Everything's Awesome!!!

Some people, including Yglesias, are writing that Saxby Chambliss is "clueless" or "stupid" re: not knowing what a recession is, or that we're in one. Not me - I refuse to believe a US Senator could possibly NOT know the answer to both questions. I do, however, think Chambliss is an idiot for using the ol "hey, everything's awesome!" political tactic when he has an election in 2 days. I mean, is there anybody left, even in Georgia, who does not understand that the "everything's awesome!!" doctrine is partly why we're in such deep shit in the first place? Wouldn't you think it'd be smarter to just come out and say "we're all fucked, but I'm gonna fight like the devil to get us out of this mess"? I think if Chambliss keeps this nonsense up eventually John Q. Voter will think "well maybe YOU'RE not in a recession, but I am" and resent Chambliss' condescension and vote for his opponent? Nothing says "I couldn't care less about you" quite like "I'm rich, so shut the fuck up," does it?

The Everything's Awesome Doctrine. Another great legacy of Bush. Way to go 43!!!!

Cause You Can't Outrun Gay

From the New York Times








Ummm...REEEEally? Which "sport" is this test for? "Congratulations, one day your son will be able to take in all of Ron Jeremy." Yeesh.

Facebook

The funny thing about Facebook is the disparity in your own mind between the last time you saw somebody and how they are now. In other words, some dude you wouldn't have thought could cross the street with a bottle of soda without dropping it and breaking his own foot all of a sudden is a lawyer and has 4 kids. Fuckin a.

LET'S ALL KILL EACH OTHER

Video: yeesh Song demo: YES!!! (there's hope!)

Life

Sometimes I look at great men of the recent past - historical, great figures, and I am envious...I think wow, what a life so and so led, and now their job is complete; they're just sitting back now enjoying the fruits of their great success, the lauds that come their way every day. There is nothing they can do that will mar their legacies as great men. Awesome. Yes, they're close to death, but they lived their lives right.

But right now I just thought of something. I thought of someone like John Wooden. The absurd heights of success he reached, so high they will not be duplicated (or even close.) All while receiving praise worthy only of a saint. His life is one that will live forever. But then I ask myself...would he trade it all away in a heartbeat to be 36 years old again?

Wouldn't he?

Pitiful Thinking.

I read this Kaplan article via Sully HERE.

The prioblem is, it's a false argument - you can't take credit for loosening the lid on the jar if you were the one who double-dipped the fucker in cement in the first place. Or as moi said it before,

...this is like someone coming over and burning my house down to the ground, then laying a single brick down in it’s place and then being incredulous that I wasn’t doing backflips and baking pies to thank him. Hey, thanks for the brick to rebuild with, but maybe you shouldn’t have burned my house down in the first place, dipshit.

What a fucking jackass.

Creepy Album Covers

From this collection. Yikes.

Life Lessons

Via Andrew Sullivan I learned about this dating site for fans of Ayn Rand. Laughing at the thought of such a site I couldn't help think what do you talk about after the initial "I love Ayn Rand!" intro wears out? Or when you realize you're both eunuchs whose best friends are flowers and whispers?

But then I realized you know what, who am I to talk? Am I not a lifetime member of The Garfsphere: Connecting Admirers of Garfield Weighs In and Garfield at Large (fans of Garfield Eats His Heart Out need not apply, btw)? So maybe I can get off my high horse a little bit here. Or, as my new friends over at The Shitsphere: Connecting Admirers of The Best of German Scat Porn, Volumes I-XII would say, "Judge not, lest you be judged, that's not chocolate."

It's called live and let live, people.

Sorry Kam Sing - I Couldn't Help Myself!

Seriously, when do I get my Photoshop Award??

Two Movies I Love That Have the Word "Times" in the Title, But Don't Have Phoebe Cate's Titties in Them

You Gotta Be Shittin Me, Chapter 5433

Flipping around during a 90210 commercial just now, I landed on the the very end of VH1 Classics Top 10 Rock Bands of All Time, and I saw that the Stones were at #1. Grrrrr I thought, silently bitching at them finishing ahead of the Beatles. But if anyone is to finish ahead of The Beatles, I can at least live with it being the Stones. So out of curiosity I went to the VH1 Classic website to see who else was on this list. They not only had the Top 10 that was on the show, but on the site they list the Top 20 Rock bands of all time.

Turns out, The Beatles WEREN'T #2. Or #3. Or #14. Hmm. Either I have instantly forgotten how to read the English language, or a squirrel has gotten into my computer and somehow scrambled words around on my screen, or VH1 has decided that, among others, Aerosmith, Def Leppard, The Doors, Heart and MOTLEY FUCKING CREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are better bands than the fucking Beatles. Are you shitting me? This is like putting Hillary Swank, The Grinch, and my nuts on a list of Top 10 Titties ahead of Dolly Parton. Wtf? Are you shitting me?

And yes, I already know what you people are going to say - "Oh, the Beatles are a pop band, not rock." As in I guess "rock" = "loud" only. #1, I haven't even mentioned that The Ramones are also inexplicably not on this list. #2, most of the bands on this stupid list don't "rock" any harder or louder than The Beatles (including for the most part The Stones.) So shut up with that shit.

Not even in the Top 20. Behind Motley Crue. Yes, I know, I shouldn't get worked up at some stupid list by Vh1 like a little schoolgirl, but camon. Leaving off The Beatles seems so purposely egregious I can't get over it. Fucking idiots.

XMASTIME'S TOP 10 BANDS
(note: these are the bands I love personally, not some definitive list by those who claim to be an authority, or in the music business, such as VH1. Also, this is bands only, not solo dudes like Dylan or scenes/labels a la Motown/Stax etc)

The Ramones
The Beatles
The Replacements
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
The Clash
The Equals
REM
Soul Asylum
Husker Du
Marah

Not So Mahvelous

I was sleeping through this Bill Kristol article, cause once somebody says that people who were involved in things like torture and eavesdropping deserve the Medal of Freedom it tough to take that person very seriously. But this line near the end stands out:

One last thing: Bush should consider pardoning--and should at least be vociferously praising--everyone who served in good faith in the war on terror, but whose deeds may now be susceptible to demagogic or politically inspired prosecution by some seeking to score political points.

Cause when I look at it, I can't help but think that if you change one word: "demagogic or politically inspired PROSECUTION" to "demagogic or politically inspired EXECUTION", couldn't you say that that was HOW Bush ran the "War on Terror" in the first place?

INteresting. The writer seems to be a bit out of it here....maybe he should go back to telling jokes, or playing lovable characters?

Come Back, Corey!!!

Because I am swimming in the Benjamins, untouched by the financial crisis, this morning I did something at the checkout line in Topps I have never done: dropped a dollar in the tip jar for the bagger. A DOLLAR! Folding money, people! And this little fucking kid didn't even look up to say thank you. Wtf - not even a glance, just a cold-shouldered "eff you old man" as he stood there. For fuck's sake...made me wanna knock on the manager's door "WHERE THE FUCK IS COREY?"

Give It a Try, Who the Fuck Knows?

It just occurred to me to wonder what’s been the least effective over the years: torture as an intelligence-gathering device, the War on Drugs, or the LA Clippers. Let’s face it – all three have been disastrously useless and costly. Some more than others, but all three would have no problems being first-time honorees on Mount Suckmore.

As a matter of fact, I think in the interest of “why not try, who the fuck knows what’ll work since nothing else has?” we should simply rotate whoever’s in charge of each program and see what happens. Elgin Baylor has decades of experience throwing millions of dollars down a hole with nary an inch of success, why not let him have a crack at the Drug War? Hey, maybe basketball just never was Elgin’s “thing.” And whoever’s been running the drug war, see what they can do with torture. Torture hasn’t helped us win the Iraq War - it’s been a complete waste of time while simultaneously coming at a great cost to us, which means those brilliant generals who have been running the drug war will be able to fit right in. Again we start out at ground zero, but you never know what a new group of faces will think of when offered a new opportunity, right? And the people in charge of torture taking over the Clippers is a no-brainer; those fans have been tortured for so long already they’ll just lay there and take anything you try with a smile on their faces, right? And do you honestly think Dick Cheney a random CIA agent couldn’t throw a dart at the phone book and make better draft picks than Elgin ever did with the Clippers? Camon.

In all three instances, there is no way to lose, is there? If each new agency in charge continues to suck, so what? Who would even notice? But if one of them cracks open the logjam of worthlessness just a little bit, wouldn’t that be some shit?

Frustration.

The sleepy, turkey-numbed day after Thanksgiving is as good a day as any to look ahead to the home stretch to Dec. 31 and look back on how much you've let yourself down over the previous year. On one hand, I can honestly say that everything in my life is better than it was a year ago. Which is either invigorating and a bit of a thrill to realize or, as I look around, crushingly sad.

Anyways, one way in which my life is NOT better is that despite Fashion Herald's amazing and courageous best efforts, I have not lost weight this year. I first wrote about our plan HERE last January...basically, as of right now I have 4 weeks to lose 80 lbs. Hmm. My own "efforts" to lose weight have been a complete joke. Complete, udder (pun intended) failure.

But there MAY be some good news coming...apparently I'm joining a gym for Christmas (thanks Santa G!), so if that doesn't make for a change, I don't know what will. For reasons unknown to anyone who has 1) a brain or 2) seriously, a fucking brain, I remain hopelessly optimistic that it will happen. I'll lose the weight, live past the age if 45, and be miserably happy with a smoking hot woman. Sigh.

In any event, let's hope my trips to the gym are more fruitful than this one ;)

32

Is FDR the only president whose presidential number (32) matched the year he was elected ('32)? Hmm. Something to think about, I guess. Well...other than how giddy I am that there's a 12-hour BH 90210 marathon on all day (the first thing of the year to be thankful for!)

Finally - Some Good News!

Obviously the economy is not only back on track, but in fact rocking - people have so much money and are so eager to spend it they're willing to plow somebody to death. Awesome. We're back, baby!!!! USA! USA! USA!


SIDE NOTE: Can somebody report in with the death total from the IKEA opening in Red Hook please?

SIDE NOTE TO THE SIDE NOTE: sorry, but "dick-bats" is still funny!

Greatest Hits, Track 8

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I lived with Ryan in an apartment on Christman Drive; right next door to us were two typical Ole Miss frat fucks, but one interesting thing about them is that along with their two dogs, they had a pig. And, EXACTLY like that movie, the pig thought he was a dog, that he was “one of the guys.” Whenever I’d drive up the driveway, the 2 dogs would come tearing around the corner furiously to check out the action, and then….about 7 seconds later the pig would come chasing, belly swinging as he’d try to keep up, trying to look as angry as the dogs. “What the fuck’s up, guys!??!” Later in the evening I’d see them out in the yard trying to look like street toughs on a stoop, waiting for cars or people to come by to heckle, and you knew the pig was Horshack to the dogs’ Barbarino and Washington. Awesome. Another highlight from Oxford was Thanksgiving 1995. Ryan and I decided we were gonna stay in Oxford and make our own big Thanksgiving dinner. No, we’re not gay. Anyways we go to Kroger that morning to get everything, and as we’re about to check out I decide I should grab a case of beer. Since you couldn’t buy beer cold in Oxford, you kinda had to plan ahead. So I come strolling up with a case and Ryan FLIPS out, yelling at me for wanting to get shit-faced for Thanksgiving Dinner. No, we’re not gay. I try to explain to him I wasn’t gonna pound it when we got home and piss all over the Pilgrims, I was just gonna have it in the fridge for later on. Doesn’t matter, he’s furious, BOOM!! We don’t say one single word to each other after that. We go through the machinations of making a huge Thanksgiving Dinner, sit down and eat it…all while aggressively not speaking to each other. No, we’re not gay. And, even better, we filmed the whole fucking thing for some reason. It’s all on videotape. You see us silently making this huge dinner, silently eating it. Our silence does not end then; it goes on for 2 solid weeks. For two weeks we pass by each other wordlessly, live next to each other in total silence. The type of simmering rage you can only have for your best friend, I suppose. No, we’re not gay. Finally at the end of two weeks I’m sitting on the couch in the living room and he strolls in to the kitchen and grabs a box of cookies. I’m not paying attention, but because of my 14-day seething rage I can tell he’s looking in the box and strapping on his “I’m fucking incredulous!!” face. Then he does the ol’ look into the box-look up at me – look back into the box – look up at me routine.

“What?” (heeey…I broke the silence!! hooray!!)
“You ate my fucking cookies!!!!”
“What?”
“You ate all my fucking cookies you fucking shit!!!” (box thrown on the floor)
‘What the – shut the fuck up, I didn’t eat you precious fucking cookies!”
“You ate my fucking cookies!!”
“I did not eat your fucking cookies fuck you!!!!”
“You fucking shit!”
“Yeah, I got your cookies, ate them all, closed the EMPTY box up, carefully put them back on the shelf and chuckled ‘ooooh, he’ll never suspect a thing!!!!’!! fucking dumbass!!!”

This went on, screaming for 2 more minutes. Finally I stormed off to my room with a big “fuck you!!” and slammed my door. After about a 10 second pause I opened the door, saw him standing in the living room and shouted “You know what? Yeah, I ate your fucking cookies! And guess what – they were fucking AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” slam!!!

This of course was so ridiculous that within minutes we were on the floor laughing at our our ridiculousness. Rolling on the floor, entwined with each other in our youthfulness, young skin on young skin as we suckled each other’s neck. Okay, that was gay.

It’s been almost 11 13 years and Ryan, and I can confess…I have no idea what happened to your fucking cookies.

Fear is the Enemy of Reason

Gee, it's been a while since they've pulled this bullshit, hasn't it? Is there a run-off election I'm not aware of; can people still vote for McCain? Incredible. My previous thoughts HERE.

Phone Etiquette

Whats the appropriate number of seconds to pause between numbers when giving out your phone number without being insulting? I know if I go too fast I'll get a "whoawhoawhoawhoa." But I feel if I go too slow, it's worse...after the first 3 numbers I usually pause, and I wait for some sort of affirmative noise from the other end of the phone. If I don't get it right away, I might wait a few seconds. But then I picture the guy on the other end going "what, this guy thinks I'm fucking retarded? I can't keep up after 3 numbers - what is he, fucking better than me???!!" and then he'll spit in my cat foo young. I dunno.

Tunguska Event

I first read of the Tunguska Event about a year ago (how the fuck is this not taught in every school???!!!) Then a few months ago I read Gregg Easterbrook's joint in the Atlantic, and this week's edition of MMQ reminded me of the event. Well, I guess by "the event" I mean "his article."

Anyway, I saw a clip of a re-enactment of the event HERE. The Russian scientists who re-created the event in the 60's were amazed that the blast caused destruction in a butterfly-shaped pattern, AND they came to the conclusion that the blast had not hit the Earth, but had in fact exploded 5 miles in the air. But there still seems to be a mystery as to how of all trees, the ones directly under the epicenter would be the ones undamaged. Thousands of miles of destruction, yet the group of trees directly under the blast were undamaged.

I just wandered around my loft, naked, and wondered to myself, what kind of energy could do that - hit something so dead on that that which is hit remains, but it's surroundings are destroyed?

My first thought was that in football when you really lay into someone, when you lay the perfect hit on some dude, neither you nor him feels any pain. If you make 10 tackles in a game, 9 of them hurt...but there's that one where you just POP! and it feels incredible.

Then I realized I was off subject, so I kept thinking...and I arrived at my old National Guard days, when I gave physicals to people. One of my jobs was to give eye exams to people. And one of those exams was what was colloquially known as the "puff of air" test; ie non-contact tonometry. The subject leans in and opens his eyes, and a puff of air is shot into his eye.

I'm not saying the energy between this and the Tunguska Event are the same, but in both instances the very point on which energy is applied, there is no damage. IE the cornea gets flattened, but rebounds immediately. I have a feeling that the trees directly underneath the Tunguska Event survived for the same reason - the energy released was immediately reflected and then spread out from there on. Could it be that simple?

So. I fucking LOVE Soul Asylum.

New Slice

The IT Crowd.

I don't even know why. It's not really funny. It has that "there's 5 people at 4am watching it, made for $40/week" feel to it. Reminds me of The Steven Banks Show, I guess (see below, slice of slices.)

Hint: worth watching; but skip to 4:59 - 8:00 for my funeral slice.

"Bring 'Em On!"

When I first read THIS I thought to myself "hmm....this sounds serious."

But then I see we have things in hand:

But U.S. officials mocked the show of force.

"Are they accompanied by tugboats this time?" U.S. State Department spokesman Sean McCormack joked to reporters in Washington.

Shew! I feel much better...if there's anything I've learned in the last 8 years, it's that wildly underestimating a potential adversary coupled with light, dismissive insults can lead to nothing but thunderous success. We sleep well tonight, comrades people!!!

Hoya Paranoia: Scouting Episode

I love watching the HBO doc Perfect Upset, the story of Villanova upsetting Georgetown in the 1985 NCAA Championship game. My favorite bit is John Thompson talking about when some scout asked him to come with him to see a kid play that the scout was interested in signing to Georgetown. Thompson goes to see the kid, but his eye is caught by the kid's teammate: 7-foot tall Patrick Ewing.

What? The scout...hadn't noticed Patrick Ewing playing alongside this kid before? Really?

Fucking christ. I wonder what happened to that scout...if I'm Thompson, on one hand I'm like "thanks for leading me to Ewing, you completely changed the course of my career and the history of college basketball." On the other hand I'd be like "Boy, are you a shitty scout. You're fired."

We Got It Backwards

Don't we have the minimum drinking and minimum enlistment ages backwards? Shouldn't we reverse them?

Right now, you can join the Army and get shot at for three years before (legally) buying your first drink. Seems like you should be able to drink for three years, really stew on things before you can enlist in the Army, no? Makes sense to me.

Ah, Sweet Charlie!

Of course when I think of Curt Doucheschilling I can not help but think of Charlie Daniels, so I moseyed over to his soapbox, where he is in the midst of a 3-part crap-up of his recent trip to Israel. Today's line of genius:

As you look across this beautiful lake you wonder where Jesus walked on the water...In most cases it is just a best guess situation, although you can identify the area, there is no historical way to know the exact spot.

Hmm. REEEEEally?

Sigh. Charlie. I love you you old, sorry sack of Bush-loving retard. Sigh.

My Country Douche of Thee

So it seems that my favorite douchebag Curt Schilling is posting about a benefit on his site. How nice.

"Ya the economy is a mess, but people still need our help."

Hmm. Douchey McDouche Doucherson seems annoyed that the current economic status of the country might cut into his gig.

Hey Miss Douche and the Rats of Douche: how bout people need our help BECAUSE the economy is a mess???!?!??!?

Fucking christ.

Xmastime. Always Teaching.

Obviously by now, since we're BFF, several people have emailed me to link me to reports that Gordon Ramsay has been having a sordid affair for years. Some were genuinely concerned (Mamalizza), some were gleeful in the apparent comeuppance of one of my heroes (GodIHateYourKitchenNightmares.) Several things have come to mind.

First of all, I have come to treat such celebrity news with the same amount of trust as I have news from the Bush Administration. "Hmm. Really? Hmm. Doubt it."

Secondly, why would he need "sex drugs" ie Viagra? If he needs pills to get him excited enough to fuck his mistress, why not scrap any risk of getting caught and just keep fucking the wife? Hardly seems worth it if you need a "pep talk" whenever you liaison, does it? So. Another ding in such a report.

And finally, whether he is having an affair or not, can we please, as a country, give up this faux fucking outrage whenever we find out rich, famous people are fucking around? Can we all be grownups? Yes, he's probably fucked A LOT of chicks since he's become rich and famous. I'm sorry - I bet a million bucks he loves his wife, but any dude under that temptation is gonna crumble from time to time. Bank on it. I'm still laughing at you idiots who fell for Bush partly cause he was the anti-Clinton - he loved his wife and would never fuck around on her.

Please. Maybe once he hit forty and sobered up, but til then? Camon.

But speaking of Bill Clinton, and husbands cheating on their wives. When Clinton, after repeatedly trying to worm out of the question "why did you do it?" re: Lewinsky, if anybody else remembers, he finally just admitted "cause I could." Everyone at the time was OUTRAGED! at Clinton's arrogance/hubris etc, but I got it right away. Of course he could. He was famous and powerful and (presumably) rich, so he had women throwing themselves at him. He could.

I'm not married. And, to be honest, I don't know a single married man who has cheated on his wife. But I'm gonna guess that a large percentage of men don't cheat on their wives simply cause they can't. Either they're not good-looking enough, or rich enough, or they're worn down by life and marriage; hell, they're probably lucky they got you! They were probably BARELY getting any ass before they married you; certainly these men are not having offers thrown at them. Rarely, if at all.

The next level of men would be married men who are either really good-looking, or kinda rich etc who COULD get a few offers...but not from the likes of a woman worth risking their marriage over. They probably flirt a lot, and maybe slip up with some shy, lonely office secretary once every coupla years, but they're not beating Carmen Elektra off with a stick either.

And then finally you have life's big winners: the rich and famous and powerful. These dudes (good-looking or not) can have pretty much any women in any room they enter. Women throw themselves at them constantly. This dude, like I said about Gordon, really does love his wife, but the quality of these women and their brazen temptations are too much to overcome every time.

So there you have it. I'm not condoning it, but I'm saying let's be a little European about this (which, after all, Gordon is) and not get excited about adults seeing each other's wee-wees.

And if you women have trouble understanding how powerful/less men can be if in position to take advantage of women's affections, think of this:

Think of three women, and these women LOVE shopping. Think about shopping all the time, can't wait to get shopping whenever they can. You've placed all three women in the middle of Macy's Department Store, and have given each women a different amount of money. And you've told these women that under NO set of circumstances are they to buy anything - doing so will result in a large unspecified penalty.

Woman #1, you've given $0 to. She has nothing. So she has nothing to offer. So she's buying exactly nothing. Not buying, no penalty, safe.

Woman #2, you've given $1000 to. She MIGHT buy something, but she can't really buy anything of real value enough to offset the penalty waiting for her. So she probably won't buy anything.

Woman #3, you've given $1,000,000 to. Guess what? She buys ANYTHING SHE WANTS. Anything in the store is available to her. She can spend as much as she wants, and still has plenty for whatever the penalty is. The stuff she can buy is definitely worth the risk of whatever the penalty is.

So. There you have it: men and women. In a nutshell.

You're welcome.

The Mass of Men

"Titus Alden was one of that vast company of individuals who are born, pass through and die out of the world without ever quite getting any one thing straight. They appear, blunder, and end in a fog...Titus was a farmer because his father had been a farmer. And he was here on this farm because it had been willed to him and because it was easier to stay here and try to work this than it was to go elsewhere. He was a Republican because his father before him was a Republican and because this county was Republican. It never occurred to him to be otherwise. And, as in the case of politics and his religion, he had borrowed all his notions of what was right and wrong from those about him. A single serious, intelligent or rightly informing book had never been read by any member of that family - not one. But they were nevertheless excellent, as conventions, morals and religions go - honest, upright, God-fearing and respectable."

An American Tragedy
Theodore Dreiser

Fucking Fuckity Fuck!

One of the annoying parts of blogging every day is when you get "scooped." By scooped I don't mean someone else finds something else out and writes about it. In my own blogging sense, "scooped" means having thought of something you think is very intelligent, thought-out and new/outside of the box, a totally new view or thought....and then not bothering to post it right away, just kinda letting it marinade for a while. And then kinda forgetting about it for awhile. And then BAM! Someone else lets it out to the public.

For over a year now I've been planning some massive Manifesto-styled post on why the United States needs to break up into four different countries. We're simply too big, too sprawling with too many people with too many interests - it's hard for people to come under the same rules as dictated by people thousands of miles away, neither group of people ever knowing or understanding each other (my old "dudes in Idaho voting on dudes in NJ not being allowed to kiss" argument, for example.) My desire for teachers to be paid in 6 figures should not be disqualified by people who care only about their right to own as many guns as possible. And on and on and on. And vice versa. We've just gotten too big, in every way.

I was going to be named brilliant, and probably president of one of the new countries (XMASLAND?) and just now some fucking commie has beaten me to the punch (albeit based more on the economy itself.) I can't even find any of my "notes" from before. So I'm not a genius. Grrrr.

Tips in These Troubled Times for Corporate America

Bout time for Taco Bell to introduce those 99-cent margaritas, right? Just wondrin.

Suggested marketing:

"Don't puke the chulupa"

You're welcome.

Re-Assigned

The other day, Lil Bear informed me that he was no longer "Lil Bear." He let me know that HE is now "Big Bear." Which means, obviously, I am no longer Big Bear. What happens to big bears when they've been supplanted? I mean, I'm not "Bigger Bear"...that just sounds stupid. I'll come up with something, I guess.

I reckon I'll let him be Big Bear. Heck, he's earned it. I just won't tell him that he'll always be Lil Bear to me. :)















ps - til the first time he whups my ass, of course.

Moratoriums

Next election, let's retire the ol' "more people voted on American Idol than in the last election!" I have no idea if this is true or not and do not care; let's be done with it. Along with the idea that you are the first one to come up with it just cause you're saying it loudly.

Next up: "The government can't deliver my mail!" thunderously triumphant moment every "comedian" likes to drop when "exasperated" by the government's ineptitude.

Actually Shecky Fuckwad, the government CAN deliver the mail. My personal success rate with dropping something in a mailbox and then having it show up at the appropriate address a few days later is at or near 100%. The problem is that the government can't get ANYTHING ELSE right. But they can deliver the mail. So come up with something that's a little more a-propos. Which would, ironically, actually make it funny.

The Devil Liberal Media!!!

I've said may times that the "liberal media bias" is a bunch of hogwash. For instance yes, maybe they fawned over Obama more than they did McCain. So did the American voters. Maybe both groups saw Obama as less of a complete douchebag as McCain?

Anyways, it looks like Ann "I Wish I Was Hot Like Laura Ingraham" Coulter has a book coming out whose raison d'etre is EXPOSING THE 'GUILTY' OBAMA MEDIA.

Yes, the "mainstream media" is SUPPOSED to give a factual, fair and balanced report on things. In an ideal world, that is. But for all our crying/hand-wringing if they don't the fact is, they don't really have to. They don't work for us. I watch MSNBC, but I don't pay them. They can spend an hour praising Hitler, and it's not on my dime. I can switch the channel if I want. Now, the sponsors, that's another story - if Pepsi gave two shits about how Chris Matthews was doling out his expertise, they, and whoever else has commercials at that time, can complain. Me, all I can do is whine on my couch and flip the channel. I'm tired of people whining about the "liberal media." They don't owe your lazy ass jack-shit. If you don't trust Chris Matthews is being "fair", then flip to one of the other 500 channels available, or go to one of the 9000000 websites you might trust. It's funny, the very people that whine about the "liberal media" are always the ones who are perfectly content to be shepherded over to a single channel at all times, FOX News. These are not a curious group of people after all; they can stop crying about the media as if they're always searching for another viewpoint. Cause they're not.

Any media has every right to "fawn" over Obama as Ann Coulter does to write her book. And guess what? I'm not paying a dime for either one.

Thoughts

I may have a private pre-Thanksgiving tasting of THIS. I will keep you posted.

Also, Jennifer Garner? Not sexy. Never is. Sorry.

Curious

I've always wondered why colors don't change as things move. I mean, if colors are created by a series of prisms and refractions dealing with waves of light, why wouldn't colors shift as things move, therein changing the projection of any said prisms/refractions? Why does my blue polo shirt stay blue no matter where I move? Curious to me.

More West Wing

Yet another bit of genius re: The West Wing is how much President Bartlet reflects both of his youngest senior staffers, Sam Seaborn and Josh Lyman. Sometimes I'll think "boy, he's exactly like Sam": super-smart nerd, filled with trivial facts (particular fondness for science/nature factoids) and supremely idealistic. Other times I'll think "boy, he's exactly like Josh": always the smartest political operative in the room, and funny (often at the derision of others.) Very clever and telling that the President can be seen in the young bucks so clearly, and not just the old-guard of his own generation.

The Happy Scene

Coming up at 6pm tonite is the BH 90210 episode Unreal World. I tell you this for two reasons:

1) it contains the scene when David admits his feelings for his ex Donna with the line "I still love Donna." I was watching the episode when it came on in 1995, and that line struck me, so much that I wrote a song with that as the title (obviously about an ex of my own...not Donna (heart!) Martin.) A few months later I came up to NYC to make a record, and this was one of the songs on that record. Of course the normal thing to do right now would be to post an mp3 of that song, but I don't seem to have one on me. Though I can link you to The Happy Scene's MySpace, which includes some of the other songs from that record. Tho not the one I'm talking about...which kinda makes this post pointless...but I've already been typing for a few minutes so fuck it.

2) this also shows that my pathetic, bordering-on-the-"my friends should really ditch me" obsession with 90210 is not a recent phenomenon, but dates back at least a decade and a half. That's in case any of you ladies were out there thinking of me as having testicles and being sexually desirable. This should take care of that.

Suicide Online

I was taking a second to think of something uproariously funny to say about the kid who committed suicide online and the idiots that cheered him on, but then it just occurred to me...by watching it and commenting etc without calling the cops or an ambulance, weren't these onlookers breaking the law? The Good Samaritan Law; ie what Seinfeld got busted for on the final episode? I don't even mean to turn this into a "It All Comes Down to Costanza!" riff, but isn't this against the law in some states? And wouldn't some of these voyeurs be in those states?

Attention BH 90210 Writers

I know you had to find creative ways to fill in 292 episodes over 10 years. I realize this. But gotdam, how many times can you have the girls assaulted/shot at/raped? Jesus christ.

Hey, WE GET IT: assaulting women is cool & sexy. Check. But take a breather for fuck's sake. Throw in some std scares and child molesting in between Donna's baseball bat attacks. Christ.

ATTENTION FELLOW TEENYBOPPERS:

It's BFF, not BFFs. As in Best Friends Forever, not Best Friends Forevers. Or maybe you're trying to say Best Forever Friends? At least that will make all the Yoda-talking nerds out there happy I guess.

Anyways, knock it off. You look like an idiot when you add the s.

2009 Things To Do List

1) Give Lil Bear, Short Bus, Husky and The Major their first viewing of Hoosiers. (Paddy Mac on video hookup)

Vacation All I ever Wanted

On one hand I'm glad Obama is getting to poke his head into meetings already. And I like how crisp he has been since Nov 4 - I think "crisp" is prolly his default anyway. He's been on top of things.

But one thing I remember from Joe Klein's The Natural is that Clinton's biggest regret was not taking a vacation between election day and actually taking office. Quickly wore himself and his staff down to their nubs.

I know these are difficult times, and I know there's shit to do, and if Obama feels like he needs to already be on the job as much as he can be, okay. But I also wonder if he should be on a beach in Hawaii with no cell phone, sipping drinks out of glasses shaped like alligators.

I'm a Loser (remembered)

I was pleasantly surprised that the short documentary Robert Kennedy Remembered not only was an award-winning film narrated by Richard Burton, but was also made in 1968...obviously within months of his death (and made by Charles Guggtenheim.) The suddenness of it makes it feel more real, raw.

In my search for more info on the film, I came across this:



I don't remember if it was her birthday, or Christmas, or just cause I was a sweetie pie (prolly the correct answer here), but the first gift I ever got my first girlfriend was a bracelet from a little stand in the mall called Things Remembered. It was a bracelet, and I paid for the engraving of "I Melt with You" on it; waiting those 15 minutes I'm sure were one big drenched bedsheet of panic, confidence, love, anxiety and more anxiety. But I got it...I think the chain was made of links, and the whole thing was "gold" (cough) and it was a big hit when I presented it to her.

I'm not sure why I thought of that (oh yeah...the Things Remembered ad), but it seems to me that a linking of the death of RFK to that bracelet means I'm gonna be doing VERY well with the ladies from here on. Bank on it.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

ATTENTION: Read THIS POST first if you haven't already.

So. All that fucking traumatizing flipping around for a particular line in that Stephen King book. A minute ago I went in to take a piss. As I'm want to do, I grab a book while I'm pissing, and it was the King book (as it is, after all, shiterature.) I grab the book, randomly flip it open and.........gee. After all that searching, after the book showing me that I am slowly slipping even more into the abyss of stupidity, GUESS WHAT FUCKING PASSAGE I RANDOMLY FUCKING FLIPPED TO??!?!?!?!?!?

Unreal. I swear to christ, I'm not even fucking kidding. I'm creeped out.

"Description begins in the writer's imagination, but should finish in the reader's." - Stephen King

Alistair Cooke

I remember when Alistair Cooke died a few years ago - "oh man, that sucks" I cleverly thought. To me he was the Masterpiece Theatre guy, a show I often watched with my dad when I was a kid even though I understood not one single moment (although I will always remember The Irish RM...I can remember my father laughing out loud twice when I was a young buck: during The Irish RM, at which I would chuckle along pretending I knew what was so funny, and when I played him my cassette tape of Bill Cosby: Himself, during which is the only time I saw him almost lose control laughing.)

But tonite I stumbled on Masterpiece Theatre: The Unseen Alistair Cooke, and I was shocked to find out not only that he had spent 58 YEARS doing a radio joint every week called Letter from America (I'm a fucking retard), but also he had a collection of journals of trips throughout America during the war, traipsing back and forth through "rural America" and getting people's reactions to the events of the day - a collection of writings largely unfound until shortly before his death in 2004 and since published as The American Home Front: 1941-1942. How had I never heard of that? Oh yeah, LC and Audrina were fighting.

Anyways. A fascinating life - 50 years in a rent-controlled apartment on 5th Avenue, THE European Gentleman to most Americans, and, according to his widow, "Not a silent farter." Awesome.

I'm Getting Older by the Minute Now

I do not have a photographic memory. Not even close. But I have always been able to remember WHERE on the page certain passages were. I can't see the words, or deliver the quote word for word, but I can picture where on the page the block of the story I remember is. I know that Scout calling out Walter Cunningham pouring syrup all over his food is on the bottom of the page on the left-hand side; I know that Stephen squeezes his eyes shut during the pandy-bat incident in the middle of the page on the right-hand side (yet I had to make sure his name was spelled with a ph, not a v.) I have no idea if this distinguishes me from anybody else, and while not allowing me to look smart by throwing out the quote at the bar to impress the ladies like a lot of people might it does no real good anyways, but it does let me find a quote I want fairly quickly if need be.

For a few days now some line I read from that Stephen King book on writing he put out has been gnawing at me; I could kinda remember it, but I wanted to use it, so I finally just now decided fuck it, I'll go get it. Bottom fourth of the page, right-hand side. I flipped though where I thought it might be. Nothing. Hmm. Coulda swore it was in this part of the book, I thought. Nope. Last resort, I simply flipped though the whole paperback, as if I had drawn a cartoon in one of the corners, and my quick flipping would make Fred Flintstone wave, or make popcorn. Whatever. Nothing. I was stumped!!!!

It finally dawned on me...do I dare look on the OTHER side, the opposite pages? Oh no no, I thought....I know where the thing is, I can see it; it's there I just keep missing it. I'm never wrong about this kind of thing.

Long story less long: made Fred juggle pineapples on the opposite pages, and blammo....there it was. Direct opposite of where I thought it was. Grrrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaat.

The final steps before my brain finally gets shoved off the boat like Pussy after Tony and Paulie and Little Steven shoot him. Fuuuuuuck!


UPDATE 9:27pm: redemption!!! turns out it was a different copy of the one I had read originally!!!

UPDATE 9:30pm: okay, that was a lie. Great...now I'm stupid AND pathetic. Prefect.

Ka-CHING!!!!!$$$$$$$$$$

While googling Judy Blume (cough) book covers earlier, the phrase "book cover" gave me an idea. People do song covers all the time. Entire movies are re-done and updated for the big screen. So I think I'll make a career out of BOOK COVERS. I'll re-write entire books word for word, changing only a few details - for example, if some kids are playing "Pitfall" on their Atari, I'll have them playing Grand Auto Theft on their Xbox...or whatever the fuck they're playing with. So I'll get rich as an "author", actually typing about 50 words a book! I'M A GENIUS!!!!!!

What I've Done in the Last 60 Minutes

Image-Googled Judy Blume books, going through about 35 years of yearly releases of her many books and picking out the cover of each corresponding one I read as a kid.

Sigh. QUITE a life I'm putting together over here.

ALSO: watching Bang the Drum Slowly for the first time. Fucking christ...earnest, picked-upon half-wit slowly dying AND baseball. 7:55 will be waterworks central over here at Xmastime.

Sigh.

The Xmastime Sunday Brunch Radio Hour!

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A Funny Elmo Remark

I've been screaming for months re: the current economic climate coupled with severe infrastructure decay makes this the perfect time to kick into gear another WPA era, as I mentioned briefly HERE. We create jobs AND fix shit around the country that has slowly eroded away = economic recovery, a better looking/more useful America and everybody gets a Fist-Me Elmo in their stocking this year. FINALLY, somebody has come forth with a plan to do so. Which means, obviously, I should probably be president. Just saying.

This Day in Dallas

45 years ago today, JFK was shot and killed in Dallas. In the spirit of taking lemons and making lemonade, let's all remember that as tragic as that was and still is, it did eventually lead to the best Photoshopping job ever. Enjoy.

Awful, Horrible Irony

TODAY'S EPISODE: THE OFFICE

I got a huge crush on a woman from Germany who does not laugh. Sigh.

Tragedy/Comedy

Dogshit on the sidewalk is not funny. Dogshit on the sidewalk with a footprint smushed in the middle of it is funny.

Thinking Outside the Box

I was thinking about the saying "2 in the pink, 1 in the stink", as I'm want to do from time to time, and I wonder if I've actually bettered it:

"2 in the pink, 1 in the stink, and 5 where you blink."

Over the line? Have I been watching too much Thai scat porn again?

The Moose

So Mike Mussina, after finally winning 20, has decided to retire. And wasn't his 20th the last win at Yankee Stadium? Too lazy to look it up. Anyways, good for Moose.

When the time comes, I'm sure Op and I will go a few rounds re: whether or not Moose belongs in the Hall of Fame. And maybe a few more on how much I use "re:" too many times.

I consider myself a VERY hard marker when it comes to the Hall of Fame. I'm of the belief that such a player should transcend his own sport - in other words my criteria is pretty much "has Sistatime! ever heard of this person?" Whenever is comes down to two dudes from Elias Sport Bureau playing "Dueling Stats," I have my doubts re: a player's merit to be a Hall of Famer.

That said, if I had a vote, I would vote "no" for Moose. He's been a tremendously solid, VERY good pitcher for 18 years. 117 wins over .500 is HOF-worthy, and his having done it during the Golden Age of 'Roids AND in the tree-trunk swinging AL East makes it all that much more impressive.

But no batter ever stayed up at night "oh shit, I'm facing Moose tomorrow..." Nobody made a point of bringing their kid to the park to "witness the Great Mussina." He was never dominant, or feared, which does mean something here. If it's remotely possible to have a quiet 270 wins, he came pretty close. Just doesn't feel like a HOF to me.

HOWEVER, while I would hafta vote no, I would not argue against him either. If you wanted to vote yes for him that's fine, I wouldn't argue. And if he got in, I'd be happy for him, I'll watch his speech and applaud. There's some players who have gotten in that I've been apoplectic about, but Moose won't be one of them.

More Blathering About the Big 3

For anyone who is opposed to the auto industry bailout, Manny Moe & Jack showing up in DC in private jets is the "well, there ya go" moment. My first thought when this happened was not to really get riled up; I thought doing so would be like when there's a meeting on global warming and some jackasses smugly point out that it happened to snow on the same day. But the more I think of it, the more their tin ears bug me a little bit...how come an industry like Hollywood can figure out what audiences want to watch for their $10, but the Big 3 have completely ignored the wishes of their own demographic and continued to keep doing want they want...which has led to this. I use the word "demographic" because we are being led to believe that it's our patriotic duty to support these people; we're led to believe there's some sort of two-way street going on here. But there's not. It's only "you'll take what we give you, or you're a bad American, hey lookit me I'm rich as shit."

This kind of thinking reminds me of a few years ago - one of my favorite bars when I first moved to Williamsburg was the Halloween Bar, which featured the 32oz styrofoam container that the Nest has made famous. 90% of the time I went in, I'd order a "Big Bud"...but every once in a while I'd want, say, a vodka tonic. The exchange would go like this:

"Hiya - Big Bud?"
"Actually, I think I'll try a vodka tonic."
"Big Bud?"
"Vodka tonic, please."
"Big Bud?"
"(sigh) Yeah...Big Bud."

Guess what? I don't go to the Halloween bar anymore.

Now look at these Big 3 men, men who aren't even smart enough anymore to think "you know, if we're begging for money, maybe we shouldn't show up in private jets?" Something like that is not within their realm of thinking - it's been so long since they've had to turn their brains on, it's useless to even dream they'd consider something else. And this is who we wanna turn our money over to? You think they're gonna do anything other than take the money and go back on the same cruise control ride to complete disaster they've been on? Why would they - they know we'll just keep giving out more.

I believe in a return to great men. After all, our insistence on incompetence has surprisingly come back to shoot us in the foot, hasn't it?

Yet Something Else I Love About the West Wing

Whenever Josh is going into some deposition, and Sam tells him he should bring a lawyer.

Josh: "I am a lawyer."
Sam: "No, I mean a real one."

Always cracks me up.

New Boss in Town

Let the Hank = Fredo jokes fly!!

Nail on the Coffin

Interesting language over at ThinkProgress re: Iran acquiring enough uranium for a nuke:

But make no mistake: Iran achieved this milestone on President Bush’s watch.

I don't see how that's possible - isn't there some way to blame this on Clinton? Oh wait, just like the recession, this is all Obama's fault, right?

Some day Republicans are going to hafta come to the grips with the fact that yes, a lot of bad shit happened on Bush's watch, and some of it was because he was such a shitty president. One of my favorite things Republicans like to say is how unlucky Bush was that 9/11 "happened to him." They shrug their shoulders as if saying hey, it was bad luck, could've happened to anybody. While I do him a favor and completely ignore the memos he received about Bin Laden while playing brushfireman in Texas, my first point is that BUSH sure didn't think it was bad luck at the time, did he? He is on record yammering about how to be a great president you need a war; when 9/11 happened he was happy as a pig in shit - now he could have his war so he could be one of the "great ones," he could avenge his daddy, and he could play pretend soldier and pound his chest like a fucking idiot.

And secondly on the whole "gee, it happened to him, bad luck" thing is that yes, it happened on his watch...but he didn't have to then go and screw up anything and everything within sight, did he? Lincoln was handed the Civil War - did he panic, attack Canada and completely drive the country into the ground? No. He had a fucking brain. Same with FDR. So having 9/11 on your watch doesn't excuse every action you make thereafter. Bad shit can happen on your watch - leadership is not only getting the country through it, but finding a higher place. Bush has done niether.

And now, after 8 years of their blathering on and on about toughness, not talking to Iran etc etc, they have this on their CV. And you know why?

Cause he was a shitty fucking president.

I Am a Rock (Mostly)

I consider myself a pretty hard-assed, non-feeling cold mf when it comes to my daily dealings with Short Bus. I don't get all gushy about his cuteness, what he says blah blah blah. But I must admit. Was caught off guard and almost had something nearing a human emotion today when we were leaving class and all of a sudden he turned back to the classroom and said "bye bye, friends."

(sniff sniff...who's cutting onions in here??!?!!)

Another Great Idea

So now, according to this DVD, homosexuals are looking to flood your town and take it over. And, as Karl Rove et al have been warning us for a couple of days now, the gays are looking to become military fascists willing to use violence to get what they want. I guess my question is that if this is all true, and conservatives actually believe this, why are they so queasy about gays serving in the military? Sounds like the gays should BE the army: they're way into violence, are looking for a fight and don't mind re-locating. AND it won't matter how many of 'em die - they're all single, childless perverts going to hell anyways!

Seriously, right wingers? I'm getting tired of having to do the heavy lifting for you. I can't think of EVERYTHING for you people.

Blog Analyzed

I got this site from Sully; apparently it claims to be able to analyze a blog and determine its "type." I did mine, and got

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves. They enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Translaton: "this blog is written by a 12 year-old girl." Hmm. My brain:






Check that: a 12 year-old girl with no brain. Great.

Baffled.

First Nick Lachey flat-out dumps her. And now Tony Romo is stepping out on her, going on a date with someone else. Seriously, what's wrong with Jessica Simpson? She seems like such a nice girl. This makes me sad :(

BH 90210

In yesterday's episode, Kelly is trapped in the bathroom as a fire is engulfing the house that Steve has chosen to host the latest KEG raver. She's trapped with a girl she just met in line for the pisser, and as the smoke is pouring in and flames are coming closer, the girl turns to Kelly and actually says "If I have to die, I'm glad I'm not alone."

That's nice, isn't it? "Well, if I gotta go then I'm glad your ass is gonna burn to shit too."

First they put a man on the moon, and then they find the one person on the planet who could actually be more self-absorbed than Kelly Taylor. It's time to start believing again, people!!!

Yes, We Know...

...they're called "Fucking idiots."

Add it Up

I know it's not Point A to Point B, and anyone who knows anything can snidely shoot me down in 7 seconds about how the two don't have anything to do with each other, but there really is something incongruous about this auto industry bailout coming at a time when every 90 days oil companies are in the paper marveling at their own record-breaking profits. Camon. And I have no idea what "incongruous" means, but I'm taking a shot at it.

Snakes & Kids

I still don't know why children's tv and books feel the need to make children think snakes are safe and cuddly. Hey, I want my guys to know what snakes are, but I also want them to be wary of them, same as I would them with oncoming traffic. I also don't feel the need to make loosely-put-together electrical outlets inviting. I guess this is why I don't write children's books. Or work for Sesame Street.

Attention Songwriters:

Enough with the misuse of "heart attack." I know it's a nice ear-grabber and it makes you sound pathos-emo-dramatic, but enuff. He don't give you a heart attack, she don't make you shake like a heart attack, nobodies gonna move you like a heart attack. Shut it down for fuck's sake.

Next up: nobody "lives out loud." Knock it off.

New Words

The first time a log drops in a training potty, I move that the bowl has now been CRAPTIZED.

Life & How to Live It

Short Bus just handed me something. "Here Rats!" he said. I took it without thinking, then a minute later looked at what I was holding.

I scored 1250 on my SAT. In the 7th grade I went into the wrong Math Contest room by accident, taking a college-level geometry test instead of the 7th-grade one, and I still came in 19th out of 60. I played high school football, I served my country. I can play a musical instrument. And here I am, 36 years old, holding a booger for some kid. Unreal.

Kissing.

I've never had one of those first kisses where you just grab the girl, surprise the hell out of her and plant one. Doesn't that only happen in the movies? Closest I came was 2 New Years Eves ago - went in for the dramatic drunken moment, my mouth landed on the back of her head. Sigh.

Bruce Top 10 (cont)

Would never deign to include anything from his first two records - Bruce to me was born in 1975. But Incident on 57th Street might be sneaking into my heart. Prolly cause I'm old. And cause I know the feeling of sweat-soaked sheets.

The Beatles.

About a week ago I started thinking that it being late fall/heading into winter, it was time for me to go into one of my Beatles weeks; ie week where I listen to nothing but the Beatles. To me, the Beatles were always a fall/winter band - be it cause of their Christmas albums, or cause of the snow that's everywhere in the footage of their first trip to the USA. But as of coupla days ago, it was still too fucking warm. And I was getting crabby - November 18? Still no Beatles Xmas Week? Wtf?

This morning as I walked to the train I was caught off guard at how cold it was...could it be? I wondered...then on the train while reading An American Tragedy (thanks Ballbuster!!) I was struck by the parents' complete confusion/bafflement when their daughter leaves them a note that she's left, gone outta town. They simply could not fathom why she would have left. On the A train by now I lowered the book, and all I heard was She's Leaving Home, a super-slice from Sgt Pepper. Too close to home I thought...we'll see.

Walking back to the A train after work, I thought about that passage, and the song, and I thought to myself well, MAYBE it's cold enough to be Beatles time, but I dunno; seems like there should be a sign.

May god strike me dead if I'm lying here: I walked through the GWB Terminal and into the walkway to the train...and there was some old, withered, old guy playing the saxophone ("blowin", me and my hep cats might say), and what the fuck was he playing? Hard Days Night. I was floored. I was floored, I was dumbstruck, I smiled, I laughed, I walked, I jogged, I ran, I fucking flew onto the train; I've been singing ever since.

It's cold. It's fall. About to be winter. Guess what?

Beatles time. Period.

Paste!

Ever get the urge to walk up to somebody's computer and hit "paste"? Just fuck it, see what they're hiding on their clipboard? I mean, maybe it's "Conference room at 3:30," but MAYBE it's "eating your log was fucking awesome, yeah of course bring your cousin tomorrow night too." right? You never know. Command-V, see what's there.

Piano.

Whenever I'm playing piano, I find myself thinking "wouldn't it be more natural if the lower notes were to my right (rhythm) hand?" IE why aren't there left and right-handed pianos?

Then I remember OH YEAH, you're not a piano player, fat ass!! and I go back to guessing my weight in egg foo young brown egg sauce. Sigh.

The Promised Land

Ask any real Bruce-phile his favorite Bruce cuts, and I guarantee you The Promised Land is in his Top 10. Which always stupefies me - I get the sentiment, I get the words; but the song itself is beyond boring. Atrociously so. You know I love Bruce, but do not get it when it comes to The Promised Land.

Kristol. Baffling.

Bill Kristol on his contract here.

Ambivalent? Really?

Pro or con Kristol, I would think having an op-ed column in the New York Times, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE ON THE CONSERVATIVE SIDE, ie able to try to change shit from within, would be a veritable pearl in the oyster of writing, no? No big deal to him.

And yet if he's replaced succeeded by a "liberal" writer, all hell will fucking break loose re: "the liberal media."

Money

I'm terrible with money. Awful. Basically, I'm hoping to get married so that my wife can be in charge of all the money. One example is my loose definition of "found money." I'll dig into one pocket and be like "okay, there's $200 here...I'll use this responsibly, pay what I gotta pay, put some aside to save." Then I'll dig into my other pocket and WHAT DO YOU KNOW!!! $50!! Well, THAT $50 is different, it wasn't in the first pile; THIS is FOUND money!!! Heeeeellllllllloooooooo Turkey's Nest!!!!!

Sigh.

Palin Book Deal

So Sarah Palin has been offered a book deal for $7M. Everyone else thinking the same thing: what took so long?

Occurs to me

I don't think I've ever been out with a girl in white boots. Hmm.

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

If I was to use my “Ask the Audience” lifeline, I’d want the answer to come back fairly even across the board; each letter getting close to 25%. In other words, I’d want the audience to be as baffled as I am. How embarrassing is it when 99% of the audience know the answer? Wouldn’t you feel like a fucking idiot?

Democrats: Just when You Think They've Hit the Ceiling re: being pussies...

So Leiberman gets to keep his post as Chairman of on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs. The problem isn’t that this means Leiberman goes “unpunished” by the Democrats - “punishing” him will only be seen somehow as petty/partisan etc etc. But let’s be honest - he oversees a committee under which the subcommittees include “Oversight of Government Management” and "Investigations," and yet has conducted ZERO investigations into the current administration, which has been absolutely drenched in corruption/incompetence/who the fuck knows what. Stevie Wonder could see that "maybe I should take a peak into what these people are doing." Leiberman? nah, everything's cool, don't worry bout it. Wouldn't this suggest either gross incompetence on Leieberman's part, or his being in the tank/covering up for the Bush administration? The former is flat-out unacceptable, and logic would follow that the latter would now lead to him "all of a sudden" becoming very interested in investigating the incoming administration. It makes no sense to me why the Democrats would allow this to happen. They don't need to be seen as "punishing" Leiberman - can't they come out and say either he's done a shitty job, or they simply don't trust him, based on his previous 2 years as chairman? Wouldn't these be fairly understandable reasons to remove him as Chairman?

Ham handed

The whole Hillary Secretary of State thing seems to have been handled a little ham-handedly, no? For instance, now with the rather public vetting of Billy C, any case of Hillary deciding to turn down the job will be seen as "ooooooooooooooh, they found some juice on Bill!" and everyone will go crazy, looking to unearth teenage orgies in the Oval Office.

The Big Three

The UG and I disagree on whether or not the auto companies SHOULD be bailed out – him yay, moi nay – but ironically our respective REASONS are the same: because of what a symbol the American car is to the collective psyche of the country. Let’s be honest - all this talk of bailouts of financial institutions is scary sounding and all, but the whole national banking idea is a rather nebulous thing to 99% of people throughout the country. Some of us can bullshit you at the bar, but who the fuck knows what the hell they’re even talking about?

But cars, cars people remember. People know cars. Cars we all see and feel every day. Our first car, our first kiss in a car, 2nd base, our first new car, all of them. We have an attachment that can’t even really be explained. Banks you go to cause they’re close/on the way to work. But cars are different, and THAT’S why it’s time to let them live or die by themselves. Not bailing them out sends a message that your being an American icon doesn’t mean you can run your company like an idiot just cause you know Uncle Sam will open up his pockets when you need it…if the Big 3 are gonna revive themselves, it can only be on the backs of great men and innovation, not simply stewing in their own juices cause they’re “American.”

Haven’t we finally started learning this lesson again as a country? Eight years ago we elected George Bush. We thought we’d be fine with a buffoon caretaker, we arrogantly thought it didn’t matter who was in charge - America is a great country so things will be fine. What we forgot was great MEN make great countries, not the other way around. Landing on the moon, winning a coupla world wars, the Phoebe Cates pool scene – none of these were handed to us just cause we’re America.

If the Big 3 wanna succeed, handing out more money to the same ones who got them into this mess is not the answer. Get someone in there who’s gonna figure the shit out – smaller cars, bigger cars, electric cars, whatever. I don’t know and I don’t care - but the path they're going on now will only lead to more failure. If not bailing them out (again) is what it's going to take to get them to change direction, along with the public knowing they're in the shit and INSISTING they change things, then that's just how it is. Change or go away, give someone else a chance to get things right. This is THE industry wherein passing or failing will be felt both by the industry and the American people in a visceral/cultural way.

People 100 years ago p-shawing the thought of getting rid of horses for cars is not a correct analogy, but still seems worth saying.

Let's make some lemonade from these lemons; surely I'm not the only one who senses that this is an opportunity for greatness. The Big 3 potentially going under is the perfect amalgamation of the idea that from calamity comes greatness, our domestic policy of TITS UP, and my old friend from Mission Control: