SHE RAN AWAY WITH MY HEART ON THE STREET

Found Sidewalk Art, by Xmastime

SOME KIND OF DINOSAUR LEAF

Found Sidewalk Art, by Xmastime

STRAWBERRY AS A BULLET HAS JUST GONE THROUGH ITS BRAINS

Garfield du Jour

Self-Awareness. It's Important.

It takes a lot to shock today years-old me when it comes to being a loser but asking my bff ChatGPT to set me up a weekly doubleheader watch schedule of Only Fools and Horses episodes featuring one each of Grandad and Uncle Albert has just crushed it out of the goddam park. (psssst slip all up into my DMs if you wanna join watching all week!!)

This is Fall, Right?

Ugh. This weather is so fucking incredible for the last day of August I can't take it...without being able to bitch about the Summer heat, who even IS Xmastime?? 😔

Movie Ideas. I Have Them.

Guy breaks up a married couple in his building by making their dog like him so much thanks to surreptitiously stuffing his pockets with pork chops that the hot-tempered husband gets suspicious and accuses the wife of having an affair with the guy while he's out of town for work, hilarity ensues.

LOOKING FOR INVESTORS, PEOPLE!!! 💰💰💰💰

5th UPDATE: You Are Freaking Me Out Now, Apple

Nine Eighteen Twenty-seven Thirty-six Forty-five days ago, I mentioned how strangely fresh an apple in my fruit bowl was looking:

Ever since Super Size Me first came out everybody wants to push some crazy story about how fake the Big Mac is based on it supposedly never rotting away - "OMG Ben Franklin put a Big Mac on his counter and now just two weeks ago the fucking thing learned how to drive a stick shift!!!" - but meanwhile I bought this apple so many weeks ago I can’t remember when and it looks the exact same as when I bought it. 🤔🤷‍♂️

Here's that apple 45 days ago:

Here's that apple 36 days ago:

Here's that apple 27 days ago:

 

Here's that apple 18 days ago:

Here's that apple 9 days ago:

Aaaaaaaaand here's that apple today:

🤔🤷‍♂️

FOUND: Stealth Jet Fighter On My Sidewalk

Here it is flying past Hawaii 👋

The Mayor of Xmastime Would Very Much Like You to Know He's Reading a Book (eyeroll emoji explodes)

On one hand I'm re-discovering the fact that no author has ever made characters who made me just scream at a book quite like Thomas Hardy has; on the other hand I'm gonna be looking for any chance to oh-so-matter-of-factly drop "some folk want their luck buttered" into normal conversation.

(ALSO, listen to that phrasing - is that yet another British/American South connection????!!??)

Oh FFS, Uber Eats

Watermelon as the icon for Labor Day? Is this some sort of SICK joke about black people in America working for free for centuries and also loving watermelon?!?!? IT IS THE YEAR 2025 UBER EATS !!! Act like it dammit! 😡😡😡😡

Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

About a hundred years ago HERE (AAAWWWWWWWW we miss you, original & much beloved THINGS ARE GOOD Xmastime series!) I made up some funny made-up Olympics sports and while they're kinda dumb looking back on them now - but still hilarious!! - it's obvious to see they're wrapped in the warm embrace of youthful hubris and testosterone; just now I thought to myself - as opposed to thinking to anybody else, I suppose? - "hey, you know what should be an Olympic event: can you transfer an entire load from the washer to the dryer in one grab without dropping anything either onto the floor or back into the washing machine?"

So....I've got that going for me right now, people.

Premesis Photography, by Xmastime

One of these makes me think of what every normal sunny day of the 1970s looked like and the other for some reason makes me think of what 1983 looked like, mostly based around dreaming of rocking one of those knit ties with the square end Alex P. Keaton used to rock and what I thought it might have looked like outside of Cheers. 🤷‍♂️

Michael Jordan Faces the Press After Revealing Every Move He Made on the Court Was Orchestrated by a Blue Rat Hidden in His Shorts

More Sunday Morning with Xmastime!

The Old Testament reminds me of the Metallica documentary that came out about 20 years ago; why would you ever let your fans peek behind the curtain & let them know how crappy you are?

Sitcom BS du Jour

People love to look at old sitcoms and GASP! about how "this show could NEVER be made today!", of which I just heard today about, of all shows, The Office. Let me explain it to you this way:

1. it's a credit to society how quickly we became uncomfortable with a lot of the gay/race jokes from the show

2. if you literally just cut every gay/race joke out of the entire series it would change the show about 0.1%; if you watched the show w/o being told they'd removed said jokes the odds of you noticing are somewhere between 0% and 0%

3. as opposed to a show like All in the Family, for which such language was part of the basis for the entire point of the show

4. so the next time someone is talking about a show you like and they say, "this show could NEVER be made today!" just answer with "Well then I guess we're all lucky they made it when they did", shrug your shoulders & walk away.

You're welcome, Earf!

THE DOGS OF XMASTIME: Doo!

"Yeah how ya doin' pal?"

Xmastime Films

I FOUND LOVE (it was in the street)

New Game Show Idea

Is This Guy at Wegmans Single?

Genius Artsy-Fartsy Cropping du Jour

At the Ballpark

A few weeks ago I found myself in a conversation about what the ultimate scenario of catching a home run ball at a major league baseball game would be; eager nods of approval greeted talk about Game 7 walk-off home runs and 3,000th hit games but my dream of immediately handing the ball over to not only a little kid but a little kid with cancer was not met with such nods of approval.

Grad Rock

Paul McCartney loves to talk about his Liverpool School of Music, and as per my bff ChatGPT says he seems to genuinely love showing up every year for graduation:

Paul McCartney co-founded the Liverpool Institute for Performing Arts (LIPA) in 1996 on the site of his former school, the Liverpool Institute High School for Boys, which had closed in the 1980s. Determined to preserve the historic building and create opportunities for future musicians, he partnered with educator Mark Featherstone-Witty to establish a world-class performing arts academy. McCartney has remained its patron and guiding presence, regularly visiting students and supporting its growth. LIPA has since become one of the UK’s leading performing arts institutions, blending music, theatre, and dance training with McCartney’s legacy of creativity and accessibility.

But now that I see this:

and I'm like shouldn't each student get to choose what McCartney song's playing when they shake Macca's hand, like a baseball batter's walk-up music? Even just a snippet, for those few seconds? (Otherwise every kid would pick Hey Jude so they could stand there talking with him for 8 minutes and these things would take about 10 hours to complete, ironically enough the exact length of time it legendarily took The Beatles to record their debut album, Please Please Me funk you people very much). I mean what if you just so happened to graduate in 2004 and he was playing whatever shitty single off the Egypt Station album he was pushing at the time that was immediately forgotten forever? And yes of course every year some smart-ass right on cue will think he’s Che Guevara & pick a John Lennon song but Paul will just cheerfully laugh as he shakes the kid’s hand and the guy will be crushed for the rest of his life...

...anyway, my song would be this based both on its explosive opening that highlights McCartney's unbelievable new bass sound and its dream of a future vocation I would've wished for myself.

The World We're Living In

The street entrance outside the Wegmans in my building looks like this throughout the course of the day way more than you’d think.

"State du Moi", a One-Act Play, by Xmastime

INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING

XMASTIME

OMG I HATE CLOSED CAPTIONING ON DVDS!!! Why do they always default to the closed captioning being on, and then make it look like on is off and off is on in the goddam settings?! I HATE THIS AND WILL BURN THIS GODDAM BUILDING TO THE GROUND!!!

[Xmastime starts watching The Royle Family]

XMASTIME

You know what... I better turn the closed captioning on.

THE END

 

Things I've Noticed in This Thing Called "Life"

As a huge fan of sitcoms from both sides of the ocean - I refuse to say "pond" & sound like a total fucking asshole you're welcome very much - I've noticed that Americans seem to put waaaaaaay more of a premium on blooper reels than the Brits do; I'm not saying Brits don't fuck up, I've seen clips, but it just doesn’t seem to be an entire industry in & of itself the way it is over here. 

This is a Person...

...who is creating somewhat exceptionally high expectations.

Know Thyself, by Myself

Sometimes I wonder if the happiness or non-happiness I'm feeling for any stretch of time can be tracked by whether or not I'm making scrambled eggs on a daily basis; the more the scrambling, the happier I seem to be.

Memory Lane du Jour

From their Instagram here's my much-beloved Turkey's Nest from my old neighborhood, back in...well, there's no date on the photo so guess it's just olden times, and today - presumably, tho it pretty much looks exactly like it did back when I was running shit there. 🤗🕺

XMASTIME: A Day in the Life

Whilst walking through my building on my way back from Wegmans downstairs, my level of interest in whether a lady can tell if the rolled paper product I'm carrying is toilet paper or paper towels is 100% based on whether or not I think she’s hot.

Questions. I Have Them.

When do we get to see the episode of The Office in which Michael watches the PBS documentary as it slowly reveals to him across 9 years that the very people he truly thought were his best friends & family hated his guts and considered his place in their lives to be a joke at best and a liability at worst?

BREAKING NEWS: Trump Announces TRUMP’S BIG, BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS & PRAYERS for only $99.99

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

All rock & roll songs are based lyrically on one of these two subjects:

1. "I wanna fuck this person" 
2. "What the hell are we doing, guys?"

Learning du Jour

I've read my share of books, and I've even read my share of Tom Hardy (we all remember The Curious Case of the Curiously Specific Burglar, after all), but not once in my entire life have I ever seen “without" used as a synonym for "outside." 

Hmm. Lookit me...always learning, always optimizing.

Sigh. XMASTIME: Great American Role Model. 😔

Accidental Photo That Would Make a Great Indie Rock Album Cover

THE OFFICE Questions. I Have Them.

How come we only saw Michael's improv group once? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

On one hand I can’t describe how excited I am that in my fruit bowl right now are the best oranges I've ever had, the best cherries I've ever had and the best grapes I've ever had, all together at once; this level of excitement is surpassed only by the overwhelming sadness of knowing it’ll never be this good again.

Insta Like du Jour

Handle: robbrowningart

Xmastime Films

SODA CLUB, with The Goddaughter 🤗 ❤️

Also In America.

Moi Say Moi back in 2016:

It's funny, Republicans sure don’t seem to mind taking real action when it comes to something like tax cuts for the wealthy; I have yet to hear one of them ask people for “thoughts and prayers that money stays in rich people's bank accounts instead of going to the government.” 🤔🤷‍♂️

In America.

Guns remain undefeated against thoughts and prayers but don’t worry I’m sure they’ll work next time. 👍

WARNING: White People Running Out of Excuses to Not Watch the WNBA While Caitlyn Clark's Out Injured

Bachelor Vacation Salad

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

I'm not gonna put in the work to prove it to you people so you'll just hafta take my word for it when I tell you that no show ever had more hilarious microwave popcorn gags than The Office.\

Oh Hell No Wegmans

Teardrop tattoos on the apple cookies now? Are these apple cookies supposed to be gang members from what, some fucking cookie gang? Oh hell no Wegmans, hell no.

Wanna Feel Old?

The guy on the right is the baby from the cover of Nirvana's Nevermind album.😮🤯😳😮🤯😳

I'll Say This

You people know how much I've love love loved Staged since it came out during the pandemic, and now I will submit my scores for each of their backgrounds:

DAVID TENNANT: 0 out oif 10
MICHAEL SHEEN: 9 out of 10

You're welcome, Earf!!!

Something You People Should Know About Me

A large part of my college experience was spent at keg parties trying to get girls to believe I knew what "carpe diem" meant before Dead Poets Society came out. (I did not.)

Gross.

On Happiness

Few things in my own life have personally brought me more joy than realizing this:

This is worth doing for no other reason than that it is nice to do. So do it.

Thoughts. I Have Them

Why don’t lawyers ever sweat in Hell?
They’ve been practicing for it their whole careers.

It's funny that there's a million "lawyers in Hell!" jokes out there and that even if there's a lawyer in the room it's socially acceptable to make a joke about how explicitly evil lawyers are and they deserve to go to Hell, and yet we're supposed to believe that with millions of lawyers sitting there roasting in Hell for all eternity, not one of them has found a loophole based on the fact that by not having agreed to have been born in the first place any implied contract with Satan is therein null and void? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Something You People Should Know About Me

Whenever I'm dumping bleach into my washing machine I feel like I'm a mobster dumping gasoline all over a building I'm about to set on fire.

Parking Lot

Imagine This.

Imagine being an ex-president right now, absolutely sputtering with fury upon realizing how fucking easy it turns out to be for a president to turn himself into a straight-up dictator.

Satan Complains Hell's Being Crushed by Trump's Anti-DEI Demands

Questions. I Have Them.

"Bad criminals" is a funny thing to say; are we talking about criminals who are bad-asses or criminals who are bad at their jobs? 🤔🤷‍♂️

The Trolley Problem

Via my BFF, ChatGPT:

The trolley problem is a thought experiment in ethics. A runaway trolley is heading down the tracks toward five people who will be killed if it continues. You are standing by a lever that can divert the trolley onto another track—but on that track, one person will be killed.

The dilemma:
Pull the lever → Save five lives, but actively cause one death.
Do nothing → Avoid direct action, but five people die.

Ummmm.....HOW is this a dilemma? As in, obviously if I save the five lives sure that's one person dead but now there's FIVE people with literally undying gratitude for me; I doubt I'll ever hafta pay at another restaurant again. If you only save the one person then you hafta hope that one person's not an ungrateful dickhead or, worse, poor, whereas five people increase the odds one of 'em will be rich, so....what's the dilemma again?

BIDEN ANNOUNCES 2028 CAMPAIGN LAUNCH

Here's to 50 Years of Born to Run

Bruce's landmark and career-making classic Born to Run was released 50 years ago today. It's my favorite Bruce album and always will be; it's one of those records we all should consider ourselves to be lucky to alive to hear, not only in its greatness but its YEARNING for greatness.

I will now rank the songs:

Born to Run
Backstreets
Jungleland
Thunder Road 
Meeting Across the River
Night
She's the One
Tenth Avenue Freeze-out 

UPDATE: None So Far

 

Xmastime Films

THE ICE CREAM MAN COMETH, starring Scooter!

Questions. I Have Them.

Seriously, how has there been no Last Dance-worthy documentary about Uber drivers yet? Not one about the founders or any of that bullshit, but the ins & outs of some of the drivers? How perfect is this for a Netflix series, just waiting to happen????

LOOKING FOR INVESTORS PEOPLE LET'S DO THIS!!! 💰💰💰💰

Want du Jour

Loneliness, circa 1956
Painted by Paul Delvaux.

TFW du Jour

TFW just as you’re about to burn the building down after being driven to insanity trying to re-seal the resealable bag before realizing the motherfucking thing's got goddam air holes anyway. 😡😡😡😡