The 24 Best Ever

Quotes about food.

Paddy Masshole

This List is Bullshit

How can you have a list of the Top 10 Dickens books without A Tale of Two Cities? Wtf?

"I'm at Times Square...

...heard of it?"

Things I MIss About NYC

When I first moved to New York, one of the things I loved were the outrageously clever headlines that were on the back of the Daily News; I always wished I could be the guy whose sole job it was to come up with them. A favorite I still remember was the Chuck Knoblauch bonehead play in the 1998 World Series. - XMASTIME

Now this one's a double-dip!

 

Thoughts, Barely, By Xmastime

I feel like only old people can say "so, where are your people from?"

Thanks, Obama - MORE Jobs Lost

I read me the fuck outta Team of Rivals and haven't seen Lincoln yet, but one thing I know is that the odds of Daniel Day-Lewis winning the Ocar are whatever is above 100%, and for sure deservedly so.

Funny thing, tho: he's the guy playing the definitive role of THE definitive American not named Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen, and yet...he ain't American.

Hello, America: Out-source much? I mean, really?

Tell you what - I don't wanna be the sorry mf who's gotta tell Jesus and his scrappy, loveable sidekick Baby Jesus that we've outsourced freedom. No sirreebob.

Re-posting for Favorite Playah

This song is fucking awesome, since it combines two of my favorite things: The Archies' classic Sugar Sugar, and debasing women by calling them nasty as they gleefully service me along with all of their hot friends. And, I believe, some nice Chinese racism thrown in ("me ruv you rong time") and prodigious and well-placed use of the term "h8ers" along with the artist repeatedly letting everybody know that he is somewhat comfortable financially. In other words, THIS TRACK HAS IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Opening Line du Jour

Herein lie buried many things which if read with patience may show the strange meaning  of being black here in the dawning of the Twentieth Century.

Goals. I Have Them.

I need to get a girlfriend so that when we get into fights I can use lines from a Springsteen song without her even knowing it, a lá my classic 7/11 chemistry test.

Her: Yeah? Well guess what, I don't need your help!  I don't need anybody!
Me: Oh, really? Don't need nobody, huh? I guess you walk down the street pushin’ people outta your way?
Her: I can be out of here in 30 seconds, you'll never see me again!
Me: Oh, I see - you packed your bags and all alone you wanna ride? Is that it? You don’t want nothin’, don’t need no one by your side?
Her: You're goddam right!
Me: Well let ME tell YOU something - you're walkin’ tough baby, but you’re walkin’ blind to the ties that bind!
Her: Screw you!
Me: Now you can’t break the ties that bind!
Her: I can't believe I opened myself up to you!  I'll never make that mistake again!
Me: OH, I get it - you're so afraid of being somebody’s fool, not walkin’ tough baby, not walkin’ cool.  Is that it?
Her: Never again!
Me: You walk cool, but darlin’, can you walk the line? And face the ties that bind?
Her: What? What's with...ties, what?
Me: Now you can’t break the ties that bind!
Her: No, but I can stop myself from ever falling for anyone again!
Me: Not me, goddamit - I would rather feel the hurt inside, yes I would darlin’, than know the emptiness your heart must hide!
Her: Oh, I'm a heartless bitch now? Fuck you!
Me: Yes I would darlin’
Her: Fuck you!
Me: Yes I would darlin’
Her: Go to hell!
Me: Yes I would baby!

Millenial Falcon

Part of a note from a millennial to Sully explaining why the GOP lost his generation:

We see the Republican party as anti-science, anti-technology know-nothings. We want no part of that.

The Republican party itself will self-correct - it goes by the winds of elections, and a huge group of old, withering, scared white men can't vote forever. The GOP will shed its skin and history will look back with wonder on a generation of voters who demanded to be counted as the willfully ignorant and defiantly stupid. Sad, really.

Deleted Scene from Hoosiers

Who the hell is this chick? Wtf?

ANYhoo, here's footage from the real game, featuring Milan High hero (and Xmastime Hall of Famer!) Bobby Plump.

Thursday Fried Chicken Wrap-Up

Williamsburg's own Pie & Thighs is listed as the best fried chicken in the country. I dunno if I just had slightly bad experience with it - I have better memories of the chicken biscuit, for instance. Plus, it may have been one of those instances in which Op and I don't take a moment to allow the shit to cool down from 78000 degrees before tearing into it.

I still hafta put Bojangles at the top of the list.

And Charlie's Country Pan Chicken fucking rocked.

And Kroger's was always surprisingly good.

Lowery's sucked. Tho I guess I gotta give it points for being my first memory of fried chicken.

And fuck you, Dirty Bird.

Hey look, here's some fried chicken queers. Ride that train, fellas!!

Important Xmastime Announcement du Jour, With a Follow-up Question for My "Audience"

I'm seriously thinking about ditching my glasses and going to contact lenses. Is 40 too late for such a move?

Wow

A letter my own father got to write to me. Ouch!

Xmastime Note du Jour

Unless something drastic happens, such as Sniffy-Wiffy getting caught robbing a liquor store, this month will have the fewest number of posts since January 2008.

You're welcome, Earth.

NYS

Having recently moved there from DC, Sully is trying to come to grips with the fact that NYC isn't so shitty after all.

It took me a little while to realize that most New Yorkers aren’t from New York, that like me, they were all from somewhere else. The stereotype of the “fuhggedaboutit!” NYC asshole is merely that: a stereotype. This was crystalized for me in a moment, about a month after I’d moved there, when I was at a pay phone panicking out of my mind about running late for a job interview and realizing I didn’t have a quarter. Out of the zillions of people walking by I latched my eyes onto Joe Q. Wall Street, in a suit that cost more than I’d be making if I managed to get the job. As my brain was telling me “this New Yorker is gonna tell me to go fuck myself” I heard myself spewing out my dilemma to him, and without breaking stride he said “hey, I’ve been there, buddy!” and happily slapped me a quarter without even slowing down. That’s the secret of New York City – we’re all in it together. Well. Or in my case, were.

Hot Bullshit

Watching ridiculously hot woman after ridiculously hot woman walking down Bedford Avenue is like watching fish in a fish tank. Sure they're beautiful to look at, but I doubt I'll be fucking any of them.- XMASTIME

List of US cities with the hottest people ranks New York City as a lowly 15th. I, Xmastime, am hereby officially calling "bullshit" on these blind jagoffs. I mean, come the fuck on with that bullshit already. There's simply way, way too many hot chicks in NYC.

Here's one now!

Are You Fucking Shitting Me?

Moi, in December of 2006:

1) Who’s the fucking wizard at ABC who, at the Christmas movie scheduling meeting, came up with kicking things off by showing "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on November 28? What the fuck? THE number one Christmas show to watch, Xmas nostalgia rivaled only by "It’s a Wonderful Life", and you know what…why don’t we get this thing outta the way before December even hits so we can make room for new classics like "Christmas at the Mall 3" and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (The Quickening)"? Who signed off on this – I looked and saw that tv has over 75 Xmas movies to fucking show in the next month; how the FUCK could the Charlie Brown one not be the goddam climax to all this?!?!?!?! Why is this not shown on Xmas Eve? Should be the "Christmas Story" marathon up til 7:30, then Charlie Brown followed by "It’s a Wonderful Life", bam! Christmas!!! Who even watches these other steaming piles they throw out every year? I’m baffled. November 28??!!?! Are you kidding me? I can live with them kicking off the Xmas season early, but why not save the best for last instead of vice versa? This is like fucking Jessica Alba before you’re even horny or hard so that you can hurry up and get to jerking off to the Sears catalog. 

Here we are, AGAIN on a November 28, 6 years later, and guess what's coming on tonight? Just the other day I was lauding the powers that be for actually showing the Thanksgiving special the day before you know, Thanksgiving. and yet they're fucking scratching the Christmas classic off their list before November's even out. AGAIN!!!!!!

Good fucking grief.

SIDE NOTE: also great in the linked Things are Good is my classic black people are scared of dogs but not me riff. Sigh.

Everybody Gotta Go Lotto Lotto

I ponied up $2 for Powerball so I'm abouttsta be crazy rich (peace out, bitches!) so of course I need everybody to see everything I've ever written about the fucking lottery.

One curious thing is I can't seem to glance at a tv or article online without people whining about how much it actually sucks to win the lottery, basically telling us common people to not even bother playing/dreaming. I mean, wtf? This sounds an awful lot like rich folks a coupla years back:

1) Recently I’ve picked up on this Glenn Beck guy; another right-wing talk show host that just tickles me to death. Unintentionally hysterical. Anyways. Bout 2 weeks ago or so I turn him on, kinda not paying close attention, and after a bit I start to notice what he’s ranting about. He’s imploring for us to understand that money does not bring happiness. PLEADING! He starts going on and on and on that great wealth and fortune brings NO happiness! You do NOT want to find this out the hard way!!! He goes on for like 15 minutes, pleading with us to not shoot for great wealth. He doesn’t offer alternate sources of happiness like family or faith or anything; just whatever you do, don’t try to become rich!!! Kinda weird, I think.

Then last week I see THIS article on cnn.com
What the fuck? Did all the rich people get together and decide to try to keep everyone else from becoming rich? “Don’t let them join our club!!!” Is this their plan, to tell us oh, just how MISERABLE they are!! Being rich ain’t like it used to be, it blows!! Really? When did this happen? Hey, my life sucks now; if I’m gonna be miserable I might as well be on a huge yacht with some titties in my face, no? And are people really gonna start saying “you know what guys, looks like being rich sucks, let’s stay poor.” Are models gonna start doing this? “Oh girls, being thin and beautiful is awful!!!! Do yourself a favor and eat anything that moves til you’re a big fat fuck!!” 

I’m calling conspiracy here.

On a side note, that edition of Things are Good has always been my least favorite. Very weak. My own Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite, if you will.

So, This Is Happening

Boy Meets World spinoff show.

What took so long?

What I liked/didn't like about the show HERE.

Of course, as I mentioned before the real spinoff we wanna see is Eric & Mr. Feeny!

Please Please Me

Starting today, Brow Beat will follow the Beatles every week in “real time,” 50 years later, from their first chart-topper to their final rooftop concert. We begin with the Fab Four’s first No. 1 hit, “Please Please Me,” recorded on Nov. 26, 1962.

 Last month I pointed out tat we should prepare for an 8-year onslaught re: 50-year anniversaries of everything The Beatles did, and today begins Brow Beat over at Slate, kicking things of with the great Please Please Me, which they recorded 50 years ago today and became their first #1 hit.

Everything you nauseatingly wanted to know about the song HERE.

My favorite thing about the song is in the final verse when John Lennon massively garbles the words, but the take is so exciting they say "fuck it" and leave it as is. Superslice!

Oh for Fuck's Sake

Fables tell of men who fell
With swords dangling from their chest
The old guys down at the taproom swear
The Japs could kill you best - Round Eye Blues, Marah

This is how petty we've become: older veterans are now whining that they had it worse than newer veterans.

Classy.

Look, every generation considers the generation after it to be bigger pussies than themselves. It's a rite of passage, it's how its always been. Yes, Grandpa played with a leather helmet. Is he tougher than Ray Lewis? Hell no.

Bother Me

Last year HERE I posted about the 15 year-old girl from Queens who was responsible for the first-ever playing of The Beatles on American radio, but now I find out about Marcia Rauback, who met George Harrison in the summer of 1963 when he was in Illinois visiting his older sister:

...the first American disc jockey to play a Beatles song in the United States in the summer of 1963. (Marcia's junior year of high school) she met a young lad from Liverpool, England. His name was George Harrison. Marcia had worked for her father's radio station, WFRX, in West Frankfort, Illinois. Marcia interviewed George in the summer of 1963 on WFRX. Marcia got a sneak preview of the Beatles' music, and also a Beatles photograph signed by George Harrison! Thanks to Marcia, Illinois became the birth place of the Beatles music in North America.

According to the book I just read that tipped me off about this girl, nobody's found a tape of that interview (yet!)

Nutshelled.

Oh, I Give the Fuck Up Already

Yet another brilliant Xmastime idea stolen and ca$$hed in.

Moi in May 2011:
There should be a website where you can upload a photo of a woman you have a crush on, and it gives you the name of the porn star she most closely resembles.
Apparently this exists now:

SexFaceFinder positions its service as a way for users to find a performer that looks like a specific person. Or to find performers that look like the user's favorite type of model, in an effort to engage the user with a service that closes the marketing gap between a user and their fantasy. Another company, Naughty America, openly solicits users to upload images of girls found on Instagram and other internet destinations in an effort to find the photo's subjects in porn - or find celebrity look-alikes, girlfriend and ex-girlfriend look-alikes, or similar/specific porn performers.

Grrr.

Chuckin' 'n' Fuckin;...okay, mostly chuckin.'

JERRY: I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a
chucker.
GEORGE: Oh I'm a chucker.
JERRY: That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot.
GEORGE: I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do
not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck!
JERRY: You chuck.
GEORGE: Kramer am I a chucker?
KRAMER: You're a chucker.
GEORGE: All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me?
JERRY: Well it's not an easy thing to bring up. - THE BOYFRIEND, PART 1

I was a gunner. A shooter; if I get the ball and you’re on my team, get your ass back on defense cause you ain’t getting the ball back. I had no time nor interest in passing. And my disinterest in playing defense was such that even in three on three I’d somehow insist on playing zone. If forced to play man, I’d teach my teammates a lesson in the first few minutes by letting my man blow by me for an easy layup, during which I’d yell at a teammate “switch!” and collapse on the ground in laughter.  - XMASTIME

My years of chucking finally vindicated on Grantland with its All-Chucker Team.

Which, of course, I still have to pass on to Big Bear, who apparently enjoys the game even without shooting. Mind-boggling.

The Best of Frasier Crane

My personality test results here. Was really hoping I’d hit “Submit” and it would come back with “You’re Awesome!” or “Denzel –is that you??!?!!” I don’t know what any of it means, but apparently I’m a mix of Sally Struthers, Danny Glover and Donald Duck. I’m fat, too old for this shit and don’t wear pants. In other words, these tests are fucking dead-on. Wow.

Buh Bye Becks

David Beckham is retiring from the MLS.

Gee, he really changed soccer in America, didn't he?

America. We Did It.

Fried chicken, without all that pesky meat to worry about. 

And that's nowhere near the whackiest fried shit on this list. Wow.

Oh, Fuck This Little Shit

If you wanna be lectured on how to make bows for your violins by some little shit, you'll wanna go here. Ha!  :)

Previous "I wanna punch this little shit" classics HERE.

Three Things I Like

Roseanne, Christmas lights, and wood paneling.

Xmastime Confessions

I'd always considered Hysterical Blindness to be a female version of Road House, never being able to go more than a few minutes without guffawing at the implausibility of anything said or done. Upon viewing it the other night for the first time in years, I must say, while Uma's cringe-inducing patheticness was great, Juliette Lewis should've won an award for her performance; every single line of look or movement from her was perfect. Granted, she seems to have been playing herself, but still, pretty amazing. And to compare the movie itself to Road House is insulting, and I apologize.

Thoughts, Barely, By Xmastime.

It's not that Republicans are history's greatest monsters, it's that they've become the embarrassment of a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving who needs to be quietly escorted from the dinner table, once and for all.

Pathetic.

It's pretty sad to watch John McCain flailing, kicking and screaming like a child for attention, any attention, vis-a-vis his calling for Susan Rice's head. Well, it would be sad if he wasn't just so damn pathetic about it. Mostly, I agree with this guy: it's tough to take McCain's thoughts  on anyone being qualified for any job seriously when he was the one who tried to put Sarah Palin one (incredibly old) heartbeat away from the presidency. I mean, come the fuck on with that shit already.

Crashing

Annie: (voiceover) When Crash hit his 247th home run, I knew the moment it happened. But I'm sure nobody else did. And The Sporting News didn't say a word about it. 
Crash: I quit. I hit my dinger and I hung them up.

In the beginning, I blistered through thousands and thousands of posts; until recently, I'd rarely go a day without at least 15-20 posts. Now I just don't seem to do as much. I'm at 17,225 posts and I know I'll eventually make it to 20,000, but it will probably be like Crash Davis: limping across the finish line, and with nobody giving a shit.

It's Officailly Christmastime

You-know-who broke out Santa Claus is Coming to Town the other night. So that's that.

Nerds.

Alyssa Rosenberg mentions something called "fake geek girls", which are a thing. I've witnessed them. And they remind me of hipsters:

One of the more annoying things it seems very important for hipsters to do is excitedly tell you how "uncool" they are, which is hipsterese for "doesn't that make me cool?"

No.  It doesn't.

Growing up when I did, it was unfathomable to see someone tripping over themselves to tell you how uncool they are, and yet now it's a "thing." Godfathered possibly by the curious need for hot chicks to convince everybody how "goofy" they are:

A truly funny female is rare enough (shout out to Hitch), we certainly don't expect you to be hot AND funny. One or the other is enuff. And, to be honest, we prefer hot. Trying to pound us over and over re: “look at me; I’m so clumsy!” to show us you’re “normal” and "funny" isn’t endearing or, ta-da!...funny. Wow, hot girl tripping. My sides are splitting. Does she think she’s SO hot she has to now counterbalance this with goofiness? Like Charlize Theron, who cannot seem to do a movie anymore unless she’s required to cover her face in moles and wear a dead mouse for an eyepatch. Camon. Did John Holmes ever try to prove something by saying “look, I can’t make rice!! I’m just like you!!” No. He said “I have a huge dick, you’re paying to see it.” And he died of AIDS!!!!

Of course I blame Tina Fey and Whitney Cummings for this "fake nerd chick" bullshit. Fuck that shit.

We're Gonna Die. Great.

Via HERE:

First, 95% of all the stars we see around us today were formed during the past 11 billion years, and about half of these were formed between roughly 11 and 8 billion years ago in a flurry of activity. But the real shocker is that the rate at which new stars are being produced in galaxies today is barely 3% of the rate back 11 billion years ago, and declining. This indicates that unless our universe finds a second wind (which is unlikely) it will only ever manage to produce about 5% more stars than exist at this very moment. This is, quite literally, the beginning of the end.

Of course, I called this years ago. Duh.

No Loyalty with This Generation

Part of the reason Brooklyn has an NBA team now is that I agreed to leave Brooklyn. So imagine my outrage to find that after martyring myself, Big Bear and Cherry Bomb are Knicks fans. I mean, really. Thanks guys.

Updated Self-Awareness

I’m not scared of dying. If I do something that pisses someone off and they shoot me, okay. I get a fatal disease, okay. But completely RANDOM death has always scared the hell outta me. Bird shits on windshield, dude swerves, knocks into bike messenger who plows over me. Someone shoots at someone else, bullet dislodges a brick that lands on my head as I’m walking by oblivious. That shit scares the fuck outta me.- XMASTIME

Upon seeing this, I'm reminded that I seem to be less concerned about living a meaningful life as I am dying a stupid death.

Secession

Finally, something funny out of Williamsburg since I left:

“I live in Williamsburg,” Ian MacAllen tells us. “Or East Williamsburg. It all depends on the year, the real estate broker, the cab driver, the girl you are trying to impress. For people who know the difference, I tell them Graham Avenue.” His petition, which calls on the federal government to “peacefully grant the neighborhood of East Williamsburg to secede from Williamsburg and create a new, hipper neighborhood,” currently has one signature. But once the hardcore punk DIY crowd at East Williamsburg’s Huckleberry Bar hears about this, it’s going to catch fire.

True Dat

Sully on the whole Hostess meltdown:

What's vexing to me is that just as Colorado and Washington have legalized the munchies, Hostess bellies up. That does not seem to me to be good timing.

State du Moi

Finally watching Gosford Park for the first time. And seeing the opening credits list Xmastime faves Stephen Fry and Tom Hollander makes me (quite literally) click my heels together with joy.

The American Catholic

Via Sully:

One feature of this last election was the complete failure of the Vatican hierarchs to dictate the vote to the flock. American Catholics voted for Obama over Romney. The docile fools in dresses - from Dolan to Chaput - were ignored as they now routinely are, and should be. They actually think they still have moral authority. But moral authority has to be earned with each generation, and the corruption in the Vatican is so deep and so rotten and so incapable of self-reflection it has effectively created two Catholic churches in America: those few in the pews who still listen to the bishops and those who exist almost in a parallel church, focused on their own parish, their own priest, and their own faith, which remains, for many of us, undimmed. 

I never imagined the Catholic Church would stick its nose into American politics as much as it has recently. To say it is unseemly is an understatement. To say it seems to champion the opposite of what its base message is supposed to be is an understatement. Good for us for telling them to go stuff themselves during the election.

Fuck Luke Russert

Luke Russert thought he was doing some "hard journalism" by pushing Nancy Pelosi earlier today on why she and her fellow old people were taking up space in Congress:

"Excuse me!" interjected Russert, who was asking a question that was inevitably going to come up. "You, Mr. Hoyer, Mr. Clyburn, you're all over 70. Does staying on prevent younger leadership from moving forward?"

"So you're suggesting that everyone move aside?" asked Pelosi.

"No, I'm simply saying that to delay younger leadership from moving forward ..."

"Let's, for the moment, honor that as a legitimate question, even though it's very offensive. You don't realize that, I guess. The fact is that everything I have done in my, I guess, decade now of leadership, is to let younger and newer people come up. In my own personal experience, it was very important for me to elect young women. I came to Congress when my youngest, Alexandra, was in college. I knew that men who came here in their 30s had a jump on me."

As you already know from here, I'm perfectly furious about Congress being run by old motherfuckers. But if someone's gonna present the "gee, do you really deserve this?" card, it shouldn't be some kid whose sole purpose for existing on any kind of national stage is due to everybody feeling bad for him because of his dead father. I man, come the fuck on already with that shit.

Three Years Ago Today

Via Xmastime:

Having completely exhausted any reason to procrastinate, I have finally written the first page of my book on being a Manny. Page two might be a while, as I've decided to become obsessed with buying an eraserboard and using it to storyboard stuff, like I saw Larry and Jerry doing on Curb Your Enthusiasm. So.

REM Cover du Jour

Well...They DO Say You Gotta Hold On To What You've Got, Right?

The King

I still find it hard to believe that there's a funnier motherfucker on the planet than Eddie Murphy. - XMASTIME

Watching the Spike TV One-Night-Only thing on Eddie Murphy has easily validated my old argument, and I use that term loosely in this context, with my idiot friends who tried to insist that Chris Rock was funnier. I mean, come the fuck on already with that shit.

Three Petitions I Signed Today

Via this site:

1. Dump the Trump. Not just from Macy's really, but from whatever else he's involved with these days. Though I'd love to get a peek at what I'm sure is his already-scripted "Macy's has always been a loser!" Tweet.
2. Could the Papa John's asshole quit threatening to fire his workers because we might hafta pay 14 cents more for his shitty pizza?
3. Bury power lines in towns, so every time there's a stiff breeze we don't hafta spend billions on disaster relief. I mean, enough's enough already with that shit, right?

Well.

If you're looking for something that's horribly offensive yet fucking hysterical, you can stop looking.

AND a What's Happening?! reference?!?!?!? Wow!!

Xmastime Headlienes

Ride Like the Wind

Interesting article HERE on how Jimmy Fallon is changing the late-night music game.

Take Bruce Springsteen, a dream guest of Fallon’s. \When they finally found an opening, around the rerelease of Darkness on the Edge of Town, Cohen and his team showed a willingness to break from late-night conventions: Instead of having just one song at the end, they dedicated the whole show to Springsteen, who in turn gave a two-part interview, did a cover of a pop song by Willow Smith, and dropped his usual E Street Band to do two vintage tracks with the Roots. It was the most exciting evening of music on late night in recent memory.

Besides of course the classic Bruce appearances, Fallon had the the idea to bring Christopher Cross and Michael Mcdonald together, a fantasy league pick for someone my age when it comes to "soft rock of the early 1980's." When they talk about careers that were wiped out by the arrival of MTV, Cross' name is the first name on the list and it' easy to see why, so it's good to see he's still...rocking. Sorta.

Good for Fallon, who seems to have the enviable job of filling his music booker's ear with whatever dream guests he can come up with.

DISCLOSURE; No, this performance in no way comes close to being as awesome as a certain someone's take on the song, but hey, good on the guys for trying, right?

SECOND DISCLOSURE: Originally, I embedded the Cross/Mcdonald video in this post, but it turns out every time you visit Xmastime it starts playing whether you want it to or not, which is annoying as fuck. So I'm switching things out by linking to the video HERE and pleasing you by embedding a certain someone's take on the song below. You're welcome, Earth.

Things I Don't Understand, by Xmastime

I really don't understand why there isn't a tv channel dedicated to playing The Beatles Anthology 24/7.

I Think I Know Why These Wars are Taking So Goddam Long

My Prayers. They've Been Answered.

http://palinography.tumblr.com/

NOT safe for work!!!....or within 12 feet of me.

Mukluks: God

The Future GOP

From what I can tell, the GOP's solution to righting their own course after last week's election is to suddenly become as much like the Democrats as possible in order to win elections again. Of course, they'll still hafta call themselves Republicans, since god forbid they say "fuck it, let's just do what the Democrats do", which Burger King FINALLY had the brains to say re: McDonald's. But they won't, since of course identity politics means we start with titles and work back from there. As I wrote brilliantly almost four years ago:

What's annoying about this little speech is that instead of looking at how she thinks about things Meghan McCain doesn't say "hey, maybe I'm actually a Democrat." Instead, she calls herself a Republican and then works her way back from there. You can't be a dude who fucks other dudes but claims not to be gay cause you call them "women." "I'm a Republican but cool with gay people." Hey, you know who isn't? Republicans!

Before too long the GOP will see loosening up on hating gays as an easy way to squeeze back a few more votes; they'll say "see? look at us, so progressive!!" and expect everybody to stand up and applaud.

Hey, if you hate gay people and think they should have no rights, fine. That's you. But the point is, I'm less interested in seeing people pretend to embrace certain things as a course of winning elections than I am that the number of people who think like that becoming fewer and fewer until they've completely faded away. Almost by definition the GOP cannot be "progressive;" yet we had an election in November that showed that the majority of us are. Being a Democrat or a Republican isn't something you choose because you like the uniforms - and clinging to one may mean you're only slowing down progress that you yourself are actually in favor of.

And yes: I'd still bang Meghan McCain.

Xmastime Hall of Famer

11 Badass Neil deGrasse Tyson quotes!

Ouch:

“After the 9/11 attacks, when President George W. Bush, in a speech aimed at distinguishing the U.S. from the Muslim fundamentalists, said, ‘Our God is the God who named the stars.’ The problem is two-thirds of all the stars that have names, have Arabic names. I don’t think he knew this. This would confound the point that he was making.”

Zinger du Jour

If you are head of CIA and can't keep your affair secret maybe it is time to find a new job. - The Rambler

In Case You're Worried Bruce Springsteen Isn't Getting Enough Attention

Springsteen & I film project, for which you can film yoiurself talking about how awesome Bruce is:

Springsteen & I is a call out to YOU, the fans, to make a film about Bruce and what he means to you. We want your most personal insights, abstractions and reflections on how Bruce Springsteen and his music has affected your life. Springsteen & I is an open invitation to people all over the world to share stories that celebrate one of the greatest storytellers of our generation.

Hmm. That looks like fun. If only anyone here knew anyone who had met Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen and has a story to tell. Well, and his mom. And sister. And his Uncle Carl. But I guess we'll never know, huh? I mean, after all, some of us like to keep our private meetings with Springsteen and his mother and sister and Uncle Juan just that: private.

Hmm. I wonder if any of my fans will now launch an Xmastime & I project....

Obama

Watching Obama's emotional address to his volunteers makes me sad that I wasn't a part of anything like that when I was 25 years old. But then, what was there? Clinton was on cruise control by then.

Also, it makes me think that for all the times we wanna compare him to Reagan/Lincoln et al, there's a lot of Bobby Kennedy there, both in himself and the people he inspires.

Happy Birfday!

To my goddaughter!!!

"Oh, just gimme the thing and back the fuck up!"

 

A Tale of Two Sisters:

"Yeah. I don't think so."

"Weeeeeell, don't mind if I do!"

Red Alert Buy!!!

I've blathered here for years about my favorite book Peter Leroy, including my favorite story Take the Long Way Home HERE.  And now, TODAY ONLY!!!! you can download a copy of Take the Long Way Home for free HERE!!!!!

HURRY! You have until 11am tomorrow morning!!

Xmastime Memories

From April 2009:

Whenever I read a book I automatically assign the setting (at least the primary one) to one I already know; for some reason it’s almost always from my childhood. I have no idea why, or if this is how everybody does it. If I read the same book 20 years later, I immediately recapture that scenic setting, no matter what. I may forget the characters, I may have no memory of what the fuck happened; I may swear it was originally in Chinese - but I always have the exact setting in my head.

But apparently I’ve officially run out of places from my youth and am now using the same scenic backgrounds for different books, like theaters do for plays; or cartoons used to for background cells. Cause I read The Metamorphisis a few weeks ago, and now for “The Mark Halling Loves Soft Rock Music Reading Club” I’m reading Crime and Punishment and they both take place in the same room - my childhood neighbor Shelly’s bedroom. Wtf?

I'd add the boarding house near the beginning of An American Tragedy to this setting as well - the one where Clyde sets up his foot locker, and then the street lights under which he walks to meet his lady friend for a late night rendezvous always play out in my head at the same house as above. Whack.

Catching the First Snow Flakes of the Year! :)

None in Richmond tho. Grrr.

Election Night Wrap-up

Historically great night for women and gays. This, along with Obama being re-elected, means yesterday was the worst day for straight white men since  the Duke lacrosse team decided to "kick things up a notch"  OJ walked.

Hahahahaha!!!….but seriously, the day Lincoln freed the slaves was way worse, of course.

Good Riddance

Lost in the Obama excitement last night is the fact that that total shithead Allen West lost re-election.

Here's a list of the 16 dumbest things this idiot said in Congress. How they narrowed it down to 16 is a miracle.

Also losing is Xmastime favorite Joe Walsh, who very quickly clawed his way into the GOP Batshit Olympics with a fairly impressive canon of bafflingly stupid shit pouring out of his dumb fucking mouth, including his piece dé resistance, being annoyed that his opponents' war service, during which she lost both of her legs, came up during the campaign. Unlike when John McCain ran, according to Walsh.Well, now Joe's got more time to worry about kicking his deadbeat dad game up a notch, I guess.

See ya, dumbass!

Does This Make Me Better Than You?

In a word: yes.


Via.

Election, X

One thing's for sure: Sarah Palin's next Facebook post will be a thoughtful, classy tip o' the hat to President Obama, with nary an insinuation that America has screwed itself by re-electing a Kenyan warlord born with the sole purpose of carrying out a plan to destroy freedom, Jesus, and his scrappy, lovable sidekick, Baby Jesus. I'm sure.

Election, XI

Obama bucked the Redskins Presidential Rule - perhaps because of all people, Marley had deserted the Skins? Did...did Marley cripple the Republican Party?!?!!?!?

Obama also broke this little streak:

Since election day was standardized in 1845 there have been 6 presidential elections held on November 6th and Republicans have won all six.

Election, IX

I've never been a pot guy, but this seems like it's about fucking time:

Washington voters made their state the first in the nation to legalize recreational pot use on Tuesday, setting up a showdown with a federal government that backs the drug's prohibition.

The outcomes of related measures in Colorado and Oregon were uncertain.
The measure sets up a system of state-licensed marijuana growers, processors and retail stores, where adults over 21 can buy up to an ounce. It also establishes a standard blood test limit for driving under the influence.

Election, VIII

Xmastime buddy Marley a coupla hours ago:

I like to be first in a concession. Congratulations to the president and to all my friends who are his supporters.

Classy in the end. And don't fret people, he'll be back! :)

Won't you let old Marley in?

Election, VII

Maybe Donald Trump really IS amazing - apparently, he was on Twitter back in 2000. Wow.

Election, VI

FOX News concedes Obama wins 2008 election, sets sights on 2012.

Good.

Thank god my post below will not hold. Four more years.

Ain't That America

A coupla weeks ago people started wondering where Mitt Romney kept coming up with his 12 million jobs number that he was throwing around every time he opened his mouth, until it was pointed out that that's pretty much the exact number of jobs experts say will be grown over the next four years no matter what happens. Now, with the economy finally recovering, Slate has an article pointing out that whoever is president during those years will be hailed as the genius savoir of the country.

How tragicomic is Obama's situation if he does in fact lose tonight? Before him came a guy born on third base who inherited a surplus and then left the place a complete disaster. So then Obama comes in and has to clean everything up, only to have ANOTHER guy born on third base breeze in and run his victory lap for him.

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or sing a John Cougar Mellencamp song. Damn .

Election Day, V

The internet now is marveling over the fact that no matter how outrageous their claims are (Dick Morris) or how many times their predictions are wrong (everybody), no pundit ever goes punished or is held responsible afterwards. At all.

TNC:

Dylan Byers endorses the notion that Nate Silver's rep will "take a severe hit" if Romney wins. But if Silver is exactly right Byers, who implied that Silver was overrated, will take no hit whatsoever. Joe Scarborough will still have his show. And Peggy Noonan will still be able to assert the significance of her feelings. And I will go into class tomorrow and try to explain to 19-year-old kids why this sort of journalism can give you a plum place in the world of media but can't get you out of an undergraduate writing seminar.

James Fallows:

In pundit-world, the losers never have to pay off. You can assert with blowhard certitude that this or that candidate looks strong, this or that voting bloc is going to turn out, this or that strategy will be effective. If you're right, you play up that fact. If you're wrong, no one seems to notice or care. In Vegas, you have to pay up. In pundit land (or "we need to invade Iraq, now!" land), you just move on.

Sully's had it with the Dick Morrises of the world.

XMASTIME, in 2011:

As I wrote rather brilliantly and probably without pants HERE, getting paid millions of dollars to have such an incredible amount of influence in spite of repeatedly being wrong is a very unique thing.  Most of us get fired if we fuck up 2-3 times; meanwhile, these people get invited back again and again.  Baffling to me.   It's like the line Bill Madden of the NY Post likes to bring out about a manager who goes through his bullpen "in search of the reliever who doesn't have it."

XMASTIME, 2009:

A few years ago I was reading an article over at Sports Illustrated by Dr. Z. In the beginning of the article, he was laughing at himself for how poorly he had done the previous year of, after much analyzing and years of study on the subject, forecasting how each team would do that year in the NFL. He was wrong about most everything, he pointed out. Then he went on in the article to make....the next year's picks. About halfway through I'm like, if this guy was so wrong last year, why the fuck am I reading his picks for this year? Then I did a little research, and it's turns out he's ALWAYS pretty much wrong all the time.

Of course, that's just football picks. A game. But it seems like sports forecasters, weathermen, CEOs and financial "experts" pretty much can be wrong 100% of the time, and still not only keep their jobs, but make tons of money at them. This is a luxury the average working American does not have. I can probably leave Short Bus behind at the White Castle by himself 2 or 3 times before his parents decide "it might be time for a change." Hell, I'll prolly be fired for imagining it here. 

XMASTIME, 2011:

And I didn't even mention the bizarre string of "political pundits" we have on tv 24/7 as I did HERE and HERE where I wrote about the curious policy wherein no matter how many times a "pundit" or "expert" comes on tv and is 100% wrong about whatever is coming out of his pie-hole, that person is repeatedly asked back, and at no time does it occur to anybody "maybe we should get someone who is at least occasionally right about something?" What does it take to fire these people? They're like Tim Riggins from Friday Nights Lights - no matter how many times they get caught getting shitfaced and driving police cars off cliffs or defiling 12 year-old girls, not only are they allowed to stay on the team, but continue to have cheerleaders shot into their bedrooms with a cannon. Dave Weigel sums it up nicely:

But that's sort of the point: There is no real downside, at least in Washington, for being wrong.

Once you're in you're in, and there's seems to be no way out. Incredible.

Election Day, IV

If I'm being honest with myself, I cannot say voting against George Allen this morning displeased me.

Election, III

9:23am - FOX News just called the election for Romney.

Election Day, II

Election Day approaching means I have an excuse to re-post my favorite email of all time, sent by Marley on Election Day four years ago:

"I can't wish you luck (it appears you won't need it), but I do wish you and the new president well.

I hope the lines are not too long for tomorrow's voting."

Still dying!  :)

Election Day

If I'm being honest with myself, I cannot say voting against Eric Cantor this morning displeased me.

When This Boy Mets World and then Some More Shit

1990s nostalgia seems to be running hot; the other day I posted about a special Boy Meets World episode, and today we find out there may be a GASP...spin-off:

Casting is under way on the project from Boy Meets World executive producer Michael Jacobs. There is no official word on whether Savage or Fishel, who portrayed Cory and Topanga, respectively, would return to reprise their roles should the follow-up make it to the pilot or series stage.

FUCK THAT! I demand an Eric/Feeny/Jack show! Now THAT would be funny!!!! (Time is running out...Feeny is 85)

Jesus and His Scrappy, Loveable Sidekick, Baby Jesus Inconsolable as Gov Cuomo Officially Hates America and Freedom

Obama Loses Bet, Has to Hug Old Guy

"Seriously? You're telling me they can't do half pepperoni and half veggie? Are you KIDding me?"

The GOP vs. Nate Silver

Nate Silver has proven to be the perfect monster to Republicans: he's gay, he's a part of the blamestream media, and he adheres to that most mystical of the unpredictable black magic arts for which there can be no real quantitative measure; some anti-Jesus nonsense called, and I believe I have this right, "mathematics." So you can see why they dismiss him so easily. Of course.

Great Question

Man, I loves me some Stove Top - if my brother was the Puddin' Boy growing up, I was the Stove Top Boy, as it was my job every Sunday to make the stuffing. I liked it slightly dry, and with more butter than water. XMASTIME

Why the fuck do we only eat stuffing once or twice a year?

This is plain wrong, because bread stuffing is one of the most forgiving, fragrant and inspiring dishes imaginable. When made from scratch and seasoned right, it is rich, moist and savory, shot through with different textures and flavors that give cooks plenty of room to play. That basic amalgamation of starch, fat and aromatics is indisputably delicious. 

It wasn't my sister-in-law Pam's Hall of Fame sausage stuffing, but every Sunday dinner we had when I was a kid included Stove Top stuffing, and it was great.

And yes, I still have dreams of a Stove Top-only restaurant, fuck you very much.

America

"And what the hell is Neil Diamond doing here" - ancient Xmastime running gag from the mid-late aughts.

Here's Neil calling voters for Obama.

How fucking weird is it seing Neil Diamond in real life, not being "Neil Diamond"? And you KNOW the woman across from her is calling all her friends "ohmygodimsittingacrossfrom neilfuckingdiamond!!" instead of shilling for Obama. Awesome.

Irony.

This is for No Doubt, who apparently pulled some video of theirs today featuring cowboys & indians for being too non-pc, therein making themselves indian givers. Hmm.

"Oh, Shit - Are You Guys Mugging Me?!?!?!"

Quote Predictions by Xmastime

"I sure am gonna miss all the political ads starting tomorrow" - Nobody on planet Earth.

Perspective. Time is Nuts.

Via TNC:

In 1996, Jay-Z released Reasonable Doubt. Daisy Anderson, widow of escaped slave and USCT veteran Robert Anderson died two years later. In 2003 Jay-Z released The Black Album, the same year Gertrude Janeway, the last Union war widow died. A year later, Alberta Martin, the last Confederate widow passed.  Not even a decade later the country elected a black president, and Jay-Z is performing his lovely gutter music at his rallies.

Like John Tyler having living grandchildren, or whenever a WWI vet dies these days. I mean, wtf? The ever-long linkage of historical eras is trippy as hell.

Slaves With a Z

Louis CK's Lincoln sketch the other night was great, and you're right to think hey, that sounds almost exactly like something Xmastime wrote a while back, and of course you'd be right:

How funny would it be to write a show about the days right after the slaves were freed?  I mean, you think Larry David walks into some awkward moments - how great would these be?  White people slipping up and momentarily forgetting emancipation had happened, then the white guy who's going over the top, "hey, I was always on YOUR side!" and on and on.  The snob ex-house slave who prefers the white people and wants to stay, etc. Each side with comical characters, constantly bumping into each other.

Louis, just like the NY Times guy earlier, and, I suppose, SNL, I'm flattered you're fans of Xmastime and accept your stealing as an homage to me but please, can you fucking hire a brother? For money?!?!!?

A Tale of Two Hurricanes

Krugman on Sandy vs. Katrina:

For the response to Sandy, like the success of the auto bailout, is a demonstration that Mr. Obama’s philosophy of government — which holds that the government can and should provide crucial aid in times of crisis — works. And conversely, the contrast between Sandy and Katrina demonstrates that leaders who hold government in contempt cannot provide that aid when it is needed. 

Nor do they want to. After all, setting government up to fail (heckuvajobbrownie!) is the surest way to be able to say government is the problem. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Brilliant Disguise

Last week I suggested Chris Christie was sucking up to Obama to make Bruce The Boss Springsteen his BFF and, to his credit, it's worked. And all it took was a devastating hurricane. Lighten the fuck up, Bruce!!
New York News | NYC Breaking News

Wait, What?

Via Sully, some woman writes:

Even though my father died in childbirth and I never knew him, I still have some fun gift ideas for Dad. Venison always brings a grin to the lip - and really, how could it not? It's the gamey "Cadillac of meats". Another perineum favourite is magic tricks. What patriarch doesn't enjoy performing a nice sleight-of-hand-job for the family, après-dinner? For the divorced dad, mail order brides can be a fun gift. Sometimes.

What? How can a father die in childbirth?

Oh, HELLS no!

Xmastime, August 28 2011:

First an earthquake.  Now a hurricane.  What time will the locusts be arriving this week? 

And now this chutterfuck in the NY Times:

Power Companies Contend With a New Storm and a Minor Earthquake

What’s next: locusts?

Dear Sir: I appreciate that you are a long-time fan of mine, but please do not blatantly rip me off! For an astronomically, almost comically large amount of money I will more than happy to write for your "new"-spaper!!!!!

I Am Become Math Genius

But one thing I do know ABOUT math geniuses is that they love to write on glass. I don't know why this is, but they do.  - XMASTIME

And now I see this on my cube.

I mean, camon. Does that mean I'm a genius?  In a word, yes!

Irony.

Xmastime Likes This

For the final episode of No Reservations, Anthony Bourdain is going back to Brooklyn.

High School Football

My alma mater is 10-0, ranked first in the state, and even laid a 89-0 spot on some poor bastards a few weeks ago. I just checked out my yearbooks - in our most prolific year when I played we scored 98 points...in 10 games!!

Meanwhile, this year's team has outscored their opponents to the tune of 510-85. They gave up a whopping 20 points over the last 7 games. I don't even have the heart to look up how many points we gave up in my "prolific" year, but I remember the score 48-6 happening a lot. Well, every Friday night to be exact.

Of course, they can never take a way how sexy I looked while giving up those 48 points,can they? BOOM!

Election Update

The interns over at guerreotype, presumably high on apple fritter batter and paint chips, have pointed out "The Redskin Rule":

redskin loss during election week = Bad Fucking News for incumbent.

Hey Redskins…you're awesome! Millons of unborn babies that Obama had intended to slaughter during his second term thank you.

Zing!

Tweeted by Bill Maher:
@billmaher: Hope u all remembered to set ur clocks back an hour last night. And if u vote Republican on Tuesday another 40 years.