Thoughts. I Have Them

I'm never gonna become the best self-checker of my generation at Giant until I nail fruits/vegetables.

Girls and Uzis

I asked my Tea Party gun-loving friends on Facebook why they're scrambling to defend a 9 year-old's right to shoot an Uzi but don't mind she's not allowed to drive a car. Crickets.

Because you know, guns don't kill people, people do...with guns.

This is a cow that's not really nailing the whole exercise thing.

Yes, He Goes Through EVERY FUCKING ALBUM.

Here's your chance to watch some guy unbox The Beatles' new vinyl mono box set.

The Beatles in mono: This is how most listeners first heard the group in the 1960s, when mono was the predominant audio format. Up until 1968, each Beatles album was given a unique mono and stereo mix, but the group always regarded the mono as primary.

While The Beatles In Mono CD boxed set released in 2009 was created from digital remasters, for this new vinyl project, Magee and Berkowitz cut the records without using any digital technology. Instead, they employed the same procedures used in the 1960s, guided by the original albums and by detailed transfer notes made by the original cutting engineers.

They do look amazing. Hell, the accompanying book itself looks worth it. (NOTE: has there been a band called "Emitex"?)

Hey, or do it yourself for only $374.

Because Baseball Makes No Goddam Sense

All season long, the Yankees offense has been beyond anemic, while its pitching, despite losing 80% of its starting rotation, has been fantastic and by far the only reason they're within sniffing distance of even dreaming about returning to the playoffs. And now that it looks like the offense is ready to make a bit of a surge lately and come to life, the pitching will completely fall aprt. I guarantee it.

Happy 39th Birthday...

...Born to Run:

I've always said the title track is THE greatest single of the last 30 years - shambolic Phil Spector sounds falling down the stairwell, with words that should mean everything to a small town boy like me. Why every band in the world hasn't tried to reproduce this sound is a mystery to me, but fuck em. The piano echo on Backstreets, the anguished singing taking me back home, and Jungleland unfolding piece by piece until you're in the middle of the street in the middle of the night in the middle of who the fuck knows what. Overblown? Yes. Dramatic? Certainly. Over the top? Isn't fucking everything when you're young, when you're running free, when you've found something to believe in? And really, shouldn't it be? You got your whole fucking life to be bored to death; anyone can be boring at any moment. It'd sure be nice to reach for something so great and unattainable these days; its all we can seem to do to get thru the day while hoping we "get" the White Stripes coolness, or Modest Mouse's emo-ness, or Wilco's...well, whatever it is that makes people like Wilco. On Born to Run, Bruce threw it all the table - love, youth, hope, at least HOPING for excitement if nothing else. You can almost picture Bruce picking you up in a '70 Chevelle and hitting the Dairy Queen, trying to to talk to chicks, getting ignored, driving up and down the only road in town, no money, no friends, but fuck, there's gotta be something else out there better than this. I felt the same way back in high school, standing round in French's parking lot, sipping a Big Gulp while dudes 10 years older tried to get girls to take them to the prom. Yeesh. Christ, look at me blathering about Bruce. I don’t want no lovefest here, but hey, sit in your room tonight, turn all the lights off, and put on Born to Run. Born to Run will never, ever let you down.

Speaking of The Kinks

Re: 2 years ago:

Whats lost in the usual Beatles vs. Stones argument is the fact that The Kinks were a better band than the Stones anyway, so at what point can we start doing a Beatles vs. Kinks thing?

The Kinks.

I've long said that The Kinks are the most "English" band of all time (partly due to their being banned from touring in America during their peak), and here's an article to celebrate their hidden (?) masterpiece, The Kinks are the Village Green Preservation Society:

...Dave's brother Ray Davies, the band's principal songwriter and frontman, turned inward, seeking inspiration more than ever before from the people and places around him, and the not-so-distant British music hall past, delivering The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society, a masterpiece that was completely out of step with Swinging London, while at the same time being utterly timeless...But in 1968, released the same day as the Beatles' self-titled White Album, Village Green disappeared without a trace..."It was obscure the week it came out," Dave Davies jokes of the album. "Something Else is probably my favorite Kinks album, but Village Green was just so good. We put those songs together in our front room, and we drew really heavily on our environment and our family, who had supported us, and I think that's why it has such a distinctive English flavor and why the songs are so intimate in a way. Ray has such a great way of drawing characters. The song 'Picture Book' is like sitting in the front room looking at old photographs with your mum."

It's an amazing album, and inexplicably its best song was removed after the original UK version was released. Wtf?

As Opposed to What?

Yes, this is "breaking news."

Peep Show

This guy nails it:

Let’s face it, a person’s inner thoughts are usually far more interesting than any they are willing to put on display for the public eye.

How many times has your mind said ‘oh God, it’s him again, please don’t approach me’, yet what comes out of your mouth is more along the lines of “Hey! Great to see you!” Well, Peep Show perfectly plays on that notion by allowing the viewers to hear both the repressed, more honest subconscious of a character as well as their filtered spoken words.

The only question is it took so long for a show to do this.

I for one am able to relate to both characters, something I could never do with George/Jerry as I could only really relate to George, not Jerry. I spent years and years like Jeremy, completely useless and draining those around me, and I've always spoken in my head like Mark, shredding the patheticness (which isn't even a real word) of myself 24/7 while saying the opposite to anyone in front of me.

Peep Show Quote du Jour

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] This is a fantastic evening. I've become a military historian and Jeremy's future happiness rests in my hands.
[a waiter serves him his dessert]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] And I've got a tiramisu! This is fucking amazing!

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Just realized that at least in American lexicon, this contradicts itself.

Hmm.

Without commenting on the case itself, I find it fascinating that it would even occur to somebody to send money to support Darren Wilson. Obviously its in the best interest of the police to throw ungodly sums of money to his defense in order to protect themselves, so I don't really know why we need to be passing the hat here.

You're Welcome.

41 Peep Show quotes to live by.

Peep Show. Obsessed Now.

[Jeff has asked Mark to buy him some condoms so he can have sex with Sophie]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] This is it. This is my lowest ever. Wish I'd told him to fuck off, except then I'd never be allowed back.
[Looking through the selection of condom packets]
Mark Corrigan: OK, right, Featherlite. Don't want him to enjoy it any more than is strictly necessary. Ultra Strong. Yeah, he won't feel a thing. But then maybe he'll last longer and... Oh Jesus, this is a minefield. Serve him right if I prick them all with pins and then... Sophie got pregnant and therefore he ended up getting married. Got to think through these plans more. I'll just go for these. Coloured. At least that'll make him look faintly ridiculous. I win... in the most minor way possible. 

A few years ago I posted this (before I actually started watching it):

I have never watched this show, but when I read "I like to think of it as being like a more warped version of Seinfeld, if the show was presented from inside George Costanza’s brain." you know for damn sure that I run to put in in my "queue." 

The guy is totally Costanza on steroids which makes it ammmaaaaaaaaaazing.

Peep Show Quote du Jour

"Right now, April's probably getting chatted up by some student who's also worked out she's got the magical combo of beauty and low self-esteem!" - Mark from Peep Show


I've been wondering that for years!

Been watching "Beverly Hills 90210." Seriously, can we get through an episode without a ridiculously hot girl having her self-esteem stripped to zero, seeing only her "trouble spots" in the mirror? And where are these women in real life? I'm always hearing about these women, "oh yeah Lisa, she's model-gorgeous, but has no self esteem and is dating a 5'6" dude who is bald and lives on his parents couch. Poor thing." What? Where's my Lisa? Every woman I've ever met is stridently confidant, brazen and full of esteem. Where can I find a woman who is ridiculously hot yet believes she deserves only the dregs of society; LUCKY I am talking to her?!?? Jeez. These women are like the fucking killer bees, I always hear about 'em but they never show up. Camon! Hot chick with no self esteem? Might be even better than my hot disabled chick dream. I just gotta find her.

Announcement

This guy has officially joined the pantheon of television's great cussers (Kenny Powers & Peter Capaldi). ‪#‎peepshow‬ ‪#‎bbc

Netflix Quotes du Jour

"Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you're not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards" 

[Jeremy watches Nancy having sex with Gwyn under a blanket]
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] This is good, this is like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard on and I want to cry.

Happy Birthday Joe Strummer

“It is fun to be alive. It's a hell of a lot better than being dead.”

James Foley

Post over at NPR re: should we or shouldn't we watch the video of James Foley's beheading:

But others come at the question from a range of angles. There are those who see the video as proof of the militants' barbarity and of the tragedy of Foley's death. Some see the restriction of images as censorship. Others question why the killing of an innocent American should be treated differently from other cases.

Really - we need "proof" of barbarity on this world?

I never watched the Daniel Pearl video. And I cannot for the life of me imagine why anyone would want to watch this video.

Family Ties

Someone needs to explain to me why there wasn't a sitcom with Alex P. Keaton and Carlton Banks as rival political consultants during the campaign - Bush's outrageously liberal spending and anti-intellectualism miraculously having sprung APK over to the other side as Obama's campaign manager, and Carlton Banks desperately fighting for a 90 year-old ghost white guy over the first black nominee. WHO DROPPED THE BALL ON THIS???!?!??!?   - XMASTIME

Look who was on Mallory's wall. I have a feeling Alex P. Keaton was no Bruce fan.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

The thrill I get from saving even one cent thanks to my Giant card is way out of proportion to what it should be.

Interesting Thought du Jour

I find it hard to really believe, but this from Horatio Sanz in the upcoming SNL oral history update is at least interesting to think about:

I always kind of felt bad when Will Ferrell did his Bush impression because he was such a good old boy that you really didn’t think, “Oh, this evil little rich prick whose dad and his friends got him in office.” You thought, “Oh, he’s just a good old guy I’d like to drink beer with.” As funny as Will’s impression was, the audience as a whole, the whole country, would probably see that as, “Oh, I like Bush. Because he’s Will.” You know, if Will hadn’t done that impression, or at least made him likable, it may have tipped it the other way. I honestly think so.

Course, then there's the rest:

We made up for it. I think Tina’s impression basically killed Sarah Palin.

The Churchbells, I Hear Them Ringing

As you fans already know, I've already scripted out my comically-long, overwrought and physically excruciatingly draining funeral.

Dude over at Sully makes a case for falling back on the familiar crutch of religious ritual:

But I also would argue that depersonalizing the grieving process, if that’s the right phrase for it, offers solace of a different sort. To fall back on the patterns of religious liturgy, to feel that it’s not up to you to conjure the right way to honor the dead, to turn to words and rituals handed down for centuries – all this can be powerfully comforting as well. It allows for a sense of participation in the ongoing human drama of life and death, of not being the first to experience the pain of loss. You aren’t grieving from scratch. There’s a relief to knowing your experience is not unique, a consolation from the solidarity doing what so many others have done before you, and will do after you too are dead. Green cites a funeral director who describes ritual as “mindless,” and not in a pejorative way, which is another way of saying that religious ritual allows you to get out of your own head in a way that can be a relief.

Hey look - it's Op at my funeral!

Beautiful Girls (Again)

A few years ago I wrote about a superslice, Beautiful Girls:

For some reason, “Beautiful Girls” is on my “if it’s on, I’m watching” list. I don’t really know why – it’s a kinda good movie. Not a great movie. Does have an unbelievable cast.

There is a coziness to the flick; maybe it’s the snow.

Someone else puts it perfectly HERE:

Beautiful Girls is a cardigan of a movie, one to wrap around yourself on winter's nights.

My 5 favorite lines (not counting Rappaport's amazing "A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning." speech or Rosie's drugstore "you fucking mooks" walk-through):

Paul: So you're the little neighborhood Lolita.
Marty: So you're the alcoholic high school buddy shit for brains. 

Stinky: Do you see her face? Girls like that are born with a boyfriend.  

Paul: You let her behind the curtain, I know you did. You never let them behind the curtain Will. You never let them see the little old man behind the curtain working the levers of the great and powerful OZ. They are all sisters Willie... they aren't allowed back there... they mustn't see.
Willie Conway: Tell me the truth. You stay up nights thinking about this shit?
Paul: You say it like it's a bad thing. 

Paul: See these guys? Pete, Rizzo and Sammy B? They work all day and drink all night for 40 fucking years. Two weeks out of the year, they take a vacation and go to the Cape. What do they do? They drink all day, they drink all night. If we don't step it up, we're gonna wind up just like them.
Kev: Cool. 

Paul: Willie, my friend, she is delightful.
Willie Conway: "Delightful"? Who are you, Rex Harrison?

Still Don't Know Why This Wasn't a Massive Hit

Xmastime Classixxx

Seeking New Lows, by Xmastime

I swear to God I am about 2 more awkward, frozen, not-sure-how-to-hold-my-arms-meetings with my Office Crush away from stooping to having Big Bear “just happen” to call me on speakerphone when she's around to talk about how great I am and how much he loves me. Love is danger; I will not let scruples or common decency get in my way.

Gorilla du Jour

Here's the story behind the creepy gorilla on Bedford Avenue, ie "my office" back in the day.

Monty Python du Jour

Hard to fathom anyone coming out with a movie doing this:

In 1979, shortly after the release of their film Life of Brian, Monty Python members Michael Palin and John Cleese appeared on BBC Two's Friday Night, Saturday Morning to debate the film with Roman Catholic journalist and satirist Malcolm Muggeridge and the Bishop of Southwark, Mervyn Stockwood.

Side note: Life of Brian includes what might be the single funniest scene in movie history (not counting the baseball scene in Naked Gun, of course.)

Enjoy the excerpt below, or the entire thing if you'd like.

Cancel the Oscars.

Kid Invasion wins!

BBC SHow du Jour

Watch it HERE.

The Beach

Miss it like crazy already. :(

Even these clowns.  ;)

Vacation Over :(

Riding back on the train by myself for 7 hours didn't help either; it's the only time I've really thought gee, I wish I had a wife. I'm always leaving alone. - XMASTIME

Just walked through my apartment door after a blur of a week+ of vacation. The only thing more depressing is realizing I'm returning totally alone, unlike everyone else who still has their kids/significant others et al. Sucks. Oh well.

Waitress in the Sky (ie Johnny Rivers' "Mountain of Love")

(Now that The Replacements are playing shows again, the great site We Want a Replacements Reunion and we want it NOW!! is retiring; starting tonight, they're counting down their 10 favorite Replacements songs over the course of 10 days.)

#8: Waitres in the Sky

I like Waitress in the Sky, but there's no way I'd put it in my Replacements' Top 10...hell, might not be in the top 5 for the album...

Fantastic Doc

Via PBS.

Favorite Thing

(Now that The Replacements are playing shows again, the great site We Want a Replacements Reunion and we want it NOW!! is retiring; starting tonight, they're counting down their 10 favorite Replacements songs over the course of 10 days.)

#9: Favorite Thing

I totally agree with this one too (and it was on my Curiously Overlooked Songs by My 10 Favorite Bands list!) 

This Is Genius

Note about two farts during a viewing of Boyhood:

There we were, just enjoying a nice quiet Saturday night at the movies. A slow mover, Linklater's "Boyhood." Some popcorn. A few sodas. Nothing really happens in the film, we found. For about 90 minutes or so we stare listlessly at the screen. It's a thinking man's film, I say. Beautifully shot. It's about life, and death and relationships and things of that nature. Just then, at a brief, carefully-timed cinematic pause in dialogue, an enormous fart from somewhere in the back pierces an otherwise silent movie theatre. It had the impact of a baseball bat hitting a leather couch, or George Foreman working the heavy bag. Whack. Loud, deep and masculine. The seat cushion heroically absorbed most of the blow, but not enough that each and every person in the movie theatre instantly burst into nervous laughter. The laughter continued for what felt like a good 5 minutes, until tears streamed down our faces. Even well after the blast, we quietly chuckled to ourselves with a 'remember the time that guy farted in the movie theatre' gleam in our eyes. And just like that, with a soft chuckle and a deep breath, we were back into the film. Things happened, people drove around Texas, relationships came and went, there was crying, there was hope. It was as if we had all forgotten about the fart that had brought us together that night. As the sun began to set on screen, the teenage boy, no longer a boy, transitions into an adult, before our very eyes, and looks, intently, lustfully into a young girls eyes, as if to lean in for a kiss, and braaaaaaap. Another fart from the back row, like two giant hands clapping together, and the screen goes dark, roll credits. We decided, after laughing our way out of the theatre, and all the way home, that this was the best movie that we had ever seen. I imagine the lone fartist sauntering off into the sunset. His work here done.

If only I could say thank you, kind sir. You are truly a master of your craft.

Williamsburg Xmastime Classixxx

Originally posted March 2011.

Freewilliamsburg lists The Top 20 Restaurants in Williamsburg, Greenpoint and Bushwick (or, as people in Bushwick like to call it, "Williamsburg.")

Ones I've been to (and remember): 
Dumont - very good, very expensive.  Marley bought me a burger there once.  Only after, of course, I stood up and sang the extra verse to The Star-Spangled Banner that Ronald Reagan wrote (and, by god, lived!) in front of the entire restaurant.
Roberta's - don't remember the food, only that The Short Bus had only recently begun walking, and most of the time was spent chasing him around.  Thanks...YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD!!!!!!
Marlow & Sons - actually, just sat their while friends of mine ate oysters.  Probably fags.
Fette Sau - was a little disappointing.  Tho I'm biased, because I'm annoyed that after the five or so years it's been here, there's still no meat smell when you walk by outside.  If my pants  bedroom can work one up without the benefit of barbecuing meat 24 hours a day, there's really no excuse they can't.
Pies-n-Thighs - see HERE
Bamonte's - was okay. Slightly disappointing, I guess I was expecting a lot since it's famous.  Spent most of the time bitching "veal?  Why'd I order veal? I don't even like veal!  Oy, veh!!"
Diner - went there a million times when I worked on the southside, and was squiring a young lady.  Was my introduction to the 3-inch thick pork chop (and hers, heh heh heh....wait, what?)

I've also been to The Roebling Tea Room, but only, ironically, had tea.


The Star-Spangled Banner riff stolen from The Star-Spangled Girl.

These Are Awesome

15 Seinfeld episodes if they aired today.

Nice Catch

Yankees second baseman Brendan Ryan just made a catch in which he bare-handed the ball after if bounced out of his glove so yes, this means I'm going to remind you guys of the greatest catch of all time:

We were at Atlee and I was in left field and had just witnessed our right fielder and center fielder make back-to-back amazing catches, after which Celester shouted to me from center field "your turn, Greg!" I have no idea why we had a 5'7" 260-lb kid in center but hey, it was the 80's, things were just sexier back then.

Lo and behold the next batter lofts a ball into the air that I immediately think is gonna drop in front of me behind third base, so I break into a semi-trot. After a few seconds I think hey, this is hanging a bit, you MIGHT have a shot at catching this. A second later I thought holy shit, if you get on your horse you definitely have a shot at it. Then I thought boy, that Gary Hart is going to be an impressive candidate next year, isn't he? Finally I'm nearing the ball and I know I'm gonna hafta dive for a shot at it, and at the last possible moment I lay my lithe, sinewed, testacled young body out and make what if it had ended there would've been considered the best catch any of us had ever made.

But as my one-day-to-be-addicted-to-German-shit-midget-porn body landed back on Earth my elbow hit the ground and the ball popped up out of my glove. As I watched the ball falling in front of me in slow motion I thought to myself  "you are one sexy motherfucker, you gorgeous bastard" and stuck my non-glove hand out, snatching the ball out of thin air.

I don't wanna say I'm a hero, but that catch meant we only lost 32-1, and a few years later when my blocked extra point at Lancaster stopped the bleeding at 48-6 I thought about that catch again, and I couldn't help but think "what is it about me that's so magical?"

Color Me Impressed

(Now that The Replacements are playing shows again, the great site We Want a Replacements Reunion and we want it NOW!! is retiring; starting tonight, they're counting down their 10 favorite Replacements songs over the course of 10 days.)

#9: Color Me Impressed

I totally agree with this one too.

Within Your Reach

Now that The Replacements are playing shows again, the great site We Want a Replacements Reunion and we want it NOW!! is retiring; starting tonight, they're counting down their 10 favorite Replacements songs over the course of 10 days. And I totally agree with this one.

Newest Reality TV Series Idea

"Watch Xmastime Try to Pick a Piece of Ice Up Off the Floor."

Poppy Goes the World

If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori. - Wilfred Owen 1917

Over in England, this is pretty amazing:

The Tower Of London has marked the 100th anniversary of the outbreak of the First World War with a striking art installation.

Blood Swept Lands and Seas of Red by Paul Cummins features thousands of ceramic poppies pouring out of the tower flowing into the moat and will officially be unveiled on August 5.

The final poppy will be planted on November 11.

There will be a total of 888,246 poppies planted, with each flower representing a British military fatality from WWI.

Previous Xmastime WWI  HERE.

On a side note, after first hearing about this art installation a few days ago I happened to read this about Dulce et Decorum Est author Wilfred Owen:

On 4th November he was shot and killed near the village of Ors. The news of his death reached his parents home as the Armistice bells were ringing on 11 November.

Fucking hell.

This is a cow completely enjoying his European Vacation.