The Redundant Whisperer

A while back I wrote about becoming The Nighttime Whisperer: I put your kid to sleep so you don't hafta hear their crying. And earlier today I was reading Thunder Pie, wherein big poppa is horrified at the scene of his daughter's shots. I've seen it personally - a parent freaking out during their kids shots, which in turn freaks their kid out even more. Which I would assume is perfectly normal for a parent to do and are helpless to do otherwise. So I figure they need someone who doesn't really give a shit to go in with the kid, someone who's not gonna freak out and couldn't give two shits about the kid screaming. And I said to myself "I should be the Shot Whisperer!!" Of course, turns out I've already done that riff. Sigh.

Much like my vocation as The Nighttime Whisperer, I think another service I'd be good at providing would be to take your kid to get his shots. I know this can be emotionally excrutiating for parents - let me unburden you! I do not give a shit how much your kid screams and cries, it will not bother me at all. I won't be a dick to him, but I've given shots and I've taken shots, so I will be honest: "this is gonna suck, little man." As he cries it out I will be hitting on the nurse; asking her "does the size of the prick really matter? what about depth?" We meet at the doctor's office, when it's his turn I go in the room with him; you go out for a walk, or have relations with your paramour. Or hell, we can meet across the street, you can pretend I'm taking him to the candy store instead of the doctor's office if it eases your mind. You need not be privy to your baby's tortured screams and cries - when we meet up afterwards he/she is happily licking away at a lollipop; for all your know we were in a room petting impossibly cute baby otters. I am The Shot Whisperer. Fear not, parents...I have come for your children.