about the Dowager/Isobel situation. So far this season, it seemed as if they'd decided to get along in their old age and grief. But from out of nowhere, in this episode the Dowager throws snark after snark at her. Wtf? 

- Why does the chef keep staring down Alfred as he asks questions to the class? Does he resent Alfred, having somehow heard of him as some hotshot cook who's never actually, you know, cooked? this is like in Footloose when Kevin Bacon hit...wherever that podunk town was. Lighten the fuck up, chef. I'd worry less about Alfred and more about your ears inventing transcontinental flight.

- I'm fine right now thinking Thomas' new buddy Baxter is using all the inside info she can get to simply be better at her job and not to become another O'BrienOMG OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER O'BRIEN BECAUSE THIS IS DOWNTON FUCKING ABBEY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

- Can anyone even think of her name without thinking of Will Ferrell's dog in Anchorman?

- I don't like Carson fucking with Molesly when he dickheadishly let him know the job was no longer available. Carson freaks out if an under-butler is forced to replace the corncobs in the shitter because a singer is in the house; he of all people should sympathize with Molesly's hesitation.

-  Can we drop the fucking Branson "I don't belong here" bullshit already? You've been there 10 years, at least five as the husband of the Earl's daughter and father of the family's first grandchild...but no, we hafta go through this every ten minutes:

"I don't belong here, I'm leaving!"
"Don't go."
"Okay."

I guess nothing really changes, like when he "ran off" with Sybil:

Branson and Sybil too.  "I'm leaving! You can't stop me! Unless you politely present a list of rational reasons for me to stay! Oh, you did! Well, those are fine reasons! Then I'm back! Until next time I run away and you once again politely present a very rational list of reasons for me to stay!"

- The Dowager suspecting that new gardener stole a letter opener is ridiculous - did you see that kid? Does this look like someone who can read at all, much less somebody thinking "I've been receiving so much written correspondence lately I really need to get my mitts on something, anything, that will crack these letters open faster"?

- And then there's Mary deciding it's a good thing that her dad floated the tenant the money to stay aboard even though his family hadn't paid rent in ages and, again, he needed a loan to pay the arrears. Yes, because of course any financial decision Lord Grantham makes is the right one except the fucking 20 times he's almost given away the entire estate because he's a fucking idiot. This is like asking "You know why I know Charlie Brown's gonna kick the football? Because Lucy's holding it."

- Can't Anna kill two birds with one stone and tell Bates that Thomas did it? 

State of the Fucking Union, People.

(reposted from HERE.)

Yglesias continues with what I said a coupla days ago: the SOTU speech is generally pretty useless.
 
Why even do it? How cool would it be for Obama to say "fuck it, ain't doing it this year"? Or, instead of a speech, merely recite a Bill Cosby routine? Or tell high school sports stories? I mean, camon. anything would be more entertaining and more meaningful. We're all gonna start watching, then try to stay awake, then begin to get irked he's cutting into whatever show we'd usually be watching. Then jerkoffs like Charles Krauthammer will smugly remark that what he's learned from the speech is that Obama "knows how to deliver a speech," and everyone else on FOX News will remind us that they're not too crazy about black people by coming up with a dozen different ways of saying his speech was all style, no substance. You know, cause Bush's speeches were always Newtonian in both their tone and preponderance of logistics. For fuck's sake - Obama should walk up to the mic, look around the room, and then finally say "As for the SATs, remember - it's almost never letter E. Good luck!" and walk out.

State of the Union: Get Pumped Up! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Here's my live-blogging of last year's snoozefest.

I do however like the acronym SOTU. Beause glancing at it makes it look like STFU.

"Hey! Shut the fuck up!"

State of the Union, II. The Response.

(reposted from HERE.)

The other day I wondered HERE how Bob McConnell will top Bobby Jindal in his State of the Union response, and today Matt Yglesias notes that he of course has to be a complete hypocrite, but that also that these responses are pretty worthless in the first place.

When did these things even start? Let the president have his night, and shut the fuck up - hey, maybe at the next wedding you go to you should take the altar after the ceremony and demand that the bride and groom don't belong together, or that YOU love YOUR spouse more and are a better couple? Who gives a shit? Let him play dress-up, say some nice words and hope that people forget the shit asap. Which, if you don't say a bunch of stupid stuff afterwards, they will.

I mean, I'm a pretty big fan of Obama's but I couldn't tell you a single thing he said from last year's "Address to Congress" speech if you held a gun to my head. Meanwhile, I can picture Bobby the Frog coming out of the Usher House cobwebs clear as a bell, and still crack up at how he at that moment buried his national political hopes.

They should drop this whole "response" crap, show the opposition party at a Hooters or something. "Oh, the president's on? Sorry, tonight is BH 90210 marathon night - ooooh, I fucking HATE Ray!!!!!"

State of the Union. Again. Yawn.

Tonight we get The State of the Union, and while Republicans want you to believe we pussy liberal pinko commies will all be spellbound by Obama's performance like he's preaching in a tent, hypnotizing us with his voodoo and his huge African cock, he's actually a fairly dull speaker when it comes to delivering a speech itself (be cool if he had the balls to pull a TJ.)  This will  of course make Charles "Dumb" Krauthammer's inevitable "there was plenty of style, but no substance" comment to Sean Hannity four seconds after the speech has ended that much more ironically stupid and, of course, stupid.

Mostly, watching an Obama speech makes me pine for the one thing great about Bush: him speaking. Sigh.

Watching Obama right now reminds me what the best thing about George W. Bush as president was: putting him in front of a live camera. Right? He was like whenever Eric Dickerson got the ball handed to him, there's no WAY you're tearing your eyes from the screen, cause you know at any second he's gonna go all the way - mangle words in ways you didn't think possible, then light off a string of "what the fuck is he saying?" sentences before trying to make a joke that feels like someone cut one in church. Seriously, if Bush had become the first president to drop the n-word on live tv during a presser, can you honestly say you'd be S H O C K E D? He made blithering oblivion fun to watch. And it was FUN. Oh, everything he said was absolute bullshit, but you also know that if you took 60 seconds to walk to the fridge, there was at least a small chance that you'd find him onscreen doing shadow puppets, having said "aw, fuck it" with a broken bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 over his own head.

Sigh. We miss ya, Dubyanuts.

Oh For Fuck's Sake Here Come the Waterworks.

AS YOU ALREADY KNOW, nothing gets me like Little House on the Prairie and now here we fucking go again. I AM NOT MADE OF STONE PEOPLE!!

As Rick Springfield Almost Said, What Kind of Food Am I?

Via BUZZFEED:

Solutions. I Have Them.

Via Matt Yglesias, we that assortative mating is driving up income inequality.

Sigh. If only someone had come up with a solutions years ago OHWAITFUCKINGWAIT they did:

I guess we're supposed to be excited Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush broke up. As if either one of them would give you or me the time of fucking day. Who cares if they get married; that's just two more outrageously rich people insulating themselves from us. Throwing their huge wads of cash together, not helping us.

I think there should be a law wherein rich people can't marry each other. There should be a formula  - say, for every million you have, you hafta divide FROM one million to determine the ceiling of whom you can marry. For instance, if you're worth $10M, you can only marry someone who makes up to $100K. $20M, that's $50K. And on and on.

You're welcome.

Let's spread that cash round, rich motherfuckers!!!!!!!

$(X)M can marry $1M/X.

I think. 

You're welcome, Earth.

Wait, What du Jour

Coming up on CNN:

February 7 marks the 50th anniversary of the Beatles’ first visit to the United States.

It was one of a momentous occasion in the history of rock music, and marked the beginning of the “British Invasion” of bands from the U.K. blowing up in the U.S.

CNN is airing a special documentary on this era, "The Sixties - The British Invasion," on January 30.

I mean, what the fuck - why not just wait another week and air it so that it coincides with the actual date? What the fuck? Who comes up with this shit?

Happy Happy Happy, All the Time

8) Yesterday I played a song on my Myspace page for a friend of mine. At the end he turns to me and actually says "Why so angry, buddy?" What? Why so angry? I’m broke. I don’t have a job. I haven’t had a girlfriend since 1995, the last time I got laid the only person on steroids was Delta Burke and McNuggets are up to $5/box….why so angry? I’m not angry enough!!! Fucking christ. If anyone else wants to spray a gun around a crowded room the line should start here, fuckface. - XMASTIME in 2006

Took some happiness quiz. Hmm:

You might be more averse to feeling positive emotions than most people and might avoid activities or relationships that you believe will make you feel happy. You might be more prone to stress and depression as well. Talk therapy and mindfulness meditation might help reduce this fear.

Keep in mind that a fear of happiness is not always a pathology or sign of dysfunction. In some cultures it is a component of a philosophical or religious approach to life. For instance, many East Asians share a belief that happiness can cause suffering.

Squirrels vs. Rats

When I moved to Richmond I wrote:

Apparently, squirrels in Richmond are the equivalent of rats in Brooklyn, which means I'll still one day be eaten alive by rodents, but it'll be a helluva lot cuter.  

And now here's Karl Pilkington on the subject:

Sliders!

I recently had my first Kobe beef experience (thanks Marley!) To be honest, while they were really good, since they were sliders I can't say I could really tell the difference between it and regular beef, but I have been thinking of sliders ever since. I just watched Alton Brown make some on tv, and I've been food-porning them all over the internet. The best I've had are at Bourbon in Adams Morgan. So I was curious about what I had to say about sliders in my absolutely stunning different types-of-burgers post from 2009:

SLIDERS: "People, a slider is something very specific. It is not just a mini hamburger. It's a thin, thin slip of beef, cooked on a griddle with onions and pickles piled atop patty. The steam from the onions does as much cooking as the griddle. The buns are placed atop the onions, absorbing the pungent aroma and flavor. A slider is at once a hamburger and, yet, something more. (Maybe because you eat a bunch of them at one sitting.)"

I'm not sure I've ever had a slider that wasn't from White Castle. And NYC had a somewhat recent turn wherein every fancy club in town tried to out-cute each other with fancy little sliders, I guess so that when you're grooving to Radiohead and trying to hit on a chick the tiny burger makes your hand look HUGE, therein obviously making the chick think you a whopper in your pants and will follow you home for some fizz-ucking. Of course once she finds out that you actually have a slider in your pants she will be disappointed, especially the next morning when, ironically, she feels like she's had a bunch of White Castles: utterly disgusted, covered in "grease" and in desperate need of a toilet.

So up til then a slider meant White Castle, so. I've now had two wonderful "real" sliders. What do you people want from me, blood? Okay fine, I'll say it: it looks like I might have been, as The Fonz would say, wrr...I was wrr...I'm trying to say, I was wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...wrong.

I Was Right. As Usual.

I service society by rocking. I’m out there on the front lines liberating people with my music. Rocking ain’t no walk in the park, lady. - Dewey Finn

Alright, let's pray. God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants, please give us the power to blow people's minds with our high voltage rock. In your name, we pray. Amen. - Dewey Finn

Moi a few years ago:

I've always thought the greatest example of an actor being matched with a character was Jack Black in School of Rock

And here's the director of the movie on the movie's 10th anniversary last year:

"School of Rock was conceived around Jack so completely that there's really no separating that."

The Future is Fucking Terrifying.

The folks over at the BBC have put together a comforting timeline of the Earth's future. No word just yet on where Joan Rivers dying fits.

Questions. I Have Them.

8 billion sequels in Hollywood but they can't make another School of Rock for Jack Black? Wtf?

An Announcement, from Xmastime

Hey thanks a lot everybody for letting me go all these years w/o knowing that such as a thing as potato doughnuts exist. I mean it, really.

Astronomicral Chronology is Freaking Me the Fuck Out

Now we know the exact moment Monet (YES, my favorite painter, duh) painted some bullshit:

Assuming a margin for error, the scientists estimated that Monet created the painting between Feb. 3-7. Then they got a little boost. Monet wrote letters during his trip, including on the days in this range—and apparently he was very attentive to tides. By using information from these missives, plus historical weather data and tide charts, the researchers were able to pinpoint Feb. 5, 1883 at 4:53 p.m. local time as the moment Monet was painting, plus or minus one minute. The findings are published in the February issue of Sky & Telescope.

Their next project: finding the exact time I banged my college girlfriend in a Dairy Queen bathroom. Now THAT was a masterpiece, my friends.

apparently du Jour

If their white uniforms and Seattle's unemplyment rate are any indication, the Seahawks will win next Sunday. So.

Happy Birfday...

...Op!

Just a coupla dudes, watching the river of life rolling on...

Enjoy Op watching a Bruce show HERE.

10:12pm "Be True. another sophomore go-to song in car before basketball game." Wow. Good thing for the other team they didn't know about that - I'm sure there's nothing a basketball team fears more than a white guy who's just been pumped up by mid-tempo Springsteen studio outtakes. Bullet dodged!!!! "oh no, he's displaying fine sportsmanship and is making crisp passes!! He's been listening to Bruce!!!!!!!!!! We are FUUUUUCKED!!!"

We Pretty Boys Stick Together

Matthew McConaughey in the opening episode of True Detective:

Cohle: I tell myself I bear witness, but the real answer is that it’s obviously my programming. And I lack the constitution for suicide.

Yours truly in his never-to-be-published-novel, The Manny Tapes:

But of course death’s permanence meant I wouldn’t be able to stroll through my own memorial service and accept all the pats on the back I’d be hoping for; besides, even in my depths of wallowing I knew I’d never have the guts to do the right thing, that for once my incredible lack of initiative would be useful to my own survival. Also, I was pretty sure that the day after I killed myself would be the day beautiful woman all around the globe would collectively announce they were only having sex with fat, broke drunks. My main reason for living was hoping that the next moment would offer a reason to live.

Happy 25th

Xmastime suuuuuuuuuuuuperslice Lucinda Williams is being reissued for its 25th anniversary.  Side of the Road, as you already  couldn't give less of a shit about  was on my All-Time Top Fitty list a few years back.

I'm not the only person who love love loves this album, but I am the only person I know that had a huge crush on her. ‪#‎horseface‬ ‪#‎lookitthemchompers‬

GIRLS On Film, Greenpoint Edition

Unlike in years before I don't know if I've mentioned GIRLS yet this season, so fuck it here's a video of a GIRLS Tour of Greenpoint (wink wink).

Via GOTHAMIST.

Happy...Squirrel Appreciation Day?

Apparently, squirrels in Richmond are the equivalent of rats in Brooklyn, which means I'll still one day be eaten alive by rodents, but it'll be a helluva lot cuter.  - XMASTIME

How the fuck'd I miss Squirrel Appreciation Day today? After all, one of the earliest memes on Xmastime was, as you surely  don't give a shit about  remember, was "fisting squirrels." (go ahead and do an Xmastime search...not at work, of course.)

My Morning. Ugh.

Woken up at 5:00am by my goddaughter, who drags 14 of her dolls into my bed:

GD: Say hi to _______.
Me: please let me sleep.
GD: Say hi to _______.
Me: please let me sleep.
GD: Say hi to _______.
Me: please let me sleep.
GD: Say hi to _______.
Me: (long sigh.) Hello, ________.

(Repeat 13 more times)

Here We Go

Found In My Laundry

Oooooooooooh, this is how rumors get started!!!!!!*










*Usually, unfortunately, by me. So.

The Truth

I think the case could be made that Martin Scorsese has spent his entire career trying to capture Joe Strummer.

Fallon/Bruce

This one wrote itself. Tho I think the original, them doing Whip Your Hair, is still funnier.

Springsteen du Jour

I have no desire to bother listening to the new Bruce album High Hopes, but I'm pleasantly surprised to find out his cover of the Saints' Just Like Fire Would is better than the original (though its also a virtual rewrite of The Box Tops' classic Soul Deep.) And its Penny Lane meets Silly Love Songs horn during the break is surprisingly refreshing.

Du Jour Du Jour

What Every NFL Logo Would Look Like If It Were a Hipster.

Impossible to pick a favorite, they're all perfect.

Congrats Husky!

On his first-ever Big Mac. Well done.

Of course I selfishly like to think I played a small, small part in his fast food burger career.

YES!

Jennifer Esposito favorited my tweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Questions. I Have Them.

Is "I'm a Republican but not a social conservative" the new "I'm spiritual but not religious"?

Say Goodbye to your Next Hour

Extensive oral history of Hoop Dreams:

Agee: I hadn’t seen my dad in probably three weeks. He was strung out on cocaine.
James: We were struck by how awful he looked. He looked completely strung out.
Agee: I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and I’m like, “Oh, shit.” So I went right to him before he could get to the court, and told him they were filming, but I really felt like saying to him, “Where’s your fucking shirt?”
Gilbert: For me, that was one of those sad, rare moments when you’re a shooter and you have subjects you care about, and you realize the depths of where things are at. I can’t tell you about framing that scene, because it just becomes instinctual. You’re following what’s going on, and capturing the moment. I think Steve and I drove home pretty heartbroken that day.

Official Announcement

Just like Geena Davis in Thelma & Louise, Jennifer Esposito in this scene from Summer of Sam is in the pantheon. Stunningly beautiful.

More A-Rod Then I Swear That's It

Via DEADSPIN:

Here's something you might not realize about the case of Alex Rodriguez: There's no physical evidence at all tying him to the purchase or use of any prohibited drug. His suspension was laid down and upheld based entirely on a series of claims made by Anthony Bosch, who is now on the payroll of Major League Baseball, as well as copies of copies of his notebooks and a set of text messages, which corroborated his claims. Even if you concede that the compromised witness and the corrupted documentary evidence are credible, though, they still don't prove anything more than that Rodriguez purchased and used what he thought were banned substances. We know that Bosch says that's what they were, and we might concede that he believes that's what they were, but that still isn't proof that Rodriguez was doping...Alex Rodriguez, to be clear, wasn't suspended because anyone could prove he did anything; he was suspended because there was good reason to think he wanted or tried to do something. He was convicted, in other words, of a thoughtcrime.

1964

Of course the best part of tonight's American Experience, 1964, is Robert Lipsyte introducing The Beatles to Cassius Clay, a confluence he described as "the toppling of a generation".

Suddenly the locker room door burst open, and Cassius Clay filled the doorway. The Beatles and I gasped. He was so much larger than he looked in pictures. He was beautiful. He seemed to glow. He was laughing. "Hello there, Beatles!" he roared. "We oughta do some road shows together, we'll get rich." The Beatles got it right away. They followed Clay out to the boxing ring like kindergarten kids. You would have thought they'd met before and choreographed their routine. They bounced into the ring, capered, dropped down to pray that Clay would stop hitting them. He picked up Ringo, the bittiest Beatle. They lined up so Clay could knock them all out with one punch. They fell like dominoes, then jumped up to form a pyramid to get at Clay's jaw. The five of them began laughing so hard their impromptu frolics collapsed.

Happy Birthday

Today's the birthday of my last surviving girlfriend. That's her, in the picture below. It's been so long since I had a girlfriend that I'm surprised that color photos of her exist, to be honest. Just so you feel like you know her better, I thought I'd tell you a bit about her:

LIKES: me, doting on me, worshipping the ground I walked on, me doing her, me letting her blow me, me getting her up on her haunches, me giving her an Xmastime blizzard at THE DAIRY QUEEN, sharing our dreams of a lifetime together, snuggling, the thing about the haunches again.

DISLIKES: anytime she wasn't doing the above, heights.

Happy Birfday, Baby!

Roids du Jour

The most coherent A-Rod article I've seen yet. On a side note, I particularly appreciate:

It’s sort of like the Pete Rose and Roger Clemens cases where, because neither Rose nor Clemens was a particularly nice person, the media chose to take the word of their accusers, no matter how shady they were. And not only did the sports media choose to believe them, they practically put them up as candidates for sainthood.

Since that's what I was screaming years ago re: MacNamee and Clemens et al.

Not My Proudest Google of the Day

But probably not my worst either.

Sharks!

After millions of years of being the perfect killing machines, how'd you like to be the first great white shark known to get sick?

Pussy!

Dreams. I Have Them.

How great would it have been if instead of coming back to find Mary rail-thin and guant in her grief, she's ballooned up to 300 lbs, refusing to budge all day while sucking chicken wings off the bone like a machine?

"Mary, please, why don't you-"
"My husband's dead." (thwoop!)
"But mayb-"
"My husband's dead." (thwoop!)
"I just-"
"My husband's dead." (thwoop! spits bone off Anna's forehead)

"Did someone order Dominos? I thought I heard someone ordering Dominos. Anyone want some Dominos?"

 

State du Moi

The pithy comments I've made to myself during Downton Abbey so far this season have been, if I may say so myself, off the charts. Maybe not Peach Pit After Dark era amazing, but pretty close.

Thoughts On Cancer

If I ever did get cancer (insert "God forbid!" here) I'd want it to be lung cancer, since I've never smoked in my whole life. Not even once. So then everybody would hafta feel real bad for me, since it wasn't my fault. Any other kind of cancer and everybody could say "well fuck him - he ate too much, drank too much, was a douche etc etc."

Your Mind Blown du Jour

Jerry and George seen walking in front of Monk's!

Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, whoa, whoa...WHOA.

I just stumbled upon the fact that all-time Mrs. Xmastime Emma Thompson had her own sketch comedy show in the late 80s. ta-DOW!

(I haven't watched yet...scared it'll suck, but I"m glad it's there.)

Marah, ca. 2005

Via:

Stephen King, writing in Entertainment Weekly, hailed IYDLYC as the best record of 2005.

If You Didn't Laugh, You'd Cry is an apt enough title, when you consider that this is probably the best rock band in America that nobody knows. Am I being an elitist here, trying to one-up my audience? Nope. Marah is great in the scat, bop, and jive way Springsteen was great on The Wild, the Innocent & the E Street Shuffle. One listen to songs like The Closer and Fat Boy on this amazing record and I think you'll agree. These guys are either the American U2 or close enough for government work.

Am I going to claim to you regular people that I am not aware that Stephen King has heard my voice, and this pleases me? Of course not.

I mean, can you believe is - STEPHEN KING HAS HEARD MY VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

High Five!

Ah yes, the latest video of awkward high fives, below. No matter how old you get, the awkward high-five is still excruciating.

However...

...has the “Slow Clap that nobody joins in on” replaced the “Unrequited high-five” as the ultimate embarrassing moment in a man’s life? As a young buck, nothing was worse than after a great play on the field, in front of hundreds of fans, you’d be running by a teammate and raise your paw to give him five, and he just breezes right past you. Your brain would lock up in absolute horror, knowing that EVERY SINGLE PAIR OF EYES IN THE STANDS happened to be looking at you right at that moment, and you would be forever remembered as “what a fucking dork!!” The girl you have a massive crush on saw it and will never speak to you again, as did your dad who now thinks “I knew this kid was a fag.” Now you know that everybody knows you jerk off 4 times a day, wet the bed til you were 8 and have the smallest dick in the history of earth. The Unrequited High Five. Fucking brutal.

But at least with that one you could, through a series of elaborate, incredibly thoughtfully choreographed steps, act like you were doing something else, like swatting a fly, or waving to somebody. My favorite was to act like I'm waving to someone, going so far as to smile, and then point into the crowd, act like I'm saying something, then laugh, shaking my head "oh, YOU!" But if you’re in a meeting and after Suzy Creamcheese finishes her presentation and you start the Slow Clap and nobody joins in, it’s tough to cover up. Everyone’s just staring at you. Woof.

On my “Things to Do Before I Die” list, which right now consists entirely of two items:

1) Flip table over in middle of important meeting, yelling “oh, FUCK this!”
2) Get an explanation from Peter Engel at NBC re: not explaining how Kelly and Jesse disappeared, were replaced by Tori and then reappeared again

I would like to add

3) Start off the longest, slowest building Slow Clap. I mean, look at the one below – from first slow clap to full-on frantic clapping is what, 10 seconds? I’m talking about kicking one off and then sloooooooowly building up, taking about 45 minutes before hitting full-on clapping. Everyone slowly folding in, maybe one a minute. More people finally succumbing with every minute. Would be amazing. All I ask in this world.

Mukluks: Jon Keller.

Art Imitating Life Imitating Art Imitating Oh Who the Hell Can Keep the Fuck Up already

Suuuuuuperslice

Would love to know how uproarious the laughter was the first time an audience would see this pop up on the screen. Awesome. ‪

AC Slater You Fucking Idiot

I think Zack Morris just finally won the war for Kelly Kapowski.

I'm Still the Best at Being the Worst, Thank You Very Much

DEADSPIN enjoys what they're calling one of the worst penalty kicks of all time. Since it's soccer, which nobody here gives a shit about, they're mostly getting a kick out of the announcers being honest:

• It's a dreadful miss.
• Jason Puncheon has blown it.
• It's an awful strike.
• Look at that, ugh.
• It's an awful penalty.
• One of the worst I've seen.
• That's a terrible strike.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “does this even compare to The Greatest Walk of All Time?" 

Of COURSE not, faithful readers. Try on these gems:

"Oh my god!"

"Talk about a walk in the park, eh Bob?"

"I've seen players get rattled before, but wow."

(5 minutes later, after a commercial)

"Boy, how bout that walk by Wilson?"  "Unbelievable, Jerry. Wow."

(10 minutes later. Still shaking their heads.)

"Wilson thought it was still football season!"

"I mean, that had to be the greatest walk of all time, right Bobby?"

Xmastime Memories

The Elite Sunday Sippy Cup Club.

Facebook Post du Jour

Let's all say a prayer for The Gnat, who as of today finds himself under the oppressive yoke of a Democratic governor. Nobody should hafta live like that. You're in our thoughts, Sic Semper TyGnattus. The struggle continues. We shall overcome, indeed.

VCU Wins

Glory Road Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks

A few years ago HERE I reviewed Glory Road for the inexorable piece of shit it was, including the idea that Don Haskins started five black players for the sole purpose of, you know, ending racism. Which of course is ridiculous:

I'm fairly certain Coach Haskins woulda started Hitler and Charles Manson if they were his best players. Watching this shit, he should be able to sue whoever made this crapass flick. I can't wait for the sequel, either: Coach only plays the players who haven't fucked little kids. It's time to teach the world that sexual abuse is bad!!

But in making it through about five mnutes just now without throwing up, I'm reminded that in the movie Haskins not only states that all five starters will be black, but that THE ONLY SEVEN PEOPLE THAT PLAY AT ALL WILL BE THE BLACK PLAYERS.

The "goodbye racism" absurdity notwithstanding, this scene manages to not just insult black people once, but twice. First by painting the historic event of five starters as a gift from Whitey, who is of course  A   W   E  S   O  M   E, and then by showing black people to be assholes. As in, what players would go through such a season together, through all the shit they had to go through as a race, and in the end be okay with ANOTHER race being shut out of playing in the final? If I'm a black member of that team I'd be suing the movie's ass off.

Cap doffed to the writer's ability to be so insulting in just one scene. Wow.

Oh for Fuck's Sake They Got Me.

I'm not made of stone, people.

You're Welcome

Enjoy some Beatles on the BBC, Vol. II

Jesus Is Just Alright

Senior year of high school, I was voted the Class Clown. The year before, my brother was voted “Most Intelligent”, “Most Athletic” and “Most Likely to Succeed”, so obviously I decided that by getting Class Clown the next year I’d complete the coveted “Senior Superlative Grand Slam” for the family. Nice. Jokes on him, tho – he may have grown up to be rich, successful, with a wife and kid but I SERIOUSLY doubt he invented the peanut butter & Dorito* on Jewish rye sandwich or the back fart.

All of this is to say that I'm somewhat familiar with growing up in a brother's shadow. However, I will say that the motherfucker of all overshadowed brothers must have been none other than James, whose brother was....Jesus Christ:

The James ossuary is a 2,000-year old chalk box which was used for containing dead bones. Carved into one side of the box there is an Aramaic inscription that reads, "Ya'akov bar-Yosef akhui diYeshua" (English translation: "James, son of Joseph, brother of Jesus").

Now THAT must have been a bitch. "Your brother just cured a leper, what the hell have you done all day?" "What is this, water? Really? We have a 100 people here, and we're supposed to have WATER? For fuck's sake, go get your brother, he'll fix this. Idiot."


* EDITOR - turns out Xmastime's brother DID invent the Dorito, however.

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

"Awkwardly trying to approach a cab that may be stopping for a red light instead of you" is the new "how the hell do I approach a woman when she walks into a room?"

7) I am terrible at greeting women when they walk into a room. I never know whether to get up and do the ol’ fake-cheek kiss, get up and shake their hands, hug, no idea. So I usually do that thing where I crouch about 8 inches above my chair, hover back and forth for a few seconds, then panic and sit down. Meanwhile every other dude moves effortlessly and glides in graciously doing the right thing. I’m an asshole sitting in my chair; so now I have to pretend to be distracted, like I didn’t see her. I’m almost 34 years old, you’d think I’d know how to greet a lady when she enters a room. Christ. I guess my big fear is I’ll go in for the kiss and all of a sudden she’ll be horrified, and scream that I’m disgusting and embarrass me in front of everyone.

2016 Dark Horse?

The word is out that Hillary's opponent for the Democratic nomination in 2016 may be Montana governor Brian Schweitzer:

Becoming famous as a “blue man in a red state,” Schweitzer compromised on core liberal commitments to gun control and allied himself with the NRA. In his 2008 run, Schweitzer was endorsed by the NRA with an “A” rating and a personal visit by Wayne LaPierre for a campaign rally. Schweitzer signed an array of NRA-backed bills into law, including a 2009 “stand your ground” bill that the NRA called a “victory.”

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “wasn't Schweitzer and guns the basis for one of your all-time great Xmastime quotes from 2007?"

Sigh. YES, faithful reader, yes it was:

Saw this guy on 60 Minutes a while back and then again on Charlie Rose last night, and I like him...as a hunter knows how to handle a rifle without looking like an idiot, which of course is so important in this country. Why, I don't know - can you ever imagine the sentence "okay okay, everybody calm down...the President is on the way, he's gonna shoot the damn thing."

Goose Gossage is a Fucking Idiot and Needs to Shut the Fuck Up

Goose Gossage, who finally got put into the Hall of Fame because they couldn't take his whining and blubbering to anyone who would have to listen, is at it again, this time dissing the un-dissable Mariano Rivera:

And, as always, he’s trotting out the regurgitated mantras regarding relief pitching. When someone’s preamble is, “Nothing against Mariano,” you know they are about to trivialize Mariano.

Well, nothing against you, Goose, but it’s time to be quiet. And unlike Rivera, who will garner at least 95 percent of the vote in his first ballot, it took you nine years to find your way to Cooperstown.

When asked by ESPN if Rivera would be the first player ever voted unanimously into the Hall of Fame, Goose bristled, asserting that anyone charged with pitching “just” one inning to bag a save should not be so universally regarded.

Gossage always goes on and on about pitching three inning. To wit:

There’s a sublime, fact-drenched piece from Baseball Prospectus that dissects the fantasy of Gossage’s three-inning save. In 21 years of relief pitching, Gossage had just 52 saves that required at least seven outs. And before anyone calls Rivera a three-out mercenary, remember that he entered countless games before the ninth inning, including 56 out of his 96 playoff appearances.

Goose, you're like OJ after he was let off the hook in 1995: sit down, shut the fuck up and don't ever bring attention to yourself again, because you can only hurt your own case. I'd hate for voters to take another look at your case file, which was flimsy to begin with.

Your Day is Now Made. You're Welcome.

The Short Bus in his first flick since we ruled YouTube together! :)

Christie in Deep Doo-Doo

I wouldn't be surprised if  Rex Ryan  Chris Christie really wasn't aware of the GW Bridge shenanigans as it was happening, that he pulled the trigger on it. But I'm not surprised at all that he had built a staff whose culture allowed such a thing to happen.

Anyways, here he is dream-eating.

Dream Syndicate

Shortly after I moved to Brooklyn in January of 1998 GodIHateYourSteveWynn, Lux and I went to some basement in the city, where Steve Wynn of the Dream Syndicate was playing a solo acoustic show. He was trying to plug his latest album, of which he releases about 50 a year, and nobody was really giving a shit, everybody kinda milling around chatting. After I had partook in a few warm Heinekins I thought I'd do Mr. Wynn a favor, and I started shouting out Dream Syndicate songs I wanted to hear, and he finally shrugged "fuck it" and played whatever I shouted out over the next 45 minutes or so.

I've always hated that "Only in New York, kids!" saying, but later on while standing there talking to Steve Wynn I remember thinking "there's no way I'd be standing here talking to Steve Wynn after picking out his set list anywhere else."

ANYhoo, they played a reunion show in Cleveland a coupla weeks ago and you can see the whole thing here.

Here's my favorite Dream Syndicate song. You're goddam right he played it that night in Brooklyn.

Because We're America Dammit

Cheeseburger with french fries for a bun. Of course. Who the hell has time to eat them separately?

A Career on Grantland

A curiously exhaustive Grantland post on is Bruce Springsteen's career overrated, underrated or properly rated. Not only his album, but everything:

The Live Concert Experience

This is the most mythologized aspect of Bruce Springsteen's career. Springsteen isn't described merely as a great live performer — his concerts are classified as RELIGIOUS experiences conjuring SPIRITS that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Forget the hyperbole. I can only address this based on my firsthand experience.

I've seen Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band four times. The first was at Target Center in Minneapolis in 1999. I was 21 and it was just OK. The second time was at Bradley Center in Milwaukee on St. Patrick's Day in 2008. I loved it. The third time was also at Bradley Center in 2009. He played the entirety of Born to Run and brought out Richard Davis⁷ to play on "Meeting Across the River." It was amazing. The fourth time was in 2012 at Wrigley Field. My seats sucked, the sound sucked, the Old Style Light could've been a touch colder, and I still had a wonderful time. PROPERLY RATED.

Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

Seems good a year as ever to only listen to Exile On Main Street.

Well. This Is Fucking Depressing.

Re: Tommy Stinson:

It’s easy to forget, given the relative low profile of GNR in recent years, but Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson is still employed by Axl Rose and committed to play any and all shows with him in 2014. In fact, the Minneapolis native’s 15-year tenure makes him the longest-serving GNR member after keyboardist Dizzy Reed and Rose himself (Slash, by comparison, was only in the group for about eight functional years). 

Fucking hell.

State du Moi

I'll take the freezing cold over the blazing heat any day of the week. I am insufferable in the summer, with my regular threats to move to Canada. Interesting take via Matt Yglesias HERE:

The larger issue is that I think there's a warm weather cognitive bias because it's a lot more fun to go on vacation in warm weather. If it's a nice hot day and you're on vacation then you're in good shape. Enjoy a cool beverage in the sun. Relax in the pool. Swim in the ocean. This is all good stuff. In terms of cold weather recreation, there's not much. Skiing, I guess, for fancy people. But hot vacation definitely beats cold vacation, and vacation definitely beats working. So people get it mixed up in their heads and think hot = fun while cold = not. But that's a confusion. You're not on vacation most of the time. And when you're not on vacation, you're better off with extreme cold than extreme heat.

And fuck you, Ezra Klein!