I Fucking Hate Life and Want to Die

As dumb, drunk and irrespionsible as I've always been, I have never lost my wallet. ever. I've come home shirtless, missing a shoe; some of you may remember Short Bus was a twin before I became his Manny (for fuck's sake; how many times can you tell somebody "I'm SORRY I lost your kid!!!!!!"???) But never my wallet.

Also, I rarely ever actually need my i.d. I don't frequent fancy clubs, and I've flown twice in the last decade. So of course I'm flying this Thursday and...TA-TA! Wallet has disappeared! RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT on schedule. Thank you, god.

So a friend recommended calling the airline, giving them a heads-up to see what I can do so I can get on the plane if my wallet still has not shown up. So I did. And this is how it went.

XMAS: Hi, I (insert sob story here)
AIRLINE: Hmmm...okay, lessee...do you have any other picture ids?
XMAS: No.
AIRLINE: Do you have a passport?
XMAS:No.
AIRLINE: Do you have any government-issued id?
XMAS: Wha...would I be calling if I did?
AIRLINE: If you have a military picture id, that would work.
XMAS: Really.
AIRLINE: Hmmmm, let's see....
XMAS: I dunno, I thought maybe if I called ahead...
AIRLINE: yeah, yeah..
XMAS: you know
AIRLINE: you don't have ANY picture id you can bring in?
XMAS: (head boiling)
AIRLINE: no Passport?
XMAS: -
AIRLINE: no driver's license?

HEAD BLOWN TO BITS, FLYING OUT WINDOW, NOT BEFORE RE-PLAYING CONVERSATION IN OWN HEAD TO MAKE SURE I HEARD RIGHT

AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH! I'm surprised she didn't ask me to bring in my White House Chief of Staff "In Case of Nuclear Attack" photo id. AAARARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!