I'm Looking Forward to Fatass Rush Limbaugh Being an Idiot for the Next 8 Years

Rush Limurgercheesewithextracheesecauseimfat is soaking in his 15 minutes of fame as the leader of the Republican Party, and I must say it's a joy to watch. And apparently, after his speech at the CPAC, they presented Rush with a “Defender of the Constitution” award, which included a document signed by Benjamin Franklin. The presenter then compared Rush to Franklin:

The king of England sat with his advisers, and they read the writings of Ben Franklin. They said, “The colonists will never be successful if they read what he writes.” Just as the king’s successor, who is in the White House, said the other day, that conservatives will never be successful if they listen to Rush Limbaugh. The only way we will be successful is if we listen to Rush Limbaugh!

It took me a read or two to realize that "the kings successor" is Obama, and in refuting the legitimacy of Rush, puts Rush in the role of Benjamin Franklin. Very interesting.

Of course, if he had to go on record, I bet Barack Obama does not think the Republican Party will be successful if they choose to believe in UFOs. Does that mean Republicans should accept UFOs as their leaders? Word is Barack thinks Republicans should not listen to vampires; does that mean it's a Dracula/Palin ticket in 2012?

Poverty

Earlier this year I house-sat for my friend Helen, and before clocking out I grabbed her copy of Poverty: A History by Bronislaw Gereinek without telling her (YES Helen, I will return it - will you please GET OFF MY ASS!! Or need I remind you, your cats tried to kill me???!?!!)

Anyways, I finally got around to it on the train yesterday and, since I'm a fucking idiot, I had to read the first few chapters three times before moving on, so I could wrap my head around a few things. One being a early belief (we're talking the Middle Ages, not just way back when LC and Heidi were friends) that the poor existed solely as a vehicle to help the rich gain salvation through alms (and in general feel good about themselves. Sound familiar?) Geremiek quotes Life of St. Eligius:

"God could have made all men rich, but he wanted there to be poor people in this world, that the rich might be able to redeem their sins."

Later flipped by the author by suggesting "God wanted rich people in the world in order that they might help the poor." After which you may find yourself asking "Why didn't God just make all people rich?" Either way, if we are to agree that God exists, do we really think he would've created thousands of people whose sole purpose was to suffer and go without so that those who had been blessed with so much good fortune in the first place (apropos of nothing but birth) might better their own chances of getting into heaven by throwing some bones to the poor every now and again? Seems like if there was a God running this show he coulda come up with a more dignified, less-suffering way, no? To say nothing of wasted lives. Doesn't the life of the poor soul he gave aid to equal the life of the rich man "passing the test" of alms-giving? No?

While it's understandable to think that in helping the less fortunate one might get closer to salvation, to actually believe that these poor people were created solely for such a purpose, to me, creates a kind of one-step forward, two-steps back kinda thing. At what point does pride and hubris cancel out the nickel you gave away, and set you back even further? But that's me - either way, we should be thankful for St. Eligius for bringing the world Denzel.

One thing that does drive me crazy in the book is the notion held for centuries that while living a life of poverty was a virtue, VOLUNTARILY living a life of poverty by eschewing earthly riches was even MORE virtuous. Now, at first glance, it makes sense that giving up a life of riches is virtuous - we all chime in with "good for him!!" and "awwwww, so nice" etc etc. He gave up his boat for a life of begging, good for him.

You know who might NOT be thrilled with it? POOR PEOPLE!!!

Let's say we're in a village, and there's 6 of us who are "the poor." We are homeless, and depend on alms from the rich. Well, one of the rich decides to leave his family of wealth and join the ranks of the poor. Which means 2 things: one, it's another body else we hafta split our alms up with. Everything gets divided by 7 instead of 6. Not good. Especially when one of us DOESN'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE THERE. Also, that's one less rich person who might've been giving us the attention and help we need. If someone who is rich is so in tune with your plight as a poor person he's ready to join your ranks, maybe everybody's better off if he stays rich, and focuses on helping from his own side of things. In other words, if you're going to the bank for a loan do you want the bank to be the bank, or to come home and live in your parents' basement with you?

While leading a life absent of opulence and excess may be virtuous, I do not see how elbowing your way into the threadbare supplies of the poor is. And I see this everyday; I live in a fuckwad neighborhood wherein trust fund kids think it's "cute" or "ironic" to pose as homeless people on the street, begging for food. And what has this accomplished with me on a personal basis? I give exactly NOTHING to anybody on the street, since I've become accustomed to thinking "fuck you, you're rich and don't need a fucking dime." And I assume I'm not the only person thinking this. Of course, every time I do this I may be saying fuck you to a REAL homeless person. Which sucks. So while I greatly applaud HELPING the poor, I see no virtue in PRETENDING TO BE poor.

Anyway - so far it's been all Middle Ages et al; I'll have an update on the book when I get to the section about me coming to New York City with three dollars in my pocket :)

Losing Wait

As you might know by now, as I've mentioned it on this blog 9 or 10 thousand times, I'm trying to lose weight. A LOT of weight. And of course I think that after I lose all this weight, I will finally be able to have some female companionship.

But it has occurred to me, what if I lose all the weight, and still get no ladies? What if I lose all the weight and it turns out oh, look!...I'm ugly! Hideous, even!! Or I lose all the weight and it turns out I'm just a total fucking douchebag, and that's why I'm alone.

Ah well. I guess it's better than the alternative (heart exploding into ribbons before the age of 40.) I guess so, anyway.

New Word

lo⋅ten⋅tial - noun

the possibility of being or becoming an incredible loser: after masturbating and then spending 15 minutes without being able to find where his issue had leapt and beginning to worry that his parents would find it later on if he didn't, Sam knew at that moment he had reached his absolute lotential.

Signs

Earlier today I was at a random check cashing place
my bank, and I saw this sign. It appears that their fees make it twice as easy to pay your Cingular Wireless bill as your NYS child support. Hmm. I wanna be bummed for these kids who might be affected, but I guess I should instead be happy Cingular is getting their benjamins as quick as possible. Good for them!

Some of it Was Fun

I'm reading Some of it Was Fun, by former US Attorney General Nicholas Katzenbach (thanks Opie!) Katzenbach is one of those guys that was in the thick of everything you read about in the 60's, be it civil rights or freeing Cuban prisoners after the mangled Bay of Pigs or writing Penny Lane (one of these is not true.) Fascinating.

One thing I REALLY suck at is remembering people's names. I can remember people's birthdays, but not their names. And this includes reading - I'll be 50 pages in, and find myself thinking "...Ethan...Ethan Frome; which one the fuck is he?" although I'll remember everything else, and will quickly re-connect everything after a few seconds.

So this morning as I was walking around ("doing my thang"), and I was thinking about shit in the book, and I realized I kept referring to the author as Wurzelbacher. Wurzelbacher did this, Wurzelbacher did that, etc etc. Then I'm like hold up...the guy's name isn't fucking Wurzelbacher...what is it...(brain frying)...what the fuck's his name...and where the fuck did I get Wurzelbacher from? Wurzelbacher? Who the fuck is Wurzelbacher?

Then it hit me. Of course. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

The Gym

The one annoying thing about working out so early in the morning in the gym is the music they pump through from the radio. Throughout the day and at night, I assume they're looping the theme to Rocky, or rocking classic rock cuts that get you moving and sweaty and hard-charging! What'do we get at 6am? THE MORNING ZOO!!!!!! Grrrr. It's tough to get fired up to the sounds of some shitheads being "whacky." "Oooooh, boy!! Maybe if I get a rockin' bod then one day I can make jokey phone calls!!!!"

Of course, I'm prolly the only one that can even ehar, since everyone else has their iPods on anyways. So.

ALSO: When I'm doing my cardio on the bike, it's very simple: I punch in that I'd like to bike for 25 minutes, and then I start pedaling as fast as I can. Every few minutes I might bump up the level, but that's it. Meanwhile, on the bike next to me comes some shithead that spends the first 15 minutes punching every button on the goddam thing over and over BOOP-BOOP-BEEP-BOOP!!!!!, entering every single piece of information he can; from age to color of eyes to first grade fucking teacher. Enough, fuckface! You're not there to create your favorite fucking D&D character, and you're not Han fucking Solo flying the gotdam Millenium Falcon. Punch in your time and start fucking pedaling, asshole!!

Fucking christ.

Johan Santana Needs to Be a Better Teammate

Mets fans are shitting themselves cause it looks like ace Johan Santana's arm is barking and he could miss anything from one week to the whole season. Before they throw themselves off a bridge, I think the Mets fans need to take my lead and turn some lemons into lemonade.

Johan Santana talks about as much as a turkey sandwich. Hell, he could walk into this room right now and start talking, and I'd have no idea who he is, he's got such a quiet persona. So maybe they can use this possible injury as an opportunity to get Santana outta the clubhouse for awhile, and replace him with another braying-donkey jackoff shitforbrains who can run his fucking mouth about how the Mets are the team to beat again, even though they've spent the last two years choking on the Phillies' dust in historic collapses. Hey, just cause the Mets are choking assholes doesn't mean they can't be the best at SOMEthing, right?

JOHAN! GET OUTTA THE FUCKING WAY, THE METS GOT MOUTHS TO SHOOT OFF!!

Hard to Believe

There are many things I don't understand. And one of those things is that if someone can throw a ball really really hard, baseball teams will send hookers and piles of blow to any country in the world to drag the guy here and keep him here; be it legal or otherwise. Yet the people that have made $176,000,000 off of Slumdog Millionaire can bring the kids who starred in it over to America for a collective "Awwwwwwww!!!" moment at the Oscars, so that even MORE people run to go see it, and then ship the kid right back to the fucking slum. $176M, and they can't pass the hat for some Red Roof Inn money til they can do something permanent? I know I'm in Naiveland here, and I know you can't save all the kids in the slums, but this is really heartbreaking. We spend a lot of time and money going around the world trying to shove our way of living on other nations, and yet here's a kid who really could pull off a version of the "American Dream," but I guess we're just not that interested.

Oh, God

When you're pulling a nighttime babysitting job, you'd just about saw your own arm off than make a noise that wakes the kid(s) up from deep sleep. But sometimes biology demands otherwise. In short: somebody out there better fucking invent the toilet muffler. ASAP.

Wow! Beyonce is Soooooo Nice!!!!!!!

This fucking shit drives me bananas. WOW!! You're somewhat of a human! unreal!!! I'm blown away at how gracious you are, pretending we inhabit the same planet!!

As I've said before HERE.

9) “If you saw me at home, you’d see how normal I am!”
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve read/seen some dipshit model or actress saying this I’d have about $14. Hot chicks love to ASTOUND us that gee, at home she just wears jeans and a t-shirt!! Wow!!! Just like a normal person! Unbelievable!! Cause I guess we would normally picture you lolling about at home in a birdbath filled with the blood of the cast of “Gone with the Wind”, wearing dresses made of solid gold and steak from Peter Lugers. Give me a fucking break. I would normally picture you at home in some sort of casual attire, it’s not a big deal. Unless of course you’re Carnie Wilson, in which case I picture you face down in a bath tub filled with gravy while hooked up to your home liposuction kit.

Pizza Burger

I really wanted to like this idea HERE. But got turned off by


1) Him making a little burger for his cat.

2) The urine sample he has on the counter.

3) The final aerial shot of someone shitting in his mouth.

Thanks asshole; now I can't eat pizza OR cheeseburgers.

It's Getting Better All the Time

Because I'm an eternal optimist who loves it when lemons turn into lemonade, I feel I should point out to the world how happy I am that after 40+ years, thanks to this guy the face of self-immolation has gone from this harsh, ugly photo

to THIS! MUCH better, no? Easy breezy, hey, let's smile out there, people!

Congrats!

I see Tom Brady got married to my girlfriend Gisele. I hope a bear impregnates you and then eats you and your child, asshole Hey, good for him!

Also, Tom - love the slicked back hair. But then, I loved it before you were a hotshot quarterback, way back when you were just a bartender.

What They've Become

While I sit back and wait for Andrew Sullivan to do the right thing and make my buddy Op's blog famous so I can steal money from Op participate in a free exchange of ideas with Op, I'm noticing that my own post about Jindal's speech was too soft. Not on him, cause he doesn't really matter - but because of the fact that after sending out the world's oldest man to represent them in the election, and swirling with fervor behind a gun-toting nobody from a state from Jupiter whose main attribute was Kleenex sales prolly went up across the country, and then adopting JOE THE FUCKING PLUMBER as their bald-headed stepchild, and then electing as the head of their party a Steve Urkel Snoop-Dogg wannabe, MAYBE on a night when the topic du jour was keeping ourselves from becoming a third world country and keeping people in their homes, maybe, just MAYBE the Republicans could've thought "you know what, maybe we should send out someone to speak who sounds, you know, like a grownup?"

For all I know, Bobby Jindal is a brilliant guy and an amazing governor. Wonderful. But before they sent him out there, couldn't someone have spoken up "umm....have you heard this guy talk?" The GOP thought so little of this moment? Really?

Republicans will stomp their feet "It's about substance, not style!!!" Of course these are the same people that are still up at night crying cause Gore rolled his eyes or sighed during the debates in 2000.

I know all this sounds like I'm just taking potshots at Jindal for sounding like a 12 year-old, but I'm not. It's just that after having to sit through the McCain/Palin/Plumber/Steele etc all-star team, the minute he started talking I couldn't help but think "Is this a joke? Am I being punk'd?"

And then when I see that since I've started typing this post alone, Joe the Plumber has gone on record re: slapping and shooting "fellow" Congressmen, and Mitch McConnell, in such serious economic times as these, has been squealing with glee re: hanging out with Rush Limbaugh instead of a Nobel Prize-winning economist. I guess my question to the GOP is if you're not going to take yourselves seriously, why the fuck should I?

Love at the Oscars!!!

The people here at InTouch are all a-tizzy because a picture has surfaced of Brad Pitt "staring" at Jennifer Aniston while she was speaking at the Oscars. Everybody's giddy re: "he can't take his eyes off her, she's wining over Angelina!!!" I seem to be the only person here thinking maybe it's because she was standing about 15 feet in front of him speaking to the entire world into a microphone, with cameras shooting from every angle. And since I've only ever lived on planet Earth, I know it's probably rude to at such a time loudly pull out a copy of Garfield Takes a Big Fat Hairy Dump while rolling your eyes. Fucking christ.

When Will It End?

On the bus this morning some Indian dude was asking the driver if the bus went to Fort Lee. To which the driver asked “You going to 7-11?”

Now, maybe 7-11 just happens to be a drop-off point, I have no idea. But this is fucking 2009, the Age of Obama et al - the driver should get past his pre-suppositions about race and realize that just because Indians WORK at 7-11 doesn’t mean they necessarily GO to 7-11. Wtf. I’m embarrassed for my own race.

-a,-um, -ucked

It occurred to me earlier that the Latin word for "with" is cum. Which is funny, as it's been quite a while since I’ve cum “with” anybody. Sigh.

Hey, who said Latin couldn't be funny? (and sad.)

Awww, Rihanna...

...why so sad?

Porkapaloozaporkubusandaporkridgeinaporkt

Since McCain's insipid "they're loading bills up with goodies like it's a Christmas Tree!!!!" bullshit we had to hear 5 times a day during the campaign, Republicans have been 100% responsible for screeching that earmarks are going to kill your children by stuffing puppies down their throats until the puppy's dead too. And I defy you to go the next 60 seconds without being able to find a Republican who isn't on the floor in mid-temper tantrum about how all the pork is gonna send us back to caveman days - or, even worse, Europe. My own take on earmarks was written HERE.

So IMAGINE THE SHOCK!!!!! that must be registering now that it turns out that Republicans are responsible for 40% of the earmarks in the omnibus legislation. Gee. Who woulda thunk.

Boy, McCain must be FURIOUS re: all these "goodies"!!!

I feel about earmarks the same as I do when people whine about "wasteful spending," thinking that things are only labeled as "wasteful spending" or "pork" if it's "stuff I don't want for myself," as I said HERE a few months ago,

While bashing the diarrhea of spending throughout the last eight years was applicable during the election since "financial conservatism" is a basic tenet of the Republican Party, I feel any "outrage!" over government spending in general is fairly hypocritical. "Over-spending" loosely translates to "not spending money on shit I want." With their daddy/small dick issues there is no amount of money you can get a right-winger to admit is too much for Defense, and the same goes for liberals when it comes to bunnies/rainbows/tree-hugging etc. But to act like you're against government spending as a philosophy or cause you know what's best for the country is bullshit.

What IS important to note is that this does not necessarily make Republicans full of shit; as when I was a teenager I remember confronting my Dad that I was NOT gay, since only 40% of people that I fucked had penises. So let's keep this in perspective.

B&W Radio

Over the past few tv-less weeks I've enjoyed a particular NPR station on the radio. All of a sudden tonight it occurred to me you now what, every single time I'm listening to this station, it's black people talking about black current events/arts/culture et al. I thought wait, is this a black NPR channel? Then I indignantly answered myself hey hey hey...I don't hear color, man. Camon.

If Only There Was a Way...

Mark Levin, one of my favorite right-wing radio comedians talk show hosts just said something interesting. He said that he's pretty sure that the overwhelming majority of Americans are against Obama and his way of thinking. And he must be right, cause Sean Hannity calls him "The Great One." Geez, I'm thinking right now...if only there was a way to find out exactly how many people DO like a certain politician, and to add those people up in a way to measure that number against the number of people who liked somebody else more, and then have THAT person as our president. Goddam. My brain is spewing smoke, cause I'd almost swear there has to be a way to do this, but I guess I'm not gonna be the one to come up with it, cause I'm fucking stumped. Dang :(

The Manny Tapes

My life.






"HAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey, FINALLY a day where you're not the biggest bag of hot air in the room, you fat fuck!!!!"

The Xmas Awards

TODAY'S CATEGORY: Best consistent cleavage throughout a movie that is not an overtly "sex" movie.

WINNER: Erin Brockovich.

Dover

It looks like the Pentagon is lifting the media ban on showing coffins coming through Dover AFB. To me this is a step forward, as it uncovers yet another hidden cost of the war. I've always wondered why they don't mind looping actual footage of 9/11 24 hours a day, but think we can't stomach pictures of boxes with flags on them that were CAUSED by 9/11. But then, I had all the blood drained out of my head and am typing this with my foot, so maybe I'm just not as smart as these people. And that makes me sad :(

Seriously. Please.

I find it very interesting that a NBC News is a part of the very MSNBC which gives Joe Scarborough a platform to regularly sneer at bloggers as being Cheetos-eating losers tippity-tapping away in their parent's basement clad only in their tightie-whites, yet doesn't feel silly sitting down for an interview with Joe the Plumber. Also very interesting: it took me about 5 years to realize I wanted to get up in Jessica Biel's guts. The world we live in, huh? Trippy.

Side note: seems fairly confidant in his kid getting into Ohio State, doesn't he? How the fuck easy must it be to get into Ohio State for chrissake?

Urkel Steele

On top of his "hip hop" comments from last week, I-Assume-Soon-to-be-Ex-Head-of-the-RNC Michael Steele now offers up some "slum love" for the beleagured Bobby Jindal. All of this led to a faithful Xmastime reader to point out what I wrote last month HERE:

I'm pretty certain Bill Clinton was the first president I ever saw use words like "cool" and "man" in his more light-hearted interviews; the "hip" language of his 60's youth. How long will it be til we see a sitting president use words like "ferizzle", "the schizzle", or "in da hiz-house!" etc? I mean, it only makes sense that down the road such vernacular will be so normal to everybody, a president is bound to use those words in relaxed conversation, no? Interesting.

Faithful reader pointed out to exchange "president" with "political party leader," and that's where we're at now. Which is true, although I must say I did think the first one would be a black guy. But hey, what do I know?

Oh Man, This Really Sucks

I didn't even know Tony Gwynn was in trouble. Damn. Godspeed, bro.

What the GOP Has Allowed Itself to Become

Limbaugh, Jindal, Palin and Romney








Oh my!!!!!

Mmmmmm, Why THANK You.....

....I'd looooooove some of Megan Fox' back. Slllllllllllurp!!!

A-Ha Moments

A coupla times a week I find myself following some girl into the train station, hypnotized by her beauty, following her down the platform and nonchalantly standing where she stands, so I can sit across her on the train and look at her with furtive glances until she runs over to me and promises to dedicate her life to loving me. Hmm.

All of a sudden yesterday it occurred to me that if I'm doing this with women, then what are the odds that some chick is following ME, hoping I'll see them and fall in love at first sight? Prolly 100%. So I figure from now on, every time I'm walking to the train I'll all of a sudden spin around 180 degrees, see who's following me/looking for love. I AM ON TO YOU LADIES OF NYC!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLD THE FUCK UP

What the - what's that on Chris Brown's left temple? Who the FUCK did that to him??!?!!?

To whomever did this: Hey ASSHOLE!!! Slapping someone around is NOT FUCKING COOL!!!!!!!

Fucking dick. I know Chris is a gentleman above all else, but if this is what he got, I'd love to see what he did to the other guy's face. Fucking douche.

Bill Garrett

I know nothing more about this than what's in this article, so I'm refraining from assuming "racist hicks." Hey, I'm not from the Midwest, so maybe I don't understand what they actually mean when they decide to NOT honor the first black player in school history, but still go ahead and name the building after a guy whose claim to fame seems to be writing a letter opposing school integration.

But as a fan of Indiana high school basketball history, I'm interested to see that Bill Garrett was the coach that succeeded the coach of the Crispus Attacks team I mentioned last year, the first black team to win the state championship and then weren't allowed a parade downtown like the white previous winners.

Of course when Attucks won, the powers that be decided you know what, they should have the parade "in your own community." No fire trucks, no Indiannapolis. The players were driven outside of town to hold their party because, and I quote, "They said the blacks are gonna tear up downtown."

Lily Allen & Katy Perry

I'll be honest: I could prolly go the rest of my life without finding out which bitch is which. Which means that during our inevitable threesome, feelings are gonna get hurt. And that makes me sad :( Which obviouisly I could give two shits about.

Obama Speech VI

If you're gonna get knocked around for something, this might as well be it as it's very inconsequential and nobody really cares. But isn't their a difference between creating the automobile, and creating the automobile industry? As in Bill Gates didn't invent the personal computer, but he was instrumental in getting one into every home, same as Henry Ford with the assembly line, affordable car. I mean, I didn't invent the "female orgasm," but I did invent the "female orgasm caused by the mere mention of my humongous penis." So.

Starbury

Now that Stephon Marbury's been released, if he becomes a Celtic I will fucking hang myself, as I bemoaned HERE.

HOWEVER.

As much of a douchebag as Starbury apparently is, no one should ever miss a chance to point out that in this day and age of kids shooting each other for $200 kicks, he does in fact endorse a pair of shoes that only costs $15. An exceedingly noble thing that every rich athlete should be ashamed of not doing himself.

Kids shouldn't have to feel the pressure to spend so much to feel good about the way they look. --Stephon Marbury

Good for him; hopefully this act long outlives his own NBA career.

Obama's Speech V

The Republicans openly cat-calling Obama when he mentioned he wasn't interested in giving out more tax cuts to the wealthy surprised me - they used to at least PRETEND they were the party "for Joe 6-Pack" etc; now they're the official defenders of those "helpless" Americans who barely make what Tiger Woods makes. Astounding to me.

At the same time, there is open sneering going on about the $13 a week everybody else will be getting. Which is funny, since I'm guessing that the ratio of these people to the uber-wealthy people the GOP only seems interested in now would be about a million to one. It doesn't sound like much, but an extra $52/month might actually mean more to a good number of people than cutting taxes to others in terms of proportion of income. I'm guessing there's more of the former than the latter. So maybe it's nothing to quickly dismiss/sneeze at/make "you can have a fucking pizza party" jokes about. But what the hell do I know - I'm only 6'2" and beautiful.

Obama Speech IV (Running Backs episode)

I'll say this about Obama - while he's not the greatest speaker in the world, for some reason (and maybe it's the times we're in, and the very historic point of him even being President) I find myself thinking he's a bit like Eric Dickerson was - at any moment, he might break off an outrageously beautiful one 99 yards for the ages. Whereas with Bush, even if you supported him, it was always like John Riggins - if you got him close enough to the end he might punch it in, but mostly you just hoped he didn't get shit-faced and say something stupid.

Obama Speech III

My favorite bit was prolly

In the midst of civil war, we laid railroad tracks from one coast to another that spurred commerce and industry. From the turmoil of the Industrial Revolution came a system of public high schools that prepared our citizens for a new age. In the wake of war and depression, the GI Bill sent a generation to college and created the largest middle-class in history.

Obviously picked from my own "from calamity comes greatness" policy, as per my own TITS UP policy as well.

His passage also indirectly touches on something like the WPA; as in we have a bunch of people who need jobs, and we got a bunch of shit that needs fixing, we might as well mix the two. But not once did Obama mention my having blocked an extra point at Lancaster, which can only lead us to assume he is a racist. And that makes me sad :(

The Response

I'm listening to Bobby Jindal on the radio, and I'm telling you, dude should do voice work on the radio. Could listen all day; I feel like I'm hanging around a gas station in 1950 talking about the Rooskies and not believing color tv exists. Intoxicating.

I also like that, despite 7 people (including an infant) being shot there earlier today, he opens up with "Happy Mardi Gras!!"

Also: he says he doubts the federal government can really get this recovery done, since "look how they handled Katrina." You know, back when the Congress was ruled by the Democrats. And Obama was in the White House - I mean, lounging around on vacation. Hmm.

Another favorite is his suggestion that instead of spending money monitoring volcano eruptions, we should instead monitor spending. Cause if there's one thing the governor of Louisiana should know, it's that the monitoring of potential natural disasters is a complete waste of time. Hmm.

Mostly, he sounds like a goofy, rubbery funny guy who, to be honest, you just wanna squeeze-hug and make him say words over and over.

Obama's Speech, II

You women should DEFINITELY not watch Obama's speech on tv - once he locks you in he'll pull out that huge afro-dick and wave it around until you go crazy and try to kill as many babies in your stomach as possible. Real Housewives is on tonight, I urge you to change channels and watch it. For remember: while energetic and spell-binding preaching under the tent is fun and sweaty, the American Negro does not speak of substance. Oh god, I can hear him talking, he's like that snake in The Jungle Book...I wish I had a uterus of my own to scrape...(lids, closing, floating to communism in own mind...)

Nope! It's in the Other Hand!

One fascinating thing to me, other than how it's apparently scientifically impossible for women to have their money already out of their purses and ready to be handed over as they're boarding a bus, is that the costs of the Iraq & Afghanistan Wars were not factored into either the Defense Budget or the deficit during the Bush administration. Unbelievable. "Okay Pentagon, you get $481B...not including money for actual wars we're fighting, of course." If I meet with a professional paramour, I do not pay her $100 for her flower and then another $100 for merely existing.

A la HERE:

What a difference with today’s wars. Five years into the Iraq conflict and seven years into Afghanistan, the administration and Congress have buried all of the explicit funding—totaling more than the spending on either the Korea or Vietnam wars when adjusted for inflation—in emergency supplementals. What changed? Aside from internal fiscal discipline, the single biggest procedural shift came in 2002, when the Congress let lapse a law that had required budget cuts to “offset” emergency expenditures.

Who benefited? The Pentagon, the political party that ran Washington in the early 2000s, and their friends.

This year the Department of Defense once again failed to include the cost of war in its record-breaking $515 billion defense budget for fiscal year 2009. Instead, it included a placeholder for yet another $70 billion emergency war supplemental—which, conveniently for the administration, does not get counted in deficit projections.

Thankfully, Obama is looking to have actual accounting during his administration and not an endless run of magic tricks and "looky, a shiny quarter!!!"-type distractions. To be honest, as I look back I'm mildly surprised Bush didn't simply offer to just buy everybody in the country a pony. Who can be bothered to look into things like budgets and deficits when you're making new ribbons to put in Miss Elijah D. Pony's beautiful, silky hair? Certainly not me.

Obama Speech

I don't know how Obama's speech will be tonite, but I'm pretty sure I'd better wait til it's over and read it instead of watch it, as he's liable to put some of his silky-smooth voodoo shit on me, lulling me in with words that sound awesome, but mean absolutely nothing. He'll prolly hypnotize me if I catch his eye onscreen, and I'll wake up with some chick's severed head in my hand and a gun pointed at the liquor store clerk, a shiver running down me as I realize we're even closer to the final nationalization of our beloved country, complete with Nazism replacing country western radio. And that makes me sad :(

So if anybody wants to call me at 9pm, I'll be available. With the tv off and eyes firmly closed!

Gordon

...on Little Gordon:

When I saw the videos of Felix impersonating me I thought it was hilarious. I was with my son Jack, who is eight, and my wife Tana. I said, ‘Look, come and see Daddy when he was little.’ We all sat there laughing our heads off. Felix had me down to a T. I thought we just have to get this kid on Hell’s Kitchen. He’s a star.”

Can't wait!! :)

Joe the Book Signer

I have a lot of friends in the DC area, so I thought I'd remind them that Joe the Plumber is having a few book signings there this week! Hoooooooray!! Unfortunately it looks like he's not coming to NYC anytime soon :( and that makes me sad. Maybe one of my DC friends can pass along my question to him?

"Hi Joe, it's an honor to meet you. Let me ask you something: I made $4,300 last year. Now, if I make $950,000 this year, and use that money to buy a unicorn that eats butterscotch gumdrops and shits dreams, and create a business with that unicorn wherein I'm clearing, say, $3 million in the first month, and then I get drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in the first round, tell me - are my taxes gonna go up? What about if I join the Rolling Stones? Thank you, looking forward to the book."

Thanks to any of my DC homies for passing along to Joe!

OH MY GOD!!! NOT HER HAMPER??!?!?!?!!!

I see my girl Audrina from The Hills was robbed last night :( That makes me sad.

"Too Much PlayStation May Cause Painful Lumps"

Yes. They're called "people who sit around playing PlayStation all day."

XMASTIME on video games HERE.

More Fucking Douchebags

Another person I like is the guy or girl who while in front of me at the Metrocard machine uses a credit card to buy her metrocard, and takes about 10 minutes in doing so by I guess knocking out some online banking and re-mortgaging her fucking house. All, of course, right next to the Metrocard machine THAT IS THERE SPECIFICALLY FOR CREDIT CARD PURCHASES ONLY!!!!! Meanwhile I'm standing there with my $2 for a single-ride, listening to train after train below me go by.

Of course the ante was upped this morning, when under the exact scenario I've painted above, some dipshit woman was "delightfully!!!" letting her fucking 3 or 4 year old kid do the shit - punching the screen, inserting credit card, punching numbers. None of which he could actually do, but she was having a great time trying to get him to do it as I used the time to translate War & Peace into Esperanto as well as slowly peel off an entire layer of my own skin and try to hang myself with it. Fucking christ.

Fast Food Douchebags

For years my "Fast Food Douchebag" award was given to the jackoffs who insisted on mopping under my table for 15 minutes as I was sitting there. "Scuse me." "Scuse me." "Scuse me." Coupla years ago there was some joint I'd hit 2-3 times a week, and the place was always EMPTY; yet every fucking time some dude would pick my table to scrub under while I'm fucking sitting there. I'm like dude, I know you're doing your job, but there are about 1000 other square feet you can work on til I'm fucking gone in 10 minutes!!! Drives me insane.

Then I was gonna give the award to the fucking grey panthers who, even tho every fucking seat in the place is taken and there are people with food looking to sit down and eat, sit at a table for 18 hours sipping on a thimbleful of fucking coffee. But they only had the award for a short time, as I've quickly decided to give it to the fucking douchebag hipster guy who, having finished his bird-sized meal and with every fucking seat taken, decides to sit there for another 11 hours and text every single person in the world.

Congratulations, Texting Hipster You are now the OFFICIAL FAST FOOD DOUCHEBAG!!!!

YES!!!!!!!

Little Gordon will be appearing with Big Gordon!!!!!

'HELL'S Kitchen" contestants terrorized by Gordon Ramsay are in for more profanity-laced humiliation - from his miniature alter ego. Nine-year-old Felix Light, who spoofs Ramsay (profanity and all) as "Little Gordon" for a British Web site, will appear on an episode of Fox's "Hell's Kitchen" and on Ramsay's UK series, "The F Word."

Fucking awesome.

Clips of his HERE.

Lenders & Borrowers (and I Hope Rick Santelli Gets a Case of the Ick)

Matt Yglesias echoes HERE what I wrote yesterday HERE; ie the bailout isn't necessarily just for "losers", "gamblers" and "cheaters" as much as for people that generally believed that the experts knew what they were doing at the time they were lending money.

There really is plenty of blame to go around here. But I just don’t see how more than a tiny fraction of it could possible adhere to our electrician or teacher or secretary who’s decided, basically, that the financial services professionals and government regulators know what they’re doing. Now could she have known better? Sure. She could have been reading Dean Baker and Paul Krugman and others. The idea that this lending was all being undertaken on a false premise that a nationwide housing bust was impossible wasn’t a highly guarded secret. I was, for example, familiar with the chart above and with the analysis suggesting that a bust was, in fact, likely. And I believed that analysis. But at the same time, I write about U.S. public policy debates for a living. If there’s a dissident line of thinking that, despite its general unpopularity, is popular among left-of-center economists—well, that’s the kind of thing I know a lot about. But our nurse? Why would she know?

And while I used the woman who had her hands and legs removed for an example, he uses iPhones:

And I just don’t think it’s the responsibility of individuals to know that all the experts, and all the conventional wisdom, are secretly wrong. All kinds of people have been buying iPhones because everyone says they’re great. And if this November, the iPhones all suddenly explode injuring tons of people, I think there’ll be a lot of blame to go around. But really just about none of that blame will land on iPhone owners—it would land on Apple and AT&T and regulators and gadget reviewers and everyone else. If not, if the people who run the country and its media don’t actually expect their pronouncements to be taken seriously, then really they ought to all quit and make way for people who take their responsibilities seriously.

So maybe instead of parroting jagoffs like Rick Santelli with whatever the a propos "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps like I did!!" mantra people wanna use to make themselves feel like cowboys on the wild frontier who are so brilliantly self-sufficient, someone can maybe look at the symptoms of what happened and see if all the "bad behavior" wasn't just on the borrower's end of things.

Maven

Here's an email I never pictured I'd one day show my high school football coach. Hmm.

Brangelinaston

At some point, aren't we just gonna hafta say "fuck it" and have a national election on Jennifer vs. Angelina? If it works to choose the leader of our country, it could work here, right? Winner gets Brad and a lifetime of not being hassled by the papparazzi; loser blows her brains out on The View. In the words of Gerald Ford, I believe it's time for our nation to begin to heal.

Slice

MORE Stuff that Makes Sense!!!!

I see some people are being offered prayers instead of actual money during this crisis. To be honest I can't believe they never thought of this before; as the party of Jesus, why haven't they been doing this the whole time? "I'm cutting your job, but praying for you! Hooraaaaaaaayy!!" I think it's a great idea. I mean, who the fuck is more powerful and helpful than God?

CORRECT ANSWER: NO one, dickhead!!!!

Let's both go to the store - me with $2, and you with a pocketful of prayers, and see who comes out with a loaf of bread. Who would win??? I have no idea; I'm absolutely shitting myself wondering!

Mars Blackmon Jr?

At least 6 times this morning during and after class at the Y, The Short Bus & I Had this conversation:

"Hey Rats!"
"Yeah."
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats, we...going home?"
"Yeah, we're going home."

10 second pause.

"Hey Rats!"
"Yeah."
"Rats."
"Yeah"
"Rats."
"Yeah"

(repeat repeat repeat)

End of an Era

Last year I mentioned my new predeliction for ladies in animal prints HERE. Then I saw THIS PICTURE. Fuckin hell. I'm not even sure I'm going to be able to EAT dead animals again, much less be turned on by them. Yikes.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

Are there NO jobs we aren't sending over to India??? Wtf?

Build a Big Bear

For his second birthday, I got Big Bear a gift certificate to Build-a-Bear. Saturday being 3 weeks from his THIRD birthday, I figured it was time to go and, you know, let him finally get his present. So me, Mamalizza and Cherry Bomb headed with him into the big city to get his new best friend - after a quick stop for ice cream, some of which almost made it into his mouth (the hair term "frosted hi-lites" now makes sense to me), we found ourselves at Build-a-Bear. On a Saturday. Seeing the crowd I immediately wanted to run out into the street to kiss a moving bus, but luckily I knew he'd want a dinosaur stuffed animal, and the dinosaurs were all downstairs, which was virtually empty.

For those unfamiliar, the process is you pick out what animal you want (bear, dog, whatever), which is as yet unstuffed. Then you pick out whatever clothes/accoutrements you want your new buddy to have, and then you have it "come to life!" ie stuffed with stuffing. Now, this place has EVERYTHING POSSIBLE you can think of for you animal - shirts, pants, suits, every sports team jersey home and away, whatever. Astronaut, cop etc. Mamalizza and I were on top of Big Bear, excitedly trying to shove things on him for his new T-Rex - "Fireman?!?!? ooooh, look, Yankees uni! Rock star/guitar leather jacket!!" But he'd have none of it - about 9 seconds in he had already picked out a shirt (a natty, short-sleeve knit polo) and a pair of sensible, multi-seasonal canvas sneakers. We kept after him to "jazz things up" but he had what he wanted; I almost teared up when finally he looked at me and says quietly, as if with hurt feelings, "he already HAS a shirt." So that was that, and we went upstairs to "give birth!"

Here we are - Big Bear is stepping on the pedal to stuff his T-Rex, while apparently I am desperately trying to get his attention that I am having a heart attack.


T-Rex now stuffed, Big Bear is now "giving him a bath," while I apparently have stuck my finger into a light socket.


Here we are at the computer, entering info for the birth certificate. Big Bear is the one on the left.


Here's me & Big Bear leaving, with his new best buddy safe & snug in his new "condo." I know what you're thinking - "Condo? Grrreeeeeeeaaaat, one MORE motherfucker to bail out!!!"


On the way to T-Rex' new home!!!! And before you even ask, YES I did, and NO theirs don't go sideways.


HERE HE IS!!! With a nice, cotton underpant thrown in for modesty. Big Bear wants his name to be "Dartucheetoo." I'm gonna try to persuade him to go with "Samuel."


Whoops, forgot the best part - as if he wasn't enuff of a nerd, our new guy is a bird watcher!!!! :)


Xmastime, Big Bear and Samuel - look out NYC ladies!!!!!

Banks and the Fucking Idiots

To continue what I was saying the other day HERE, I have also found plenty of people referring to the people being bailed out now as "fucking idiots." As in they should've known they couldn't afford the loans the banks were giving them, they didn't do their due diligence, etc etc. Which is true of course; and the mass of Americans I would think ARE "fucking idiots" when it comes to things like banking. And at the end of the day everything I say doesn't matter much, cause personal responsibility is personal responsibility, and that's that. But there is something to walking in and believing what the bank tells you - after all, aren't they supposed to be the experts in financial lending, not you? Isn't that why you're there in the first place? I have no idea what the hell Kam Sing is saying or how much anything actually is when I'm silently forking over money to them, yet I'm supposed to know enough to take banking officers to task? Really?

For instance, remember this woman? Went to the hospital, was sent home with "kidney stones," next thing you know she's back in the hospital having her hands and legs sawed off. Everyone I know that knows this story shakes their haead "poor, poor woman." Not one person I know has shaken his/her head in disgust and said "what a fucking idiot!" for believing the original diagnosis and leaving the hospital in the first place.

White House Sports

It just occurred to me that with 6 NCAA titles between them, Bobby Knight and Coach K have never won one with a Democrat in the White House.

Also, the last time the Yankees won a World Series with a Republican in the White House? 1960. Ain't that something.

Lemonade?

This passage is a little odd to me. As in yeah, I'd like my kid to be thrifty, and not reckless with his money; but I don't want him to hafta go through a Great Depression to learn it. I also wouldn't want my daughter to get AIDS to learn she shouldn't be a slut. So the whole idea seems a reach to me.

Ugh.

So miserable/hungover today I think I forgot to eat. Fucking hell.

A-Rod, IV

My favorite part of our collective "all he has to do is apologize and we'll move on" crap we always say in these situations is that it's a complete lie. As in we've spent the past 4 days analyzing every word A-Rod said, his body language, and we're trying to read his mind. "I believe this, I don't believe that," blah blah blah. He's getting bashed 10x worse on his press conference than on actually using steroids. No matter what it's never enough, and everybody's an expert on the human psyche all of a sudden - maybe MLB can have Bush come and look A-Rod in his eyes to see his soul?

BUT.

Derek Jeter needs to shut up. All week he's been whining re: steroids being a distraction, and that it shines a bad light on the hundreds of players who didn't do 'roids. Which is funny, cause I would think that if there's one person who might've been listened had he stood up and said something to, you know, MLB and the Union, it would be Jeter. But I got a feeling I know EXACTLY what he said all these years: nada, zilch, zippo. So quit whining to the press about it now (and get your ass in center field!!!!)

The GOP Needs to Hire Me!!!!

If the Republicans are gonna join hands as a party and oppose a bill from Obama, they might wanna choose one that is not actually popular - poll after poll has shown that the percentage of the public against the bill is approximately the same as those who want George Bush on the dollar bill. Pretty much everyone else is willing to give the stimulus a chance. They may not understand it, they may be worried about it, but they're willing to try it. And yes, I know the response will be "Republicans vote by principle, not polls!", but that's complete bullshit cause if Bush had done this bill they would've passed it as quickly as they did the Wall Street bailout (if that's even scientifically possible.) This is just another example of "how tone-deaf can these people be?"

BUT.

Seriously - if they ARE gonna attack Obama and the bill, they really hafta come up with something better than the "he didn't try bi-partisanship!! He would not compromise!!" stuff they can't go 5 minutes without whining about. First of all, the definition of "compromise" is not "give me exactly what I want." Second of all, attempts at bi-partisanship can be easily proven - every time Obama pisses it's logged; it would probably take about 7 seconds for him to be able to produce documentation detailing the meetings he's had over the past few weeks with Republican leaders (side note - also a stupid argument on your end if it turns out that YOUR GUY met with Democratic leaders exactly 2 TIMES IN EIGHT YEARS.)

My point is, at least try to fool us, or confuse us with something that can't be proven in a single Excel spreadsheet. There probably are ACTUAL REASONS you could've opposed the thing, but hammering away ad nauseum re: your "disappointment" in Obama not reaching across the aisle is complete nonsense. If I offer you my peanut butter sandwich you can say you don't like peanut butter, but you can't say I didn't offer you a sandwich.

CORRECTION

CORRECTION: the other day I spelled "frienimies" wrong. I usually don't edit, but I feel like that particular misspelling could've completely ruined the whole riff. So...here's how it SHOULD read!!!


If the old adage is true that I should keep my friends close and my enemies closer, then tell me something: where do I keep my frienimies? Hmm. Interesting.

iPhone

I think iPhones should have a thing where if somebody sends an email to somebody who DOESN'T have an iPhone, the iPhone detects this and changes the line "Sent from my iPhone" to "wow, aren't YOU poor!!!!!"

;)

this post dedicated to Mamalizza

sent by my iFingers.

Saint Kurt

Today is Kurt Cobain's birthday. Which I could give two shits about, other than being disappointed my "Like Kurt Cobain: a no-brainer" line has not caught on in popular lexicon as a saying. And that makes me sad :(

And Now, a Word from My BFF

Over at his SOAPBOX, Charlie Daniels has....career advice!!!!


1) Always be on time.
2) Stay as long as it takes to get a project done.
3) Get along with everybody.
4) Put yourself into your work and be as productive as possible, no matter how humble your job may be, do it better and more of it than anybody else.
5) Attitude is everything.

Of course, as a rich, successful musician Mr. Daniels doesn't need to be on time, can stay or leave however long he likes, doesn't need to get along with anybody else, hasn't written a song anybody knows or cares about in 35 years, and doesn't need to have a particularly good attitude to get what he wants. But hey, still - THANK YOU CHARLIE DANIELS!!!

Today's Hero

My favorite gay guy in the world just skipped through the office, gleefully telling anyone who would listen that a gay bar just opened across the street from his house, and he's cut down the trees in his front yard. Sigh.

A Modest Proposal

I'm a fan of shit like this in a trivial, "if we stacked all the money together it would reach the moon!" goofy kinda way. And obviously anything about billions of Bic Macs will get my attention.

So I was kinda flipping through the list, when I saw THIS ONE.

More than 45 million Pontiac G5 cars.

Really? If the government can use this money to buy 45 million cars, I say why don't they? Buy the cars, and then give them to citizens for free. It obviously gives the auto industry the shocking boost it needs, and all of a sudden 45 million people will have a valuable asset which they can 1) use, 2) be relieved of the financial burden of car payments. or 3) sell to somebody who didn't get one. In the meantime since 45 million cars will have been sold tout suite, the car industry will have plenty of extra time to work on alternative fuels etc to get itself to the level it needs to be at to not only continue, but flourish again. A win-win-win!!!

XMASTIME FOR PRESIDENT!

Me & Sully Crossing Streams

Does torture become something less awful when we do it? Is it a function of "paranoia" to worry about it when it's done by Americans or Brits? When a "good man" like George W. Bush does it? When a personally humane person like Donald Rumsfeld does it? When we know our motives are good ones? Orwell's answer is categorical. That's why he set Nineteen-Eighty-Four in his native England:

The scene of the book is laid in Britain in order to emphasize that the English-speaking races are not innately better than anyone else.

Do you believe that or not? Churchill didn't, which is why, despite a 9/11 every week in London during the Blitz, he never capitulated to the evil he was fighting against. Bush and Cheney, in contrast, made it standard operating procedure after one attack by people armed with nothing but box-cutters and our fear. History, as John Ashcroft once said, will not be kind.

With the above passage from here, Sully rather neatly sums up some things I've hammered away at for awhile, including

Our sense that "we're the good guys!" and they are automatically "the bad guys" is foolish, which leads to our

Over-reacting, which may give an "opponent" exactly what they want, as we have since 9-11, for instance, which

sucked but it wasn't the worst thing ever, and we foolishly let ourselves be played by thinking it was.

Misappropriated Anger, Peut-Etre

While it may be valid to be pissed off to have to bail out people for being dumb, I think portraying these people as "gamblers," as if they're cons who cooked up some scheme to fool the banks into giving them a house, is a bit off base. For one thing, I would think that the very people that are being bailed out were generally people that worked all week, scrambled somewhat to pay their bills and generally had their heads down, trying to grind through their week. I doubt these people had a lot of hours to sit around "scheming" on how to beat the bank. You know who does? Rich people. Just like it always seems like it's the best ballplayers who are juicing, it always seems to be people that are already loaded that try the rip-off schemes, doesn't it?

If I walked into a bank and they asked how much money I had, and if I said $100 and they said heeeeeeey, you can buy Buckingham Palace! What do you think I'd say? "Oh!!...great! I'll take it!!" Not that everyone isn't responsible in this whole thing, but there's a difference between being ignorant and able to be misled, and being someone who gleefully tried to take money out of your precious wallet. And if you’re outraged at what this stupidity and lack of actual intelligence is costing you, you also have to be pissed that the Iraq War actually exists.

Let's Move On This!

Somebody still needs to tell me why WEIGHTFUCKERS isn't the greatest idea since sliced bread. Well, or paying for sex.

REally? Doubt It.

I think what’s lost in the furor over the NY Post monkey cartoon is that apparently the cops only shot twice. Those aren’t MY NYC cops!

Hey, We All Make Mistakes

Last year, after spending almost $16M and 8 months crusading against a bill being pushed by Congress to allow retired squirrels to do people's taxes, I was quite embarrassed to find out that there was no such bill being bandied about after all. So if the Catholic Church needs some empathy after being told that the FOCA bill does not actually exist, they know who to call. Me, Mr. Red-in-the-Face.

Strip Clubs

One thing I don't understand about strip clubs is that they all seem to have buffets in them. Who is this for? Seriously, every ad I see for a strip club there's some hot piece of ass stripped down to nothing, licking her lips in my direction like she just can't WAIT to throw her titties in my face and then the ad feels the need to remind me "oh, and while you're here you can load up on baked ziti and mashed potatoes!!" I know it's "been a while," but I distinctly remember that at no point in the last moments before beginning tenderness with a lady friend did I ever think "You know, this would be a whole lot better if I was covered in grease and completely bloated." I'd love to get the stats on how many kids are born 9 months after Thanksgiving Day, for instance. Hey strip clubs - instead of spending your money on worthless piles of food, how bout using that money to get some girls that ALREADY have their titty implants, not just "working towards them"? Grrrr.

Bright Lights, Big Ass

Sistatime!! last night mentioned her gym in Richmond, which has a movie theatre room, complete with big screen and lights out as you bicycle/step/whatevs. Which sounds perfect, as since I've joined the gym one of the things I haven't been able to figure out is why are all girls fatasses?

Hiyoooooo!!!! I'm kidding!! I'm a kidder!!!! I mean, of course, why is the gym the most brightly-lit place in the universe? I mean, the whole reason I'm AT the gym in the first place is I don't like what I see, nor does anybody else; and yet I walk into the gym and it's like I'm on a movie set THAT IS COMPLETEY SURROUNDED BY MIRRORS!!!!! Grrr. It's a miracle I don't just scammper outta there. I guess now we have to add "brave" to my already embarrasingly long "What ELSE Fucking Rocks about Xmastime?" list. Awesome!

Corporate Bathroom

Everybody here knows how much a fan I am of the corporate bathroom I get to enjoy a few times a week (samples HERE.) But the other day I noticed something curious - the bathroom on the 2nd floor has 2 normal-height urinals. But the bathroom on my floor has one normal urinal, and one kiddie-sized urinal. What's this? When they were building this bathroom, in a major office building, who decided "you know, you never know if they'll start hiring children here...better make this one a kiddie urinal." Am I working in a bus terminal, or Neverland Ranch? WTF?

Caveat: the other day I was walking in right behind some other dude, both heading for the urinals. At the last second he looked over at me. And you can be for damn sure who had to use the kiddie urinal.

My Alpha Dawg Moment! AAAAAAAWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!

Happy Anniversary

My parents were married 43 years ago today, and every time I wonder who was the wizard behind choosing February as the month to have a wedding in Massachusetts, I'm reminded that these two people would eventually have a son who went to a college that actually offered a Remedial Math course. Sigh.

Just Wondrin

I'm starting to think that the reason Red States refuse to accept global warming as fact is that it would mean we'd hafta get rid of NASCAR.

Week One

I was a little bummed this morning at the gym to find out I've only lost 8 lbs. I don't know what I was expecting - maybe for the scale to go off casino style, followed by a call from the President? "Wow!! You've broken the record for most weight loss ever in one week!!! Would you like to come live at the White House??!?!!!!"

But the again, tho I went to the gym four times in that stretch, I did eat my face off; including Sat/Sun/Mon when I didn't do anything BUT eat my face off and get shizzled on Budweiser. So once I tighten up the screws a little re: eating, and don't go three days in a row without hitting the gym I'll be fine. And hell, 8lbs in one week means that by GrizzaDay I'll have lost 180lbs!! Which would put me back at my 1st grade weight, which would be awesome. Then I could finally follow through on this promise:

Heavy.

If the old adage is true that I should keep my friends close and my enemies closer, then tell me something: where do I keep my frenemies?

Losing Weight

I don't think I know anybody anymore who isn't at least a little obsessed with losing weight. The gym, a diet, or both. Is this part of getting older? Is the next step reading obituaries - is it safe to assume Op and I meeting up at the drugstore soda fountain 40 years from now having this conversation every week:

Op: ________ died.
Xmas: oh, man. That's too bad.
Op: Went in his sleep.
Xmas: lucky bastard.

Pets & Jobs

First a woman's pet chimp ("Travis"!) attacks somebody, and then Tracy Morgan's shark tank starts a fire. Wtf - can we not have normal pets anymore? Did we fucking outsource all our dogs and cats to India too?

Cap Doffed, Mr. Cantor

In his desperate bid to be the guy that drives the GOP party bus completely off a cliff, Eric Cantor has finally done something both impressive and previously unimaginable: embarrassed Aerosmith.

Wow. Would love to be in the meeting with these two jagoffs, right?

Joe Perry: Steve, it looks like this guy is using one of our songs.
Steven Tyler: zippity-bop-ba-doawawaawa-bizzop!!! Yoooooow!
Joe Perry: Should we let him?
Steven Perry: zeeeeeowwwawawow! You know, I'm really a drummer! Pah-POW!!!
Joe Perry: Are we getting paid for this?
Steven Perry: Yowza-yowza-zappo, Ja-ja-ja-ja-jaded!!!
Joe Perry: (mumbles)
Steven Perry: Zappity-zap-zap! You know, I'm really a drummer!!!!!
Joe Perry: do you think I look like Meadow's fiance on The Sopranos?
Steven Perry: wowza-poppin, slappity-doo!!!! Don't wanna close my eyes, cause I'd miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thingPA-DITTY-ZZZZIT, I'm really a drummer!!!

Also: I just realized that the music for this other right-wing radio guy is The Replacements' classic Alex Chilton. I don't wanna be jerk, but that seems weird.

YES, I Know He Should Never Have Done Anything Wrong in the First Place. Relax.

People that don't know or care about baseball probably don't understand the absurdity of A-Rod's name being leaked to the press in the latest 'roids fiasco. Shit's leaked illegally, A-Rod's left out there twisting in the wind while nobody else is gonna get in an ounce of trouble for leaking the shit. Based on the timeline and events of 2003, I'd say a good analogy is someone entering into the witness protection program, then an FBI agent letting it slip where that person is, and as the people he testified against deploy to go get him and kill him, the FBI just shrugs "ah well, whaddya gonna do?"

Just Me, or Does "Bobby Jindal" Sound Like It Shoulda Been the Name of a Hit Song from 1959?

I see Bobby Jindal might turn down the money from the stimulus package. Which is fine by me; if there's one state that is used to not getting federal help it's Louisiana, right?

Right Wing Radio

I love how Mark Levin, whom I've never seen a picture but whose voice makes me picture him as a chershire cat in a tattersall vest slipping a Girl Scout a roofie, has a tag going in and out of commercials announcing "Mark Levin: America's Paul Revere!"

Which is funny to me. Cause I'm pretty sure America already has a Paul Revere. Hmm.

Right Wing Radio, January 20

Since I moved rooms almost two weeks ago I haven't bothered to hook my cable back up, which means I've been able to re-launch my love affair with right-wing radio. The unintentional comedy is just as good as I remember it, tho somebody has to explain to me how it can be that a government that should not be trusted to deliver the mail and is too incompetent to do anything but fuck things up even more can somehow be brilliant and efficient enough to completely switch us over to a Socialist state in only 28 days. Amazing, no?

And yes, this also means I missed last night's season premiere of Real Housewives of NYC.

WTF?

Tracy Morgan's shark tank set off a fire in his apartment. I don't know what's more incredible - the fact that apparently you're allowed to have sharks in NYC, or that "it took 80 firefighters nearly 30 minutes to fully extinguish the remainder of the stubborn flames."

80 firefighters? Was this Tracy Morgan's house, or 9/11? I guess I'm lucky my cat, Miss Precious Muffins Dykstra, didn't get stuck in a tree, as there woulda been no firemen available to help her. 80 firemen, 30 minutes to extinguish a small fire that had already been mostly put out by the sprinklers? Was this at Tracy Morgan's, or the Playboy Mansion? Who the fuck's in charge of the FDNY now?

I'd Hit That

Which makes it all the more unfortunate that her husband chopped her head off. That makes me sad :(