Which of THESE did I actually do?
I'd say:
1) HELL yes!
2) No. In my defense, I think I did masturbate while watching Erin Brockovich. Although to be honest I think I'm probably lying, trying to impress you with my bullshit.
3) No.
4) No.
5) Who am I to say? Probably not. I'm not that nice, to be honest.
6) I'm sure, despite my not remotely being in their universe, someone made such a steaming pile as I describe. Or a few.
7) Nope. Fuck you, aging!
8) No. Have softened my stance on what "kissing" is anyways, would prolly just go easy on Grandma now anyways.
9) Regretfully, no. But I'm sexy, not dead. There's still time.
10) No. But they are.
11) Even I have no idea what the fuck I was talking about here. How deep in the heady buzz of sweet, sweet stank WAS I back in those days?
12) Obviously not. Not even close. So.
13) No.
14) No.
15) Oddly enough, yes. Hard to explain.
16) No. I'd be rich by now, and would I really be sitting around talking to you losers?
17) No. I'd be sexually sated by now, and would I really be sitting around jerking off to you losers?
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