So Far, So Good

2007. So far, so incredible.

1) 2 days, 2 orders of pork egg foo young. I have learned it’s smarter to just get the white rice; fried rice in these joints blow these days. Each grain is separate and tastes like rubber. Ugh. I like a nicely steamed, together rice. Know what else I’d like? A fucking delivery person who carries change. Every fucking time now, they’re surprised. "Oh, you don’t have exact change?" When did this fucking happen? My bill is $8, I gave you $20, hmmm, yeah, maybe if you stand there and act like you don’t have change I’ll say ah, fuck it, keep it buddy!! Pretend to search your pockets all you want Sing Ho, I can fucking wait. Just like 3am at the Nest when I’m waiting for "Homeless Doris" to spend the last of her disability check and have to go home with somebody, I can fucking wait.

2) Soon after the clock struck midnight, tried to do one of those only-in-the-movies sudden kisses on a girl. Much like in one of those only-in-lesbian-movies, ended up with nothing but hair in my mouth. Ugh.

3) While babysitting, I discovered that if even the slightest thing is out of place while handling an infant, he will scream and cry. If the bottle isn’t 100% perfect, screams. Plastic buckle barely touching him in his crib thingee? Screaming. But he doesn’t seem to mind it if, after eating, I put him over my shoulder to burp him and basically pound the hell out his back. Or if I go through the cabinets and touch every dish in the house with my nuts. Kids, eh?

4) Watched about 6 hours of a "MASH" marathon. Seriously, if the Professor was so smart, why can’t he fix the fucking boat?

5) Cat-sitting for a friend. Walked in the door, cat looks at me and immediately shits on the floor. Jokes on him, though – my very being is not synonymous with the word "pussy."

6) Found my senior year high school yearbook. Realized my dad had autographed it for me…"Son, you are a pussy." Hmm. Shitting cat 1, Xmastime 0.

7) Watched a bunch of the President Ford memorial stuff, finally shrugged and thought you know, the biggest thing about this guy is he was married to a fabulously rich alcoholic with one titty.

8) ….who is now single!!!!! (putting on Canoe cologne)

9) Wondered if I’d have sex in 2007, went to my trusty magic 8 ball. Gripped her tightly with both hands, closed my eyes and asked the question, opened my eyes and read "Not without buying me dinner first, fat ass."

2007. fucking christ.