Here in Corporate America, everyone’s having fun laughing at the costumes some of the people have worn today. There are some “stars” of the office who with their lavish, loud costumes are getting all the attention and laughs as they bray about the office. But my heart is breaking for the girl in the cubicle in the corner that has a simple pair of mouse ears on her head and nobody's talking to her. :(
UPDATE: 2:08PM. Just noticed she took the ears off. :(
UPDATE: 2:28PM. Now she's going around the office handing out cookies to everybody. There is no justice in this world.
UPDATE: 2:32PM. I took two. Poor thing.
Friday, October 31, 2008
McCain on Halloween
For all the “one heartbeat away” stuff we’ve all panted about Palin being VP, it just now occurred to me to wonder that if McCain can be so reckless with this pick, how much of a disaster would his Cabinet picks (ie "real" jobs) be? How many of those picks would be loaded with the impulsive puerile "eff- you!" impudence that has become his trademark?
Now that really IS scary.
Now that really IS scary.
A Programming Note
Halloween Last Year
The fellas!
ps - what is it about Lil Bear that Mamalizza insists on giving him wings?!??!!?! ;)
ps - what is it about Lil Bear that Mamalizza insists on giving him wings?!??!!?! ;)
Halloween Means One Thing...
...my razor/apple riff from '07!
And does anyone know anyone who knows anyone who actually got the 'ol razor in the apple? Seems like if anyone pulled that on a kid he'd get busted - seriously, if some asshole tried to pass an apple off on you during trick or treating, you'd fucking remember who it was, no? And what kid came home, dumped out his bag of candy on the table and immediately reached over the piles of Snickers and candy corn to shove an APPLE into his mouth? Who's this Poindexter? I would think you'd eventually SEE a razor since by the time you had gorged on your loot the damn thing woulda rotted away. "Oh look, there's a razor in this apple."
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I Don't Get It...
...tomorrow night they're airing It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. That is, on Halloween night. So obviously these people own calendars...so why do they fucking miss so wildly on the dates when it comes to the Thanksgiving and Christmas specials? WTF?My Valentine's Day brilliance HERE.
UPDATE: turns out they DID already show it. grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!
Oh, It's Coming.
Since the weekend is where news gets buried, can we assume it will be Monday when the McCain campaign comes out with it's inevitable "His kind will take over if you elect him!!" commercial? Are we supposed to pretend to be surprised when it does?
Red Meat
That someone would say stupid shit like this is no surprise to me; put a camera in front of any jackass and he'll try to say something to get on the news. But I'm always floored by the audience response to such things. Where do they find hundreds of idiots to lose their minds whenever one of these jagoffs says something this inane? I mean, I feel like I could get up and deliver the Gettysburg Address, and the crowd would be fairly muted. But with today's "red meat" audiences, there is nothing a speaker can say that is too outrageously false for an audience to think for a split second before they, on cue, lose their minds applauding. Unreal. The only thing I can figure out is that the GOP has hired the audience from KISS Alive! and is herding them from event to event. Otherwise, I am baffled.
What the...
Until about 30 seconds ago, I didn't think it was even remotely possible something could happen between now and Tuesday to change my vote. Then I saw THIS.
Hmm. Rethinking things.
Hmm. Rethinking things.
Guest Post: THEODORE!
Exxon Mobil posts biggest US quarterly profit ever - $14.83B
HA! All you liberal tree-hugging surrender monkeys can suck a bag of rocks. All your crying about the economy, your fucking boo-hooing about the price of gas and looky here - SOMEone is making money at a record pace! Quit crying for government handouts, pull yourselves up by the bootstraps and make something of yourself, for fuck's sake!! Hell, I bet next quarter we'll be reading about Exxon making an even BIGGER profit - all while you're curling up in the fetal position waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh "I can't buy gas! wwaaaaaaaaahhhh I gotta work two jobs, I'm losing my house!"
Quit feeling sorry for yourself, and think "hey, if Exxon can make $1907 profit every second of the day, why can't I?" It's called free-market capitalism, for chrissake.
MCCAIN IN 5 DAYS YOU BIG PUSSIES,
THEODORE
LISTS
What I'm Into These Days Re: Women
Glasses
Suspenders riding over titties (yes baby, I SEE them! relax!)
Shiny, silky shirts
Five Costumes You Will See Everywhere Tomorrow Night
Joe the Plumber
Sarah Palin
Tina Fey as Sarah Palin
Whore/Slut/Fuckpig
Amy Winehouse
Five People Who Will Be Dead By Valentine's Day
John Wooden
Nancy Reagan
Bob Shepherd
The guy that played Tom Cruise's dad in Risky Business
Sam Ronson (dark horse)
Glasses
Suspenders riding over titties (yes baby, I SEE them! relax!)
Shiny, silky shirts
Five Costumes You Will See Everywhere Tomorrow Night
Joe the Plumber
Sarah Palin
Tina Fey as Sarah Palin
Whore/Slut/Fuckpig
Amy Winehouse
Five People Who Will Be Dead By Valentine's Day
John Wooden
Nancy Reagan
Bob Shepherd
The guy that played Tom Cruise's dad in Risky Business
Sam Ronson (dark horse)
Lil Pearl
As there's no chance in hell I'm outliving his parents, I've always assumed my main job as Lil Bear's Godfather is to make sure he doesn't play soccer when he gets older. But then last night I was watching Black Magic for the third time and I caught something I never had before, that Earl the Pearl was a soccer star in high school. A dilemma: good enough for Black Jesus, but not Lil bear? Really? Shouldn't I welcome Lil Bear playing soccer if The Pearl once played it?
Answer: of course not!!!!!! But boy, I really had to work it out in my head for a long while last night. Being the Godfather isn't all popsicles and Hormel toothpaste, you know.
Answer: of course not!!!!!! But boy, I really had to work it out in my head for a long while last night. Being the Godfather isn't all popsicles and Hormel toothpaste, you know.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The Hawk is Out Tonight!
And I fucking love it...a three comforter night! Going to bed now to curl up. Sigh.
World Series
I'm not a Phillies fan, but it's great seeing them win the Series just so the stupid fucking Mets fans can go fuck themselves. As these idiots scratch their heads wondering why MLB didn't simply name them the World Series Champs each of the last two years ("but we're the best team, I swear!!!"), they must be wondering "Gee, did the guys not do enough 10-minute dance routines after every base hit during the season? Wait, is it NOT good to choke like complete pussies at the end of every year?"
HA!!!!!!
I just noticed that for a prize they give the World Series MVP...a car. Wow. Cause if there's one thing a young dude with tons of money has yet to buy, it's probably a car. Thanks! Also, this being Philly, does the MVP get to choose which fan gets to flip the car over and set it on fire outside a police station? Curious to know.
New Orleans Weekend: Titties, Toilet Bowls, and Flying
As you may have guessed by the lack of posts over the weekend, I made it on my plane Thursday without any current id. It should warm your heartstrings at what a great job the airport security people are doing – the first guy was thrilled to have somebody to “riff” with once he saw my military id (exp 1996) that I even brought out my Costco membership card to really get some laughs and ensure that I was gonna be let through. I guess Gallagher never has any trouble getting thru airport security. Then on the way back, the 90 year-old guy checking got annoyed that it was taking more than 4 seconds to see the documents I tried to show him and grunted me through. Sweet!
Oh yeah, my birth certificate arrived…14 minutes after we left for the airport. Though it prolly wouldn’t have been needed. But let’s thank Sistatime! for stepping in (applause.)
But as I was sitting on the plane waiting for takeoff, something occurred to me…why is First Class in the front of the plane? I mean, aren’t they supposed to be the cool kids of the plane? In what other instance of society do the cool people sit in front? Didn’t all the cool kids sit on the back of the bus? Back of the class? Of course they did! They sat in the back and made fun of the nerds in front, as society decrees!! But airplanes have it backwards. And there’s barely even a curtain to divide the two sections, so we can easily look into the First Class section to see what they’re doing. Now, if they were in the BACK of the plane, you’d spend the whole flight wondering what the hell they were doing back there; assuming that Led Zeppelin was doing an acoustic set while Emeril was rolling homemade crepes on Hooters girls’ titties. But since we can see their section, we actually know what they’re doing: the exact same shit as us. Sitting in a seat reading a newspaper. So now you think oh I see, you’re doing the exact same shit I am, but are willing to pay twice as much for it so as not to be seen sitting with, you know, ME. So there’s not even an allure of cool mystery about the First Class section. It’s just “hey look at us, we’re assholes!” Seems like nobody thought this one through.
Also. Why are there still “No Smoking” signs on every airplane? Hasn’t it been about 20 years since smoking was banned? Is this still a problem; has anyone ever seen anyone in the last 15 years get caught smoking while unawares? “I can’t smoke on this plane?? When did THIS happen????” And doesn’t that set up a “well, I didn’t know I couldn’t punch the stewardess, there wasn’t a sign NOT to…I knew I wasn’t allowed to smoke, but I have to plead ignorance on this one, Your Honor”? Or should we just assume that there has never been an airplane built after 1987? Gee, that’s comforting.
The part of flying I’m most terrified of is taking off and landing, and during this flight I decided that if I had to crash, I’d prefer it be on the landing end of the trip. For one, at least you can feel like you got your money’s worth. “Well, they said they’d take me to Vegas, and here we are…(bursting in flames.)” And dying anywhere other than where you live has to feel a little more glamorous, right? I mean, you did pay a bunch of money to fly to somewhere, so it must be a cool place, I would think.
And finally – the fucking unloading of the plane. This a fucking nightmare. It’s exactly like the goddam bus; you stand up, grab your bag, and then stand without moving for 15 minutes. Sounds like sex in the gym shower, no? Anyway – seriously, how can it possibly take so long? How much shit can you have carried on that it takes so long to fucking unfold/delouse while we all stand there? I would like to introduce a new rule: The 30-Second Rule. When the seatbelt sign goes off, ONLY the people who think they can get their shit and themselves off the plane in 30 seconds are allowed to get out of their seat. That should clear out about ¾ of the plane, leaving the fuckwads who have apparently spent the flight laying out a royal wedding china table setting in the carrier bins to take their sweet time exiting the fucking plane.
Oh yeah, and ps – I’d like to see the law that makes it legal for you people to call “pretzels” a “snack pack.”
Oh yeah, my birth certificate arrived…14 minutes after we left for the airport. Though it prolly wouldn’t have been needed. But let’s thank Sistatime! for stepping in (applause.)
But as I was sitting on the plane waiting for takeoff, something occurred to me…why is First Class in the front of the plane? I mean, aren’t they supposed to be the cool kids of the plane? In what other instance of society do the cool people sit in front? Didn’t all the cool kids sit on the back of the bus? Back of the class? Of course they did! They sat in the back and made fun of the nerds in front, as society decrees!! But airplanes have it backwards. And there’s barely even a curtain to divide the two sections, so we can easily look into the First Class section to see what they’re doing. Now, if they were in the BACK of the plane, you’d spend the whole flight wondering what the hell they were doing back there; assuming that Led Zeppelin was doing an acoustic set while Emeril was rolling homemade crepes on Hooters girls’ titties. But since we can see their section, we actually know what they’re doing: the exact same shit as us. Sitting in a seat reading a newspaper. So now you think oh I see, you’re doing the exact same shit I am, but are willing to pay twice as much for it so as not to be seen sitting with, you know, ME. So there’s not even an allure of cool mystery about the First Class section. It’s just “hey look at us, we’re assholes!” Seems like nobody thought this one through.
Also. Why are there still “No Smoking” signs on every airplane? Hasn’t it been about 20 years since smoking was banned? Is this still a problem; has anyone ever seen anyone in the last 15 years get caught smoking while unawares? “I can’t smoke on this plane?? When did THIS happen????” And doesn’t that set up a “well, I didn’t know I couldn’t punch the stewardess, there wasn’t a sign NOT to…I knew I wasn’t allowed to smoke, but I have to plead ignorance on this one, Your Honor”? Or should we just assume that there has never been an airplane built after 1987? Gee, that’s comforting.
The part of flying I’m most terrified of is taking off and landing, and during this flight I decided that if I had to crash, I’d prefer it be on the landing end of the trip. For one, at least you can feel like you got your money’s worth. “Well, they said they’d take me to Vegas, and here we are…(bursting in flames.)” And dying anywhere other than where you live has to feel a little more glamorous, right? I mean, you did pay a bunch of money to fly to somewhere, so it must be a cool place, I would think.
And finally – the fucking unloading of the plane. This a fucking nightmare. It’s exactly like the goddam bus; you stand up, grab your bag, and then stand without moving for 15 minutes. Sounds like sex in the gym shower, no? Anyway – seriously, how can it possibly take so long? How much shit can you have carried on that it takes so long to fucking unfold/delouse while we all stand there? I would like to introduce a new rule: The 30-Second Rule. When the seatbelt sign goes off, ONLY the people who think they can get their shit and themselves off the plane in 30 seconds are allowed to get out of their seat. That should clear out about ¾ of the plane, leaving the fuckwads who have apparently spent the flight laying out a royal wedding china table setting in the carrier bins to take their sweet time exiting the fucking plane.
Oh yeah, and ps – I’d like to see the law that makes it legal for you people to call “pretzels” a “snack pack.”
What's the Word For...
...refusing to eat anything with chocolate in it if there's no cold milk available?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Joe the Plumberberg
I saw this over at Think Progress, and I don't know what's more amazing: that we're supposed to really believe Joe the Plumber has any thoughts on our relationship with Israel, or that after about 5 minutes of talking to this stooge a FOX News commentator was practically sprinting to the polls to vote for Obama. Awesome.
ps - I dont know why it posted twice, cant fix it. live with it.
ps - I dont know why it posted twice, cant fix it. live with it.
Spreading the Bullshit
McCain likes to claim that as an “energy expert,” Palin is without peer in the whole country. Which, of course, is ludicrous - there are smart people that dedicate their careers to the study of energy, and Palin is not one of them.
And it turns out that her biggest relationship with energy is taking the windfall profits from the oil companies and giving it to the citizens of Alaska simply for living there. Not just the ones who worked to make the oil as profitable as it is, but EVERYbody. Isn’t this about as big a single example of “spreading the wealth” by a single politician as can be found anywhere? And yet we are led to believe that for Obama to suggest it is to suggest socialism, Marxism, communism, kickingpuppiesintheheadism, and on and on. Why has this not been brought up more in the "LEFT-WING, LIBERAL!!!" media? Fascinating to me.
And it turns out that her biggest relationship with energy is taking the windfall profits from the oil companies and giving it to the citizens of Alaska simply for living there. Not just the ones who worked to make the oil as profitable as it is, but EVERYbody. Isn’t this about as big a single example of “spreading the wealth” by a single politician as can be found anywhere? And yet we are led to believe that for Obama to suggest it is to suggest socialism, Marxism, communism, kickingpuppiesintheheadism, and on and on. Why has this not been brought up more in the "LEFT-WING, LIBERAL!!!" media? Fascinating to me.
Can We Cut Maverick Out of the Dictionary after Tuesday?
Like anyone who hasn’t been buried under 3 miles of bedrock for the last few weeks, I am bemused at the McCain camp being so pissed at Palin for “going rogue.” After all, isn't that what "mavericks" do? Didn't he promise that he was gonna take her to DC where she would bitch-slap Congress, breaking her titties off in their asses while doing whatever the hell she wanted as a "maverick reformer"? Can one really expect to rein in a maverick? And wouldn't another maverick know this? Doesn't this belie both their claims of being "mavericks"?
Mostly though I laughed at "...long-brewing tensions between Palin and key aides to McCain were on the rise."
Really? "long-brewing tensions?" haven't these two known each other for about two months? I've sat on the bowl longer than that trying to cough up a trip to Wendy's for chrissake. "Long-brewing." wtf.
Mostly though I laughed at "...long-brewing tensions between Palin and key aides to McCain were on the rise."
Really? "long-brewing tensions?" haven't these two known each other for about two months? I've sat on the bowl longer than that trying to cough up a trip to Wendy's for chrissake. "Long-brewing." wtf.
Monday, October 27, 2008
What's the Word For...
... a smoking hot chick with low-riding jeans on, but no matter how many times she crouches or bends over, no matter how low down on her ass the jeans slide down, you never see her crack or even a tongety tong-tong? Wtf?
Shit makes me sad, is all.
:(
Shit makes me sad, is all.
:(
I'm Wondering
RRTHUR (yes ladies, THAT RRTHUR!!!) and I were riding back from the airport last night; we grabbed a cab and the plan was to drop him off first and then myself. It was like 9pm, so we knew it should be a quick ride, and when we rolled up at his joint the meter was about $17. Which I didn't think was too bad, and I thought it would be about another $6 or so bucks across the neighborhood to my loft, which would be fine. We take off, and I notice we're hitting EVERY SINGLE FUCKING RED LIGHT. Every single one. Needless to say my blood is boiling as I watch the meter run up as we're sitting there. Then I notice something I've never seen before - I see that directly ahead of us is another taxi, and I see by his roof sign that his cab is vacant. And then I start to fucking notice that this cab, the empty one, seems to fucking be going super slow. Taxis are famous for dangerously speeding down the street; this dude seemed to be on a sightseeing tour. "Oooohh...the White Castle! oooohh, bodega!!!! ooooh, bodega!!"
And then the paranoia started in - I noticed that with dipshit slowing us down, we managed to again hit EVERY FUCKING RED LIGHT!!! I was doing fucking pushups in the backseat, I was so furious. And I allowed myself to fucking wonder: is this something the taxi driver fraternity does for one another? If your cab is empty and there's one behind you with a rider, is there some sort of code that tells the first one to go sloooooooow so that as many red lights are caught, therein driving up the price? Is this possible?
Probably not. But you couldn't have told me that last night. Unreal. Another $16 to go exactly one mile. Thanks to Team Shithead Taxi!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then the paranoia started in - I noticed that with dipshit slowing us down, we managed to again hit EVERY FUCKING RED LIGHT!!! I was doing fucking pushups in the backseat, I was so furious. And I allowed myself to fucking wonder: is this something the taxi driver fraternity does for one another? If your cab is empty and there's one behind you with a rider, is there some sort of code that tells the first one to go sloooooooow so that as many red lights are caught, therein driving up the price? Is this possible?
Probably not. But you couldn't have told me that last night. Unreal. Another $16 to go exactly one mile. Thanks to Team Shithead Taxi!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ATTN: CONNECTICUT
Will you motherfuckers get your heads out of your asses and vote this fucking douchebag out of office as soon as possible? for fuck's sake. Why doesn't he just tattoo "Will Suck Dick of the Highest Bidder" on his fucking forehead? He is the Undecided Voter of the fucking Senate. "Hey, I want some attention, maybe I'll be on your team!!"
I'm a Loser, Take 982
It's maybe not fair to point out one of McCain's "low moments" (see below) without bringing up the fact that I just spent the last 18 minutes googling my favorite stripper from New Orleans this past weekend. Wow.
Free Publicity for The Big Dipper
ATF disrupts skinhead plot to assassinate Obama:
When I first saw this headline, I wanted to make a joke linking it to the old anecdote about the NBA player who scored 2 points in a game in which Wilt Chamberlain scored 69 and went on to brag for years about the night that he and Wilt the Stilt combined for 71 points. As I was patting myself on the back for being so witty, it occurred to me that for a while now I've been looking forward to the unbelievable lift of possibility Obama winning will give to black people (I'm assuming.) Now I'm wondering what the ratio of that group will be to the number of whites who not only feel like their keys to the kingdom are threatened, but are willing to do something violent about it. And while I've made jokes here about the possibility of Obama being assassinated (let's be honest, THIS is funny!!!), I don't know if I've really thought a lot about any OTHER black person being attacked. Certainly not in these numbers, or with such pre-meditation. Not good.
WASHINGTON (AP) - The ATF says it has broken up a plot to assassinate Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and shoot or decapitate 102 black people in a Tennessee murder spree.
When I first saw this headline, I wanted to make a joke linking it to the old anecdote about the NBA player who scored 2 points in a game in which Wilt Chamberlain scored 69 and went on to brag for years about the night that he and Wilt the Stilt combined for 71 points. As I was patting myself on the back for being so witty, it occurred to me that for a while now I've been looking forward to the unbelievable lift of possibility Obama winning will give to black people (I'm assuming.) Now I'm wondering what the ratio of that group will be to the number of whites who not only feel like their keys to the kingdom are threatened, but are willing to do something violent about it. And while I've made jokes here about the possibility of Obama being assassinated (let's be honest, THIS is funny!!!), I don't know if I've really thought a lot about any OTHER black person being attacked. Certainly not in these numbers, or with such pre-meditation. Not good.
Give Me Liberty, or Give Me a Mild Bruise - Maybe a Light Sprain If the Shit Gets For Reals
"Fear is the most powerful enemy of reason" - Al Gore
People walking out rather than spewing his racist bullshit is the latest "wow" low moment for the McCain campaign. It's amazing to me that this late, McCain is still stooping so low with this shit - you'd think that he'd see the writing on the wall and use this time to somehow patch together his legacy as best as he can. While I know I myself will never again be able to see McCain without thinking of how he ran this campaign, which opened the door to looking into history at the "real McCain," I also know that time softens, and before too long (after some sappy post-election "It's time to put differences aside and join hands for America" speech bullshit) he'll slide back into his "war hero maverick" status as we all forget how he tried to take a country already worn down by fear and hatred and completely drive them into the ground by it. This walkout (by people that I'm assuming aren't millionaires and are actually affected by loss of a day's pay) is the latest symbol of people saying "enough; this is no way to live." And in doing so, ironically, they did something way more "maverick-y" than McCain has done in years.
I wrote about the inevitability of choosing living over fear HERE.
People walking out rather than spewing his racist bullshit is the latest "wow" low moment for the McCain campaign. It's amazing to me that this late, McCain is still stooping so low with this shit - you'd think that he'd see the writing on the wall and use this time to somehow patch together his legacy as best as he can. While I know I myself will never again be able to see McCain without thinking of how he ran this campaign, which opened the door to looking into history at the "real McCain," I also know that time softens, and before too long (after some sappy post-election "It's time to put differences aside and join hands for America" speech bullshit) he'll slide back into his "war hero maverick" status as we all forget how he tried to take a country already worn down by fear and hatred and completely drive them into the ground by it. This walkout (by people that I'm assuming aren't millionaires and are actually affected by loss of a day's pay) is the latest symbol of people saying "enough; this is no way to live." And in doing so, ironically, they did something way more "maverick-y" than McCain has done in years.
I wrote about the inevitability of choosing living over fear HERE.
Ironically, the last 7 years or so of relentless fear-mongering by the administration have made me LESS scared than I could have possibly been before. You can only be told so many times about entire races of people desperately looking to SWARM over the country and destroy everyone in sight before thinking “well, where are they? if they so desperately wanted me dead because I have an iPod, well then they prolly woulda done it by now.” While I’m waiting for our inevitable slaughter, I wouldn’t mind having some health care/being able to buy gas/send my kid to college without selling my sperm etc (a conundrum...if I'm selling my sperm, where's the kid come from???!!! Next week on Nova!!!) Let the military that we love to cry over how brave and heroic they are do their jobs, and in the meantime let’s make sure we’re a country worth blowing up in the first place.Also HERE.
Strike Two
A few weeks ago The UG found itself about to be on the unfortunate end of an ass-kicking from yours truly. SIX TIMES I tried to post a comment on one of his..."posts"...(cough) and, for some reason, kept getting rejected. Now, as the UG and I are buddies, I felt sorry for him, and showed mercy by not burying his..."blog"?...in the "Graveyard of Shit Blogs that Xmastime has Destroyed" aka THE BLOGYARD.
And then today, it happened AGAIN. I had thrown some charity his way by attaching my name to his blog by commenting on some stupid shit he was blathering about, feeling good about helping somebody else out for once, and...BLAMMO! Comment rejected!!
I am losing my patience with UG. He is one rejected comment away from Strike 3 - a fact I feel important enough to list on my own blog, to get the message across. And since people actually VISIT my blog.
UG: WARNED.
SIDE NOTE: the post here. To whit I replied in agreement, to say nothing of having done it 2 1/2 years before UG got his head out of his ass:
4) We’re in America, so quit fucking saying “cheers!” when drinking. Whenever anyone says that I automatically think “must be gay.” The only way you can get away with this is if you’re actually British. Which is ironic, since if you’re British, I’ll think you’re gay.
From the Gospel According to Things are Good.
And then today, it happened AGAIN. I had thrown some charity his way by attaching my name to his blog by commenting on some stupid shit he was blathering about, feeling good about helping somebody else out for once, and...BLAMMO! Comment rejected!!
I am losing my patience with UG. He is one rejected comment away from Strike 3 - a fact I feel important enough to list on my own blog, to get the message across. And since people actually VISIT my blog.
UG: WARNED.
SIDE NOTE: the post here. To whit I replied in agreement, to say nothing of having done it 2 1/2 years before UG got his head out of his ass:
4) We’re in America, so quit fucking saying “cheers!” when drinking. Whenever anyone says that I automatically think “must be gay.” The only way you can get away with this is if you’re actually British. Which is ironic, since if you’re British, I’ll think you’re gay.
From the Gospel According to Things are Good.
New Orleans Weekend Part I: It Wasn't All Titties and Toilet Bowls
Coming Up: New Orleans Weekend, Part II: Titties and Toilet Bowls.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
My Birth By the Numbers
(click on picture for larger image)1 - OH yeah; some of you ladies out there know about that one!
2 - Ah yes - Day 1 of "The Streak." (sobbing, head in hands)
3 - Ironically, "Prince William" was almost my name. Even more ironically, recently people have started calling me "County of Residence." (taking Kam Sing off 1-touch dialing)
4 - No wonder I 1) don't like spicy foods 2) can't drive 3) am sleeping with a priest.
5 - DAMN RIGHT!!!
6 - DAMN RIGHT!!!
7 - That's so weird...my high school girlfriend was a 4 also. Hmm. Dr. Freud, will you confirm me as your friend on Facebook?
8 - Got nuthin.
9 - Ah yes, the Garnett twins...and that was back when getting to "3rd base" meant something!
10 - 8:37am arrival! As Franklin once famously said: "Early to bed, early to rise, Xmastime once got a rim job." So there ya go - get outta bed! Live your life!
School's Out!
I joked last week about Levi BabbyDaddy dropping out of high school. But I didn't realize til Sully mentioned it this morning that Palin's oldest son is also a dropout. And I also agree with him: why the fuck aren't these kids in school? I mean, I know that her base hates anyone who has read more than one book (guess which one), but she's taking it to the extreme, isn't he?
Jobs in America
So these snobby, book-smart liberal elite mfers have come out with the fact that Bush created 4.8 million jobs while ‘tax and spend’ Clinton created 23 million. What these French surrender-monkey commies still don't get is that there is ONLY ONE JOB CREATED UNDER CLINTON THAT MATTERED!!!!!!
Getting blown by your mistress = FRENCH
Creating 20 million fewer jobs and destroying the economy but being faithful to your wife = AMERICAN
JWSLIOLIA!!!!*
*Jesus Would Say Love It or Leave It, Asshole!!!!
Getting blown by your mistress = FRENCH
Creating 20 million fewer jobs and destroying the economy but being faithful to your wife = AMERICAN
JWSLIOLIA!!!!*
*Jesus Would Say Love It or Leave It, Asshole!!!!
Walter Reed
...for combat dogs opens. Let's hope they run that operation better than they have the real Walter Reed (sorry rats, no offense.)
Hey, now McCain has even more Veteran Benefits he can cut repeatedly when he gets back to the Senate. Good for him!
On a related note, I remember reading this book a few years book. Was AMAZED at the tremendous rate of success these dogs had during WWII. Incredible.
Hey, now McCain has even more Veteran Benefits he can cut repeatedly when he gets back to the Senate. Good for him!
On a related note, I remember reading this book a few years book. Was AMAZED at the tremendous rate of success these dogs had during WWII. Incredible.
FINALLY!!
After all the newspapers rolling in with their endorsements for Obama, and Colin Powell's famous endorsement this Sunday, FINALLY someone has come out to endorse McCain!
Thanks guys!
Thanks guys!
Airport Update
So SistaTime!! luckily found my birth certificate and is overnighting it to me. Hopefully I will get it early enough in the am to be able to make a mad dash for the airport and sweet-talk security...all so I can get on a plane. WHICH I FUCKING HATE!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Slavery 2008
The idea of redistributing wealth to the already wealthy (and the whole "Trickle Down Economics" fucking nonsense) is very akin fundamentally to slavery. Keep passing all the wealth amongst ourselves so that nobody else can get it, keeping the lower classes down? Sure! Enslave an entire race of people so that we can have cheap free labor, making even bigger profits for ourselves, keeping the lower classes down? Why not??!!
Both scenarios fall into the "Because they can" category. Nobody kept slaves because they genuinely thought black people were sub-human, created by God to be possessed by people with enough money to buy them. They did it cause the opportunity of keeping themselves wealthy while taking away any threat of the "have-nots" getting a hold of that wealth presented itself. Same with these absurd tax cuts - nobody pulling the strings for it actually thinks it's good for the economy, and will somehow "trickle" down to the non-wealthy. They do it cause they have the power to do so. Therein keeping themselves in their positions of power and wealth while making sure there's millions of people that are helpless to do anything about it. Sounds familiar, don't it?
Both scenarios fall into the "Because they can" category. Nobody kept slaves because they genuinely thought black people were sub-human, created by God to be possessed by people with enough money to buy them. They did it cause the opportunity of keeping themselves wealthy while taking away any threat of the "have-nots" getting a hold of that wealth presented itself. Same with these absurd tax cuts - nobody pulling the strings for it actually thinks it's good for the economy, and will somehow "trickle" down to the non-wealthy. They do it cause they have the power to do so. Therein keeping themselves in their positions of power and wealth while making sure there's millions of people that are helpless to do anything about it. Sounds familiar, don't it?
Yes Fuckwads, I Will Run Your Campaign in 2012
I don't really care how much the RNC spent on Palin's clothing and accessories except that it shows how stupid the fucking campaign is - ONCE AGAIN getting caught looking bad for something that IS NOT GOING TO HELP GET THEM GET ELECTED ANYWAY!!!!! If I had been in charge, I would've spent exactly $59.00...AND GOTTEN A WIN IN A FUCKING LANDSLIDE!!!
Jesus christ. If you're gonna look bad in the press, at least fucking win!!!
Jesus christ. If you're gonna look bad in the press, at least fucking win!!!
Suckered
Never-minding his flubs here (he IS 439 years old, so I'll give him a pass), I find it interesting that McCain says "...Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most God-loving, most patriotic part of America." Cause McCain isn't from Western Pennsylvania. And has never lived in Western Pennsylvania. Therefore, is he saying that the people from Western Pennsylvania are more patriotic and God-loving than himself? Following that logic, why then would the people from Western Pennsylvania vote for someone less patriotic than themselves?
RFK Jr
Robert Kennedy is one of my all-time guys. You know this. And I've always liked what RFK Jr has done too...but he's almost unlistenable, isn't he? Jesus, that voice...he sounds like Katherine Hepburn telling a girlfriend about just getting dumped, doesn't he? Ack.
McCain On the Membrane
I'm not sure I understand why he thinks he is somehow more "tested" by foreign powers as a president as Obama is. First of all, I don't remember McCain being president at any time in the past. So it seems to me that both of them have the exact same number of days in the Oval Office: 0. BOTH of them are "untested" as presidents so far; I doubt that if anybody wanted to "test" Obama they wouldn't try the same with McCain. "Oh the old guy won, let's put our missiles away and start a new democracy." Hmm.
Also, does McCain not understand that being a fighter pilot following orders is a different kind of test than the one he is claiming Obama is not ready for; ie a presidential test of CHOOSING whether or not to fight a foreign power? Does he not get that? Or does he think we should carefully inspect every single soldier/sailor we have to see that they're also ready to be "tested"? Really?
Also, does McCain not understand that being a fighter pilot following orders is a different kind of test than the one he is claiming Obama is not ready for; ie a presidential test of CHOOSING whether or not to fight a foreign power? Does he not get that? Or does he think we should carefully inspect every single soldier/sailor we have to see that they're also ready to be "tested"? Really?
Update
on yesterday's "This post has it all!" post.
The "Now it is complete" moment: COMPLETE DENIAL.
Gee. Didn't see THAT ONE coming!
This jackoff just keeps giving, doesn't he? Can HE run in 2012??!??!!!!
The "Now it is complete" moment: COMPLETE DENIAL.
Gee. Didn't see THAT ONE coming!
This jackoff just keeps giving, doesn't he? Can HE run in 2012??!??!!!!
Admirable
That people are racist is no surprise to me. But it IS surprising to see the time and energy people will actually put in to show their racism. Like the hecklers at this rally, for instance. On one hand, I'm horrified by their sentiments. On the other, I marvel that in the middle of a beautiful Sunday afternoon, these people decided to get up, drive down to the local polling joint, and stand around for a few hours yelling at people for voting for a black dude. Awesome. I mean, if we could bottle that drive and ambition we could prolly take over the world or keep Amy Winehouse alive, right? Camon people!!
The Corporate Shitter
I love the anonymity of the corporate world, in particular the bathroom situation. I am usually a timid dumper if I think I’m within 50 yards of another human being that knows me. Hey, I know what I’m doing in there is not human. I think that if anybody hears me, I'll get sent to the zoo. But the beauty here is, not only does nobody in the office know me, but I can even GO TO ANOTHER BATHROOM ON ANOTHER FLOOR!!!!!!
So hell, it don’t MATTER what I do in the stall there, what horrific noise is going on...I can huff and puff and scream and bring two chickens together and smash them in to each other; the WORST case scenario is when I step out to wash my hands there’s some dude standing there I’ll never, ever see again. “Hey guy, how’s things?” Corporate America. Fucking awesome.
On a side note, I also love how everyting is automatic. Stick your hand out, soap automatically shoots out. Same with the water and paper towels. I like that, it’s like the powers that be are saying “you know, we trust you to put out this multi-million dollar magazine every week, but washing up after you shit yourself? Yeah, you better let us take care of that...”
So hell, it don’t MATTER what I do in the stall there, what horrific noise is going on...I can huff and puff and scream and bring two chickens together and smash them in to each other; the WORST case scenario is when I step out to wash my hands there’s some dude standing there I’ll never, ever see again. “Hey guy, how’s things?” Corporate America. Fucking awesome.
On a side note, I also love how everyting is automatic. Stick your hand out, soap automatically shoots out. Same with the water and paper towels. I like that, it’s like the powers that be are saying “you know, we trust you to put out this multi-million dollar magazine every week, but washing up after you shit yourself? Yeah, you better let us take care of that...”
Monday, October 20, 2008
PF Sloan
I don't think I made it clear in Sunday's radio hour that P.F. Sloan, most famous for writing Eve of Destruction, was also the brain child of The Grass Roots, and not only wrote but sang many of their hits, including Where Were you When I Needed You. So here's a clip of him playing it (part, anyway). Worlds on my brunch hour colliding!!! :)
ps - updated recording of Eve of Destruction HERE, with Frank Black and Buddy Miller.
pps - dude also wrote Secret Agent Man.
ps - updated recording of Eve of Destruction HERE, with Frank Black and Buddy Miller.
pps - dude also wrote Secret Agent Man.
I Fucking Hate Life and Want to Die
As dumb, drunk and irrespionsible as I've always been, I have never lost my wallet. ever. I've come home shirtless, missing a shoe; some of you may remember Short Bus was a twin before I became his Manny (for fuck's sake; how many times can you tell somebody "I'm SORRY I lost your kid!!!!!!"???) But never my wallet.
Also, I rarely ever actually need my i.d. I don't frequent fancy clubs, and I've flown twice in the last decade. So of course I'm flying this Thursday and...TA-TA! Wallet has disappeared! RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT on schedule. Thank you, god.
So a friend recommended calling the airline, giving them a heads-up to see what I can do so I can get on the plane if my wallet still has not shown up. So I did. And this is how it went.
XMAS: Hi, I (insert sob story here)
AIRLINE: Hmmm...okay, lessee...do you have any other picture ids?
XMAS: No.
AIRLINE: Do you have a passport?
XMAS:No.
AIRLINE: Do you have any government-issued id?
XMAS: Wha...would I be calling if I did?
AIRLINE: If you have a military picture id, that would work.
XMAS: Really.
AIRLINE: Hmmmm, let's see....
XMAS: I dunno, I thought maybe if I called ahead...
AIRLINE: yeah, yeah..
XMAS: you know
AIRLINE: you don't have ANY picture id you can bring in?
XMAS: (head boiling)
AIRLINE: no Passport?
XMAS: -
AIRLINE: no driver's license?
HEAD BLOWN TO BITS, FLYING OUT WINDOW, NOT BEFORE RE-PLAYING CONVERSATION IN OWN HEAD TO MAKE SURE I HEARD RIGHT
AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH! I'm surprised she didn't ask me to bring in my White House Chief of Staff "In Case of Nuclear Attack" photo id. AAARARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Also, I rarely ever actually need my i.d. I don't frequent fancy clubs, and I've flown twice in the last decade. So of course I'm flying this Thursday and...TA-TA! Wallet has disappeared! RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT on schedule. Thank you, god.
So a friend recommended calling the airline, giving them a heads-up to see what I can do so I can get on the plane if my wallet still has not shown up. So I did. And this is how it went.
XMAS: Hi, I (insert sob story here)
AIRLINE: Hmmm...okay, lessee...do you have any other picture ids?
XMAS: No.
AIRLINE: Do you have a passport?
XMAS:No.
AIRLINE: Do you have any government-issued id?
XMAS: Wha...would I be calling if I did?
AIRLINE: If you have a military picture id, that would work.
XMAS: Really.
AIRLINE: Hmmmm, let's see....
XMAS: I dunno, I thought maybe if I called ahead...
AIRLINE: yeah, yeah..
XMAS: you know
AIRLINE: you don't have ANY picture id you can bring in?
XMAS: (head boiling)
AIRLINE: no Passport?
XMAS: -
AIRLINE: no driver's license?
HEAD BLOWN TO BITS, FLYING OUT WINDOW, NOT BEFORE RE-PLAYING CONVERSATION IN OWN HEAD TO MAKE SURE I HEARD RIGHT
AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH! I'm surprised she didn't ask me to bring in my White House Chief of Staff "In Case of Nuclear Attack" photo id. AAARARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
We Did It!
A coupla years ago I received an email that included every single centerfold in the history of Playboy. I remember thinking "okay, that's that - no need ever again for email. This will never be topped, no need to bother."
And that's the way I feel about this posting over at Think Progess.
I mean, this one has it all:
- open, unapologetic racism
- red meat via liberals HATE Americans that work and believe in God!
- and are Marxists
- Saddam caused 9/11 dogma
- extreme closed-mindedness after being reminded Saddam DIDN'T pull off 9/11
- Iraq needs Jesus!
- so does the rest of the world
- oh yeah, and of course the media is "liberal"
Awesome; seriously, there's not a line in there that's not head-smacking awesome - if Sarah Palin had wandered on-screen cracking her gum I woulda blown my brains out "we're done here!"
We've done it, nowhere else to go...I'm shutting down the internet!!!
And that's the way I feel about this posting over at Think Progess.
I mean, this one has it all:
- open, unapologetic racism
- red meat via liberals HATE Americans that work and believe in God!
- and are Marxists
- Saddam caused 9/11 dogma
- extreme closed-mindedness after being reminded Saddam DIDN'T pull off 9/11
- Iraq needs Jesus!
- so does the rest of the world
- oh yeah, and of course the media is "liberal"
Awesome; seriously, there's not a line in there that's not head-smacking awesome - if Sarah Palin had wandered on-screen cracking her gum I woulda blown my brains out "we're done here!"
We've done it, nowhere else to go...I'm shutting down the internet!!!
Regression
So it looks like after weeks of pounding away, McCain trying to smear Obama with William Ayers comes out a big fat zero. Nobody, it turns out, really gives a shit.
So what did the geniuses in the McCain camp come up with in the wake of these findings? That's right: digging up the tired bones of the Rev. Wright, and pounding away at THAT for a while. Obviously therein cruising to an easy victory in 3 weeks. Hmm.
Hey, I like McCain's thinking here! Let's see: Ayers did actually set off a bunch of bombs back in the day. But's that's not enough to change things in McCain's favor. So let's then ratchet things up by hammering him with a guy who SAID some mean things in a church! YES!!!! GOT HIM!!!...kinda like when Luke tried to kill Darth Vader with his light saber, but then switched to trying to goad Vader into an eating disorder with some thoughtfully placed insults about his weight.
Hey, if that doesn't work, maybe there's are some kittens in Obama's past that shredded some curtains one day they can bring up!!! WE CAN DO THIS, MCCAIN CAMP!!! YES WE CAN!!
Idiots.
I have offered this campaign all the help in the world, what more I do???
So what did the geniuses in the McCain camp come up with in the wake of these findings? That's right: digging up the tired bones of the Rev. Wright, and pounding away at THAT for a while. Obviously therein cruising to an easy victory in 3 weeks. Hmm.
Hey, I like McCain's thinking here! Let's see: Ayers did actually set off a bunch of bombs back in the day. But's that's not enough to change things in McCain's favor. So let's then ratchet things up by hammering him with a guy who SAID some mean things in a church! YES!!!! GOT HIM!!!...kinda like when Luke tried to kill Darth Vader with his light saber, but then switched to trying to goad Vader into an eating disorder with some thoughtfully placed insults about his weight.
Hey, if that doesn't work, maybe there's are some kittens in Obama's past that shredded some curtains one day they can bring up!!! WE CAN DO THIS, MCCAIN CAMP!!! YES WE CAN!!
Idiots.
I have offered this campaign all the help in the world, what more I do???
Cell Time
You can pretty much guess somebody's age by the length of their voice mail messages, can't you? If you're in your mid-30's or younger, you have spent most of your life with answering machines/voicemail, so you understand their purpose, and messages go like this:
"Yo, gimme a shout."
Pushing 40, or early 40's and you get the "Hey, what's up buddy...ahhhhhhhyeah, it's 5:45pm, thinking about going to Bennigan's, maybe I'll see you there. Hey, how'd last night go? See ya buddy!"
Not bad, but not great. But not bad.
And of course you get the fucking old people. These I fucking DREAD: when the cell rings, you don't wanna talk so you let it go to voicemail...and you're waiting for that "beep" to let you know that someone left a message...and a minute passes, another minute...jesus christ, you're thinking...finally you shrug "well, obviously they hung up w/o leaving a message" and then "beep!" new voicemail. Oh, god...
"Hi Xmastime, it's Mary Pat (oblivious of course to my having caller id like every other cell phone on the planet), your faaaaaaavorite aunt...I'm calling to ask when you're coming in on Tuesday the 22nd...I thought you said 4pm, but Irene is saying 4:15pm, so we wanted to get that straight, so...oh look! a dog!...so give us a call here at the house...555-555-5555 (again oblivious to my caller id)...we should be here, there's no parish supper tonight cause of the weather...boy, I hope it stops snowing in time for you to get here...though I guess we can still make arrangements if it does...but I don't think it will...but if it does, then we'll figure something out I'm sure...ANYways* like I said give us a call, let us know what time you're getting in on Tuesday...uuuuuuuuummmm...we can't wait to see you! So give us a call when you get in tonight (oblivious) and let us know...this is your faaaaaaavorite aunt, goodbye!"
HEAD EXPLODING.
And that's not even counting the "I know you're there, pick up" riff. Unreal.
* this is the kiss of death, the "you are wasting minutes of your life" word. Yeesh.
"Yo, gimme a shout."
Pushing 40, or early 40's and you get the "Hey, what's up buddy...ahhhhhhhyeah, it's 5:45pm, thinking about going to Bennigan's, maybe I'll see you there. Hey, how'd last night go? See ya buddy!"
Not bad, but not great. But not bad.
And of course you get the fucking old people. These I fucking DREAD: when the cell rings, you don't wanna talk so you let it go to voicemail...and you're waiting for that "beep" to let you know that someone left a message...and a minute passes, another minute...jesus christ, you're thinking...finally you shrug "well, obviously they hung up w/o leaving a message" and then "beep!" new voicemail. Oh, god...
"Hi Xmastime, it's Mary Pat (oblivious of course to my having caller id like every other cell phone on the planet), your faaaaaaavorite aunt...I'm calling to ask when you're coming in on Tuesday the 22nd...I thought you said 4pm, but Irene is saying 4:15pm, so we wanted to get that straight, so...oh look! a dog!...so give us a call here at the house...555-555-5555 (again oblivious to my caller id)...we should be here, there's no parish supper tonight cause of the weather...boy, I hope it stops snowing in time for you to get here...though I guess we can still make arrangements if it does...but I don't think it will...but if it does, then we'll figure something out I'm sure...ANYways* like I said give us a call, let us know what time you're getting in on Tuesday...uuuuuuuuummmm...we can't wait to see you! So give us a call when you get in tonight (oblivious) and let us know...this is your faaaaaaavorite aunt, goodbye!"
HEAD EXPLODING.
And that's not even counting the "I know you're there, pick up" riff. Unreal.
* this is the kiss of death, the "you are wasting minutes of your life" word. Yeesh.
The Final Endorsement
With all these endorsements for Obama rolling in every day, wouldn't it be great if Bush gets caught up in the excitement and comes out to endorse Obama?
(cut to Meet the Press)
BROKAW: Mr. President, did I hear you correctly...did you just say that you endorse Barack Obama?
BUSH: You got it, Tom. I mean, McCain's old - REALLY old, Tom. The only way he's getting into the White House is with a séance, Tommy boy.
BROKAW: But that goes against your own party, Mr. President.
BUSH: You wanna talk about a party, I can't wait to hit Obama's parties when he's president. He's young and hip, Tom. And Georgie here is thinking about getting some jungle fever, know what I mean?
BROKAW: -
BUSH: Getting wiped out by hurricanes isn't all those people know how to do, eh Tommity Tom Tom?!
BROKAW: ...
BUSH: Vote for Obama. McCain's (beeeep)ing crazy!
"...and a homo."
(cut to Meet the Press)
BROKAW: Mr. President, did I hear you correctly...did you just say that you endorse Barack Obama?
BUSH: You got it, Tom. I mean, McCain's old - REALLY old, Tom. The only way he's getting into the White House is with a séance, Tommy boy.
BROKAW: But that goes against your own party, Mr. President.
BUSH: You wanna talk about a party, I can't wait to hit Obama's parties when he's president. He's young and hip, Tom. And Georgie here is thinking about getting some jungle fever, know what I mean?
BROKAW: -
BUSH: Getting wiped out by hurricanes isn't all those people know how to do, eh Tommity Tom Tom?!
BROKAW: ...
BUSH: Vote for Obama. McCain's (beeeep)ing crazy!
"...and a homo."
Man Men Review
Once again, Mad Men has gone off the fucking rails. I've stated here several times, I don't give two shits about Don Draper's previous mystery life - hey, you know who else doesn't? BERTRAM COOPER!! Remember when Pete tried to blackmail Don in the first season? The old man didn't care, and neither do I. And I CERTAINLY don't need you to make explaining his past life in such a way as Back to the Future II: he's in the future, oh it's today, oh it's today if yesterday was the future if tomorrow was today was the future of yesterday's present 7:30am. Wtf. WAAAAAAYY too much work on the brain for something I could give two shits about. There couldn't have been more than 7 or 8 minutes total of office stuff, which is complete bullshit. When the series started, we were teased with cut-throat early 60's testosterone-driven office machinations (as well as scenery!!) And what are we getting now? Don's personal zen baptism past-life nonsense, while his wife back home busts her kid smoking. Camon. What the fuck. And there's only one episode left in this season, so we're screwed for another year or whatever. What the fuck. 2 thumbs down.
Only redeeming thing? Joan's outrageous titties. Mang.
Only redeeming thing? Joan's outrageous titties. Mang.
Luck? Zero
My appointment today with a social worker to qualify for the free clinic was postponed, and in speaking with her and knowing her name I'm fairly certain she is Mexican. Grrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat. Young white guy, I should have NO problem convincing her I'm broke, right?
Grrrr.
Why can't my social worker be this guy?
Oh yeah, I guess he's in the middle of a presidential campaign. Fucking a.
Grrrr.
Why can't my social worker be this guy?
Oh yeah, I guess he's in the middle of a presidential campaign. Fucking a.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Today's Delusion
McCain loves it from behind.
As opposed to the last month or so, when he's been BEHIND and gotten absolutely NOTHING right? Hmm. Curious.
"What is something I should probably think about getting out of my ass before too long, Alex?"
"I love being the underdog. You know, every time that I've gotten ahead, somehow I've messed it up," the Republican candidate said.
As opposed to the last month or so, when he's been BEHIND and gotten absolutely NOTHING right? Hmm. Curious.
"What is something I should probably think about getting out of my ass before too long, Alex?"
Screw 'Em
I just watched this video and, like anybody with any semblance of leanings towards human compassion or general decency, I immediately became furious. Then I started thinking I wonder how a black person would feel while seeing this? Then I thought I wonder what Barack Obama would think seeing this?
Then I remembered some documentary I was watching a long time ago about the early days of black players breaking into Major League Baseball. I can't remember which player they were interviewing, but as he was talking about the days of being refused service at restaurants while traveling, having to sit on a bus to eat etc, he was asked how mad he was that he had to go through that stuff. He said "Not at all. I got to travel the country, getting paid good money to play baseball while these jackasses were stuck flipping burgers at a gas station. Screw 'em."
In a matter of weeks Obama will be the most powerful man in the world. And this jackass will still be a jackass, hanging shit on trees like an idiot. Screw him.
WTF
Earlier today I was watching an episode of The Sopranos on A&E. Which meant that of course any profanity had to be bleeped out. There was a scene wherein Christopher is talking about his girlfriend, and he tells Bobby and Tony that she's black. To whit Bobby laughs:
"You're banging a shine?!"
Within seconds, words like "shit" and "fuck" were bleeped out. But "banging a shine" was not. I was floored. How could an epithet like "shine" be okay? Would they have left it if he had said "n---er'? Of course not!
What a crock of shit. "Shit" or "goddam" need to be bleeped out for precious ears, but it's okay to pass "shine" around. Incredible.
"You're banging a shine?!"
Within seconds, words like "shit" and "fuck" were bleeped out. But "banging a shine" was not. I was floored. How could an epithet like "shine" be okay? Would they have left it if he had said "n---er'? Of course not!
What a crock of shit. "Shit" or "goddam" need to be bleeped out for precious ears, but it's okay to pass "shine" around. Incredible.
Deliverance
I've never watched Deliverance. Not that I have anything against man on man rape - in fact, in an Xmastime Administration it will be part of the driving test for a learner's permit - but I refuse to suspend belief enough to believe that Burt Reynolds would be hanging out with such a bunch of dorks. I mean, camon.
"We brought you a gift, Burtzarelli!"
"We brought you a gift, Burtzarelli!"
Approval Rating
I'm not surprised the rating today is 26%. I am, however, shocked that as late as 2005, it was at 50%. What the fuck? Who the fuck were these people? Amazing.
Am I a Genius?
The whole world is drowning is a financial crisis, a "meltdown" if you will...thousands of successful, rich people losing their shirts.
Me?
NUMBER OF DOLLARS I HAVE LOST DUE TO THE WALL STREET MELTDOWN: 0
PERCENTAGE OF MY PORTFOLIO I HAVE LOST DUE TO THE WALL STREET MELTDOWN: 0
REAL ESTATE INVESTMENTS I HAVE LOST MONEY ON DUE TO THE WALL STREET MELTDOWN: 0
PERCENTAGE OF MY RETIREMENT FUND I HAVE LOST DUE TO THE WALL STREET MELTDOWN: 0
Seriously, should I be running things on Wall Street?
Me?
NUMBER OF DOLLARS I HAVE LOST DUE TO THE WALL STREET MELTDOWN: 0
PERCENTAGE OF MY PORTFOLIO I HAVE LOST DUE TO THE WALL STREET MELTDOWN: 0
REAL ESTATE INVESTMENTS I HAVE LOST MONEY ON DUE TO THE WALL STREET MELTDOWN: 0
PERCENTAGE OF MY RETIREMENT FUND I HAVE LOST DUE TO THE WALL STREET MELTDOWN: 0
Seriously, should I be running things on Wall Street?
The Xmastime Sunday Brunch Radio Hour!
I Wanna Be Sedated – Joey Ramone w/Andy Shernoff
Wouldn’t It Be Nice – The Beach Boys
My #1 slice from Pet Sounds, vocals only. Shit like this reminds us that there was a time when you actually had to be TALENTED to put out records. I don’t know what’s more amazing here, the actual singing or the arranging. Or the fact that I spent about 15 minutes in bed this morning cracking myself up, riffing to myself. Jesus Christ I needa girlfriend a dog Tivo.
Still I Dream of It – Brian Wilson
Speaking of the Beach Boys, I’m reminded of the years when I first moved to Williamsburg and every music geek would run over a bus to sprint to you to show that he had a better track listing for the legendary Smile sessions than you did. Or, incredibly, than BRIAN WILSON DID. Fucking christ…fact is Smile kinda blows, and the best slice from anything like it is this cut. I like that here's a dude that's 350lbs, and he makes no bones about singing that he's waiting for someone to make him a sandwich. Makes my Pizza Hut buffet concept EP feel a little less silly, doesn't it? (email for a copy)
I Wonder What She’s Doing Tonight – Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart
You KNOW what she’s doing: fucking!
Where Were you When I Needed You – The Grass Roots
When I was a kid my neighbor had an 8-track of the Grass Roots’ greatest hits, which were endless. Was a shock years later when I found out they weren’t actually a group, but rather a studio creation like many of the bubblegum hits of the jour. Side note: that neighbor’s father once duct-taped my mouth shut to shut me up during a NASCAR race on tv. How fucking awful is that? Seriously, making a kid sit through a fucking NASCAR race? Where there NO child abuse laws back then?!??!??!?!!
Sweet Cherry Wine – Tommy James & the Shondells
TJ is another one of those dudes during the bubblegum craze that seemed to show up one day and cranked out about 50 Top 10 hits in an afternoon. There are no bad Tommy James songs. This is my slice, a ridiculously great-sounding cut that belies it’s own message. Like when a hot chick slowly jerks you off while breathing in your ear that she’s got a dick. Well, so I would guess. Cough.
Eve of Destruction – Barry McGuire
If this song came out today, would it get played on the radio even once? And if it did, would the cds ironically be laced with lead from “Red China”? And whose idea was it to record this DURING Barry McGuire’s tracheotomy? Shit really was time-sensitive back then. Man. This also might be the best song there is that, while sending out a powerful message about the state of the world, reminds us that, let's be honest here, people with those electrolarynx voice boxes are FUNNY. Are you talking to me, or repeating my order at the drive-thru? (Hell, table for one please)
Dawn of Correction – The Spokesman
The ultra-cheesy response to Eve of Destruction. I’d imagine this is how information is distilled on the way to the Oval Office: Eve of Destruction going in, Dawn of Correction by the time it gets to Bush’s ears. "Everything's groovy, boss! You're the best!" Zing!
Turn On Your Love Light – Them
Which is the higher number: # of times I’ll masturbate to Susan Lucci on the HSN today, or # of albums Van Morrison will put out today? It’s a tossoff up.
One Way Ticket - The Nerves
1979-1981 is a golden age of bubblegum/garage slices, and Peter Case is (to me) The Godfather of that scene. Case was also in the Nerves (Hanging on the Telephone) and, of course, The Plimsouls, whose uber-slice Million Miles Away was in Valley Girl. A movie that let us know "hey you know what, Nic Cage will never, EVER cash in by doing big, stupid, beyond-absurd stupid movies! He's the real thing!"
Wouldn’t It Be Nice – The Beach Boys
My #1 slice from Pet Sounds, vocals only. Shit like this reminds us that there was a time when you actually had to be TALENTED to put out records. I don’t know what’s more amazing here, the actual singing or the arranging. Or the fact that I spent about 15 minutes in bed this morning cracking myself up, riffing to myself. Jesus Christ I need
Still I Dream of It – Brian Wilson
Speaking of the Beach Boys, I’m reminded of the years when I first moved to Williamsburg and every music geek would run over a bus to sprint to you to show that he had a better track listing for the legendary Smile sessions than you did. Or, incredibly, than BRIAN WILSON DID. Fucking christ…fact is Smile kinda blows, and the best slice from anything like it is this cut. I like that here's a dude that's 350lbs, and he makes no bones about singing that he's waiting for someone to make him a sandwich. Makes my Pizza Hut buffet concept EP feel a little less silly, doesn't it? (email for a copy)
I Wonder What She’s Doing Tonight – Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart
You KNOW what she’s doing: fucking!
Where Were you When I Needed You – The Grass Roots
When I was a kid my neighbor had an 8-track of the Grass Roots’ greatest hits, which were endless. Was a shock years later when I found out they weren’t actually a group, but rather a studio creation like many of the bubblegum hits of the jour. Side note: that neighbor’s father once duct-taped my mouth shut to shut me up during a NASCAR race on tv. How fucking awful is that? Seriously, making a kid sit through a fucking NASCAR race? Where there NO child abuse laws back then?!??!??!?!!
Sweet Cherry Wine – Tommy James & the Shondells
TJ is another one of those dudes during the bubblegum craze that seemed to show up one day and cranked out about 50 Top 10 hits in an afternoon. There are no bad Tommy James songs. This is my slice, a ridiculously great-sounding cut that belies it’s own message. Like when a hot chick slowly jerks you off while breathing in your ear that she’s got a dick. Well, so I would guess. Cough.
Eve of Destruction – Barry McGuire
If this song came out today, would it get played on the radio even once? And if it did, would the cds ironically be laced with lead from “Red China”? And whose idea was it to record this DURING Barry McGuire’s tracheotomy? Shit really was time-sensitive back then. Man. This also might be the best song there is that, while sending out a powerful message about the state of the world, reminds us that, let's be honest here, people with those electrolarynx voice boxes are FUNNY. Are you talking to me, or repeating my order at the drive-thru? (Hell, table for one please)
Dawn of Correction – The Spokesman
The ultra-cheesy response to Eve of Destruction. I’d imagine this is how information is distilled on the way to the Oval Office: Eve of Destruction going in, Dawn of Correction by the time it gets to Bush’s ears. "Everything's groovy, boss! You're the best!" Zing!
Turn On Your Love Light – Them
Which is the higher number: # of times I’ll masturbate to Susan Lucci on the HSN today, or # of albums Van Morrison will put out today? It’s a toss
One Way Ticket - The Nerves
1979-1981 is a golden age of bubblegum/garage slices, and Peter Case is (to me) The Godfather of that scene. Case was also in the Nerves (Hanging on the Telephone) and, of course, The Plimsouls, whose uber-slice Million Miles Away was in Valley Girl. A movie that let us know "hey you know what, Nic Cage will never, EVER cash in by doing big, stupid, beyond-absurd stupid movies! He's the real thing!"
It's Getting Gassy in Here
I just noticed that the cost of oil has dropped from $145/barrel in June to $65/barrel now. Has anyone else noticed this? Remember a few months ago, every morning we'd wake up, check the price of oil and then scream our incredulity at each other?
And yet here we are a few months later, the cost of oil has been cut in half...and nobody seems to have noticed. Nobody has noticed and, even more telling, nobody has claimed credit for it. That seem strange to you? Gas is relatively the same price per gallon, yet oil has dropped from $145 to $65 per barrel. I'm wondering why the $80 drop has been so silent. When the price was going up, the oil companies sure let us know CONSTANTLY that they were getting their asses kicked, that we had no choice but to pay $4/gallon for gas. But now the shit has been knocked in half, and nobody seems to have noticed/mentioned it. How bout that.
And yet here we are a few months later, the cost of oil has been cut in half...and nobody seems to have noticed. Nobody has noticed and, even more telling, nobody has claimed credit for it. That seem strange to you? Gas is relatively the same price per gallon, yet oil has dropped from $145 to $65 per barrel. I'm wondering why the $80 drop has been so silent. When the price was going up, the oil companies sure let us know CONSTANTLY that they were getting their asses kicked, that we had no choice but to pay $4/gallon for gas. But now the shit has been knocked in half, and nobody seems to have noticed/mentioned it. How bout that.
A REAL Electoral Map
Winners: Kentucky & Tennessee.
Image made from BlankMap-USA-states.PNG, modified to show states with locations of Krystals in red and White Castles in blue. States with both Krystals and White Castles are colored green.
Image made from BlankMap-USA-states.PNG, modified to show states with locations of Krystals in red and White Castles in blue. States with both Krystals and White Castles are colored green.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Taking Over the World!
I've never dickered around with the web stats for Xmastime; I get a number each day re: how many people pop in, but until just now I've never bothered to look at where they're coming from. I guess I assumed well, anybody coming here would be shit kicking American idiots like myself. But it turns out that just today, I was visited by multiple people from 39
I don't know if most of these were accidental or what, but it's astounding to me to look at this list and to think that MAYBE somebody in those countries took a second to read what I was thinking. Must admit - prolly the only time I've ever felt a real connection to the rest of the world. Awesome.
Then again, who else talks about fisting squirrels AND George Costanza?
Radio Somewhere
Ever since I was a tiny, tiny buck the only radio station I ever really listened to was the oldies station. I used to be an encyclopedia of 50s/60s rock until the past few years when I got, you know...old.
ANYways...I've already ranted on here somewhere about how there's no bars to go to in NYC without getting assaulted by screeching loud music. But what has begun to really chap my hide now is whenever you go to a friends house for a party. Of course, once something's labeled a "party" there's has to be music involved. It used to be bad enough when someone would put on a cd...but at least then, you figured well, the cd had to be something worthwhile if we were gonna sit through the whole thing. But now? Thanks to iPods, whoever wants to can just assault us with his/her iPod on "shuffle." Which is usually painful to fucking sit through. For every "Can't Hardly Wait" that pops up, there's 10 "between-tracks ironic filler from Yo La Tango b-sides." Jesus.
I am, and always have been, of the mindset that anytime there's more than 2 people sitting somewhere drinking beer, the default music should always be oldies AND ONLY oldies. Everybody knows most of the songs, they're usually GOOD, and, at worst, they're done in less than two minutes. No sitting through hours of some geek's esoteric bullshit. Fats, Buddy, Chuck; rinse, lather, repeat.
ANYways...I've already ranted on here somewhere about how there's no bars to go to in NYC without getting assaulted by screeching loud music. But what has begun to really chap my hide now is whenever you go to a friends house for a party. Of course, once something's labeled a "party" there's has to be music involved. It used to be bad enough when someone would put on a cd...but at least then, you figured well, the cd had to be something worthwhile if we were gonna sit through the whole thing. But now? Thanks to iPods, whoever wants to can just assault us with his/her iPod on "shuffle." Which is usually painful to fucking sit through. For every "Can't Hardly Wait" that pops up, there's 10 "between-tracks ironic filler from Yo La Tango b-sides." Jesus.
I am, and always have been, of the mindset that anytime there's more than 2 people sitting somewhere drinking beer, the default music should always be oldies AND ONLY oldies. Everybody knows most of the songs, they're usually GOOD, and, at worst, they're done in less than two minutes. No sitting through hours of some geek's esoteric bullshit. Fats, Buddy, Chuck; rinse, lather, repeat.
Feeling Bad for the Right
Everyone on the left is all worked up about this video from Hardball making the rounds. I don't know what the big deal is - I mean, doesn't it just indicate the height of their desperation if the GOP is calling on Katherine Harris to win another election for them?
Small Business, USA
Ever since Joe Plumber's Lonely Hearts Club Band came out this week, experts and pundits have popped hamstrings to sprint out and remind us that "small businesses are the backbone of this country!!!" And, much like when we're told the same thing about small towns, we reflexively nod our heads and think "Yes, how American."
But, if this is true, if small businesses really ARE the "backbone of this country", does that mean it's necessarily a good thing? Didn't our economy seem to have it's shit together a lot better back when we were a country of LARGE companies...pumping out cars in Detroit, IBM, huge manufacturing companies employing thousands of people etc etc, before we shipped them all overseas? Are we actually better off when we're a country of large companies?
I have no idea if this is right or wrong; I'm sure two experts could chime in with two different point of views and be right. Or maybe I'm just flat-out wrong (always possible.) But I don't think we do ourselves any favors by knee-jerkingly accepting such views of small business and small towns being the backbone of the country without wondering if the opposite may be true.
But, if this is true, if small businesses really ARE the "backbone of this country", does that mean it's necessarily a good thing? Didn't our economy seem to have it's shit together a lot better back when we were a country of LARGE companies...pumping out cars in Detroit, IBM, huge manufacturing companies employing thousands of people etc etc, before we shipped them all overseas? Are we actually better off when we're a country of large companies?
I have no idea if this is right or wrong; I'm sure two experts could chime in with two different point of views and be right. Or maybe I'm just flat-out wrong (always possible.) But I don't think we do ourselves any favors by knee-jerkingly accepting such views of small business and small towns being the backbone of the country without wondering if the opposite may be true.
I Don't Heart the Huckabees
For some reason I feel obligated each week to try to watch Mike Huckabee's new show on FOX News; I guess he's so nice and genial, and that slight twang lulls me into thinking I'm an asshole if I don't give him a chance. Of course I can only last a little while, but there's worse dudes on that channel to give your time to I guess.
But the REAL problem is each night they close the show with the "house band", a band made up of people that work on the show. And if you think Huckabee talking about taxes is dull, try sitting through this steaming pile. Wow. Every week the song is some schmaltzy shit whose chorus is always "America loves freedom! Hooray!!!" To be honest the only interesting thing about the band is watching Huckabee play bass. And I don't know what the record for "doughy, outrageously dull white guy" is, but the "frontman" singer has to be close. Wow.
But the REAL problem is each night they close the show with the "house band", a band made up of people that work on the show. And if you think Huckabee talking about taxes is dull, try sitting through this steaming pile. Wow. Every week the song is some schmaltzy shit whose chorus is always "America loves freedom! Hooray!!!" To be honest the only interesting thing about the band is watching Huckabee play bass. And I don't know what the record for "doughy, outrageously dull white guy" is, but the "frontman" singer has to be close. Wow.
Like a Rolling McCain
Pretty fascinating article on the real life of John McCain HERE.
Take it with whatever grain of salt you wish, it is Rolling Stone of course. But if even 10% of this stuff were true, it's pretty amazing how long McCain was able to keep up his public profile as "maverick reforming populist war hero." I consider myself a bullshitter, and my cap is doffed at his tremendous works in this field.
Also, noting how long the press has for some reason given him such a free pass may explain his unique willingness to lie from one minute to the next during this campaign without it even occurring to him that someone could simply look up the facts and call him on his bullshit.
Take it with whatever grain of salt you wish, it is Rolling Stone of course. But if even 10% of this stuff were true, it's pretty amazing how long McCain was able to keep up his public profile as "maverick reforming populist war hero." I consider myself a bullshitter, and my cap is doffed at his tremendous works in this field.
Also, noting how long the press has for some reason given him such a free pass may explain his unique willingness to lie from one minute to the next during this campaign without it even occurring to him that someone could simply look up the facts and call him on his bullshit.
I Wonder
Do you think Joe Six-Pack is pissed at Joe the Plumber for stealing his thunder? And do you think they'll scrap over the attentions of Hockey Mom? Interesting. We'll hafta wait and see, I reckon.
The Costanza Rules
As I said earlier in the week, I'm finally breaking down and going to a clinic to have my gout checked out. But of course it's not embarrassing enough I have to go to some free clinic, no no, get this - I have to meet with a social worker to prove that yes, I am in fact brokedick poor enough to qualify to go to the clinic. Wow. I hope they tape these things and give me a copy. I have a feeling my walking her through how poor and stupid I've been would be tres entertaing...which, OF COURSE, brings it back to (as all life does) George Costanza. Just like when he won over the co-op board to allow him to move into an apartment in lieu of a survivor of the Andrea Doria.
[Setting: Jerry’s apartment]
GEORGE: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
JERRY: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza".
GEORGE: (Interested) I should!
JERRY: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.
GEORGE: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!
[Setting: Tenant board room]
(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is bored to death. He's leaning back in his chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display how bored he is)
ELDRIDGE: Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George stops knocking on the walls) It was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.
RICARDI: (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony.
(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes George's seat in the corner)
[cut to scene]
(George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them)
GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated)
[Setting: Jerry’s apartment]
GEORGE: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
JERRY: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza".
GEORGE: (Interested) I should!
JERRY: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.
GEORGE: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!
[Setting: Tenant board room]
(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is bored to death. He's leaning back in his chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display how bored he is)
ELDRIDGE: Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George stops knocking on the walls) It was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.
RICARDI: (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony.
(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes George's seat in the corner)
[cut to scene]
(George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them)
GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated)
Tori! Tori! Tori!
Anyone who knows me knows that I've had an almost 20-year crush on tori Spelling; she's always been a Mrs. Xmastime. Everybody has always thought me to be out of my mind - especially during those years when they insisted on making her hair look like a helmet. Which were tough for me, indeed. In over 15 years, I have never met another male who agreed with my amour for Tori, but I have stood by her, defending her slot on my all-time charts.
But. Even I cannot defend the two episodes of BH 90210 I just watched this morning ... where in CONSECUTIVE EPISODES Donna is the subject of a crazed stalker. Okay okay; one time, you can write off to well, by then they had done 200 episodes, they were running out of shit to write about so why not give Donna a stalker. Very by the book, restraining order, dude ends up in jail stuff.
But then, IN THE VERY NEXT EPISODE they decide to kick things up a notch. This one ends with her Stalker du Jour bringing in a gun and holding the campus tv station hostage while pointing a gun to Donna's head, making her say on camera that she "loves" him.
Hmm. Highly implausible.
But then comes my favorite part: the cops' big plan is to sweat the guy out by turning off the air conditioning in the studio. What? How John McClain! And here we go, about 2 minutes later...everyone is soaked in sweat, the dude is starting to slur his words and move slowly, as if he's hallucinating. All from turning off the a/c. Are these people polar bears? I'm sorry, is this tv studio located on the sun? Oh that's right, they're in California. I guess they're just not used to warm weather.
Donna, I'm sorry, I love you; but even I can't get behind having TWO stalkers back to back going to jail for you. Camon.
But. Even I cannot defend the two episodes of BH 90210 I just watched this morning ... where in CONSECUTIVE EPISODES Donna is the subject of a crazed stalker. Okay okay; one time, you can write off to well, by then they had done 200 episodes, they were running out of shit to write about so why not give Donna a stalker. Very by the book, restraining order, dude ends up in jail stuff.
But then, IN THE VERY NEXT EPISODE they decide to kick things up a notch. This one ends with her Stalker du Jour bringing in a gun and holding the campus tv station hostage while pointing a gun to Donna's head, making her say on camera that she "loves" him.
Hmm. Highly implausible.
But then comes my favorite part: the cops' big plan is to sweat the guy out by turning off the air conditioning in the studio. What? How John McClain! And here we go, about 2 minutes later...everyone is soaked in sweat, the dude is starting to slur his words and move slowly, as if he's hallucinating. All from turning off the a/c. Are these people polar bears? I'm sorry, is this tv studio located on the sun? Oh that's right, they're in California. I guess they're just not used to warm weather.
Donna, I'm sorry, I love you; but even I can't get behind having TWO stalkers back to back going to jail for you. Camon.
Truth is Always the Best Comedy
This is hysterical. And it's not at some Obama/Biden rally, it's at a White House press briefing! Great lines, accompanied by flat-out laughing from the press. The shit that you couldn't make up, huh?
Russia! Dying.
Q: You called Senator Biden, you called McCain. Did you also call Governor Palin?
McCORMACK: No. If you hadn’t noticed, she’s a governor. Not a senator or a congressman.
Q: She’s a vice presidential candidate.
McCORMACK: Right.
Q: She also has extensive foreign affairs experience. (LAUGHTER)
McCORMACK: Right. I explained to you the reasoning behind the phone call.
Q: Maybe if this has to do with Russia, you would have called her.
Russia! Dying.
I Love The West Wing!
Nice pick-up from Erieberg in the comments section HERE.
Ahhh, Jed Bartlett...the BEST argument for no term limits!!!!!!!!!! ;)
As is I'm sure Xmastime would concur, Aaron Sorkin said it best:
Bartlet : "It doesn't matter if most voters don't benefit, they all believe that someday they will. That's the problem with the American Dream, it makes everyone concerned for the day they're gonna be rich."
Ahhh, Jed Bartlett...the BEST argument for no term limits!!!!!!!!!! ;)
Friday, October 17, 2008
What's the Matter with Xmastime?
"For a few years here I've been screaming to people that you know, you are closer to ending up on the street than you are to becoming some uber-millionaire a la Bush etc. I think there's a LOT of voters that see someone like Bush/McCain, dudes that are super-rich, and they think that you know what, if I keep voting for them, I'll somehow end up like them! Which is the Babe Ruth of mirages...If enough people realized how close they were to being thrown out into the street as opposed to being heirs to some unattainable throne, we might be in better shape than we are now." - XMASTIME, 9/23/08
I missed it til Bill Maher alluded to it tonight, but Joe the Plumber is an almost perfect example of what I've been bitching about for years; these people that vote based on "maybe someday I'll be rich too!" and completely fuck themselves over while giving more and more power to the life lottery winners they keep fantasizing about being.
Maybe the absurdity of this kind of thinking will sink in now that it has it's own mascot.
Levi Stubbs
When I was a kid, I thought I dug The Four Tops a bit more than The Temptations (prolly on the strength of "It's The Same Old Song", all-time desert slice), but over the years the numbers of the Temps catalog kinda won out. Even today, the day Levi Stubbs died, I come home and on tv is that 198-hour Temptations movie that I've seen 89,014 times. The Tops didn't have as MANY hits, but the ones they had were just as good. RIP, Levi.
Robo-Calls (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
WILLIAMSON: Where have you been, Shelly? Bruce and Harriet Nyborg. Do you want to see the memos...? They're nuts...they used to call in every week. When I was with Webb. And we were selling Arizona...they're nuts...did you see how they were living? How can you delude yours...
LEVENE: I've got the check...
WILLIAMSON: Forget it. Frame it. It's worthless.
LEVENE: The check's no good?
WILLIAMSON: You stick around I'll pull the memo for you. I'm busy now...
LEVENE: Their check's no good? They're nuts...?
WILLIAMSON: Call up the bank. I called them.
LEVENE: You did?
WILLIAMSON: I called them when we had the lead... four months ago. The people are insane. They just like talking to salesmen.
While it's fun to see McCain stoop to yet ANOTHER new low with these absurd automated robo-calls everyone's upset about - calls that inform the listener that on his first day in office Obama is gonna kill all America-loving white people while raping puppies with the bodies of dead kittens or some such - as I sit here it occurs to me that YET AGAIN McCain is completely debasing himself, making himself look like a shithead, and for what? Does he really think these calls are gonna work enough to be worth another act of complete shitheaddery? In other words, if you're gonna act like such dickhead, shouldn't you choose something that might actually WORK IN YOUR FAVOR?
First of all, nobody with cell phones is answering these calls (if they even CALL cell phones.) What do you do when your cell phone rings and you have no remote idea who the caller is? That's right, you don't answer it. So the only chance of anybody getting caught even answering these things would be people with land lines. And who has land lines these days? That's right: grandma.
Also, when was the last time you DID get caught picking up, and, upon hearing a RECORDING of someone talking, thought to yourself "You know, I should listen to this thing all the way through"? Prolly never. Someone could be calling to give me pillow cases made out of the Barbi twins titties, and I'm not listening long enough to know or care.
But hey, you know who MIGHT actually sit through the whole thing, thrilled to be hearing another voice "talking to them"? That's right: grandma.
So, as I said. McCain sinking to another level of creepily racist hate-mongering scare tactics, sending himself into MORE douchebaggery, and all that simply for...
Grandma's vote. Who, odds are, might've been voting for him anyways.
Way to go, John. You're a goddam GENIUS!
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