Coates/Palin

Ta-Nahisi Coates HERE over-rationalizes himself re: Palin's heat. I'm sorry, but the #1 reason we're still talking about her is that she's hot as shit. Period. He can do the ol' Palin vs. Ferraro thing all he wants - theoretically he's right, but there's a reason we have Pam Oliver on the sideline of a Steelers-Ravens game instead of (insert the thousands of NFL players that have vocal cords here.)

Coates thinks his cool, easy-going above-it-all PC journalism will lend himself credibility. but he's wrong - including his Hillary reference. Hillary got the momentum she got cause she was the (beleagured?) wife of a 2-term president. I'm sorry, but if she showed up from outta nowhere in her pantsuits and brains? Wouldn't beat Marty Markowitz in a primary.

Honestly - do YOU really think you'd be talking about Sarah Palin if she wasn't an ex-beauty queen MILF? No, you wouldn't.

Monica Crowley is Hot as Ballz

Monica Crowley is a hot-ass bitch; so whenever she guest-hosts on The O'Reilly Show I'm watching - nuts in my hand. Balls, too.

Anyway, her guest tonight happens to be the Michael Jordan of wingnuts, Glenn Beck. Tonight's discussion du jour is Cap & Trade, and since neither one of them knows what they're talking about (tho I'd love to sniff Crowley's bicycle seat), Beck launches into some "scientific data" wherein, get this, the average temperature is DROPPING, not rising. So he and Monica Xmastime slap high-five re: the ridiculousness of an global climate crisis emerging anytime in the future.

Number one, the "hey, it's snowing on the day they met about global warming!!" punchline is tired. As in, "global warming" does not simply mean "gee, it's getting hotter." It's "gee, the climate is acting whacky, and only gonna be getting whackier as we speed things along ourselves."

But my real question is...how can you dismiss concerns re: the temperature going UP, while you yourself are claiming temperatures are going DOWN? As in, neither one is particularly great for the human race, are they?

The planet has never broiled itself to death. But there HAVE been several Ice Ages. Which, apparently, is of no concern to any of us. That's interesting. And by "interesting," I mean "stupid." As in, if you're going to pick a side of an argument to scoff at, you MIGHT not wanna pick the one that has never happened before in lieu of one that has. Several times. I'm just saying.

Whhhhaaaaaaaaat? Camon.

Wendy's is my favorite fast-food chain cheeseburger. And the 5 McNuggets for $1 are great. But THIS? Camon. No way. Total bullshit.

Grandma Hates You

Some old lady who is a state Senator in Oklahoma has taken time out from...whatever it is Oklahoma does when it's not the college football season...to blame the bad economy on the gay people. Hey, that makes perfect sense to me - nothing quite spurred the underwriting of shitty mortgages and risky lending quite like the furor over dudes kissing, did it? And THANK YOU FAGS for costing us $15B/mo. in Iraq!!! Hey, we were ALL pissed!!!!

But what bothers me here is Grandma wrongfully saying that the US is a "world leader" in, to quote, "abortion, pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and many other forms of debauchery." Hey look, we're Americans - there's nothing we like hearing more than empty rhetoric from really, really old people who were voted in by 2,000 people at some Tupperware party in OK - we LOVE to hear about how great we are in leading the world in EVERYTHING!!!!!

But before she starts jumping on the Teletype machine with her big foam "We're #!" finger, Grandma needs to know the facts - the point is, apparently we don't even lead the world in most of this shit.

Abortion? Please - we're fucking behind the Russians by 1.5 million abortions a year. That would be the equivalent of Brooklyn getting aborted by the Russians while we stood around diddling our thumbs. 1.5M? REALLY? I mean, are we even fucking TRYING?
Pornography sold: 12th...behind Canada??!?! First they get their own bacon, now this? I mean, how many tapes can Pam Anderson fucking put out? Slovakia prolly ain't even a real country, but they STILL kick our fucking asses in porn. Unreal. Seriously, people - I can't do this myself. Well. Actually, I guess technically I do...3 times a day; 4 if I can't sleep. But camon, America!!!!!!
Same Sex Marriage - 8th. 8th. Behind Belgium. Belgium! Hey, I once married a guy in Belgium. Oh wait, I'm lying. Cause as far as we know, Belgium isn't even a real country - they make waffles and film Ricola commercials there; yet we STILL can't marry off enough fags together to beat them. Unreal. As our second president Ben Franklin once said "seriously, we're WAY faggier than fucking Belgium, right lads?"
Sex Trafficking - We're at least in the discussion here, 293K out of 800K cases of sex trafficking taking place in the USA. Though with those numbers I feel like we've pinned all our hopes on sex trafficking while hanging ourselves out to dry re: abortion, porn etc. I'm reminded of the college football coach who, upon reviewing his player's report card that had 4 F's and one D, remarked "looks like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Divorce - finally, a winner! We lead the world!!! Thank you, Newt Gingrich.
Illegitimate Births - We're not even close to being in the top 10 with this one - tho to be fair to ourselves, Shawn Kemp is way old and doesn't really get around the country like he did 15-20 years ago.

Hey, camon America, let's get our asses in gear. Next thing you know we'll be losing our global leads in date rape and 9 year-old beauty queen molestation/murders. Let's pound that collective Red Bull, get off our asses and show the fucking world what we can really fucking do - THEN we can focus on driving our economy into the ground because Grandma says Jesus doesn't like us!! Til then, I'd say Jesus is barely even paying attention to us...and that makes me sad :(

I Mean, Camon...

Is there ANYthing Bush didn't get right??? I mean, gotdam. Don't let this guy read your palm, he'll freak you the fuck out. The day I see him in the front yard with a lawn chair, Bible and sunscreen is the day I know the Rapture's coming. FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!!

Death Be Not a Crowd (Unless it's for Me!)

Speaking of funerals, it looks like 12 people have committed suicide because Michael Jackson died. I'll be honest - I'll be fucking miffed if after I die some Xmastime fan doesn't off him/herself (preferably her.)

Of course...the proportion of people who killed themselves here to the actual number of Michael Jackson fans would be equal to someone, upon finding out I've died, plucking a hair from their arm and ... well, I guess that would be it. Hmm. Disappointing, at best.

FOR A LIST OF CELEBRITIES I WOULD KILL MYSELF OVER THEM DYING, CLICK HERE.

Yankees

It's easy to root against the Yankees as some sort of Evil Empire, which I fully get if you're a fan of another AL East team, but you can't deny how gracious they were to invite the Westhill girl's softball team to join the starting lineup in the field during the National Anthem. Awesome. Reminds me of when they stuck to their word and played Virginia Tech in an exhibition after that shooting massacre in 2007. Say what you will, but no other teams did such a thing.

So take a break from hating them for a few hours. There's plenty of Yankee moments left to hate on, it's a long season.

People Just Love to Play With Words

Where do words come from? I mean, the first 3 letters in FUNERAL are "fun." Is that some sort of joke? Irony in the boneyard? (did I just name my penis?) And the remaining 4 letters are an anagram for "real." A funeral is, in fact, real. But it is not fun. And it surely is not real fun.

Hmm. Ain't that sumpin.

Hey, who's horny?

Oh My God

I just got a tweet from my dick. Jesus christ.

Xmastime, JFK....Creepy?

A coupla years ago I posted on the uncanny, kinda-approaching-outright-creepiness number of similarities between myself and JFK HERE.

Then yesterday, catching a minute of some new, random “How much more personal shit can we possibly dig up on this family of dead people?” doc on the History Channel, it was mentioned that JFK claimed that if he went three days without banging a new woman, he’d get massive headaches.

Which is stunning in that here’s yet ANOTHER thing we have in common - if I go three days without some new tail, I get fucking blinding headaches, if you hit me in the head with a fucking aluminum bat. And if you substitute 1489 days for 3. Also stunning - we’ve probably gotten laid the same amount of times since 11/22/63. Seriously, this shit is getting SCARY!!

The Democratic Party: "Don't Panic People; We Can Still Fuck This Up."

Looks like Al Franken is finally gonna be joining the Senate. Bad news for the Democrats, as this makes it even more of a challenge for them to sprint towards unnecessary compromise in order to water down bills until they’re completely useless and a waste of everyone's time and money. Will be interesting to see how they pull off complete Congressional stagnation and ineffectual cow-towing to the Republican minority now that they've got another voice in their favor. In fact, one might say that once they kill off healthcare by demanding that bills need 90 votes to pass, this will be their finest hour. Awesome.

TEA 2.0

In case you're upset you missed out on a chance to show the world what a fucking idiot you are last April, it looks like you can join your fellow buffoons on July 4 and remind us how wildy ill-informed and stupid you are. God Bless America!!!

Xmastime tea HERE.

and HERE.

aaaaaaaaand HERE.

Obama Sucks

Hmm. It looks like Obama’s approval rating is -2. As in below 0.

Meanwhile, if you did a poll asking how many people are in favor of having a King Cobra gnaw on their genitals, I’m pretty sure the number would be 0. Via the transitive property, we now have a President who is less popular than having your genitals chewed off by a snake. Feeling good about yourselves, America? Hey, maybe McCain WASN'T the worst choice in the world, was he?

Gay Hero Update

I've mentioned my Gay Office Hero several times, including this little gem:

My favorite gay guy in the world just skipped through the office, gleefully telling anyone who would listen that a gay bar just opened across the street from his house, and he's cut down the trees in his front yard. Sigh.

And just now he’s performed an 11-minute dance medley of Michael Jackson’s hits; the last 9 1/2 minutes of which he was completely out of breath. Was killing us. And then, because he’s a hero and that’s what heroes do, he informs us that over the weekend he went to a wedding reception in Tribeca...dressed as Michael Jackson. A wedding at which all the guests were from Indiana. Sigh. Just when you think you can't be any more in awe of somebody, they kick it up a notch.

Bailout Hypocrisy

So I guess Bernie Madoff is getting 150 years in the clink. Whatevs. Me, I’m still waiting for the outrage re: a fund set up by the government to help soften the blow of his “victims.” I ain’t heard the Right screaming about Obama being a Socialist for this one. Hmm. That’s a mystery.

New York's Finest

I don’t know what’s funnier - that the Port Authority somehow tracked down the 12 cops in NYC that aren’t 100lbs overweight, or that 11 out of the 12 “concerned citizens” they’re talking to are white. Pointing, obviously, in the direction of the unsavory black/latino character that is to be apprehended. Awesome.

The non-white is Asian, which opens up the window to my inevitable “an hour later, the cops had to come back and ask him again” joke. HIYOOOOOOOO!!!

Yes Michelle, I'll Still Hit It

Michelle Bachmann is an otherworldly buffoon:

Political experts agree that a few thousand people not filling out census forms may be all it takes for the state to lose a congressional advocate in the nation’s capital. If Minnesota were to lose a congressional seat, Bachmann’s district appears to be candidate for absorption.

It looks like Bachmann (“a politician interested more in being the face of the fringe element than solving the real-life problems of her north-suburban district,”) being a fucking idiot could theoretically contribute to making her own job obsolete, which would actually be the best thing that could happen to a state still trying to recover from losing the Walsh family to California. A while back I wondered if the ability of the internet to showcase all the dumb things Bachmann insists on pummeling us with (ie every single time she opens her mouth) HERE.

Obviously, I'm think of someone like Michelle Bachmann. I won't be able to get through typing this post without news popping up online of her saying something completely retarded. Are Minnesotans come election time gonna decide you know what, this is embarrassing, she's a fucking idiot we hafta get somebody else? Or is it gonna be like the days of when nobody would even hear what she's blathering and vote via the ol' "fuck it, who cares" policy? If a complete buffoon is an idiot in a forest, does anybody know it? Hmm.

Of course, the real casualty here would be the GOP Batshit Olympics, who would be losing it's own Carl Lewis. Hang in there, Michelle.

Amazing TV Day Continued

Pilot episode of The Fresh Prince is on. Wtf???!!!

Does Carlton make my all-time sitcom characters Top 10?

Oh My God

Just when I thought my tv day couldn't any better, look what's on now. Sigh. My squad.

An Amazing 12 Hours of Television

The West Wing pilot
First episode of Band of Brothers
Midnight Run
Cheers pilot
2nd ever episode of The Cosby Show (Rudy's goldfish dies)
Jaws
The Amityville Horror
Tobacco Road: Duke vs. North Carolina

Just Because

Michael jackson VI

So Joe outlived his kid. Fucking horrible :(

Michael Jackson V

One thing about the death of someone as famous as Michael Jackson (and really, is there anybody MORE famous?) is the collective grief his death brings. You can learn a lot from observing people at a time like this, and one thing I've come to learn is that when someone so closely connected to the psyche of a culture dies, the response is to run towards youth. Let's be honest, as horrified as we are about Michael's death, the fact is that his dying has caused a lot of us to reflect on the decades that have passed since our own childhoods - we all remember the first time we heard Michael sing, the first time we saw him dance. When Buddy Holly was killed, the question was "what did rock n roll miss out on?", ie what would Buddy have come up with next? The day the music died, nobody reflected on the "glory days" of 6 months before; the shit had just happened too quickly. But with Michael, we all now have a chance to check back into when we first met him, and thusly have a return to our youth. I maintain this by noting that if I've seen 15 Michael Jackson YouTube "tributes" on blogs, 10 have been of him from the Jackson 5. What does that tell you? We're horrified for Michael, but we're also horrified for the loss of our youth. Even I, the second I heard he was dead, went to a picture from Thriller. Was MY youth, my first icon. I didn't seek a recent picture, and neither did you.

Another unique thing about Michael Jackson is the sheer spread of age of his mourners. I mean, there are people who are 70 years old today that are sad; and, likewise, there are ten year olds. AND EVERY SINGLE FUCKING AGE IN BETWEEN. That's a spread of 60 years; I cannot fathom a wider spread. To use the Buddy Holly example again - the ages impacted by that were probably 12-25, if that. Number one it was as a sudden death, plus that generation did not lend itself as easily to young music as we do today. A good case study is my mother - a devoted Elvis fan, she was 20 years old when the Beatles came to America in February 1964. But I never heard her mention them once; in her mind they were "after her time."

It'a astonishing to think that he's dead. It's even more amazing to think of ourselves.

Gotdam I Love Grant Hart

Last Days Of Pompeii - Grant Hart

TheGuyz

Husky & Big Bear ;)

Oh Shit Here It Is!!!

Glenn has figured out Obama's bullshit for us!!!! We don't hafta even think about it anymore, Glenn's on it!!!!!! In a nutshell, here is how Obama is hoping to destroy America!!!!!!

PLEASE NOTE: Glenn says he is using the scientific method, so that's that. So that is, ta-DA!! checkmate!!

dear socialist fuckstick,

i am well awear of the fact that liberals are immune to logic and reason, but allow me to try to prove to you that you are communist scum thrugh something called the scientific method:

1 a) FACT: you suck obamas cock every chance youget. you defend everythign he does and says and you are nothing more than an apologist. this makes you complicit in obamas actions.

1 b) FACT: obama is a well known socialist. this is evident his policies and his love of SELFDESCRIBED COMMUNISTS LIKE BILL AYERS!!!! so dont thinkthat he can hide his true nature for much longer. he will eventully be exposed and impeached. SOCIALISM CANNOT WORK OR RUSSIA WOULD STILL EXIST AND THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE LOST THE COLD WAR TO REAGAN!!! retard.

1 c) you are thusly a pro forma socialist; whether you like it or not. logic dictates this.

(2) FACT: you, sir, are a illegal immigrant. i dont give two shits whether you are an american citizen or not: you came here on taxpayer expense and you continue to drain our limited resources. you should be ashamed and go back to guatemala or whatever fucking middleeastern asshole you came from and try to sell yor leftwing bullshit there.

(3) FACT: you are also OBJECTIVELY ANTIAMERICAN!!!!!!!! dont even try to deny this for there is ample prof: in 2004 you openly supported the murder of four brave american soldiers in falluja. you tryed to weasel out of your responsiblity, but you cant hide the fact that you hate america and american soldiers and you love al queda and other muslim terrorists who have killed THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS!!!! and will never stop unless they are killed. and whose going to kill them? you? LOL you dont even own a gun because you leftofascists want to repel the second amendent.

(4) FACT: it is clear that you are a socialist illegal immigrant america hater. there is prima facies proof as above. and if logic and science says you are scum then you are scum (remember global warming? no proof, just science and that makes it true for you liberals) no matter what you think. however, i dont think you are a homo, just a homo enabler.

this doesnt mean that we cant have common ground. if you stop publishing antiamerican communist screeds, then i will stop hating you. fair?

sincerely yours

glenn

Humble Beginnings

Today's Footnotes

A la HERE:

I'm often fascinated by uber-footnotes in history; either in pictures (ie. who's the woman in the picture they always show kneeling over the body at Kent State?) or otherwise (ie Raymond Jones - to quote Wikipedia: The Beatles had recorded the 'My Bonnie' single with Tony Sheridan in Germany...Epstein's version of the story was that a customer—Raymond Jones—walked into the NEMS shop and asked Epstein for the "My Bonnie" single, which made Epstein curious about the group.") Who are these people? Has anyone ever interviewed them? That should be a whole book, interviews with these footnote people. There's millions of 'em.

Who the fuck are those guys who chased Hank during 715? Never seen them interviewed. I don't even know their names. Camon. Weeks of death threats sent to Aaron, bodyguards with loaded guns at the ready, then during the record-breaking home run a coupla white guys come from outta nowhere chasing him...IN ATLANTA...and nothing happened? It's ended up being a fun, innocent moment of a footnote. But who are these guys?

I'd Hate to Run Into this Fucking Bird

Ouch

Sax and the Shitty (I Just Made that Up!!!!!!!!)

My favorite sax solos have always been Yakity Yak & I'm Walkin. Here's a website that lists a bunch from the 80's that suck. Enjoy!

The Sumo Division....

...Friday Night Kiddie Fights!!!!!

Lutherans...the Devil's Oven Mitts?

I read earlier today that Martin Luther eschewed the church and it's officials in lieu of a “direct line” to God. ..but wanted to use the Bible as the core of religious faith. Wtf? “Direct line to God”...oh, and let’s use some book put together by human beings hundreds of years ago? Makes no sense to me. Cannot reconcile!!!

Goddam I Love Corporate America

Michael Jackon III

One thing I’ve lamented to friends throughout the years is “Wasn’t it the Jackson 5? As in, aren’t there 4 other people that could step in here?”

I could somehow turn into the single biggest celebrity in the world, yet I cannot imagine a scenario wherein Brothatime!! wouldn’t be able to step in “Dude. You’re embarrassing me, knock it the fuck off” with a high level of effectiveness.

Then again, maybe that’s the difference between becoming famous at 8, and 38.

ed note - I'm only 36, actually. 38!?!? hahahahahaah!!!!!! sigh.

Paddy Mac!!

Hour 7 into spending time with me yammering on and on :)

The West Wing

Final episode is on right now on Bravo. End-of-beloved-series melancholy mixed with thank-god-we'll-be-starting-with-Season-One-again-on-Monday joy. Welcome back Sam & Leo!!!

Michael Jackson, II

1) I've become one of those ghoulish people who repeatedly refresh a celeb's Wikipedia page when they're on their deathbed to see how quickly their death date goes up. I'm not a proud man.

2) I'm not feeling the Ed McMahon/Farrah/Michael celebrity hat trick everyone's ooohing and aaahing over. One everybody probably thought had been dead for years, and another one we've been waiting to die for weeks now. Michael's death was the only real jarring one.

3) One thing that I find myself surprised at throughout the years every time it comes up is the fact that Billie Jean was the first video featuring a black artist on MTV. 1982 is not really set into the consciousness as a year that could include policy-driven racism by such a successful commercial entity, but it was. Pretty amazing.

Michael Jackson

I'm not gonna pretend I'm sitting here crying, it's not like when Joey Ramone or Joe Strummer died. I was never into his music when I was a kid and it was ubiquitous and he was the most famous person since Jesus - hell, I prolly like his music now more than then. Tho I vaguely recall The Gnat "poppin 'n lockin" to Billie Jean at our Fire Hall dances. But there is a sadness to it all, no? Maybe cause of the talent (both in it's rareness and it's waste by the end), maybe cause he always seemed like a frail kid, maybe cause I don't remember NOT knowing who he was. Prolly cause millions of people will always remember him as that bubbly kid smiling and singing his ass off on tv. It's a strange thing when you can ride down a street and know exactly what everybody is talking about. And I'm sad he'll always have the kiddie thing attached to his name. I never believed he actually pulled the trigger on any sex shit with those kids - the odds of parents who are willing to drop their kids off overnight with a stranger simply cause he's a pop star being the kind of people to try to cash in with some lying seems to me exponentially greater than those of him fucking around with any kid. Though yeah, the whole scene was fucking strange. A strange guy.

Of course, it's not my job to sit here and be maudlin. Like Bruce Springsteen playing the night John Lennon died, ("I've seen people digging firebreaks to save their homes, and I've seen some desperate fist fights, and God knows, I've seen hundreds of rock & roll shows, but I have never seen a human being exert himself the way Springsteen did that night in Philly.") it's my job to entertain you motherscratchers. So I will say that, like CS Lewis, Farrah Fawcett picked the exact wrong day to die.

Cliff Huxtable: "No 14 year old boy should have a $95 shirt unless he is on stage with his four brothers."

Dead

To The Dumbassmobile, Poor People!!!! STAT!!

Via HERE:

In addition, Obama touted his proposal to raise more than $300 billion in tax revenue by limiting itemized deductions for people earning more than $250,000 a year.

Oh oh. Looks like rich people might be in trouble...time for middle class fucking idiots to spring to their defense, as per usual, and try to fuck this up. Godspeed.

Yale, Plus Funny Garfield Book Title

A coupla weeks ago I read Areopagitica and was considering finally reading Paradise Lost, which I would’ve read in pretend college had my professor not decided on Garfield Scratches His Balls, Gets the Ick instead. And now, thanks to the UG, it looks like I can fucking study it HERE...seems like the greatest book club in the world, led by a fucking Yale professor. Unreal.

Puzzling, Enigmatic Advertizing

I like how they have the actual word “blow” just in case you don’t get the drift. Well, plus there’s some bitch looking eager to suck some dick. Well, plus that there’s a cheeseburger in the picture.


--------------------------------------------------------------

[Monk's Cafe, Jerry and George.]

Jerry: Didn't go for it, huh?
George: No.
Jerry: So, she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured meats?
George: She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them.
Jerry: Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich.
George: Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral.
Jerry: Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying one of somebody else's.
George: You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
Jerry: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.

Umm...What's He Doing Down There?

It's the Little Things

Walking into the corporate shitter to take a dump, and finding a Daily News in the stall. Sigh.

I'm a Genius, Part XXXIII

The Sports Guy has been taking some shit recently for suggesting Blake Griffin tell the Clippers to not bother drafting him. I of course wrote a while back that drafting basketball players just might not be what Elgin Baylor is good at:

It just occurred to me to wonder what’s been the least effective over the years: torture as an intelligence-gathering device, the War on Drugs, or the LA Clippers. Let’s face it – all three have been disastrously useless and costly. Some more than others, but all three would have no problems being first-time honorees on Mount Suckmore.

As a matter of fact, I think in the interest of “why not try, who the fuck knows what’ll work since nothing else has?” we should simply rotate whoever’s in charge of each program and see what happens. Elgin Baylor has decades of experience throwing millions of dollars down a hole with nary an inch of success, why not let him have a crack at the Drug War? Hey, maybe basketball just never was Elgin’s “thing.” And whoever’s been running the drug war, see what they can do with torture. Torture hasn’t helped us win the Iraq War - it’s been a complete waste of time while simultaneously coming at a great cost to us, which means those brilliant generals who have been running the drug war will be able to fit right in. Again we start out at ground zero, but you never know what a new group of faces will think of when offered a new opportunity, right? And the people in charge of torture taking over the Clippers is a no-brainer; those fans have been tortured for so long already they’ll just lay there and take anything you try with a smile on their faces, right? And do you honestly think Dick Cheney a random CIA agent couldn’t throw a dart at the phone book and make better draft picks than Elgin ever did with the Clippers? Camon.

In all three instances, there is no way to lose, is there? If each new agency in charge continues to suck, so what? Who would even notice? But if one of them cracks open the logjam of worthlessness just a little bit, wouldn’t that be some shit?

My First Scoop!

One interesting thing about working at a gossip rag is that I was able to post about Farrah Fawcett dying before CNN or Drudge or anybody else did. I overheard “Farrah died 6 minutes ago” and BAM!!!...on Xmastime.

I don’t wanna be inappropriate here, but now I feel I gotta be worried that MY generation’s poster girl might be next. What if Heather Thomas got anal cancer? Can I give mouth-to-ass resuscitation? (small, respectful hiyoooooo here with nicely placed head bowing)

Dead

Sanford V

One thing about the whole Sanford thing that nobody is mentioning is how the fuck did we get his private emails? That seems whack.

Mrs. Xmastime

Alexa Chung

Meghan McCain

For some reason I have a soft-on for Meghan McCain. I don't really know why...oh yeah, cause she's only 10lbs over "hot." Hiyooo!!!

But like I said HERE...she needs to accept the fact that she's probably a Democrat; a move which I guess can only happen after Grandpa finally fucking dies.

Now, she caught a lot of shit for her smackdown from Paul Begala HERE. I don't mind that - she showed up as a Republican, stood in there, good for her. When I was her age I got fooled into thinking Crisco was Cisco. So. A professional political operative got off a good line on her, that's the way it goes sometimes.

BUT.

She CANNOT come on a show and, when pushed into a corner, try to solve things with "ooooh, I'm just a blonde!!" like she does in this video. Just like whenever the heat gets turned on Jon Stewart falls back on "we follow sock puppets!!", it's disingenuous and intellectually vacant. You can do batter than that. I hope so, anyway.

It's Greek to Me

I read earlier today that physics is the Greek word for nature. I never knew that; as a matter of fact, if you asked me "what's the Greek word for nature?" and then listed 100 words for me to choose from, I'm pretty sure "physics" would be about my 82nd choice - just after "deodorant" but before "toaster." So maybe I'm an idiot. Ah well. My career in physics HERE.

Meanwhile, here's some cake.

Sanford IV

Vis-a-vis his Argentine mistress, has anybody else made the obvious outsourcing joke yet? No? Yes? Maybe?

Sanford III

There is something tragically human about Mark Sanford's whole deal today. It's sadly obvious via his emails he's really in love with this Argentine woman. So much so that it led him to wander around South America, seemingly befuddled and still so when he gave his press conference today. That's the whack, irrational shit people in love do; different from the usual paying a stockboy to jerk them off shit these guys usually get busted for.. And notice that his mistress is the first person he refers to when he lists the people he's hurt. Has a Charles/Camilla feel to me. Also, there's hope for me that it's possible that some women I've known for 8 years might end up to be the love of my life. So. Just saying.

Of course, he was still a hypocrite who was an outrageously shitty governor. But hey. Am I not human? If you bleed, is it because of my prick?

Rats

I keep smelling spoonbread. Wtf?

Also, Short Bus is in VA for the week. I try to act like I could give a fuck and don't miss him at all, but I have seen Ratatouille twice today. wtf? Grrr.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

In what surely is not one of his proudest moments, an email from XMASTIME to his mistress in Argentina has been leaked to the press...XMASTIME is not available for comment at this time.

Via HERE:

From Xmastime,
Date: Thursday, July 10, 2008, 12:24 a.m.

“One, tomorrow leave at 5 a.m. for New York and meetings. Okay, I'm lying - will wake up round 10am, rub one out thinkin bout you in that 2-piece, then watch Frasier for a few hours. Will think about you and wish I was going to be there later in the month when you are there. But I won't. Or I will. Or won't - who the fuck knows where I'll be, what with my salt-water cleanse going on, the only place I know I'll be is on the shitter most of the day. Anyway, tomorrow night back to 100 Metro through the weekend. Then on Wednesday, as I think I had told you, I am participating in the biosphere experiment, so I will not be able to recieve emails or phone calls (if I get that $36 from you to get my phone turned back on, anyways...WILL I be getting that $36 to have my phone turned back on? Dear heart? Lovebug?) . Few days home then to Virginia for 5 days on a friend’s boat for the last break of the summer. The following weekend have been asked to spend it out in Aspen, Colorado with McCain - I hope Meghan, not John...which has kicked up the whole VD talk all over again in the press back home...

Two, mutual feelings .... You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give an amazing hummer, and that when you played with your pussy for me while I videotaped it still gets my dick rock hard, particularly if I'm playing with my balls in the faded glow of the night’s light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details ...

Three and finally, while all the things above are all too true - at the same time we are in a hopelessly - or as you put it impossible - or how about combine and simply say hopelessly impossible situation of love. How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure. I'm guessing it's the vodka I put into your blottle of Poland Spring that time at the gym, or my "I've lost my puppy, please help me, he's my only friend" story I told you when we met. Yes I am ... still looking. Anyways. As I have said to you before I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these feelings were contained inside my Toughskins and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and the comparing of all too many personal notes on facebook...where, to be honest, I could stand to see more pictures of you in that French Maid outfit I borrowed from my aunt for you to wear (btw I need it back) ...

Lastly I also suspect I feel a little vulnerable because this is ground I have never certainly never covered before ...unlike the ground in front of my Full House poster, if you know what I mean...but that's nerves talking right now, sorry... so if you have pearls of wisdom (restraining from joke here baby!!!!!!!) on how we figure all this out please let me know... In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul.”

Sanford II

Other than the usual eye-rolling re: GOP hypocrisy, I could give two shits if Sanford was fucking some broad in Argentina. But it's beyond telling that he wasn't busted and outed by someone else - his conspicuous, attention-grabbing disappearance coupled with him being gone ON FATHER'S DAY tells us this was political suicide, not homicide. Sanford looked down the barrel of running for prez in 2012 and said "get me the fuck out of this shit."

One thing that is becoming clearer is that these governors labeled by the GOP as "hot picks" for 2012 are complete disasters. Jindal, Palin, Sanford should be considered already toasted and swept under the rug, hopefully for the GOP long forgotten by campaign time. I look forward to hearing Pawlenty's "I saw a UFO" confession next.

Personality Crisis

When we were in high school, my buddy Ryan had a ponytail. The ponytail, however, was short-lived thanks to my little brother. About 4 years old at the time, he walked up to Ryan, young face contorted with confusion. After staring at Ryan for a few minutes, he finally works up a question.

"What's that in your hair?"
"It's a ponytail."
Long pause, still staring...."are you a girl?"
"haha! No, I'm a guy."

To which my brother slowly turns to me and says "then...am I a girl?"

That's what I thought of upon hearing just now that my bff Mark Sanford is admitting to having an affair with some Argentinian woman. Wtf - first the Ensign guy last week, now Sanford...since when did Republicans have affairs with WOMEN??? Aren't they supposed to be fucking little boys? Hey, I like women...am I a Republican???!?!!?!

What's the Word For...

...walking into a supermarket and there being nobody in line at the one cashier open, then after 3 minutes of shopping finding yourself behind 6 people that have somehow appeared from out of nowhere, one of whom has bought a single piece of every fruit on Earth. (head exploding)

Boyfriends

You really hafta give Donna Martin credit - at some point she decided "you know, having a boyfriend who prances around like a complete homo whispering insipid ballads while dancing in parachute pants is bad enough, but I really think I can ratchet things up by dating an earnest by-the-numbers pussy singer/songwriter who at least will slap me around and fuck Valerie behind my back." I mean, is it possible to come up with enough Arby's gift certificates to convince these guys to have an Armageddon-inspired, once-and-for-all Battle of the Unlistenable Bands? Whosucksmorepalooza - winner gets Donna, loser has to play with Andrea's balls.

Stages of Hillary's Life...

...wherein I woulda banged her.

Beatin' Off

Darlene: Trust me. He goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time; which either means he's really, really good at it... or really, really bad at it.
Dan Conner: Aw, God!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer, or something.
Darlene: Well don't worry. How much damage could he do with only one free hand?

While The Contest episode of Seinfeld is one of the greatest sitcom episodes of all time, the Roseanne episode where they find out DJ has discovered the art of onanism is pretty great too. And they actually use the word masturbation in the episode.

Cheney Book

It looks like Dick Cheney is gonna get $2M to write a stunningly laughable steaming pile of nonsense book. I don't have much to say other than I'm fairly confidant that within 48 hours we'll see somewhere online a parody pop-up book, complete with Gitmo torture, the wrong country being attacked, Cheney denying his own daughter's civil rights and of course him shooting his friend in the face while pretend-hunting, among other things. Looking forward to it!

Welcome Back Gov!

I'm sure I speak for the residents of South Carolina when I say that I hope Gov. Sanford, after wearing himself out heroically trying to reject $700m to help his state's schools and stifle double-digit unemployment, is well-rested after a jaunt to Argentina which surely cost the taxpayers no money. I would've recommended cucumbers on the eyes while listening to a radio broadcast of Footloose, but what the fuck do I know?

Asians in the AM

While out and about this morning, I noticed a proliferation of outrageously hot Asian women. All over, banging hot, scantily clad. Wtf. And then I was gonna come here and make a joke re: "and an hour later me so horny again," but I'm just not that kinda guy. I don't go for cheap laughs, or do racial stuff - it's just not me. Oh, it's not something I'll talk about myself, my own high moral standard and constant determination to do what's right, I'm not the kinda guy to pat myself on my back, but if you asked anyone who knows me they'd say "Xmastime, doing the right thing? Yeah, that's him. AND he got a rim job in high school." Just how I roll, guys. If you don't like it, move on.

Belt Buckles

Santelli unwittingly has affirmed what I've believed all along about these tea parties - once again, the lower and middle class are going to bat for the rich.

They vote for them, they send them their own money; and now they're standing in the rain screaming for the wealthy to not be taxed so much. Seriously, how much time out of their day do these people mull over "what MORE can I do for rich people? How quickly can I make sure I flush my own life down the shitter so they can get another condo?"

You know who don't spend a lot of time at things like protests? Rich people. And why would they? As usual, fucking idiots who make a fraction of what they do are doing the heavy lifting for them. Brilliant. - XMASTIME

QUESTION: Wouldn’t that drive private insurance out of business? - question to Obama yesterday.

Once again, the absurdity of normal, working class people wringing their hands over the possibility of Goliath not having crushing, unfettered control over them amazes me. This is like a Royals fan being upset that teams other than the Yankees are allowed to have players that can hit a baseball. And someone still has to explain to me how Republicans can reconcile their love affair with open markets/competition and their claims to be champions of small business (as in crying during every campaign that small businesses are run outta business by health insurance costs) with their outrage over a public option that would encourage competition and help small businesses. Hmm. I'm guessing that much like the AMAZING!!! fair, non-beaurocratic, extremely un-costly healthcare anecdotes I'm still waiting to hear, this answer will not materialize.

Of course, if you're still upset about a healthcare system that is actually affordable and forces insurance companies to actually have to provide service for the money you're already paying, all while curtailing the destruction the current healthcare system is doing to the economy, then there is relief for you in the knowledge that you're in exact lockstep with Charlie Daniels. Which yeah, makes you an idiot, but a colorful one at least with a helluva belt buckle collection.

Say, Doesn't That Mic Look Like a Dick?

So I guess Chris Brown is doing community service in Virginia. And since he and I are from the same hometown, I'm thinking maybe that community service will be done in Tappahannock. I would not consider it a waste of time if Mr. Brown would use a few of those hours to find my fucking letter jacket. I mean, for fuck's sake. How many more years can this thing be passed around for high school chicks to sleep with, dreaming they're with me? I want it back!!!

I'd Hit It

Plus, I'd have 8 rugrats to kick around on camera.  Seriously, how do we get me on this fucking show??!?!!

Oh Look - Republicans are Pretending They'd Be Upset if 6 Million Jews were Slaughtered

When a Democrat questions whether or not we should be in a war that is costing thousands of lives while flushing an endless stream of money down the shitter, they get called traitors who are on the side of the terrorists. I doubt any Republicans comparing Obama to Hitler will receive such treatment, as their target audience are people who like to be worked into a frenzy by faux-tough talk like children with an ice cream cone being dangled in front of them. Sweet.

Today's True Wife Confession

probably from Mamalizza HIYOOOOOOOOO!!!! ;)

Confession #142

Dude, when you use the master bathroom with the door open without the fan on and your stench bubbles the paint on the walls? That's just disgusting. So when you emerge from your nightly shit and start to rub on me and breathe all heavy in my ear? I turn you down because you made our room reek and romance is the last thing on my mind, not because of the ailment du jour I pretend to have. A word or two of advice. Shut the door, turn on the fan, and Oust spray. You might get more action that way.

Today's Press Conference

"Why would it drive insurance out of business?" the president asked. "If private insurers say the marketplace provides the best quality health care, why is it the government, which they say can't run anything, suddenly is going to run them out of business? That's not logical."

What I've been trying to say re: healthcare for weeks now. You would think the GOP would welcome competition from the worthless government against their precious "free market", presumably ending any debate once and for all. But as I said HERE:

McCain has spent his career doing a lot of stupid things, but he is indeed smart enough to know that one way to rally Americans is to point out that megatrionallionaire corporations need to be protected at all costs, even if those costs include your own health. And he knows that while things like "let the market sort itself out" and "real competition creates the free markets that drive down costs for YOU!" work great as hollow jingo-isms at campaign rallies, ACTUALLY letting the market work itself out and REAL competition are things he wants no part of.

You can "meh, I dunno, meh" all day long about costs of any universal healthcare plan. But when you fucking see it in black and white that over 1,300 health insurance companies are "competing" against each other and yet oh gee, they just can't seem to bring costs down, aw shucks! then you need to come to grips that either these genuinely are the most badly run, godawfully atrocious companies on the planet, or you are a fucking fool.

Perspective

Ed McMahon

In early 2004 I started using my now ubiquitous signature "heyooooooooooo!!"; channeling Ed McMahon via Phil Hartman. I hafta say my favorite instance ever was at a dinner party I had; I was throwing out my "heyoooooooooo!!!"s with impunity. Clocking in about one every 60 seconds, killin mugs with it. Was on fire. Til GodIHateYourMarriage mentioned to his wife that he was gonna be outta town for her birthday. She cut him a look to kill as the room collapsed into "oh oh" silence...until from the silence lifted a barely audible "heyooooooo." Brought the house down. Sigh. Memories!!

Leadership

The next 24 hours of Xmastime: written and completed by you. Simply write into xmastimer@gmail.com, and you will have control for 24 hours. Post all you want on Xmastime, this is your chance. GO!

KILL ROCK CITY

Iran

The idea of an Iranian police guard turning on his own people is a fascinating one; certainly one we've read about throughout history. One would think he'd act in accordance with his "real" people - but let's not forget how many people in the colonies were rooting for the British, only cause they had their day-to-day shit to worry about. And that for every hero we read about today in history books, there's thousands of people that were just trying to live their lives everyday. The mass of men lead lives of who-gives-a-shit.

More HERE.

Brotherly Slice

See if you can tell which parts are Joey and which are Mickey Leigh ;)

See May Way - Sibling Rivalry

And someone still has to explain to me why this, even after 29 years, isn't the biggest song of all time. Wtf.

Do You Remember Rock N Roll Radio? - The Ramones

Newest Favorite Blog

A Pizza Girl! :)

In related news, it looks like Pizza Hut is "rebranding" itself thusly:





Hmm. I think if a business that sells pizza is re-evaluating their logo and decides "hey guys, you know what...lose the pizza", I MIGHT sense a loss of confidence in product. Hmmm.



ps - you might recall I have a soft spot for Pizza Hut HERE. And speaking of the Chinn Dome, Happy Birfday Mike! :)

Goddammit

After reading about my bff Mark Sanford having gone missing for a few days, I thought of having the clever headline of "HAS ANYBODY CHECKED UP HIS ASS?" But before I did it I went to take a piss, and while I was patting myself on the nuts they found the fucker. Grrrr.

Cameltoe

Bob Gibson

There's a lot of Bob Gibson quotes, both by Gibson and about Gibson, that are great, including:

When his catcher Tim McCarver went to the mound for a conference, Gibson brushed him off, saying "The only thing you know about pitching is you can't hit it."

"When I knocked a guy down, there was no second part to the story."

Dick Allen said ""Bob Gibson was so mean he would knock you down and then meet you at home plate to see if you wanted to make something of it."

But my favorite Gibson moment comes from an interview with him and Bob Costas last night; apparently with the last pitch of his HOF career Peter LaCock, whom no one had ever heard of before or since, crushed for a grandslam. 15 years later in an Old-Timer's Game, Gibson is pitching and LaCock comes to the plate. And is promptly plunked in the ribs. Awesome.

Glasses. Sigh.

My Palin crush is entirely out of control re: women with glasses. It's getting to the point where if I see a chick in glasses, she has to prove to me that she's NOT hot. Wtf?

I'm Lovin' It

I've pointed out the obvious, i.e. Gov Mark Sanford of SC is an idiot, HERE, HERE and HERE. So obviously I was tickled pink at jagoff's idiocy HERE:

SANFORD: A guy from the northeast did a study on generational accounting. Generational accounting says what is the imputed tax for a young person born in America today? And remarkably, that number is 82, which at all ain’t that far from a thing called slavery. If you’re giving away 82% of every dollar you earn every day and every week and every month, A, it’s not a good deal, B, it collapses the capitalistic system because nobody has any initiative to work at that point, and C, it really isn’t that far from slavery. And what the Republic was originally set up was on the notion that was just talked about a moment ago, which is this larger notion of freedom. And economic freedom is a part of the larger notion of freedom.

I really don't know what I find funnier - the fact that everything he says is completely fucking asinine, or that he bases his whole thesis on something he credits as "a guy from the northeast." Awesome. Was this "guy" anyone in particular? A-Rod? Ben from Ben & Jerry? Or...Jerry? Hmm.

Generations

It was funny watching Paddy Mac this weekend, in that I see a lot of what my brother was like at that age. When each of them have made up their minds, that's it. Period. My brother was the kind of kid that if you tried the 'ol "finish your brussel sprouts or you don't leave the table," it would take the fire department using the jaws of life to pull him out of the house as it burned to the ground to get him to move, sprouts still untouched on the table. I was always the complete opposite; for me it woulda gone like this:

"Eat your brussel sprouts."
"No!"
"You can't leave the table til you do."
"Okay." (eating brussell sprouts.)

Ugh. What a pussy!











"oh, HELL no!"

Gordon Ramsay du Jour

According to a preview to the next episode of The F Word, Gordon's in the woods, grilling some venison they have just shot, skinned and filleted and says "I can't believe deer aren't coming around, this smells fucking amazing." Dying!! :)