Cool Things I Did in My 30s, Part VII

Had the privilege of adapting a friend's true-life "Brown Thursday" into words. Dying.

Bill started working for some lady as her personal assistant. Kinda went over to her house, she was some hotshot insurance woman, go over to her house and kinda do whatever she needed. One day down in her basement he discovers the septic tank is fucked up, and there’s a huge backload of shit, literally, and fucking used tampons. He’s fucking gagging. Tells her about it, and she decides that the next day he’s gonna come in and shop-vac it all, clear it up. This way he can go home and get some clothes he can immediately burn, knowwhatImean? So the next morning Bill gets up to go to work, and he’s got to shit. Really bad. So he’s about to explode, but our other roommate is already in the bathroom, and Bill knows he’s in trouble cause this motherfucker had a morning routine like you wouldn’t believe. Once he’s in there, forget it. You can fucking watch Shawshank, he’s still in there. And you can time his fucking segments. 15 minutes, brushing teeth. 30 minutes, still fucking shaving. Then finally the water’s running. Shower time, that’s another 30 minutes. For his sake I hope he was rubbing one out. But knowing this brain-dead fuck I’m guessing staring at the tiles for a spell. I’m telling you, weird dude. OCD. Then the shower turns off, you think you’re in the home stretch, right? Not even close. Cause now it’s hair-drying time. He was a lot older, from the 70’s. Back then dudes blow-dried their hair. You could blow dry your hair back then without being a woman. So once the fucking hair dryer turned off that was almost it, except on Tuesdays. Tuesday’s nail-clipping day. And unlike a normal person, he wouldn’t just do it in his room or something, watching tv, he’d do it in the can, hogging the joint up for another 15 minutes. So now Bill’s about to shit himself as our roommate is fucking clipping his nails, just as easy as you please. So at this point he’s so desperate he climbs onto the roof of our building, climbs over to the building next door which they were demo-ing. Dude climbs on a rusted out fucking rafter, looks down at the demo and the rats and takes a fucking squat. Unfortunately, that would not be his worst shit story of the day. So he shits, now he’s gotta get to work. And it just so happens that the bus he takes to work every morning, driver’s a black dude who HATES white people. Sometimes he pretends he doesn’t fucking see Bill and drives off. And of course this is one of those mornings, Bill said he could actually see him laughing at him as he sped by. Next bus ain’t coming for an hour, so now he’s gotta walk to work. So he finally shows up and of course he’s late, and his boss goes crazy, just screaming at him. She’s screaming at him and screaming, and all Bill can think of is this bitch is bawling me out, chewing my ass and whenever she finally gets done screaming at me I have to go down to the basement and suck up her fucking turds and bloody tampons. Jesus fucking christ. Can still hear him describing the vacuuming sounds to me: “thoooomp! thoooooomp!”